OK, Im here kind of as a last resort.
My wife and I met 6 years ago. Within three days we were in bed together and then had a little rough waters right after that but got back together shortly thereafter and began dating. I shortly found out that she had been with 8 other people including myself. It didnt bother me at the time cause I really didnt love her (i see now) but as a few months progressed I started to love her and it started to eat away inside of me. I had never been with someone else and conveyed that to her. We went on dating and eventually God laid on my heart a conviction for her to be saved and for me to turn my life around, so we started going to church and she became saved one sunday morning. Things were drastically different at that point in her life but we continued to have struggles and fights over her past. We tried to abstain from sex but it was hard and eventually she became pregnant. We loved each other so we got married. I MADE IT VERY CLEAR THOUGH THAT WE WERE NEVER GOING TO GO TO HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS OF HERS OR IF SHE TRIED OR WANTED TO GET IN CONTACT WITH ANYONE THAT WOULD PRETTY MUCH KILL ME AND WOULD BE IT.

We got married and for the next 3 years between having two kids and hobbies and everything I didnt think about things to much except for when riminded by a tv show or whatever. I began backsliding as a christian and starting hanging out with the wrong croud and eventually found myself at stip clubs, drinking, cussing again etc. Of course this just led me to think that she was cheating on me but being a stay at home mom she didnt get out much. I started watching her emails and stuff and sure enough I found out that she had registered at classmates.com and one of her ex-whatevers (wasnt even a boyfriend) had emailed her and instead of her stopping it dead in the tracks she continued the conversations. I found out and it killed me. I blew up. we forgave after a week or so and then everything pretty much went back to normal for a year.

I finally decided that I was spending way to much time on hobbies, and not enough time with the family and I had had enough. So I decided to start showing more love and affection to my wife and kids but what do you know the closer I got the more I reminded myself of her past and it killed me.
(I think it is important that I mention that I was a fat child and teenager from 5th - 12th grade and it hurt my self esteem like you wouldnt believe. Between that and not being good enough in school to my mom I had absolutely no self esteem)

I decided to start asking intamate questions even though I knew alot about her past already. Then we got to this one guy that she met at a club and went home with the first night. I had seen this guy before briefly and I asker her to compare him to me and as I asked questions i became madder and madder and finally i erupted (my ego and everything snapped all at once) and I lashed out on her. This has happened 4 or 5 times now and I dont know how to deal with it.

If anyone met my wife in her current state they would think I am the luckiest guy in the world. But I have trouble letting the past go and it kills me to think about things. If I picture her in bed with another man having sex with her it eats my heart out, it makes me not trust her, and sometimes even makes me feel as if I hate her.

We have been going to marriage counseling and I have been going to a few sessions of personal counseling but it is not happening I lashed out again last night.

I am trying to work out and eat right to be the best but then when I dont feel like the best it kills me and I lash out.

If anyone has any insight please speak up. I do love my wife, I love God and I want to do what is right but this pain in my heart is so great it eats away at my very life and being!!!

Maybe someone wiser than I will come along and help you. But the boards tend to be slow on weekends (and this is not a high-traffic area), so I don't want your post to go unnoticed.

Here is my two cents: neither you nor your wife are the people you were back then. I know I did things in HS and college that the person I am now would never do. I had several lovers before I married, and it would be very hurtful to us both if my H focused on that, rather than who I am today. Just as you are no longer the overweight kid who could never do things well enough, she is no longer the girl who slept around. And, I am sure you are both glad to be the new people that you are.

You say that you have both found God, and so I would remind you of Romans 6:2-4 "We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life."

Release your feelings of anger and hurt to God, and focus on your new life and on hers.

Good luck

James,

I agree with kam6318. It also says in the Bible that we ARE to forgive others, as Christ forgave us.

I have always had a problem with the green monster and one day I realized, everything in our past, has molded us into the person we are today. All the hurt feelings, tears of pain and joy, have made each individual that special person they are. Wheather we like the cause or not, the effect is the one you love today.

To fault your wife for a past that is just that.... Past, is not doing right by her. If she is the wonderful wife you say, then look around on this site for even a few minutes. You see a problem in your actions and can help yourself before it gets too far. Your lucky.

You will see that doing this to her will cause her lasting pain for something she did, and no longer has the desire to do anymore. Because she LOVES YOU!!! YOUR the father of her children. She is able to see YOUR face in their faces. Its YOU she want's to spend time with. It's YOU she takes care of and thinks about.

Look at all the rotten things we do even as Christians, fall away and come back, then do it all over again. I thank God everyday for forgiving me of all the bad things I've done, and He forgives me. There are some sins even God forgets...... That's BIG! If He can do it, then we should really make an effort to do the same.

It's not easy and can really bend your mind, but take it minute by minute, day by day. Truly get on your knees and pray. Tell the Lord what your feeling, how these thoughts bother you and ask that He take them away, that this (attack from the enemy) will be lifted from you, and give it to God. So that you can be the loving husband to your lovely wife.

Read Col 3:13 & Philippians 3:13 & 4:13

I give you credit for seeing a problem and wanting to take care of it before it takes care of you. That takes a strong man and your doing it.

I'll be praying for you and I have faith that you will grow from this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My wife had WAY more partners then I ever did. And for awhile it did bother me. And on some days at different levels it still does. But I have to remember this. I am the one that she told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Not any of them. ME!! That is what you have to concetrate on. Remember she was looking for just the right person and she stopped looking when she found you. So don't blow it and give her doubts or reasons to start looking again.

