I just got off the phone with my sister after watching my H quickly fall asleep and I then started thinking about all of this, and BOOM the waterfalls started. My sister suggested I post after she calmed me out of my fit of tears. I really don't know what to say. I'm depressed and waiting to have this baby, now 8 days OVERdue.<BR>Let me give a little backround, old and new. I haven't posted in a while. Old:My H had a 4 mth A he ended over a year ago, she had his son in May '00, I found out thru the mail when she asked for child support.I had no clue of the A, and was 5 1/2 mths pregnant. New:I wanted desperately to have a 3rd baby with him(actually wanted 7-9 kids! but being reasonable!!!!)Anyway, when he FINALLY agreed to try, and then I found out I was pregnant, I was elated, (yet little did I know he had just found out about HER bundle of joy). In May I found out it was a boy,(he always said he was destined to have girls)I was on cloud nine. He had just found out a week before that she had a boy. I WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE HIM HIS FIRST SON! Instead, a person with whom he says he had no emotional attachment with has done this, AND named him one of the names we had picked out with my first pregnancy 5 years ago...Imagine that!<BR>Here I sit waiting for the birth of our baby boy, crying my eyes out in front of a computer screen on a forum for infidelity and spouses having children with "OW", and I sit in shock.<BR>I sit here hounded by and really trying to deal with the "normal" questions of "How could he have had an A?" and "How could he have replaced me?" ect...ect...and then also, how could he have gotten her pregnant? HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING TO ME NOW? This is not how I wanted my last pregnancy to be. And I could have this baby at any time and feel I'm not emotionally ready for this. <BR>We have talked about this, and my H says he realizes he hurt me and what he did was stupid, and HOORAY FOR HIM!...he wants to work it out...(sorry for the sarcasim) but then also says that he can't understand why all this has affected me in that I can't be happy in the birth of our baby, or why I couldn't set the room up(sisters to the rescue again!Picked out the curtains and hung them, folded the clothes...) He can't understand my saddness in all this, and why thoughts of her and the OC could cloud my sunny days so much. He even once said that he is afraid of how I am feeling and he asked if he should be worried if I will be able to care for the baby and handle our other two girls. I NEVER said to have had or do have negative feelings toward the baby(I do feel love for my baby), but was trying to be honest when confiding my feelings of saddness and hurt in that he took all this away, when he knew how important it was to me, all for such a selfish act. Why can't he understand this, or is it not normal to feel this way?<BR>You know, we haven't even picked out a name yet? One conversation, about a month ago went something like...me:"Do you ever think about the baby?"...him"Yeah, like what we are going to name him."...me:"I wasn't talking about our baby." That conversation landed in the middle of the bedsheets like a nuclear bomb, and the silence was deafening.<BR>Anyway, now I'm rambling, and I do apologize, but it does help to pound it out on the keyboard. I will stop now, I'm emotionally spent, and actually feel as if I could fall asleep even faster that he did tonite. Thanks for listening....<P>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited November 06, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited November 06, 2000).]

Dear NGU<P>I am very sorry and concerned for you. I was also pregnant when my WS had an A. I pray that you keep focussed on your wonderful sisters and baby and children and God. Try to leave your H's inane emotions out of this for a while if you feel unable to deal with them.<P>Do not let anyone take away the joy of having the gift of a lovely son. In a blessed way, I think God could have given you a son soon after the horrid OW had one so that you have one for your H and yourself (can you imagine the greater jealousy if the situation were different?). You can pray and learn how to listen to God's voice so that the 'shephard can lead you out of this wilderness of pain and uncertainty and rejection'. I would see your baby as a focus for you to pour your love to at a time when you are unable to love your WS.<P>I know little of what anyone says can alleviate the anguish but the actions, support and love of others can help us feel accepted and loved in other ways. Your H did the ultimate betrayal and stabbed twice in the same heart with the OC thing. You need to slowly recover from that. You need to be strong so that your baby boy will be welcomed into this world in a positive and happy manner. ACCEPT your very own son and embrace him with all your heart because he is a godsend. Isn't it better that you also have a SON? <P>When things go so insanely wrong and unthinkably painful, bend your knees to help bear the burdens. I find that is often how I stay strong to nurture those that God has entrusted to me. The remedy for rejection is found in God's acceptance of us while we were sinners. His continued Love for us is far more embracing than mortal man's. I know I have little to comfort you with, and I am not sure if you would like me to pray for you (I am a Christian).<P>I want you to know that you can be a strong person 50% of the time and the other 50% or so of the time, you can sob your heart and feelings out to God; give it up to Him when we can't take the torment anymore.<P>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>weep

