Hi - I read one of your recent posts and realize that you are semi-where I am at with this OC issue. Although I should have totally Plan B'd and left a long time ago - I'm still making excuses (basically) to give my H a chance (when he doesn't deserve one). But nonetheless, how do you deal? My H wants to see the OC a lot - but OW doesn't want me involved - so he has this "relationship" with her so that he can see OC with her socially, etc. and hides it from me - and calls her constantly w/o telling me and basically lives like he has 2 wives and 2 children - 2 lives. He, of course, denies this is the case and that basically since she and I can't be civil about all this - then he's making the best of it. Well bless his little heart - he's making the best of it. I've given upteen chances of "talk to her only in front of me" and the last being our "starting over" vacation to Disney. Before we left the OC was put into the hospital for his asthma. He did not postpone our trip for this and she was upset - because see (she wants him there for her - not for this 21 mo. old child that was sick and wouldn't know the difference). (he's either too stupid or thinks I'm too stupid to see what's going on). Nonetheless, he agreed to talk to her in front of me - so the 1st phone call seemed just "a little much" and I didn't say anything - but the 2nd phone call was just "too intimate - too detailed - too involved and just "too familiar" and really hurt me and offended me - and he knew it was making me upset and then when he got off the phone - I said "you know, I just can't take this - I can't do this for 18 years - while you 2 sit and ooh and cooh over each other. He then said "see, that's why I can't do what you want - you want me to talk to her around you and then see what happens?" You know - there is - just give me the facts conversation - and there is a "we are so close - that I know everything you're thinking and feeling and I'm gonna talk to you in "front of her" and our words will be about something concerning OC but everything else will be understood! (do you know what I mean)? I'm just so raw - I have been waiting and waiting and waiting - and I truly believe he is still seeing her romantically and I'm not really sure why he has me - I honestly don't know if he even loves me - I sure have not given him any reason to really - because all I do is lovebust - and we argue constantly - I'm just so down today - stupid and down - that's me.<P>------------------<BR>

Dear Daycare Disaster,<P>You certainly are down and you have a right to be - but stupid? I doubt that very much.<P>We are sort of at the same place. I have tried to get my H to deal with the OW in front of me and I get the same sort of "this is never going to work" story. My H seems to have some kind of twisted "respect" for the OW because she is raising a child alone and she is not demanding much from him.<P>That is where we part company. She is not demanding a huge amount of child support - that is true. But, he gives her money for extras and the most annoying thing is he gives HER emotional support.<P>I believe that she just wants to hang on to him because she is still in love with him. And, such a situation as you described, 2 wives and 2 children - can be an incredible ego booster for a man. So, it feels like most of the time he is having cake and eating it too!<P>I have read your story and the level of commitment that your H has been able to give seems to be on the low side. But, I see that you are still trying to slug it out. If you really want to make it work, don't stop trying. Try to bury those feelings that you get when he is ooing and aahing over the baby. Try to remember that she had sex but you have love. He committed to you for the rest of his life -- not her.<P>Try your best to "get in her face" and make your presence known. Believe me that will upset her and make her change her tune a bit.<P>I know how hard it is. There are times when I want to smash every dish in the house when I think of the future and every waking hour seems to include the OW and the OC. But, once we get on the road to resolution, things do settle down it just takes a very long time.<P>Pray for strength and I will pray for you to gain more strength. We already deserve medals just for making it this far -- so don't give up yet.<P>Write to me when you need to. Good luck.<P>- Heavenly

DD, I appologize for getting into your post. I haven't been here in awhile & am glad you are still ok.<P>I am in same mess. My H is working with OW, seeing her daily, making decisions about "them". It is exactly as if he has two wifes & two families. I just cannot deal with it. I don't yell or scream, but i know I am withdrawing. I checked his cell phone a few weeks ago & he had saved messages from her (telling him how good it was to see him.. at DNA test, and how much she missed him). Now why would a man who is trying to repair his marriage save that stuff?<P>I am so scared that I will be sitting two years from now in the same position you are in now (please don't take offense). I just think this man will manage to lull me into postponing what I know needs to happen. Your H and mine seem to be cut from same mold. They just think it "doesn't hurt anyone" to act like they do. I just don't get what makes them tick, or how they look in the mirror. I know my H does fear his buddies finding all this stuff out. I wonder why they matter and I don't? Oh well...<P>Take care... Carolyn

Heavenly and Taking Care: Thanks for your words of support. Do you guys like sit and think "how can I make this better - if I do "this" then it will take the pressure off him, etc. and then he will see that I'm the good guy." I really think that the main reason my H is still having anything to do with OW is because like Heavenly said - he feels some sort of warped admiration for her because she is raising a child alone (year she's really alone - lives with her parents and they pay for everything - and are "live-in" babysitters and she can go out and sleep with my H or do whatever she pleases without a child on her hip"; but nonetheless he feels this "obligation" and this duty to her - forget about what duty he has with me or our daughter - I had gotten to the point where I could deal pretty well with the OC issue - it's funny - anyone that has seen "us" with OC - my H always says he's "babysitting for a friend". I wonder how this is going to go over with OW and OC as he gets older(?) The shame - Oh well - I know I'm rambling - My thoughts aren't focused this a.m. But - my Dr. has increased my antidepressant and it's done wonders for me (and my attitude, self-esteem and my pity parties) I seem to have pity parties quite regularly and obviously a big turn-off to anyone - so I wanted to know if either of you had been prescribed these. <BR>Taking Care - I don't know what the future holds - but I wouldn't want anyone to keep being in this position. It is awful!!!!! The pain is almost unbearable - but like you guys said - we have to be strong to be where we are. I'm so sorry for you all - these men are definately conflict avoiders - I'll post later when my thinking is better. Thanks Again.<P>------------------<BR>