K,<P>havn't posted in a while, though reading and learning when I'm in town.<P>if you don't remember, i had an affair, my H has been trying to accept OC and we have been mending the marriage to much success so far.<P>Now biggest question for him is he is very scared to go through birth and even another ultra sound with me. First one really broke him up and he had a very hard time for several days after it. We did talk quite a bit about it and I think the opening up and talking helped. <P>Even though "floored" had written me and my H directly, he has yet to feel comfortable with talking to anyone else about this and I think that he thinks it is a little weird that I talk to you all about our issues. He is still going to a counselor occasionally here. <P>I just wondered if you had any advise for me to help make him feel more at ease about things like the ultrasounds and the birthing class, in the delivery room, etc. We still have lots of time (march) but I really wish I could help him to feel better about anything at all.<P>Also, had an amnio 2 weeks ago, the age of the baby makes it much more likely that it is his baby. When he was with me and hear the date (age) of the baby, he said, this can't be right. I told him that it might have been his all along and he would never really discuss this. I also said that if we wanted to do a paternity test from the amnio we could. He though about it for a day or two, then really just never said. I've let him go on his course about that. I feared that he thought I slept with this man more than the once that it did happen. I've told him the truth from day one and it will never change, as it is the truth. It was once and I was so wrought with guilt and wanting to get our marriage back on track, not wanting to get into a long term affair that I never saw him again. He say's he believes me and I hope he really does. Not that I deserve for him to believe me yet, or again, or whatever. I am having better days with my guilt and self esteem, but it has been hard. I am very lucky to have such a caring and committed man.<P>Any help or advise is appreciated.<P>Positive

Postive Outlook,<P>I'm not K but just wanted to say hi. I also wanted to strongly recommend that you guys do the DNA testing. I think if it is possible that the baby is H's and you seem to think the timing is such that it might be, then it would greatly reduce the anxiety he is feeling and your are feeling.<P>I recall that it wasn't sure that V reversal had really failed and you know it only takes one of the those "little guys" to get there.<P>Just my opinion.<P>God Bless<P>JL

JL,<P>Thanks for your input and I much appreciate it! <P>I have suggested that we do have the DNA testing, however my H just doesn't seem to want to go ahead with it. considering, I need his blood, it isn't like I can go on my own and have the test run. I'm not sure if the lab would have kept any of the amnio fluid this long. <P>My H said at first yes he'd like to, then, said, let me talk to my counserlor again, then, as I stated before, just never visited the issue again.<P>I'm not sure if with the acceptance he has now that he thinks if it comes back that he isn't the bio dad then he'll have to go through all this "stuff" again, or not. Although we've discussed, he hasn't really said that, so I don't really know.<P>Do you really think I should push him to do it anyway. I really have left things like this completely up to him.<P>Thanks again & God Bless,<P>Positive

Positive,<P>I really don't know the answer. One one hand it would seem to me if it is looking more like he is the father, then him knowing that would lift a great weight from both of your shoulders. Another aspect, is that he may not be willing to give up his pain for these events.<P>I thought about suggesting that you ask him to do it if possible, because it would help you to know whose baby you are carrying. However, he might contrue that to mean that it makes a difference to you. It does I suspect, and since the OM was a one night stand, then there is no emotional attachment, but he may not be ready to grasp that.<P>Since I really don't know your current situation with H: Does he want to make this work? Is he handling the situation OK? Has He decided to raise this baby as his own no matter what? So many things you need to factor into this.<P>But I must say, if the chances that the baby is his are growing confirming it would seem to the benefit of all. I think it is something you two need to talk about in an honest non-LB fashion. He may have fears you are not aware of, if you get him to open up about them, then you will have a better idea of what the right course of action is.<P>Hopefully, K will be along to give you some really good advice, instead of my speculation.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hi Positive,<P>JL is underselling his excellent advice. There's really not a lot that you can do here, other than to be willing to talk with your husband, to change your behaviors to reassure him (meet needs, avoid lovebusters), and to make sure you're completely honest with him. You're doing all that, so you've taken responsibility for what you can do in this situation.<P>As JL suggests, I'd second the recommendation that you two sit down and discuss the pros and cons of paternity (dna) testing, as well as any concerns your husband has in being in the delivery room. He's never been in the delivery room before (right?), and that can be scary in it's own right.<P>I'd be happy to discuss any issues he has, although I'd prefer to keep it on the message boards here. I'm rooting for the two of you, and I think you're making good progress. Stay focused, and try to enjoy this pregnancy.<P>

JL & K

JL & K,<P>sorry, the last post just went in with nothing on it?? gremlins.<P>Yes, he is planning on raising this C with me if it is his or not. He is coping quite well and we are getting along great. He still has a bad day sometimes and we always talk about it.<P>Our counselor pointed out to him (and me) in one of our last joint sessions that my H would feel pain either way he went. Stay in the marriage or not. She pointed out that he had to decide which pain he wanted to deal with and still be true to him self and answer his own "moral" issues. Pain with me, to go through this and try to make a stronger marriage out of it, or pain without me and the loss of the marriage.<P>He has had 2 children before, K, but to answer your question, no, he wasn't in the delivery room then.<P>I appreciate your advise, both of you (K's right, JL, don't sell your self short!!) and will sit down and talk with him about it again and see what our options are from the the amnio they took a couple of weeks ago.<P>Thanks again.

Positive,<P>I would like to add one other thing. Don't discount the "normal" male trepidation about being a father. Yes, he has been a father before, but it doesn't necessarily remove the knowledge and expectation that having a baby in the house will change the dynamics of the family in ways that are not to his benefit.<P>Yeah, I know it sounds selfish, but he knows your focus will be on the child no matter what. He will move down the priority list. You on the other hand may not move down the priority list with him. This makes things a bit more complicated. <P>So in addition to all of the obvious issues in your current position and the issues that led to you having an affair, there are the more normal ones. In the complexity of your situation, some of the problems may be relatively normal with or without these added complications.<P>So don't overlook the obvious, when talking with him. His issues may not all be about what you think they are.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS. Thanks for your comments. They are appreciated. Still listen to K.