NGU,<BR>My heart goes out to you! I was 8mo pregnant when my H confessed, and the OC was born in the same month as mine. My aunt also had her third pregnancy while dealing with her husband getting TWO other women pregnant at that time...as horrible as it is, you are not alone or weird. You bring up so many thoughts in me; I don't know which of mine might be of any help to you, but here they are.<P>It sounds as though you really need to talk more, like you do not feel your H has really heard or validated your feelings. Your struggle to process this monumental event has overshadowed everything in your life, including your new baby, and I think you want validation for it--I did too. I think it is pretty typical for your H to be able to "turn off" thoughts of the XOW's child; the fact he wants to concentrate on his family with you is the best sign. It's not unusual for him to not want to discuss what he's done, either. I think you're both on a typical course here. Have you had any counseling, separate or together? Have you gotten any of the marriage recovery books? I couldn't have made it without both.<P>I really resented the affair-ees for "taking that [happiness]away from me" during the end of my pregnancy/birth. However, I also made efforts to create some happy memories/feelings surrounding my birth and my baby. I don't want ALL my memories of my baby sullied by anger at the affair, and I bet deep down you don't either!! <P>Do you want to hold onto the pain to "show them" how much they hurt you? I did! What power! It has taken me 2 years to honestly get to the point where I can ACT on knowing I don't want to let that resentment RULE my LIFE!! I loved the recent post which shared: "Forgiveness is letting go of my need to hurt you for hurting me". I cannot stand to live another moment hurting MYSELF with it, either!<P>I'm not surprised that you are overdue; mammals need to feel emotionally and physically safe to really "let go" to birth. Look at any alley cat or bear who holes up in a den or secluded corner, or the dolphin who allows only one other female dolphin to be near her at the time of birth. What do you need to say or grieve before you can move on and make room for your baby? How can you feel safe? Only you know the answer.<P>Meditation, journaling, and friends(sisters?) and counselors strike me as things you could benefit from NOW. You won't have much time after the little one arrives. I hope you're being extra nice to yourself, under the stress. It may sound funny but GRATITUDE helps too!! When I journaled before and after my birth, I made sure not only to vent about the affair, but to also note what I was grateful for, like helpful friends, a healthy pregnancy/baby, my other child, not having to see the XOW, etc.<P>It's easy to think we have it bad, because WE DO! But believe it or not, it can be worse. We could be the Wife who lost her pregnancy at 7 months, whose H's XOW wrote this board to complain about giving birth to his baby! Meanwhile, the Wife no doubt cries nightly over why, in God' name, "that woman" is having his baby when hers DIED!! My baby was born after 3 losses (one of them full-term), so I know that devastation. Or think of catnip and others who for various reasons cannot have ANY bio-baby with their H, yet must endure another woman doing it. Or the women who have written Marriagebuilders pregnant and LOSE their H's to the OW! Wow! I know you are disappointed at the boy thing and you have every right to be, but there are worse things, too... Do you hear of them and think: thank goodness THAT isn't me? <P>What I'm trying to say is:<P>Grieve because you have to, but don't lose sight that while your cup is half-empty, it is also half-full. <BR> <BR>Peace and blessings on you and your family!<BR>Jenny, 2 years into recovery-woohoo!

