Guys is there a point where you call it quits even though you still feel so strongly for your Spouse? Or do you just keep trying until your love bank has dried up and you fall out of love with them?<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Lostsoulmate,<P> I will not quit until I reach the point where I have absolutely no love at all for my wife. I don't know if I will ever reach that point, and that's the scary part. <P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR><P>Lynton

Ummm. Quitters never win and winners never quit.<P>I don't know. I guess when you know in your heart you have done absolutely everything humanly possible to reach out, repair, recover and restore and you find you continue to do all the work all by yourself with little or no input from WS and you know in your heart nothing will change is when to pull the plug.<P>BUT, sometimes...sometimes when you do that, they suddenly wake up. They panic, they realize they are losing the best thing that ever happened to them and they 'get religion' and begin making a concerted effort. It's called Plan B.<P>The trick, I think, is once they become committed to recovery, is for them to stay dedicated and not toget complacent thinking now they are back in, they can relax...because, they can't. It's a fine line, LSM...a very fine line. It's up to you to determine how much you are willing to endure and if there is light at the end of the tunnel.<P>Search your heart, trust your gut.<P>Catnip =^^=

lostsoulmate,<P>I think Catnip answered your question but maybe not in the way she intended. Let's say you decide to go to Plan B or just go for the divorce. And lets say that your H then "wakes" up and sincerely wants and will turn his life around.<P>Now if you have persisted until you have no love left, no feelings left, and are just indifferent, then there is no chance if the turnaround occurs. If you leave with something left but having done all you can do, then if the turnaround occurs there is something upon which both of you can build.<P>That is why Harley suggests Plan B when you are losing the loving feeling not when you have already lost it. If you wait until you have lost it, then even if Plan B works, it is too late.<P>Does that help clarify your thinking?<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you both for the kind words. That's my problem. My H does so much to try to make it right. But I don't think it's 100%. Or is that just my newfound distrust and insecurity. <P>And the battle with my heart and my head is one I'm not sure can be won. To fight until death (so to speak) until my heart has no room left for him just seems one that will never be won. I will always love him. Always carry him in my heart.<P>I have given everything. I think deep in my heart if I leave or ask him to leave that, that would be the end of it. And I will have moved on and closed that door. And I'm afraid to do it. Because "what if" he did finally wake up at that point? And I won't want it back? I'm afraid to walk away from someone I care so much about even though some may say it's the right thing to do.<P>I feel so tired. So drained. I f_cking hate myself. Yet at the same time I admire myself for all the steps I've taken and all the effort I put in. I'm sorry to vent. I just wonder if anyone has ever put an end to their marriage even though they felt so deeply for their spouse because they knew it was right. I know it's for me to decide I'm just having a hard time doing just that. Please just keep my in your prayers while I start to put the pieces of my life back together. Thank god for this site. Thank you for your support and encouragement. I think of you all everyday. Take Care.<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

lostsoulmate,<P>I certainly am not an expert and have not been in your position. But I will tell you something that seems to be true in my life and many other people I know. When it comes to the big decisions, the decision will be made for you.<P>You will know what the right thing to do is, because to do the other while possible won't make any sense to you. To do this you must quit fighting with the decision. Just step back and trust you yourself, your faith, and time to reveal to you what the right thing to do is. It will happen.<P>So my advice for what it is worth, is to relax and watch the world for awhile. You will get the answer you need.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

<BR> Lostsoulmate,<P> This is my second marriage,(my first wife left me for another man) I have always regretted not working harder at that marriage. I won't make that mistake again. You work and struggle untill you know in your heart that you did everything you pssibly could, and then some. No regrets! Those stay with you!<P> God bless you,<P><P>------------------<BR><P>Lynton

Dear LSM,<P>I struggled with the decision to leave a first H who was WS and abusive. It took a long time and I had so much feelings for him because he was an abused orphan whom I thought I could make happy. That was what he told me and everytime I think of leaving him, he would manipulate the situation. Anyhow, the marriage was a blanc one and I was a trophy wife and a family to call home. I felt I had to give up my right to my own life because of my misplaced guilt. There were other issues as well, such as lying about wanting children before marriage.<P>Even then, it took a whole team of concerned loved ones to help me file and get to court - I had an entourage with me (even the judge looked quizzically at my group). I couldn't make the final decision and because I was literally wasting away and working at one full-time job and four part-time ones for no reason at all except to stop and face the state of my marriage.<P>I am glad that I divorced that first time from a 'selfish, cruel, greedy, bitter person who took your kindness for granted and used your beauty for show' (from the horse's mouth). When I read that, I felt a pang of regret again, but....<P>I have to try on this second WS because of my baby. <P>LSM, you can commit your H to God and ask that God's will be done in his and your life. A lot of issues need to be resolved and both of you need to completely heal from the crisis first. Take this analogy - if you try to stick two broken pieces together without first cleaning off the dirt, it will not last. You have to clean the pieces first, especially the contact points before they can be bonded solildly.<P>I think full repentance from the wayward ways and showing fruits of repentance are critical in ensuring the rebuilding and restoration of your marriage. That can only happen when the issues of trust, healing, forgiveness, and repentance are being resolved by both parties.<P>God Bless you<BR>weep

