Well, as you know everything was going great for me and H. He opened up I opened up...he informed me that he had been on and off emialing the OW. He told me it would get dirty. And that he often would start it. Then he gave me the password to his other email account, for me to read for myself. I can't believe it, but then again I can. He told me that it was some obsession of some sorts, when he would feel bad about me and him he would email her. It would start out fine, and end up,..well nasty..dirty..you get the pic. How in the world do I deal with this? He opened up to me, now what? He wants me to help him through this. What do I do? All of this hurt me, but not as much as I thought it would, because I see it as an honest effort to make, things right. Does that sound way off base? BTW there were over 200 and some of them. The OW claimed not to have wanted him, so wrong..so very wrong. I feel stupid. Stupid to think that I could deal with her on a even playing field. What was I thinking? I was running around playing nice, which I will honestly say that I ment, and not looking at what was really going on. I read from many of you that this would happen, I should have listened. I was honestly sitting here feeling sorry for her. I read your post to her, and it started to dawn on me, but not fully until I read her emails to him. This wasn't a women whom didn't want my H, this was a OW that was keeping me at bay. Slowly trying to get me out of the pic. How in the world could I be so blind. Now she is claiming that she wants him to give up rights to the child, and that she is changing the childs name back to hers, instead of his tomarrow. This can be one of two things, one, she doesn't want to get the blood test. Wonder Why? Been put off now for 5mths. And can she change the childs name that easy? Not that I care, because it really bothers me that she gave the oc his last name in the first place, just another way to trap him. I should have seen this coming, with her sitting in here and telling everyone had bad she has it. You all saw it, I guess I should have too, maybe I was to close to the situtuation. And on a final note, I dont care if she see this, it's about time that I start sticking up for me, instead of walking on egg shells.<BR>

I can say anyhting about the other woman becasue I am the unfaithful husband in my family. However, I can say something about what your husband is trying to tell you. I know it is hard because it isso close so maybe it will help from a third party.<P>I have made a re-comitment to my spouse and fully intend to abide by that commitment. I actually have a couple of affairs that 2nd of which ended up with a child. But, it is not easy! Once you go down a path, it makes it easier to go that way again. I am in a constant state of alert as to my triggers that would lead me astray again. I am constantly tempted and even placed into situations of immeninet danger. I have to fight, struggle and rely on God to keep me from falling again. I don't think I am a sex addict but many of the same feelings of being out of control or unable to stop and that it will never go away are there. When I went to counseling my mentor said that you may be on the wagon now but you have to put safeguards into place to keep from falling again. Sure your good now when it is all freesh and new and painful and raw but what about on a slow thursday, 1-5-10 years down the road.<P>It seems that we should just be able to say "I love my spouse and would never want to hurt her so i will never do this again" But for some reason it is not that easy. It is a daily struggle. A daily reminder of what we have to lose. For me, a DAILY walk with God. Accountability, total painful heart renching honesty, meeting emotional needs and slowly rebuilding trust.<P>I don't know if this helps or not but I just know that it is not as easy as it should be. The Tempter gets his claws in you and is loathe to let go. <P>One day at a time<BR>Just_a_man

Just a man<P>Thank you for your post. It really helped shed some light on what he is going through. Do you think that when he sends these email, and calls or whatever he has done, it really isn't about weither or not he loves me, but an addiction of some sort? Is there some way that I can make it easier for him, I mean help him over the slow thursdays? He has told me I want to stop, I don't even know why I do it anymore. Do you think it was a step in the right direction for him to show me his emails to her, or am I just wishful thinking?<BR>

Noodles,<P>I would just like to say I think it was a very big step in him telling you about the emails. It was something very intimate that he is trying to show you. He is laying all his cards out on the table and being totally hones, no matter how embarrassing it is ( I am assuming of course that it was not easy for him to do).<P>It seems he is asking for your help...kinda throwing himself on the mercy of the courts. How to help him? IMO, allow him to be totally honest and seek counseling for both of you individually and together. Our counselor sees us seperate once a week for an hour and every once and a while he will bring us together. He only charges for one session since it is his was of working. He says he used to do couples at the same time and all he learned was how they fight. Plus sometimes it is very hard to be open and honest about yourself and your spouse with them next to you.<P>God Bless

Broken_Wings<P>Thanks for your insight, I was really hoping that it was a good sign instead of a bad one. Yes, It was very hard for him, I know that, And I do want to help him in any way I can, I dont feel that it would be wise at this point to become angry about the e-mials, I feel that he is trusting me with this, my reaction, good or bad will be the decieding factor in future honesty. ?? I think he knows what he has done is wrong, and it does no good to beat a dead dog..(gee, I am really on this dog thing today ha)<BR>As for counseling, we do see a counselor but we see him togeather. And your right, you do fight in the sessions and sometimes not much gets done. I might ask him tomarrow, if he does the sort of thing yours does. Wed. is always our Counseling Night. I think it might help.

last night had a counseling session. It went well until, We were discusing sharing responsibility for the children. I was trying to get him to understand that I have all the resposibility for the kids, such as always having to arrange babysitters, ect..and how he can just get up and go. Well, my H said, yes I have had to get a babysitter, one time, that younge girl. I couldn't believe it, the one time he had gotten a babysitter, it was because he wanted to go golfing in the rain. But amazingly enough he ended up at OW house. He had my car as his was broken. He was suppose to pick the kids up at 3:00, as the babysitter had something to do, but guess what he never showed. He was also suppose to pick the me up at work, because he had my car..nope didn't show up there either, so I had my sis, get the kids, and pick me up. Then we decieded to take a trip to see if he was there, and sure enough he was. With MY car. We followed him home, and right outside of town flagged him down, I got in the car, and took the keys, and there was noway I was going to give them back, he jumped on me, and started hitting me in the gut to get me to let go, (I was prego at the time), any way he didn't get the keys, he ended up breaking the car, and I had to have it towed, but it was worth it. I left him there, so he walked to a pay phone and called OW to come and get him, he stayed there 2days, the weekend, and then came back sunday night, with a new van, that him and her had picked out. Just waltz back into my home like nothing happened. Why did you think, that he would bring up the one time he got a babysitter, knowing that this all came with it. Talk about triggers. Last night I made my first attempt at Plan A. I said nothing..not that I didn't want to ..I almost got up and tore his eye sockets out..but I didn't. I feel like I am at square one again. Also, on another note, I did however, after that, state to him and the counseler. that If he was to EVER have contact with the OW or OC at this point, I would have to kick him out. Which I know is what she wants, but I just can't take it anymore. I am done playing thier games. I am done being nice. Really done. I think it is best for me, even if it was possibly a vindictive act on my part. Why should I sit here and feel sorry for her, when I know d&^% well she planned this whole thing. She told she had a misscarriage, 1 month proir to coming up prego. I don't understand how he could have been so stupid as to go back. I am sure sex was the lure, being an ex-stripper and all, I am sure she knows how to use it to her advantage, after all she got paid to do so. Why is it, that a simple statement about the babysitter brought, all of this hate and anger back? We were doing so good.

Noodles... I know exactly what you mean. I could have almost wriiten your post myself. My H will also pat himself on the back & all the time be setting off all sorts of bad memories. Then has gall to act like "you just can't get over stuff can you" if I dare mention the fact that the thing he is recalling was hurtful. Doing all this Plan A can be stressful at times. And then you get an episode like what you experienced (sitting in counselor office & getting hit in the face with something painful... after all that Plan A you have been doing!). This Plan A has been a test of character for me beyond anything I would have thought I was capable of doing. <P>I have always wondered how you can rebuild a marriage with an OC in the picture. I mean, MB call for NO contact with OW/OM in a case of an affair. What the heck are the rules when that cannot happen? You are within your rights to set boundaries of what you can tolerate with OW/OC. Stick to them. If he cannot honor that then he just flat out does not understand what pain you are in. I know my H does not think his continued contact with OW is harmful to me & our children. He is so wrong. I am about to step up my resolve in that area myself. If we cannot agree on that one subject (Policy of Joint Agreement right?) then we will not survive & need to stop this now. I cannot let him continue to hurt our family. <P>Take care... Carolyn

takingcare<P>Thank you for your response, it does help to know that others are in the same state of frustration as you, exspecially after hearing "You are dwelling on this.." or "Your crazy.." all the time. Have yet to define, or begin to define what the boundries are?? It seems I have tried everything, from saying ..If you want to be married to me, you will have no contact with her or the oc ever..to..saying its ok to communicate with her about the child. Then he calls her, and talks for 40 mins. WOW! after hearing him go into the bathroom and shut the door, and tell her how sorry he was for all of this, and how it was my fault that he didn't see the oc., 20 min into the converstation I left. Didn't bother to even get off the phone, just kept talking even though he knew I was hurt. Then had the nerve to tell me, well, you told me to call!! Can you believe that? I do believe what you said about contact with the OW hurts the kids, as well as you. Here is where I am at..you know what? I don't even know. I just realized that.<P>Noodles

Dear Noodles,<P>My H and I tried counselling as well. And, I can tell you that counselling brings all the raw emotions back to the surface at first. Because the contact with the therapist is so limited at first, the feelings are all dredged up and then the time is up -- leaving you in a murderous state.<P>My H also tells me that I should be over it. I have come to understand that men think very differently about this topic. For them, you repent and then you move on. My H constantly complains about being "tried again and again for the same crime". In his mind, the fact that he said he was sorry is more than enough.<P>Like you, my H was also emailing the OW when they were having the A and the posts became very sexually explicit. I found them and read them (my H also had tons of them). It was and still is a very embarrassing point for my H that I read such private thoughts that he sent to another woman! So, the fact that he showed the messages to you is a big positive step!<P>My H was also addicted to those e-mails. He felt that it was exciting to be able to write all sorts of little dirty things on the computer. The OW was also sending him computerized cards. So, my solution was that I started sending him computer cards during the day -- cards expressing love and there were a few that were racy and suggestive without being raunchy. <P>At first, he was reluctant because he thought it would remind me of the OW -- and it did for a while -- but now I feel that we have found another interesting way of expression that has rejuvenated our relationship. At first it was so hard -- to know that I was imitating a woman who had tried to steal my H, but in the end, satisfying his needs turned out to be fun for me too and the image of the OW faded quickly into the woodwork.<P>- Heavenly

Heavenly<P>Thank you for your wise words. I never thought about counseling being harder at first. But It does start to make it better, right? I can see how it would.<BR>I have often wondered if the email were more an addiction than actually to the other women. Just the thrill of the secret and nastyness. And yes I do think it was a big step for him to give them to me, I am trying to react calmly (hard to do, feel like a bomb is about ready to go off) But when I do that, I come on here, and it really seems to help. Takes the edge off. Thank You again. God Bless You<BR>Noodles.