Thanks for the replys. I really didn't even remember what I posted last night, I was so emotional, going from crying to anger in a matter of typing those feelings.<BR>Weep: I am doing all I can to find happiness in the birth of my precious baby, I wanted this sooo much. That is the problem, I waited so long for him to be ready to try again, and wanted to give him a son so badly. It all fell into place and he desroyed that with one selfish act of self gratification. I believe those who say that you can work and get the trust back and get thru the betrayal and hurt, and anger, but in my heart right now, he can never make up for what the A resulted in regarding the baby. How could he have been so stupid not to use protection. We even had conversations about that! Anyway I ramble on...I am a Catholic,(although not practicing) and would welcome all prayers.<BR>Jenny:Thank you too for your thoughts. You are very right in that I am allowing them to take this away from me, it's just that I will be reminded of this monthly(of the OC) and what he did. But yes, I need to try to take control of my happiness again. I'm just emotionally drained and don't let go of things well.Also you are right, People do have situations worse. I read other posts and my heart goes out to them, and they are an inspiration to me. The fact that they have been able to survive is truly inspiring to me. Sometimes I don't think I could handle thier situations, but it gives me hope that I may be strong enough.<BR>I will keep everyone posted on the baby. Countdown is 9 days overdue.<BR>

NGU,<BR>As I read of your pain I thought of other women who wanted to give their H's a son.<BR>Hannah and Sarah in the Bible. They both felt angry and helpless. In the end God blessed them and their sons. (He didn't bless the OW sons)<BR>God, who gave you this precious little boy will also give you strength. He will also bless you in all you do if you let Him.<BR>

NGU, I am just so sorry for all the pain when there should be only joy. There will never be answers to all those terrible questions that keep running through your mind. What your H did was just stupid, same as all the other WS who do these terribly cruel things. They just don't really see what they are doing as bad or potentially harmful until such horrible damage is done.<P>I hope & pray that you will be so filled up with joy with this baby that all the other stuff gets ran out. Please, please do not let these terrible thoughts take away what joy you should have. And you can have it. Just try to put all the bad stuff out of your head. Your H was just stupid, not eveil. I am sure he is horrified at what he has done. He is most likely unable to really discuss since he knows it is all because of his actions. <P>Yes, we all find ourselves in the most ridiculous situations. I could imagine how you feel, pregnant & typing away on this forum. Who in the world would dream up a scenerio like that? The soap operas don't even get that bizzare! I told one friend that the day my H asked me if he could go be in the delivery room with the OW that I figured I had heard it all! Talk about sentences you NEVER think you will hear in your life time! <P>Please try & enjoy the little time you have left in this pregnancy. I loved both my pregnancies so much. I am jealous of every pregnant tummy! Those little feet rolling around kicking your bladder. Well, maybe some of it was yucky.<P>Please laugh & love. I will pray for a great delivery. And that little boy is going to consume you. Take care... Carolyn

NGU,<P>Don't ever forget that your baby is your H's first son born into a real family. This is a son that he will spend quality time with and will bond with as part of your family. He is and always will be your H's "first son".<P>That saying is so true - that "many can give life, but only a few can be fathers". Your H was a sperm donor for the OC. He is a father for your child.<P>I spent my last pregnancy crying and grieving over the birth of the OC and the fact that she had a middle name that I picked out for my daughter (been there and boy does it hurt...) My H was happy and excited about our baby and I could not believe that his caring was real after what he had put us through!<P>Well, I have now come to understand the words that I spoke in the opening paragraph of this post. Our daughter is a perfect gift from God born out of the love that we share. She is not simply the result of a biological act, and being part of a family makes all the difference in the world.<P>The XOW in my life is GREEN with envy because she could not take away the joy that my H and I shared over our baby girl and she could not take my H.<P>You are in a much stronger position now, NGU, because if your H had any of those typical male feelings about having a "son", he does not have to act on those feelings with the OW because he has a son witht he woman that he loves and has dedicated his life to.<P>Use the new life inside you to cleanse your heart and spirit and bond you tighter than ever to your H. Make the final preparations, share your joy with your H and let him share his with you -- I think you will be surprised that he only has one son on his mind right now.<P>Good luck, NGU, we are all praying for you. Have your baby, count those beautiful fingers and toes and bask in the warmth of God's goodness that allowed you to have your son and complete your family.<P>Blessings to you,<BR>- Heavenly