LSM,<P>I share so many of the emotions that you described in your posts. Sometimes I feel so tired from the battle that is constantly raging inside me - from the negative and positive feelings that keep pulling at each other.<P>And yes, sometimes I feel like a fool and I ask myself "Why should I have to go through this?" I feel that I should just leave or ask my H to leave.<P>But when you think about the whole picture - adultery shakes the entire foundation of your marriage and, more than that, your beliefs about life and yourself. Most of us spent about 20 years or more growing up and adopting our values to prepare us for married life. We are now back at square one asking ourselves where it all went wrong.<P>That's when I think it is illogical to expect to re-build my entire structure of life expectations within a year or two years when it has taken all my life to become the person that I am.<P>I think we all need time and we all need support. By opening up to each other here, we find the comfort and strength to keep going.<P>As long as you feel that you basically have a good spouse who has made a terrible mistake then I say keep struggling. Like the song says "This ain't no Shangri-la". No, it's life and it's tough and it hurts sometimes but I say let's try to work past the hurt and recapture the joy we once had in our spouses.<P>Good luck to you in the process but don't put too much pressure on yourself for quick decisions -- there's time.<P>God Bless.<BR>- Heavenly

This is related, I think. Awhile back, I asked my husband what marital advice he would give his son or a younger man and he said "marry a very stubborn woman." <P>Don't give up just 'cause of a bad day, lsm. I still have bad hours or days sometimes, but I am also having one of the best times of my life right now, including a really nice 14th anniversary, and I wouldn't have missed it for the world... (for all that pain? I don't know, but I really am glad I'm where I am at today).<P>Have you and your H done the Emotional Needs questionaire? Highly recommended!<P>Jenny, 2+ years into recovery

Well I haven't been totally honest with you all. I beleive my H is having an affair with a woman that works or use to work for him. I've heard stange messages from her on his cell phone. And seen strange e-mails from her.<P>Just that she's calling to say hi, telling him to have a good day, whatever. H has told me that she's dingy and she sounds like it. But I just can't accept that she's that dumb. I'm not sure how physical it is since he calls me every night from work before he comes home. Only thing is who's to say she isn't there with him.<P>He tells me how much he respects and loves me and our D and would never do that again. Maybe this is just an EA but he doesn't realize this does just as much damage if not more.<P>I feel so stupid and blind. I feel like an abused wife who ends up in the hospital several times a month yet still goes back for more.<P>I thought my H truly was remorseful and wanted this marriage and his words still sound so sincere. But now I'm digging to try to find one reason for his staying while still carrying on with someone else. Could it be he can't decide? Could it be he's addicted to her? Could it be he's using me for a place to call home? Because he wants to be able to be as close to our D as he can and the sacrifice is staying married to me?<P>I keep waiting for that "feeling" of knowing what is right and wrong and can't seem to find it. Or have I and I don't have the strength to do it? Or do I have my blinders on still holding on to that last drop of hope?<P><P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

lostsoulmate<P>Three years ago, I was exactly where you are at today, to an extreme. My H had A with a relative who lived with us and was very physically abusive. I thought, I could not put my heart and head back into the relationship either, after what he had done, no matter how hard he tried. I knew nothing about plan A or B. I kicked him out. I thought I hated him, and nothing was ever going to heal those wounds he had inflicted. I was miserable. I went on a serious downward spiral, drank and lost control in my life. All of this I did because I too, hated myself. If someone would have told me that, I still loved my H at that point, I would have thought him or her insane. I would have told them...he did this..and he did that, how could I love him? The problem was I did love him, and what he did couldn't kill that, even though at that point I thought it had. I just didn't realize it yet. It took me a 1 1/2 years to figure this out. It took his involvement with the now OW, for me to realize, that he was my H and I did love him. I had everyone telling me I was better off without him. But, I can see now that I wasn't, he was the other half that made me whole, and vise versa, when separated, we both become people we weren't. Did things we would never do. I seriously thought at that point it would never work...never. Too much water under the bridge. You know what, we are in the process of building a dam. Sometimes I think if I would have only hung in there alittle longer, I could have saved us both a lot of trouble, and wasted time. But we all learn from our mistakes. Sometimes it takes mistakes and loss to realize what we really have…That is true for both him and me. <BR>I know it looks hopeless, but sometimes looks are very deceiving. I don't know if my story helps at all but I thought I might share it with you to give a different perspective. Take care. God Bless You.<BR>