H's contact with exow?She calls him frequently on his cell phone and at our business.When He doesn't answer his cell she calls the business phone,before and after hours.Her phone number is blocked from our house.My h leaves his cell in the truck at night to charge.We are getting along very well for the last 4 months.He is withdrawing from her more and more,but he can't seem to cut communication.If there is an emergency with their 1 year old daughter,she can call our office manager at home to call us.<P> I have been checking the office caller i.d. for the last week or so.It seems she has been calling almost everyday at the same time.Problem is he has been home a lot lately and doesn't answer his cellbecause he uses it for busisness also.I have talked to him about changing his cell number because he complains sooo much about the calls from her,but he never does anything about it.Help!

Blue,<P>My quess is (although you don't actually state it) is that this contact between H and OW bothers you.(and it should!) It certainly would bother me. Look, I'm no expert. Fortunately, my H and OW have NO contact at all and I'm very happy about that. I'll tell you like so many others have advised other people in your situation on here. The contact between your H and OW should be minimal if at all necessary and YOU should be privy and part of ALL CONTACTS. There should be NO "secret" conversations or meetings. That is how this whole mess started for all of us...secrets and private meetings. No more! If your H is involved with OC life and you've both mutually agreed to this, then that means YOU have to also be a part of this OC life if for no other reason than to make certain that there is NO illicit contact between your H and OW. If you've agreed to involvment with OC, then there is NO reason why you shouldn't be privy to ALL conversations. I'm not sure what your situation is exactly. We have no contact with OC and don't plan to. This was never something that I considered, nor my H. He didn't want it either, but he also knew that IF he had wanted involvement, that I'd leave and our marriage would be over. It's hard enough just staying married to him and living day in day out with that type of betrayal. But I'm trying very hard to make another go at it. Some days are good...but some days aren't. Anyway, back to you. Talk to your H. Tell him how you feel about the amount of contact with OW that he is having. You should set the rules about that "relationship"...not your H. If he's going to be involved with OC (sounds like he already is), then you have every right to be a part of it if you're going to stay married to your H. No more exclusion. I'd also tell OW to limit her phone calls to emergencies only! Or "absolutely need to know" information. Casual conversation between him and her is out. Make your presence known..or remind her (OW) that you're not just paint on the wall to be ignored. You're still his wife and you want the respect that they both so blatantly disregarded when H betrayed you. I hope I've been of some help to you. I know it's hard. We all know that kind of pain. I'll keep you in my prayers. <P>Comfort<P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

blue,<BR>I'm sorry you feel so ignored. Your post re: responses caught my eye. Perhaps you should know that this board was much more active until recently when a spat of OW posted and many wives chose to take a break from the board as it was upsetting to come here. I don't think anyone means to hurt/ignore you.<P>It sounds like your H is ready to let go (this is good!!) but won't risk a confrontation with the XOW. Maybe he is afraid of losing contact with OC; maybe he is a conflict avoider. It once helped me to go to affairs-help.com and look at the types of affairs possible to identify my H's. My H, like many, is a conflict-avoider type. I can trace his motivation for many things to this problem, which helps me understand him; he also understand now that avoiding is a problem and tries to do better. Only you can say if this is also your H, but it might help you too. <P>Either way, you have every right to expect better boundaries between your H and the XOW. In Dr. H's article about a wife who has a child by OM, he clearly advises that the hurt spouse or a third party be the go-between to arrange visitation (IF there is visitation) so that there is NO MORE CONTACT between the cheaters. On the other hand, if you feel it is your H's job to be accountable for handling the mess he's made and you don't think it's workable to be the go-between re:OC, I think that is okay, but you still have a right to demand less contact/better boundaries/no secrets! Ditto what Comfort said. When 'our' XOW kept emailing, I wrote her a letter spelling out exactly what our intentions toward OC are and that solo contact with my H is INAPPROPRIATE. It has helped some. But it would not have done any good if my H were to still be talking to her behind my back... the couple must be consistant and look like a TEAM! Talk with your H!! <P>If you read Dr.H's rules for marriage, they include honesty and a policy of joint agreement. That means neither H nor you should be doing something the other disagrees with until you can find a way to honestly agree upon it. My H and I have agreed that neither of us will contact the XOW without the other hearing or reading what is said first. I see everything that goes to the XOW and OC (we're long distance), am always there to seal and send it. If I ever find that H has gone back on that agreement, our marriage would probably be over.<P>Good luck and keep posting!<BR>Jenny, 2+ years into recovery--woohoo!

Sorry for not replying. I am usually on & off in sketchy increments of time.<P>I am in same boat & OW calls him on his cell. I have also asked for change of phone number, but I don't think it will happen. They also work together all day. Even the lawyer they saw on CS last week advised that situation STOP. She was appalled that they both still work together.<P>Do you have a lawyer? Can you get them to send a letter reinforcing that all communication come through the attorney? I mean, if this child is sick does she expect your H to come running? That is something we haven't worked out yet. It sounds like she is very destructive & is still trying to cause harm. Talk with your lawyer on what can be worked out. <P>Take care...

Blue...<P>I have found that weekends, especially on Sunday, are a little slower on this board than during the week. Many of us are off doing errands, chores, etc. I have found that weekends are a good time to catch up on the lastest postings if you haven't been able to read them during the week. I'm sure that no one deliberately ignored you, it's simply that many are not around. Please be patient, as you see, responses will come forth as people return to the boards during the week. As sad as this is to say, Welcome to this board...sorry you're here (like the rest of us) under such sad circumstances. Hope you'll find this board as helpful and comforting as I have. Take care and keep posting...and just as importantly, take time to read the other posts and responses...they can be very helpful!<P>Comfort<P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

In my opinion ALL unsupervised contact must end in order to rebuild your marriage.<BR>My situation is very different in that we have no contact w/ OW/OC. We pay court ordered support. They take out the $ before we even get his check. In a way I like that.<BR>Your H needs to see that avoiding conflict w/ the OW will only worsen the damage he has already done. He has to defend your marriage by breaking off all contact w/ her. You will have a hard time trusting him again if you think that anything takes priority over your marriage.<BR>What sort of stuff is she calling about? How much contact does he have with OC? Why are you scared to make him choose you and your family?<BR>You need to set up some rules of contact that YOU can live with. Until you make it uncomfortable for him to have that contact with her he will continue to do as he pleases.<BR>You are the victim and you get to say what you need to heal from this very traumatic situation.