grant me this ONE "reprieve"? I need cyber-hugs BIG-TIME....<BR>I feel like such a FAILURE!!!!When I decided to have the twins I ACCEPTED the FULL responsibility of them.To give x-MM some credit (although I think the lions share goes to his W for putting up with HIM!), he has been helping by spending time with the twins.<BR>Well, recently I got another part-time job.<BR>Not a big deal just another 15 hours a week waitressing that way I can attempt to get a house or a larger apartment. <BR>Well, last night I finally lost it. I have been very sick, tired and the twins just got on my VERY LAST NERVE! So, I packed them up, drove to x-MM's work and DROPPED THEM OFF emphatically stating "you want them, you got them, GO TO HELL< LEAVE ME ALONE, etc".<BR>I have NEVER done this before, never felt I had that "in" me to feel that way. Now I feel like 1- the worst mom in the world 2- the ***** from hell 3- the psycho xOW.<BR>I didn't pick up the boys for over 4 hours. I just found a park and sat there and cried for 4 hours and I don't even know why...<BR>The fact is, I am NOT unhappy with my life.<BR>I accept everything about it, I have made very POSITIVE changes and I feel "good" about the decisions I have made and I have followed through on them. I have no regrets AT THIS STAGE (excepting getting involved in the first place!)So, why did this happen to me? <BR>I have now given xMM more fuel for his fire.(when I finally picked up the boys he was livid and TOTALLY threatened me with "if you can't handle them, then WE will take them). ARGH!!!!<BR>I'm sorry guys I didn't mean to dump this here. I guess I just needed to "confess" how horrid I was last night. <BR>How do you guys handle it when you have reached your boiling point (as I am sure many of you guys have for DIFFERENT reasons)? Was I completely out of line? I just can't handle things lately (probably need an increase in my zoloft dosage...).Sorry guys, I will now fade back into the woodwork...<BR>I hope everyone here is doing well though.<BR>

Duranie,<BR> Do you have ANY family or friend support to help you with the boys? Everybody needs a break every now and then, especially when you're sick and worn out from work and dealing with MM's s***.<P> Maybe you could find a preteen/young teenager to come and entertain the boys while you take a bubble bath, rest, or just get some things done around the house. It shouldn't cost much, and would probably help more than you realize.<P>{{{{{{Duranie}}}}}}

Dear Duranie<P>I think you are flat out tired from too much hard work. A small apartment should be fine till you get your health (?) back should you go work for a bigger one.<P>Spending all the time with the twins can be very exhausting. I have a baby and I was very exhausted from looking after one baby and home. I now have live in and a nanny post WS's A because I broke down and couldn't even give baby basic care. I think sweet pea's suggestion that you get babysitter is good.<P>Do you have relatives who can help out? Are you able to relocate to where they are or where the life is less stressful and the houses are relatively cheaper?<P>You shouldn't overdo everything - you need to repair your body even if you are hale as a rosy-cheeked Scotsman (?).<P>God Bless You<BR>weep<P>

If what you did, by dropping the boys off for a break, makes you a bad mother, then I am riding in that boat along with you. Sometimes, we as mother go insane, need time away, to clear our thoughts. That doesn't make us bad, it makes as good mother whom recognize that she is at her limit. A happy mommie, makes happy kids. That is what I tell myself. Why would you dropping off the boys, with xom make you psycho? I really don't see that at all. Psycho is calling his place every 1.5 mins wanting him to come over and get them, and yelling and screaming and making threats..ect... The way I see it is..why should you carry the burden of two-twin boys by yourself, and work 80 jobs to do so..ow or not, it don't make sense to me. If my H OW was to come and drop the baby off, for 4 hours to have a break, I would have no problem with that what so ever. He can say whatever he want to, about you needing a break, but anyone in their right mind will really recognize it for exactly what it was. A SOM (stressed out mom) taking care of herself, so she can take care of her children!

Duranie, Honey:<P>You really must remove that hair shirt you are wearing. You have to stop beating yourself up like this.<P>I admit you could have found a better place to drop off the twins if you needed some down time; but, nonetheless, you needed those moments alone...you were fried, stressed, and coming apart.<P>Even though you are doing many positive things for yourself, you have a lot on your plate with the multitude of jobs, raising those twins alone, being a good mom, health issues and simply being alone too much.<P>I want to know, you never say, but I want to know what kind of support system you have...what about your friends? what about family? are you close to anyone? are you alone a lot? are you dating? is there anyone special in your life? do you have heavy financial burdens or are you kind of OK? How about parents? Sisters? Anyone?<P>Take a moment and tell us more about you and who or what you have in your life to assist you in any way. I hate to think of you out there all alone tackling these struggles without anyone. Inquiring minds want to know...not for nosiness but because I am truly concerned...<P>Catnip =^^=