Thank you all for your replies. I really need the support right now. Today I woke up and my H asked me why I looked as if I was in pain. I said it had nothing to do with labor, I'm just so tired of waking up and instantaneously(sp?) thinking about not only the OC but all the other "stuff(for lack of typing a better word). I don't even get a chance to focus in the morning. In my mind I either wake up with thoughts/visions of her, OC, the affair, the feelings consuming me....and I'm keeping it all inside.I don't talk to him, therapy has been stopped because I don't like the therapist and I don't feel able to go. I hope to find someone else after the baby is born.<BR>Lady girl 75:Thank you for the help. Unfortunately God did bless OW with a son. I can't comprhend why.<BR>Taking care: I can't believe your H asked to be in the delivery room with OW!!!! I too love being pregnant, all the feelings of movement, (even the yicky ones!) and my H single handedly took all that away by putting me where I was 7 years ago, in a depression.(Somewhere I thought I wouldn't be again. Now I look forward to having the baby so I can get on the meds again.)<BR>Heavenlybody26:I have no idea how XOW feels. We are just paying the CS now. It kills me to think that she may be missing and needing him as much as I miss our how our life was and the feelings I had for my H before discovery. He says he has no contact with her and wants to concentrate on us right now, but I dread the day he says he wants to be involved with OC.Does your H have contact? Also one other thing...You said that my H was a sperm donor to OW and had a son with the woman he loves and has dedicated his life to. Right now, with what he has done, I can't believe that to be true. He became no longer dedicated to me the moment he slept with her, and I'd feel this way even if he didn't get her pregnant. I think that is my bitterness coming out, and I expected to be a little further along being 4 months past d-day. I'm still stuck in the "I can't believe this is happening to me." phase, and unfortunately am keeping it all inside and doing exactly what my h has asked me to not do, and that is to shut him out. I know he wants to help me and I'm not letting him in.<BR>I'm rambling again...I guess it shows that I'm not talking to anyone right now. Thanks for putting up with it.<P><BR>

NGU:<P>Don't be so hard on yourself. I am two years past D-day and I STILL occasionally have those days when I am stuck in those "I can't believe this is happeneing to me" phases. It's normal, we all have them from time to time. The good news is that the episodes grow farther and fewer between as time goes on.<P>Once your son is born, you and your husband will be so busy with this child you will have no time to ruminate about the OW/OC. I will pray that your new son brings you both so much joy that the other situation will loose its importance. But most of all, I will pray you will have a healthy beautiful son that draws you and your husband closer than ever before and that you will allow your husband to care for you, and allow joy into your heart.<P>I know you are hurt and angry and deeply saddened by what has happened, but I hope you will not be tempted to punish your husband. I hope you will make this upcoming birth an opportunity to bring you together again.<P>Did you chose a name?<P>Catnip =^^=<P><p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited November 08, 2000).]

Gosh, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. My situation differs in the sense that there is not another child involved but I was 4 months pregnant with our second child when I found out about my H and his "old friend" Then when I was told that it had stopped, it ofcourse had not. Heck I don't even believe now for one second that they don't talk. All I know is what a bad time to pick up with someone else while I am pregnant. It did make me realize that I don't know my husband and he obviously just thinks about himself and I will not subject my children to it at all. My daughter is due to arrive in 3 weeks and I plan on leaving next year when I can get myself together. After I found the emails from this girl and her having the nerve to say that my H will think of her all the time when he is putting bows in his little girl's hair. It makes me sick. Who does she think she is. This ofcourse is nothing compared to what happened to you but remember that your children are the most important people in your life and you need to be the best mommy you can be. DOn't let him take away the greatest gift..your child. I refuse to. No matter what, your child will look to you forever. Your husband will pay the price in the future. I truly believe that what goes around comes around. Just always be true to yourself. Oh, yeh...aren't sisters wonderful. Thank God for immediate family.<p>[This message has been edited by peyton (edited November 15, 2000).]