I don't post often. I'm due to have my baby on Sat. (but will probally go late!)<BR>Last night I had a breakdown, not about anything in particular, just because I'm emotionally tired and although I don't really believe the hormones have that much to do with it (they weren't bad during my past two pregnancies) I think it's more the depression. Anyway...<BR>Upon spilling all of my feelings on the table last night, alot had to do with the OC. I have said in the past that I really feel that as a mother I can't understand how my H could not want a relationship with the OC, that he is a wonderful father to our 2 girls and that he is so close to them, and this child, no matter what the circumstances of his birth were, is still his child. But I must admit that when I hear him say that for now he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with him because we are the most important to him right now and he wants to work this out, and for the first year the OC won't really know him, or remember, I feel VERY relieved, and safe.<BR>Last night I said that although I understand what he is saying, I am scared of the future in that he may want a relationship, and am scared as to if I can deal with that. He asked me if I thought it was wrong for him if he decides to, my relpy was that no it's not wrong, its natural, but it does hurt to even think about it.<BR>I apoligize for this one because it is totally from left field and I really don't quite understand it myself but here goes...I'm also afraid of his familys reaction to our baby. Because they missed all of the things (birth, ect) of what I consider to be the first grandson on their side, (and that it is hard for them because I know what children mean to the family, and especially his mom) I don't know what I'm afraid of. Without sounding too wierd, I feel that they may try to make up for it with this one. Sorry but these are my gut feelings, and as I tried to explain to my H last nite and probally shouldn't have, because it came out all wrong, and he now thinks I'm too confused.<BR>He also is completely unable to understand my feelings toward my upcoming pregnancy, that I'm scared of how I'm going to react to the baby and handle all of this. He seems to feel they are two different issues, and can't understand how my jealousy of his other baby could affect me so much toward my own. Lets just say that giving him a son was always a topic with me, and so important, and made me estatic when I found out we were having a boy. He always said he was destined to have only girls. (And I found out about the A by receiving court papers for child support) I told him that he has taken away the happiness of what was supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life, and his reply is that only I can take that away, that it's me that can't be happy. He says yes, he did create this situation, but only I can control my happiness.<BR>Sorry, I think I just needed to vent, because I feel that he just can't understand and in saying all I did last night, he has more fears about my ability to handle the baby and my other two kids. I know I can handle it, and give the proper care and I do love my unborn baby very much, but aren't I entitled to my feelings as well, without having to have an additional fear of him now doubting me because I voiced my feelings.? I have always felt that I can trust him with my thoughts and fears, and concerns, and now fear that he will hold what I expessed to him against me? I tried to explain that my feelings change on a minute to minute basis, but its almost like I have tainted the jury, he has heard the words, I have planted the doubt, and now have to live with it. Thanks for listening.<P>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited October 24, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited October 24, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited October 24, 2000).]

Hi not giving up Ive been thinking about you.Iam sorry to hear you are still in so much pain.So the baby should be here any day thats great. I just cant help feeling that your child is the first Grandson not the OW child. You have the family, you are the one that is bringing this child into the family. Her child was a mistake that she used to try to tear a family apart. I wish there was more I could say to help. Let us know when baby is here. Read the poem I posted for my friends the line Born in the sunshine, born in the light. I thought of your baby when I typed that line.With Love flowerseed

Not Giving Up,<BR>Best wishes to you and your family....your baby boy is almost here!!!! I understand you and how you are feeling but hon you have to change your mind! First and foremost this is YOUR first son that is a beautiful thing! This little boy was made out of love not under the ugliness that the OC was made. For your own sanity please separate them. And please stop thinking so far into the future, why don't you concentrate on Saturday or whatever day your baby is born. The only way to get through this is to live one day at a time, no one knows what tomorrow brings and you are driving yourself mad by forecasting the future. Your H says you and your Ds are the most important thing to him right now....listen to him and concentrate on today. I am wishing you the best. God bless you!

Thank you for the encouraging words. I'm trying to keep positive thoughts about all this. You all here do give me such strength!