Thanks guys for letting me "scream"....<BR>Catnip-<BR>You asked so here it goes...<BR>Basically I am all alone. <BR>Family-<BR>My parents divorced when I was 3. My mom was having an affair with my stepfather and she eventually married him. Step-uncle molested me for YEARS. Mom and step-father did NOTHING so, I don't even talk or associate with them.<BR>My real father died just before the twins were born.<BR>Dating-<BR>Heck no. Just not interested. Too hurt, burned, put-off at this stage.xMM was the only guy I ever dated, the only one I ever fell in love with, only guy I was ever with. I spent 11 years with him. Stupidly, I lived for him, not me.<P>Financial-<BR>Well, that stinks too. I make very little (thus why I got a part-time job on top of the full-time job!) but, I make do. It is very hard. The three of us live in a one bedroom apt (the boys have bunk beds in the bedroom I have the couch) I owe tons of people but heck don't we all? But, I made my messes and it is up to me to correct them.<P>Friends<BR>Not really to be honest. When you become involved with a MM, break up with him, and have mutual friends with him they kind of follow him, esp. when he is making my life heck...<P>So, no, I really have no-one. That is why I stayed with xMM for so long. He was literally ALL I had. Stupid and pitiful, huh? I am so much better without him though and it has taken me a LONG time to admit that.<BR>But, like I said these are all situations of MY making and it is up to me to fix them. It is just HOW to do that is boggling my mind...<BR>I really didn't mean to freak out on you guys. I just kind of had to get it off of me, ya know?<BR>Take care guys........

Duranie:<P>We weren't so much freaked as concerned about you. If for no other reason we all empathize with your plight and the difficulty of raising children alone or through stressful situations.<P>It is time, though, for you to socialize. I know it's probably the last thing you are entertaining at this point but perhaps it is time to join a Bible study at Church and meet women there; or perhaps contact some old friends from high school. <P>I ran into my group of friends at a high school reunion twelve years ago and we get together regularly. Two of them have been particularly close. Is there anyone at work you would care to socialize with? Perhaps just get out for dinner and a movie once every week or two. You really, really need some recreation and a little fun...otherwise life can be pretty dull and daunting.<P>Is there a Mom's group through your twins' school or how about volunteering for an occasional school project? That would throw you together with other Mom's...maybe some single and lonely who would love to make a friend.<P>Duranie, it's time for you to have a little bit of a life for yourself. You do deserve to have something for you. You needn't punish yourself forever and hide from life.<P>Since you have no family to rely on, make your own family through friends...cultivate some friendships.<P>It's time.<P>Catnip =^^=

Duranie,<BR>I am sorry you reached your boiling point but honey we all do! As you said you have no real support so who else would you give them to if not their dad!!! From what I know about you through this forum, you are a wonderful mom, don't ever second guess that.<BR>Upon discovery of the OC I was a single mother for almost three years but I am lucky Duranie in that I am blessed with wonderful support and that my son is truly loved by so many. As the saying goes it takes a village to raise a child and unfortunately your circumstances do not provide that.<BR>If I recall correctly you are from New York correct? I don't remember where...White Plains maybe. Well I am from New York too Duranie, perhaps we should meet up one day, I have no problem driving up to you. Our boys can play and perhaps just maybe I can offer YOU some reprieve if only for a few hours. I know we don't know each other but I can detect good character and if I can be of assistance please consider me. Honestly Duranie, let me know if I can be of some help to you. I would never offer if I didn't mean it. God bless you and your boys. You will be in my prayers

This is so funny! My sister emailed me this page and told me i wasn't the only one!!! I am married,24yo,have one 19month old girl,emily. i run my own jewelry store in a small town,work volunteer ambulance service,going back to school for nursing, and emily goes with me to work every day. I am very busy and make practically nothing. Thank god for my husbands steady paycheck.Anyway, after a long week I decided to take emily to the DQ for lunch.She had been pretty "busy" all morning and when we got to the DQ she ran around like a wild animal, taking people's fries right out of their hands, hit another child because he wouldn't give up his cone, and to top it off got into the freezer and pulled out a cake onto the floor!!! I wanted to KILL her!!! I grabbed our food, put her in the car, called my husband and told him he was getting em for the rest of the day before i sold her to someone! He was working at the farm on some equipment, wasnt happy, but didnt challenge me. I didn't tell him what had happened, just handed her to him-with his two buddies and own father watching is shock- I told him I didn't want to hear from either one of them for the rest of the day, I didn't care if they died!! Leave me alone, and if you need medical attention and call the ambulance- I was on call that day- if i heard it was our address i wasn't going to answer the page!!! I turned around, left, no questions answered and didn't see them until six hours later. Boy did it feel good. We all have a breaking point. I have them several times a month. Don't feel guilty for needing time to yourself, you did have a life before the twins, and they cant be your whole life. Find a neighbor, teen, someone, to help give you ten minutes to breathe,and think about what you need and want.It doesn't mean you'll get it, but it helps to dream!! Good luck!!

Duranie , I just caught the "date" of this post! OHHHHH!!!!!!<P>Best wishes.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited June 14, 2001).]

Where is Duranie??? I havent seen anything on her in soooo long. I started to get excited when I saw the post also Gem. She was here when I first found this place and I had so much admiration for her strength.<P>Hey Duranie!! Where are you??

I to thought our long lost Duranie was back. I hope she is o.k. its been a long time. <BR> with love flowerseed