I haven't posted in so many weeks now. I have read a few times, but just haven't had time or energy to post. I think the last post was about the child being born & H being there at the hospital while I was out of town with his parents. <P>Well, DNA tests are back & the OC is his. The OW is still out on leave, but will soon return to work where she will report to him & they will see each other every day. He claims he hasn't been seeing child, but they do talk "about her returning to work". As I type this my stomach has started to hurt. I have sort of not thought too much about it, but I feel the reality of it all at this moment. Last night we were talking and he stated that he just wasn't sure how he would feel once she was back at work.<P>I am at the point where I just do not see him putting any effort into making our relationship better. He still is less than truthful about things (calls from her, etc.). One day I found photos of her & baby at the hospital. Tore those up. He had also saved voice messages from her on his cell phone. I asked him what all this was about & he had no decent explanation. I think I am just beating a dead horse in trying to keep this relationship going. God knows I have tried and even he says I am a different person, but I don't think it matters.<P>I don't really think he loves her. He just loves the attention & he has a BIG issue with ego. I have explained over and over that for us to survive as a family, I have to be able to feel that he is trustworthy and trying to protect my feelings. Those two things are just not happening. He just sees no problems with talking to her & working with her. <P>If I allow him to stay here he benefits from having all his friends & family think everything is ok. He still goes to golf club & has a group of business friends who respect him. If I kick him out & all this mess with OW comes to light she and he both lose, and lose a lot. I am starting to just wish all that would happen.<P>The OW has started asking about CS. My H has told her we will see a lawyer & get this settled. But that hasn't happened quick enough for her & she wants to know when he will start paying. I have a feeling that if he and I stay together this is just the begining of a LONG life of demands & blackmail. When I ask him about what she thinks about visitation with the OC he just puts me off. I am sure that OW will be insisting he visit and that those visits be on her terms and at her house. I am also sure he will cave in (since his job is at stake). I think most of that is BS. If he was trying to protect me & our two boys he would have found another job 6 months ago.<P>On top of all this I have a brother who is now diagnosed as bi-polar & cannot take care of his daughter (his wife died last year & he is raising her alone). I now have his 10 yr old D with me. I have no idea how long that will be, but most likely until end of school year. My H has been better than I expected about her being here, but he also acts like since I have introduced this situation to our lives that I should just bite my tongue and live with whatever he decides about the OC and OW.<P>I hope that some of you ca recall my posts of a few months ago and remember that I haven't had this depressed attitude. I have tried very hard to make this work. But am I just getting run over? I have asked him to leave on three occasions (in an attempt to Plan B). But he won't go. I think a separation might be the only thing left to shock him into making a full effort at this relationship. But I just can't seem to get him to leave. What should I try next?<P>Still Taking Care... Carolyn

WOW, I am so sorry you are in this predicament. My heart literally was aching as I read your post. I am not sure why but your post hit me reallty hard. Where does your H work? Why is he still there?<P>How about you...are you financially stable? On your own, I mean.<P>My heart is with you Carolyn...you are not alone

My H is an executive with a company & I guess the OW thought she had found a man of money. Although a lot of who he is & what we have was provided by me. When we met 12 years ago he had just started with his company. I took on job of raising his 10 yr old daughter (who he had sole custody of). I allowed him to devoted himself to his job and become who he is, while at the same time bringing in a good income. OW has worked for him for a little over a year. The EA and PA started soon after she moved to his department. She knew he was married & had two young sons. She even met him at library one day when he took my boys there. The youngest (6 yrs) told me about that when I took him back to the same library months later. Told me about his Daddy's "girlfriend" that he worked with. Said "I bet they kiss every morning". She has tried to inflict harm on me & my children (in my opinion). She wants my life. <P>I am not sure why he is still at the job, other than he must honestly believe that he can handle this & make it all work out. There is no guarantee he would find another job as nice as this one, but I wish he would try. I would rather have him working at K-Mart than going through this. Money is not worth it.<P>The crazy part is that I make very good money and work for a very good company. I could walk away, let him have her & just draw my child support (which would be very substantial). But I honestly believe that my sons would suffer from being raised by one parent and all the cr*p that goes with joint custody. I would give my life for them, so I feel the least I can do is try to repair this marriage. I don't want step parents & shared custody. They deserve better. It is my role as an adult to give them more than that. <P>I have honestly tried to work this out. And I could even accept this child. But it is all just very difficult when my H just really doesn't seem to want to try. It is good enough for him to just live here, have access to boys, see OW each day at work and go on with his life. He just doesn't seem to care that I need a husband. I am so tired of being a "single, married parent". <P>Thanks for the reply. On occasion I just wonder if I should quit Plan A and move on to Plan B. How do you do that when they refuse to leave the house? I think if he ever felt a little discomfort it might rattle him into trying to make life a safe haven for boys and I. Thanks again for the opportunity to let this out.<P>Take care with every action & every deed. <P>Carolyn

I never went with plan B...to be totally honest I could not support myself and was scared to death.<P>We are a young couple, been married 4 years (miraculously) and we are only 24.<P>I was in college when we got together and quit that for us. He is in the military and we moved accordingly, etc.<P>I would assume though that if you wanted to go with plan B that you would move out if he would not, but I guess that would mean your kids would go too. Hard choice.<P>I stuck with it and our marriage is wonderful now. My H also worked with OW and I do not see how we would have made it if that would have continued. He got relocated to the other side of the country. As a matter of fact I know we would not have made it. My H used to equate love with things that were done for him and she would have and probably did just about anything for him. She was also in the army and so she had an income, whereas I was left with a brand new baby and was not working. She actually tried to use that against me.<P>Pray about it and if you listed God will tell you what to do. My prayers are with you.<P>God Bless...

