Today is oc 1st birthday Iam having hard time today. I dont know why this is bugging me so much Ive been on a up and down all week. We have no contact with oc or ow other than the money she gets every week. I do want to say this site has helped me so much it is wonderful to want to be alive again. I want to thank all of you reading your post has help me sooooo much. With love Flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>

flowerseed<BR>I have read your post 3 times now, I have not yet had to deal with oc 1st, the birth was hard enough. I don't really know how to help or there is no advice I can give, as I have not been there yet. But I will tell you my prays are with you. Take care of yourself.<P>Noodles

Thanks noodles, Just saying hey this bugs me helps. In 2 weeks Ill be having more fun the 5th of Nov is when sweetie pie called to tell me my husband has a son. I tell ya I really came unglued I knew nothing about prego. I quit my job and had been in h*** up until I found this sight a little over a month ago. THANK YOU GOD! IM back on track now getting my business up and running again. Its kinda odd 10 years ago I let it all go because I got divorced had one that not only cheated but liked to break bones. Now Iam getting it going again because of what happened. I said Iam doing what makes me happy. I can say since I found this site I can say Iam finally beginning to feel peace in my life Yee Haa it feels good. bye for now time to take 5 year old to school. see ya, Flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>

Dear Flowerseed,<P>Anniversaries used to mean a lot of happy times for me; I was such a glut for them that I would invent all sorts of anniversaries - first when our eyes met, first gift exchange, first time we ski together, first time we .... Now, with one fell swoop, anniversaries are triggers - first when they sinned, first when they....<P>Perhaps the way to go about anniversaries now is to CREATE NEW ONES - first when baby talks, walks, win a prize, MOTHER'S DAY!! .<P>I guess it takes a paradigm shift to understand how OWs can feel so eager to have an OC and I can visualise how they might want to get the birth over and rush to the phone to inform the poor wife so as to shatter her world. With that image in mind, perhaps it is easier to be more determined not to let OW continue to eat into your life (Hey, I am preaching here, hard to practice ).<P>I am glad that you have FOUND YOURSELF in the midst of this chaos, and is now living your life doing the things you like. In a strange way, I find my life better now that I don't have to 'ache' for spouse's approval and presence. It is pretty much like having your self identity back; you can achieve things in your own right and be less giving of your whole 24 hours and life. Previously, I slaved and sacrificed for my WS, working at a job and housework, while he does his job only. So, I am now free to do what I want and I am going to reach my potential!<P>So, seize the day! On the nov 5, do something so special and claim that day back - do you do kickboxing? Buy a punching bag? Start inline skating? Ballroom dancing? Buy a puppy? Buy a chick? Buy an iguana? <P>God bless you<BR>weep<P>

Thanks weep, I think Iam going to go buy something for our dauther she needs a new coat. I also will get something to celabrate our family Happy birthday to us. So take that wanna be home wrecker and she tried to tell my husband that she wasnt no home wrecker I guess she was right. I had to laugh about the new pet if you only knew all the strange animals I have had. You are so right about always doing for WS that was the first thing to go. Ive got to go get something done in this yard snow will be flying before we know it. see ya Flowerseed

I can truly relate to the issue on doing everything for the WS, I can no longer find the stomach to do this honey, or do that honey. OH! Aniversaries, or how about birthdays, holidays, the OW ruined them all. Making sure she slithered her slimy being in to all of them. Leaving a fairly detectiable trail of ooze behind her. And that ooze stunk of rotten garbage. If it smells like garbage, it must be garbage. oh I really got going there, weep did you say something about kick boxing? ha. I am so glad you have something to put your extra energy in, it truly helps. And yes, I do believe this site, was the best thing I could have done also. I have learned so much from it already.

noodles, speaking of garbage thats how I deal with the child support when Iam doing bills I list it under sleezy and think of it as the trash bill. Gees hasnt the price of rubbish removel went sky high. see ya Flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>

Yes it has, although, we have yet to pay for removal. Ha. Thats a whole other story.

flowerseed<BR>i know exactly how you feel <BR>the oc 1st b-day is next month and i am already depress about it.<P>Just wanted to let you know you wasn't along.........<P>Hurting

Oh yeah! Anniversaries. They aren't quite the same anymore. But like you all have said here...I'm gonna change that. I've noticed a change in me. Like the rest of you, I was the dutiful little (well not so little) wife. Wife, lover, teacher to my children, nursemaid, wanna-be-vixen in bed-willing to do almost anything to keep him happy, give it to him anytime...etc. I think you all get the picture. Out of bed, trying to meet all his needs and my childrens' also. But you know what? I don't feel "pressed" anymore. I've began to become selfish in a "healthy" way. I'm doing and thinking about doing things that please ME. Not H. That's a difference. I agree with Weep: let's make some anniversaries of our own...i.e.: when we began to love ourselves again...when we went 1 whold day without thinking about this madness...when we were able to look into our husband's eyes again and feel love and not pain. We're gonna make it. Hang in there Flowerseed.<P>Comfort<P><P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

Comfort you offer great advice!<P>Flowerseed and everyone else, we will make it through. As hard as it is to deal with this annual reminders of the pain and suffering that these OW have caused us, each one makes us stronger and more determined.<P>Stay strong flowerseed. And, like Comfort said -- keep taking care of yourself in a very positive way. We have been the doormats for too long. It is now time for us to do the walking instead of the lying down. So walk yourself to the salon or an exercise class or any other place that makes flowerseed happy.<P>And when the blues hits, as we know it does, come here and let us help you get through.<P>Bless you, I am praying for you ...<BR>Heavenly