James, you have to put HER past behind you, dwelling on it is killing you, stay focused on TODAY and look at RIGHT NOW, otherwise it will kill your relationship, my wife dwells on my past, its not all that bad, but I did have a few girls i was fond of, and I have fond memories of them, BUT, thats where they stay, in my past, i have made contact with one girl, also on classmates, and its fun to chat about stuff with her,but we're FRIENDS, and thats where it stays, we value the time we spent together as kids and I personally dont want to forget that, good friends are hard to find in this crazy world. You cant DEMAND your wife forget about old friends no matter how much it upsets you, and you cant REFUSE to allow her to attend class reunions, thats insane, GO WITH HER and face your deamons, and DEAL with them, YOUR WIFE WENT TO the reunion with YOU, and she will leave WITH YOU,she will have warm, fuzzy feelings about the past and thats normal and healthy,ALLOW her to find a happy balance between the past and NOW,TOO MANY people in relationships shelter their spouses and create hard feelings needlessly, your obsession with HER past is going to kill it for you, get over it, and get help if you cant, YOUR life depends on it, good luck.

My heart really goes out to you and I can empathize on how you feel. The most important thing to remeber is that everyone makes mistakes. I had quite a bit of "being very friendly" with the fellows before I was married and now I regret that I ever did. I wish that my husband had been my first and only and maybe your lady love feels that way too. Just remember that none of them ment enough to her to marry and that you were the one that stole her heart. I know you made references about your self-esteem. You should probebly think about the way your making her feel and her self-esteem. Do you want her to hurt inside like you and feel like a worthless whore with no value? It sounds like you are pushing her away with your anger instead of resolving the problem. Remember 1. neither you or she can go back and change the past. 2. She loves you enough to tell you the truth about her past. 3.She obviously wants to be with you and she puts up with your outbursts because she loves you and is trying to be there for you and your hurt and anger. 4.She wants to be loved unconditionally too!

I do hope this helps in some way. Sometimes the way we look at things helps a whole lot and don't forget to "LET GOD" . You are where you are for a reason. He has his reason. This is his big plan and sometimes we cannot see what he has in store for us but nothing is in vain. He forgave you for your mistakes and her. Now its your turn to follow his mighty example. You can do it. Close your eyes and look inside yourself. You will find his love and strength.

Azrealla

"Within three days we were in bed together".
This seems to be a major point since it was your opening statment. How did you grow to love her while at the same time her affairs were eating away at you? What kind of vile love was it that grew in you? Are you angree with her because of "your" actions, or hers? She didn't have sex by herself on that occcasion. Maybe your major issue is with yourself and your feelings inferiority. How are you inferior to those whom she didn't love? Did she love them enough to marry and bear thier children?
Didn't I read in your post that she completely turned her life around out of love for you? Does that make you inferior to the other men. Is she not getting on her knees and bowing to the ground before you because you are the person who made her all that she is today? Is that what she needs to do to show the world how high you have risen above the fat little pansy that you once were? My, how high we can rise, when we have someone inferior that we can stand upon.
Is it that you resent the fact that she had people around who wanted to be intimate with her, while you were the fat little wallflower who went unnoticed by everyone?
How does she change both your pasts? She can't erase what she did before she met you? Why should she, at that time she didn't owe you fidelity? It was only after she became involved with you that she had an obligation to you. How does she compensate you for your being obese and timid as a teenager? How did she cause your sittuation? It sound to me as if she fell in love with you in spite of your being a great deal less than the perfect specimen.
Well hero, what do you want from her that would make her worthy of you magnanimity? Why after you went through the effort to rescue and turn her into a god loving christian, you find that she is still dammaged goods. I bet God doesn't think so. I'll bet that he shows her off as one of his success stories. What does he have to say about you maligning his good works. Wake up and realize that God put you two together so you could rescue each other, and never again be those people who died when you were reborn as soulmates. Sometimes the birthing pains can last for years, but the resultant love is worth it. She is the woman that you fell in love with, and if you throw part of her out, you throw out part of you.
Might I suggest that you attempt to step out of your position and argue from hers. You might very well find them to be some terribly heart-torn and tearfilled eyes to look through. What will you see when you look at yourself from her painfilled heart?
Good Lord! Now you've went and made me sound like a preacher! That probably won't make my tongue any less sharp though. I'm outta here before someone starts around with the collection tray.

Your angry outbursts come from your own sense of inadequacy really. Had your childhood been better and you grew up with a better sense of self this might not bother you as much.
IF you were looking for a virgin to marry then you should have stuck with your quest to find one.
I don't think you're being fair to your wife. You knew of her past and married her anyways. You should bury it and get on with living. Let her have some peace as well.

Well guys,
Got some pretty good news to report. Unfortunately since this my last post things happened as described one more time. I finally decided and was TOLD pretty much that I needed to get things straight or I was going to lose my family!!! That is not what I want. I love my wife more than anything on this planet and would do anything to keep her and to keep her undying love for me!! I have had my moments where things have still bothered me but I continue to focus on my love for her and it helps greatly. One thing I realized last night though is that I think I have focused to much on the sex in our relationship. Instead of a enhancer I have looked at is as a builder. So last night we layed down in bed talked a little bit and then just held each other and went to sleep it was GREAT!!! I think I felt better this morning than if we had taken all last night to make love!! Sometimes the thoughts still cross my mind but I know over time of concentrating on our LOVE that I believe that will be a non issue too.

Thanks for all of your comments!!!

God Bless you my brother, you and your family will be in my prayers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />