I would like to ask you a legal ? based on duranie's post. My w is pregnant with om baby. Based on what I read in the afore mentioned post it sounds as if, so long as I do not say otherwise I will have paternity of the baby. Is there any legal way om can come back and try to get custody? om does not know she is pregnant and is not likely to find out due to him moving a few thousand miles away. Any help would put my mind at ease.

<BR>SM59,<P>There is an assumed paternity law in your state that says that you are assumed to be the father of any child born in your marriage. Most states allow you to rebut this presumption if you do so early enough. While it varies, the usual cutoff is age 2. Obviously, this does men who learn about the actual father of the child after age 2 absolutely no good whatsoever; for this reason alone the assumed paternity laws need reform. <P>But to your other questions. If you don't proactively do anything, then yes, you will be the father of the child. You should be aware that in staying in the marriage, you are risking child support for the OM's child in the event your marriage later tanks. Promises by your wife that she won't expect you to pay CS should be flatly dismissed; she cannot contractually sign away the child's right to financial support now, and who knows what she might decide to do later.<P>As far as the OM goes...some states have language requiring your wife to inform him about the paternity. Even if your state doesn't have such a law, from a moral standpoint I think she should do so, to be honest. He should have the right to decide what to do. As a practical matter, he would have to pay about 25% of his net pay in child support for the next 20 years, and would rarely see the child because of physical distance. Common sense would suggest that he would back off. In fact, from what I've seen, most OMs make noises about wanting to be part of the child's life until they see the CS bill, and then they quietly slink off into their sewers. One other thing, if your wife tells the OM and he doesn't persue paternity pretty much immediately, his odds of later successfully suing for paternity, say two years down the road (once you're on the CS hook for good) are zero. The courts have seen cases like that and they rightfully regard them as simple interference. <P>Bystander

As you may have guessed, SM59 is my H. I just wanted to give you a little more detail about OM that may change your oppinion on our decision to not tell him about the pregnancy. When everything came out in the open, OM assulted my H and has threatened his life. He continually tried to "break-up" our marriage and talk to me, even after he was told, by me, that I wanted nothing else to do with him. In other words, OM is obsessed and if he knew about the child, it would give him something else to hang on to with further hopes of ruining what we have re-built so far. Both my H and I have many questions and concerns, but have great parental support in our decision to raise this child as ours. I thought that this was a "Marriage Builders" board, which is supposed to support those, even ones with as big of problems as we have, in building better marriages. I would think that you would have a little more positive things to say other than I may "bail" after this child is 2 and have my H end up paying CS for it. I believe his question was regarding the possibility of OM trying to interfere if he ever did find out and what his legal rights would be in a situation like this. Not whether my H would have to pay CS if, after all our work on our marriage, I decide to leave. We have been very open with eachother since everything has happened, including my fears that he won't be able to accept this child, and his answer that he really won't know till the child is actually born. I guess what I am saying is that maybe you should answer the question, and then ask one yourself before you assume that our marriage is doomed already. I think that my H is an amazing man to be able to go through all that I have put him through, and continue to support me with the pregnancy(ie mood swings, no sex etc...). We have found a lot of the information you have provided to others very informative, but sometimes, you need to be sure you are answering what was asked, and not making assumptions. I hope I didn't come across to harsh, but your answer to my H post surprised me as to the assumptions about OM and CS. Please don't take this as if we didn't find your response helpful, just that it was taken a little too far past the question that was asked.

Just my opinion, but I do not think I would tell OM anything. If Sailorman is willing to accept and raise this child on his own I believe it is very commendable. There is no need to involve OM in this. Once again family comes first and this puts the marriage at the top. If OM will interfere more leave him out. Tigger's obligation is to her H not OM.<P>Question though..do you plan on telling your child later in life?<P>God Bless both of you and your child..<BR>[This message has been edited by broken_wings (edited October 16, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by broken_wings (edited October 16, 2000).]

From a purely vindictive pov I would love for my w to tell om about the baby so that he can pay cs. In light of what my w said about him and the assault, his threats on my life and trying to break up the marriage, I don't want him to know anything about the child. Question: Can I have my cake and eat it too!! Can I establish paternity and later sue om for cs?? Just curious. I really don't want him to have anything to do with our life. <P>My wife and I are pretty much getting through everything well. I just wanted to get some advice from other h's out there who are in the same situation. I appreciate the fact that you take the time to reply to these posts. If you have a specific ? you want answered about our situation don't hesitate to ask. We have been very open about what we both have done. Thank you SM59 and T4jdt.

broken wings<P>Yes we do plan to tell the oc and our own two children. That is something we feel very strongly about. How we will do it is another story. Suggestions are welcome.<P>sm59

Hey Tigger,<P> You should lighten up a little......Bystander usually recommends that guys in your H's (and my) situation divorce immediately!!!<P> Folks speak their minds on this site, hon, Sorry.......<P>Lou

Hey middleman,<P>I think that if you read everything that I wrote, and then my H wrote after that, I came across as "speaking my mind" and it was directed towards what had been asked, and then assumed. As I have read from other members, people going to a "Marriage Builders" posting board are looking for support, and I think that the way my H worded his question did not ask of the CS issue on his behalf, but if OM would have any legal rights in this situation. That was the point I was upset about, because comments that I might bail a few years down the road aren't helpful to our working on a better marriage. I believe that I also stated that I hoped I didn't sound too harsh and that bystander's information was helpful to the actual question that was asked. Maybe some people are still working on their own problems, and the wounds are still fairly fresh on both sides, for many reasons. And as for folks speaking their minds, I am aloud to speak mine just as much as anyone else on these boards, and would hope to help, not hurt, regardless of what position in the situation I am in. Sorry......

<BR>Middleman, hey, lighten up on me! I don't always recommend that men bail from such situations. If there are other children from the marriage, and especially if those children are young, I usually advise men to try and rebuild their marriage. The reason is that the marginal increase in possible child support for the OM's child usually isn't that much money. Its when there are no children (or the marital children are near emancipation) that I recommend men divorce and deny paternity. <P>Tigger, the truth is inviolate. Your H deserves to know exactly the financial risk he is bearing by deciding to stay with you in the marriage. This is known as the principle of <I>informed consent</I>. IMO, there is no conflict between marriagebuilding and the principle of informed consent. Like it or not, his weighing the possibility of being nailed to the income shares cross against your ability to re-earn his trust partially constitutes the "informed" part of his consenting to remain with you. And shooting the messenger isn't going to change that.<P>Given that the OM sounds dangerous, IMO you should investigate whether there is a legal obligation to inform him about his child. If there is not such an obligation, then personally I wouldn't inform him.<P>Bystander

Dear Bystander,<P>Wow, I really must say that I admire your wit "shooting the messenger" indeed. I was going to type something to diffuse the little pea-sized bomb then I read middlemen's nifty fingerwork. I was sweating so much thinking of what I can say so as not to upset sailorman and tigger, while at the same time encouraging you to give advice again despite the response you may get.<P>Guess I was over anxious over nothing! <P><BR>Dear Sailorman and Tigger,<BR>May God help you through this difficult time as you seek him and may you pray for hedges of protection around your spouse and family.<P><BR>God bless<BR>weep<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited October 17, 2000).]