Hi Flowerseed, I am with you at the moment. OC's 1st b-day is tomorrow (Friday) and I have been thinking about it for the past month. Uh! I do not really feel so good at the moment...maybe the stess has gotten to me.<P>Anyway, just wanted to let ya know I am with ya.<P>Love<BR>Mending Wings

Thanks girls I made it feeling much better today! Broken-wings how are ya doing? Try to take the other girls advice and do something special for you and your family make them new memories. Thanks again everyone. Has anyone heard from not giving up her baby should be here now. Are you out there not giving up? bye for now with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>

Anniversaries are a whole different things. I thought it was ironic that the OC was born the day before my 20th wedding anniversary. However, I did not know that. What made that anniversary special was my H set up an overnight getaway for us to celebrate our anniversary. We left the older children at home and our 4mos son with my best friend. Four months later I learned that the OC had been born and was also born the day before our anniversary. It has been 6 years and when I approach our anniversary, the day before I am sad not for me but for that little girl who has no father to share her special day with her, only a very selfish mother. However I also am looking to renew our vows on a new day to celebrate a new relationship between us. As someone else said, I have over the years gained independence. <BR> I am in this relationship because I chose to be here. However I know that if he does it again I am strong enough and capable enough to walk away. If he can not treasure what we have, then I am gone. He know this and continues daily to make me want to stay. <BR> Stay true to yourself. TG

I don't know what is wrong with me. I anticipate these anniversaries with dread and when they come...they just quietly go away with barely a hiccup. I expect a tsunami of emotional distress and get a momentary pang of discomfort and then I am distracted by something else more relevant.<P>Perhaps it is uninvolvement and my husband's lack of interest that frees me from the angst.<P>At any rate, for me, it isn't as big a deal as I project it to be. When the OC turned a year old last 8-19, we were busy doing something else and I am probably the only one who thought about it for a moment.<P>Sometimes I think I set myself up for unnecessary pain...I know I like to wallow. However,when i wallow I do it for the express purpose of feeling as much pain as I can so I can grieve for a time and get rid of it. when I snap out of it, I really snap out of it.<P>On Tuesday, October 24, is the two year anniversary my husband met the OW. Yawn. I'll be in Las Vegas at a trade show. Which reminds me, I better do my nails.<P>See. It ain't no big deal...is it? We'll see how I feel when Thanksgiving rolls around...let's see if I am as cavalier then! <P>I'm such a big talker.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

I think also for me, because my H is NOT involved at all with OC it makes "anniversaries" easier. The OC is 4 years old and has never been a part of our life. My H has adopted a very cold and matter of fact attitude. That wasn't such a stretch for him. By nature, he isn't cold. He's just a man and he looks at things in a very factual way. His emotions are not involved and he feels no emotional attachment to this OC. Like i've said many times before, that's more than O.K. by me. So, other than the cs he has to pay, there's nothing there. I'm not sure which one of you smart ladies said this a while back, but it stuck with me. Someone said (and I'm paraphasing) "an agreement to sex is not an agreement to parenthood". That's the way my H feels. He knows he's responsible financially for this OC, but he never wanted another child. WE never wanted anymore. We have two at home with us and he has 2 from a previous marriage...plus an adult son from a teenage pregnancy! Two is more than enough for me. Also, even IF my H had had any idea of being a "father" to this OC, that would have been way TOO MUCH for me to live with and I know I couldn't have. It's hard enough living through this and trying to go on with my life and present "normalcy" for my children's sake. But to have this OC involved in our lives....there's no way I could stay and be a part of that. So, I'm grateful that in my situation, my H is simply the "sperm donor" for the selfish tramp he chose to sleep with. I'm NOT happy at all about him having to pay cs, but then again, it's a situation he brought upon himself. True, sex is NOT an agreement to parenthood...but like I remind my H, if you hadn't been there to begin with...if you'd just "weathered" the storm a little longer between us, you wouldn't be paying for anything at all. And we still made it inspite of the "storm". Too bad he was stronger. I was going through the same "storm" and "waited" it out...just me, my children and God. It worked...for me, anyway. Sorry to ramble on...just wanted to share those thoughts with you all. <P>Warmest regards and prayers,<P><BR>Comfort<P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

I think we are very lucky that we dont have to deal with OC. I know I wouldnt still be with my husband if he would have wanted OC in our lives there is no way I could deal with it either. One day I do know that we are going to have to explain to a 18 year old probley very messed up young man why is father had nothing to do with him. I had my first baby when I was 15 and a 2nd by 17 the marriage didnt work my son was 3 years old when we divorced there dad had nothing to do with either kids my dauther turned out fine. My son was always in troble no matter how hard i tried to be both it wasnt enough. He is 21 now and will get out of jail in Nov hopfuly he has learned something. Kids are very forgiving thou he holds nothing against his father. I dont even like to think about how awfully it would be to find out how you were brought into the world in such a decietful disgusting way. Oh well about 17 years to go.Have to go for now. With love flowerseed

i agree with everything that has been said. we have nothing to do with OC. she turned 3 in october. of course, i was the only one who thought about it. even reminded my H so he could turn off his cell phone in case OW decided to call and invite him to her party. i think us women are more likely to do that. like catnip said, i too think i set my self up for unnecessary pain. hopefully one day that will stop.<P>anyway, flowerseed, glad everyone got you thru this tough time. and i know just reading the thread has helped us all in some way too. hang in there.<P>happy_girl