How do I continue this way?Now that the oc is a year old ,I thoought my h and i would have some kind of visitation set up.But he says that the exow and i will never get along and it's too late.He also refuses to confront her about her accessive calling.He just leaves everything as is.I am starting to think that he wants to continue a relationship with her aside from co-parenting.Not anything sexual just friends.They are from the same country and have other things in common besides the language.H seems to be much happier at home,but I don't think that I can settle fro him being her friend.He just helped her build a website for one of her graduate classes w/out telling me.She has a boyfriend now for the past few months ,but she keeps relying on my husband.He has to be the one to stop this.I don't think he wants to.

I don't know... it sure sounds like he is playing some games here. You mention in other email that he says he can barely tolerate her, yet he builds her a web site? That doesn't add up. I really don't mean to be negative, but it just doesn't sound right.<P>We are about to set up visitation with OC and I have been unsure about what to do. But the more i think about it I beleive that I need to have OC over at our house and my two sons will have to know about this child. They are 6 & 7. I guess it would be less harmful now to find out about this child that 10 yrs from now. Who knows? But the OW has really had a fit about visitation with OC at our house. She wants my H to go over there. The way I see it, that is too harmful & disruptive to my family. What am I supposed to tell my boys? "Daddy is visiting friends" every two weeks? <P>I would hope that maybe your H would be more protective of you & your children, but it sure doesn't sound like it. If I allowed my H to see OW and still live here, he would DO IT! But he knows I am not going to put up with a lot of contact between the two of them. There is no way for complete healing in your marriage with that type of contact going on. Sorry.<P>Take care... Carolyn <BR>

Blue:<P>Do you believe your husband is committed to you and the marriage? <BR>If so, then bring him to this forum to read all of Dr. Harley's principles and buy the Harley books and to read and respond to the members here.<P>He must first understand the heartache and torment that you have been going through since his affair resulted in an OC.<P>The impact of his actions have changed your life forever and have caused you to feel rejected, isolated, alone and betrayed. It is up to him to help you heal and to repair the damage he has done.<P>His FIRST and foremost obligation and responsibility is to you and to your marriage. This must be his first priority above anyone and all else. Always.<P>He must forsake all others, especially the OW and never, ever have any contact with her whatsoever, under any circumstance. If there are child issues to deal with, they must come through a third party. If you get visitation, you must always accompany him to pick up and drop off the child. In fact, he should only have a relationship with the child if you are in complete agreement through the Harley Policy of Joint Agreement.<P>If your husband does NOT want a relationship with the OC, let it be. Don't push it. It isn't your problem or responsibility and trying to force the issue can only hurt you and your marriage. <P>Your husband must display to you his most sincere remorse in order to allow you to heal. He must also sever all ties with the OW and stop being her 'friend' on any and all levels, or he has no business being married to you or anyone else. If he continues to be her 'friend' and 'help her out' he will continue to destroy your home and more importantly, how you feel about yourself.<P>Sometimes we allow our spouses to do things we know in our hearts are dangerous to the marriage out of fear of them leaving us forever. When we are weak and frightened and are wounded from what they have done to us, at first we might abandon our sense of self and our dignity for a time to acquiesce to their desires in order to have a chance to heal the marriage. I know I did this for a short time, to my detriment. I allowed behavior I would not have ordinarily tolerated just to keep peace, just to keep him home.<P>When I had enough, I was willing to let him go and regained my self respect and suddenly, he respected me too and came home, heart and soul. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. <P>Regardless the outcome, it isn't worth it to sacrifice your core beliefs just to keep him home. Don't allow him to be friends with the woman who changed your life forever and ruined your marriage, don't allow him to continue to jeopardize your marriage. It's time for him to make a decision.<P>Catnip =^^=