Hi,
My partner who I've been with for 5 years told me a few weeks ago that she wasn't happy in our relationship and she wanted to move out. She says she still loves me but she needs her own space and she wants indipendence. I've done everything that I probably shouldn't do in this situation. I try to talk to her about the situation and how we can improve our relationship and be back in love the way we used to be. She says she's not sure if she feels that right now. She also tells me she thinks about it every day and if she changes her mind I'd be the first to know.

She did agree to go to counseling with me and we did go. She told the counselor the same thing, that she loves me but she wants to be on her own. The counselor got her to agree to do Imago Therapy with me under the guise that it wouldn't necissarily be with the notion of saving the relationship, but that you "never know". She agreed so we'll be starting that next week.

This has been very difficult for me because I see what seems to be rays of hope nearly every day that she might change her mind and decide to work out our problems. For example, she started reading the basic concepts on this site and is working on filling out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. She's also been reading through Harville Hendrix's Getting The Love You Want book. However even with this I still can't get her to commit to working with me on our relationship.

Another source of confusion is the fact that we've had very passionate sex twice since she's told me this. I have not initiated this sex, she has..and it's been very good, as good as any we've had. Previous to her telling me this stuff we probably hadn't had sex for a 2 or 3 months. Each day after we had sex though she acted more withdrawn from me as if she really felt guilty for doing it. And she would cry a little during and after the sex but certainly didn't ask me to stop.

I guess one of my main problems is all the confusion. She's going to counseling, and reading these books, and she's had sex with me. We still sleep in the same bed and she lets me put my arms around her and even puts hers around me sometimes though it does seem to be a little more coldly than it used to be. I mean if she were just totally withdrawing from me it wouldn't make this any easier, but at least I wouldn't have this lingering hope that this can work out for us. I should probably stop talking to her so much about it, but how can I help it. She's reading this information and even asks me about it. I was thinking of writing her a good heartfelt letter about my feelings for her and how I'm totally comitted to making our relationship work, more committed than I've ever been to anything in my life. But everything I read tells me I shouldn't put that kind of pressure on her. But it's hard for me to simply not let her know exactly how I feel.

The thought that she's having either an EA or PA certainly has crossed my mind and I asked her about this and she denies it. I tend to believe her. She isn't showing any of the tell-tale signs like being out for longer hours or getting strange calls or being on the internet an inordinate amount of time. In fact, she seems to be home now more than usual. So all I can do is take her word for it.

Anyways, this is killing me because I know that the way we've dealt with things in our relationship at least on my end, have not always been good. I've certainly neglected her EN's for a long time, long enough to drain any life out of our relationship. I own up to that and take responsibility for it. I also realize this was before I knew what EN's were and I don't think she ever really effectively told me how to meet her EN's. Now that I know and I can see how to improve myself, and us as a couple, she's refusing to let me in and work on this with her. I'm pretty much torn apart. I can't concentrate at work and have a hard time sleeping. I love her more than anything and am willing to do everything in my power to make our relationship work. I tell her how I can restore her feelings for me if she just gives me a chance and trusts in me, and works with me. I tell her about how many couples there are that were in situations just like ours, and worse, that stuck it out and worked out their prolems to find out that when they work together, life, and their relationships can be more rewarding than they could've possibly imagined. And now we have the resources through counseling and through sites such as this to see where we went off course and steer ourselves back on. I try to encourage her that now is precisely not the time to throw in the towel...that I want to try everything we possibly can before we give up on this. She says she has been trying. I simply say that we haven't been trying in an educated manner, either of us. Now we have discovered some tools to help us try in a more educated manner. And if its worked for others it can work for us.

Anyways, since she's shown some interest in this site I'll probably pick up His Needs Her Needs today to see if she'll read that with me. I figure it can't hurt any...I'm willing to try anything. Hopefully she'll reassess her situation and realize what a good thing she already has if she's just willing to stick with it.

If anybody has any words of advice or simply encouragement I can use anything now. This feels beyond terrible.

One last thing, broken hearts suck.

<small>[ March 11, 2003, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: rj5974 ]</small>

rj,

I really feel for you, and I'm not trying to make you feel worse. But you say you are "committed" to making your relationship work. Yet you've been together five years and are still only 'partners.' Believe me, I'm not judging you, I'm living with a partner too, and struggling myself right now with whether or not my he and I should - or even want to - marry. I've given all the excuses myself, so I know what they are. But the fact is, since you aren't married, the depth of your "commitment" does come into question.

Have you read the information here about the "buyer vs. renter" mentality, and the other articles and questions about the mindset of those living together vs. being married? Reading that here was the first time I'd seen some of those ideas and I have to say they do make quite a bit of sense. Sure makes you see things some differently.

I guess what I'd ask is, have you, even unconsciously, wanted to leave that back door open? If you have, then your partner probably senses that, and that is really a LACK of commitment, *not* a determination to make it work. So then, you can't really blame her for backing out the door first, since you're the one who wants it open. Just a thought - I wonder what would happen if you were to sincerely propose to her ... I mean, really MAKE that commitment you say you have.

In any case, God bless you both. Love is rare, and I hope you are able to find it together again.

Byrd,
Thanks for your kind reply. You know, along with the 1000 other thoughts that have been racing through my head that did actually come up. We've actually discussed marriage in the past but it wasn't a big deal for either of us and we felt we didn't need it to solidify our commitment to each other. I haven't talked to her about it in a while though so maybe it's something that has started troubling her lately. I'll certainly ask. If it is I have no problems putting a ring on her finger I just never saw it as an issue. I don't wish to be judged for my religious beliefs regarding marriage in the eyes of god, but marriage is certainly a step up in commitment and maybe it would be worthwhile to find out if she thinks so. Even though she's never said anything about it since we last discussed it, who knows what she might be thinking. Again, I will certainly ask, and if it is a problem I have no problems at all marrying this girl. I'll keep you updated, thanks for the advice.

RJ