Dear TakingCare,<P>My heartfelt feelings for your very difficult predicament. It really is like two swords plunging into the heart with the issue of OW and OC. I had to wait several months before I heaved a sigh of relief that my WS's staff the Chinless Banshee was not pregnant with OC. The plot is similar to yours in that banshee thought that my WS was her meal ticket to life in the rather glamourous lane. Apparently, banshee schemed and had my WS pissed drunk and set herself upon him and when he wanted out after that first night, banshee blackmailed him and the A was sustained for two years until it knived WS in public one day and was incarcerated. <P>My family thought she was pregnant and I had cause to believe, too. Banshee caused the early demise of my father when she screamed at him and cruelly revealed the A to him; he was hospitalised with tight chest pains and died from complications soon after. He was semiconscious but wept for the first time in his adult life when I told him I needed his wisdom at this time. So, there really are some OW who are capable of anything, and I think the OW you are dealing with is a MANIPULATOR, and a confident one at that.<P>WS, in my case, was repentant, and like your H, he refused to leave even as I tried to kick him out of the house. I left a smashing job to take care of my baby so I am now financially dependant on WS. In my case, WS said that he kept rejecting banshee till she couldn't take it anymore. Banshee was a manipulator and she also thought that taking the husband of a fashion model (did covers for mags, and TVCs, etc) who was educated postgrad, was a huge ego booster for her. But when the reality sunk in that WS was still in love with me, she went on a evil rampage and told my WS to meet her at a hotel one last time. I really thank God that there is no OC, but the damage had already been done to our marriage and my WS health, etc., started to deteriorate rapidly.<P>Like you, I feel strongly for my baby and I would take the sadness for the sake of baby. Banshee still tries to contact but WS refused to take her calls and she no longer works for him since she was in jail.<P>Taking care, I really empathise with your situation and if I were in your shoes, I would really sit down and strategise what I want for my life, my children's lives, the future and how I can make that happen. I will write or mindmap these and think through how my H can be attracted back to be the H he is supposed to be. <P>I would commit my H to God and ask God to make him a faithful and examplary father and husband, and pray for hedges of protection around the marriage and family. I hope you can find counsel and support in church. All my family members now know and they really are my lifelines in healing as well as keeping me afloat. My WS also felt the sense of accountability and responsibility although they never threw a single stone at him. My dad's early demise was already a very grave lesson for WS apart from the usual guilt and shame.<P>Full repentance and bearing the fruits of repentance are very important, and I hope your H is working to reach that stage. If not, can someone help him reach the level of being a real and honourable man for his family? My WS was coached by two church pastors to see where his actions had repercussions and who and how many have been affected as a result.<P>Some of the stuff that might help:<BR>1. Objectives - Rebuild Marriage, kids, OW out <BR>2. Strategies <BR>a. work on physical beauty - be your perkiest (it is difficult) but do things to make yourself ALIVE and full of energy, nice clothes, exercising, dancing, good haircut and color, etc.<BR> <BR>b. work on inner beauty - pray and seek peace, joy and fruits of the spirit. <P>c. take up a new hobby or interest - something that you have always wanted to do <P>d. involve your whole family in a new physical and fun interest on weekends, lots of laughter and family time to lift the fog off H's head<P>e. get your children to pray for a happy, joyful family with Daddy, Mummy and them always happy like those weekend outings (I have heard that Jesus listens to the prayers of the little ones)<P>f. prayer and fasting to hear God's voice<P>3. After a couple of weeks, write an honest letter to H that appeal to his live for the children and you and the family unit to make plans to ensure that there will be no more As. Ask him to project into the future and where he sees his children and you and himself. Ask if his A was a mistake and then to treat it as a mistake by paying CS and not having contact with OW. Ask him how he would feel if, for eg, you are the one with the A and OM still reports to you at work everyday and wants to see the OC often.<P>4. Ask H to write you a letter stating what is really his plans and how he thinks you both can make the plans happen realistically.<P>5. Have support from some family members to sit and discuss with your H how to make your marriage intact from the double blow - an affair and now an OC.<P>Dear TakingCare<BR>I really feel for you. I understand the checkmate position you find yourself in because of the tremendous love you have for your children. They are enough, I believe, to make you want to try to rebuild the marriage. But you also need help from Above to get your WS to see things from God's book, and to recommit wholeheartedly in making the marriage work.<P>God LOves You<BR>weep<BR>

Thanks BW and Wings. Your thoughts and compasion are very much appreciated. <P>Wings, I have read your response a couple of times. Thank you for what is a very thought out response. I have tried so many of your suggestions in the past, but lost a little focus over the past 2-3 months. Monday the OW came back to work after maternity leave. She is already deep into him again. I am just appalled that he doesn't see how much harm it causes to continue to work with her. <P>So I am sitting down, making decisions on what I want and putting that into action. I have asked H to move out for the next month. I have asked this before, but always after some discovery of "stuff". Even he admits that he knows I am at a different level since I am asking this without having a controversy going. I have simply stated that the only way for us to continue is for OW to be totally cut out of his life. Send the check and that is it. Unfortunately he thinks there is little harm in life continueing as is. He isn't seeing her outside work, but I am sure that will soon come. She is asking him to stop by & see baby. I know what that is all about. She would die if he picked up child and brought to our come. <P>Anyway, I have always been the one to preach to folks about staying focused on what was good for them and their children. To make sure that they didn't allow these OW to poision their minds and souls. I always advised to stay focused on positive. Now here I am, thinking too much about her & this child. Thanks for the reminder on how to get back where I need to be. <P>Take care... Carolyn