My w is pregnant w/ OM child and I am looking to talk with someone that either is currently or has gone through this. Help!! Just so things are fair, I have also had my share of affairs. We have been married for 11.5 years and are going to have the baby. We have two kids of our own. I need some perspective!!!<p>[This message has been edited by Sailorman59 (edited October 15, 2000).]

Sailorman,<P>I'm at a conference and have very limited internet access, but I'll be happy to discuss this issue with you in a few days, if you're still around.<BR>

Sailorman, can I go on the idea that with your "name" and locale you're in the Mil?<BR> To get to your situation, of course mine is the reverse, My H had an affair and his lover had his child. When I learned about the child I offered to adopt her into our family and raise her with our children. Sounds noble? It wasn't. I believed then and still do that I can love any child regaredless of her beginnings. However the other side of it was that I wanted to keep the OW out of our lives as much as possible. I did offer to allow it to be an open adoption, where the child would know who her bio mom was, but I would be her "mother". However, the OW refused to give up her child. She felt it was "all she would have to remind her of "[censored]" My H. Over the years she has continued to dream of him and the times they made love, I know this because she wrote him a letter asking him to get intouch with their dau.; to not hold her conception against the child. Then she inclosed another letter in which she told him that after 6 years she still could not find another man like him. My H has never seen his OC, he has no desire to claim her. We pay child support, but he is not involved, in fact he is very bitter about the whole situation. He says if he could go back and undo the actions he took in regard to the affair it would never have happend. Hinsight is wonderful right? <BR> Personally I think if you can keep the OP out of the picture and in your situation raise the child as yours, then your marriage can last if you both put into it and remember that a relationship is created/made by two caring people. It cannot be onesided; it cannot be static. A good marriage is an ongoing work of art. However seeing that you mention your own infidelities, you both must learn what causes you to cheat and stop. The pain inflicted upon the cheated upon spouse is horrible I can tell you, that is if the spouse loves the other. Something else, if you contiue to cheat on each other, then you start to become numb and with that numbness comes the end of the relationship. Good luck, TG

Been there and done that. We'll help any way we can. Although it does take some of us a while to respond. Sorry.<BR>

Dear Sailorman: I would be glad to talk to you. I am in the same situation 2 kids mine and one not (biologically anyways).

Dear Sailorman59,<P>The exact same thing has happened to me..it's very much like being present at the birth of a child--there are simply no words to adequately describe the feeling, but it is something that can be "shared" by others who have experienced the same thing...BTW, how about experiencing the birth of a child, and THEN finding out ten years later it isn't yours? Now, there's a double indescribable whammy!!!!!

To Ronman,<P>I will write to you as well, seeing as how you have experienced the same thing as Sailorman59 and myself. I also am in very desperate need of help. Still working on two months of knowing...

Just wanted to let you know that W had an ultrasound on Monday and 80% sure it's a girl(Abigail Rebekah). This is a great relief to me as I could only think that if she had a boy it would look like om. <BR>I am realizing more every day that I am not the only one in this situation. I appreciate your responses. As most of the situations here mine has its differences, but any help is most definately welcomed.<BR>Thanks to all.<BR>Jeff<BR>

Speaking of more people going through this than we know, I am reminded of a story I heard from a friend just before my H confessed to the affair/OC. This friend said her next door neighbor was raising his wife's child by an affair and that she had the utmost respect for him in this difficult situation. The couple (caucasion) had 2 school-age girls together and this preschool OC, who happened to be fathered by OM of a different race (afro-american). Yet the husband could be seen playing with his youngest daughter often in the yard, and if anything went out of his way to be the best daddy to her that he could (OM was out of picture). Since the girl clearly didn't look like the others, the family got many uncomfortable questions. <P>Just when I think I've got it rough, someone else has it rougher...<P>Best wishes to all,<BR>Jenny

sailor and tigger,<P>congrats on going to the ultrasound. love the name you have picked out by the way. i am back from oahu. it was great to be home. didn't get out much, just hung out around the northshore, which is where i grew up. it was beautiful. rained, but that is expected. i hated to leave but wanted to get home to my hubby too! we are thinking of moving there when i finish school. just for a year or two. he loves it there, and of course i do.<P>well, hope you two are doing good. hang in there. you guys can make it!!<P>aloha,<P>happy_girl