<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by heavenlybody26:<P>But his misery is not nearly as severe as mine. Largely because he has ME to take care of him and to make him feel better. Meanwhile, who takes care of me? [/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Heavenlybody26- This is one of the most insightful things I have read. It hit me like a brick, a missing piece of the puzzle. Something I couldn't put my finger on until you wrote it. It is so true it hurts. WS has the affair, hurts us (me) and we (I) help them recover, and feel better about themselves. Somewhere, our feelings and ourselves get lost in the shuffle again, just like they did when the actual A was taking place. We pay and sacrifice twice. That is the ultimate price of the betrayal, we feel the pain, the loss, the betrayal, the humiliation, and in return...we help WS over come it. No wonder my WS has done it so many times. No wonder. I read yours and Weeps replies on an A of your own. My thoughts your words. But, I am not strong like you two, I no longer see a reason not too. I hurt, I want someone there to fix it for me, just like he has, someone to pick me up when I am down, to carry me when I am to tired to walk. I know that I should leave this to god, I tried that, I prayed, and prayed, yes, I know I prayed very selfish prayer, and I think I have heard that he don't answer those. I am almost sure he don't because what did I get? Not peace, or I don't know the word, peace of mind? I get an illness, and a hospital visit, and plague for a life time..diabetes..how is this fair, how can this be right? I don't understand. Why? Can someone see a light at the end of the tunnel in this one? I mean I try, I think I have even wrote it in a post, the bright side, but its a big fat lie that I want to tell myself, so I tell others..that there is a bright side to any of this..pardon me but..crap. I am sorry, If I sound like a big bawl baby and that I am coming off feeling sorry for myself, but I am one, right now, and I do feel that way. But it does feel better to let it out, instead of playing that I am so strong. Thanks for listening, I really got on a roll there.<P>Noodles <p>[This message has been edited by noodles (edited November 06, 2000).]

Noodles,<P>I just read your post, and all I have to say is, please don't!! I did, and it didn't make anything better. My feelings, or the marriage. Of course, in our case, there was no oc involved at the time. We have been through a lot, but now will be reminded of both of our infidelities for the rest of our lives. I guess that the 1st time(just to get back at him) made it easier for the 2nd time, which has resulted in my pregnancy. If you haven't read it, our story is a post from me entitled "Our full situation, fyi". We do not plan on having any contact with OM due to his aggressive nature, and threats towards my H, and my H has said that he plans to raise this child (a girl) as his own. But like I said before, it doesn't make you feel any better, in fact, then YOU have something to hide, and that can be a huge LB. Sorry if I got long winded, but from someone who has been there and done that, I highly recommend you re-think actually going through with it. I don't want someone to make the same mistakes that I have!!<P>I hope my insight has helped, even if just a little to make you think and not act. I'm not in your position, with H having the OC, but I know the feelings of betrayal, and betraying back is not the answer. Also, sometimes, He does answer those selfish prayers. I will be praying for your strength in this matter for your heart.<P>Tigger

Noodles,<P>I have found that we all pick up little pieces to our individual puzzles from all of the betrayed spouses on this board. I am glad that I was able to fill in one piece in yours, but I feel such compassion for the sadness that you are feeling.<P>We do make it easy for them. We forgive them (or at least pretend we do) and we care for them because the betrayed spouse tends to be the one that gives the most. Sometimes I would like to throttle my beloved H because it looks (at least from the outside) like his life is back to normal meanwhile I am being tortured day in and day out with thoughts of him with the OW and the OC.<P>The books and the counsellors try to tell us that we should use this bad situation as a learning experience to make changes in our life. Well, I liked my old life just fine and I sure has h**l would have chosen a better way to "explore" my relationship than having my H father a child with an OW!<BR>I agree with you completely, the whole situation is cruddy and I don't see any "up" side to it!<P>Tigger,<P>I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story at such a timely point. I must say that now with a cooler head looking at the situation, two wrongs never did and still don't make a right.<P>As much as I would like to run from this situation, having an A would only add to the problems and to the confusion. And, surprisingly, as Weep said, I don't believe that my H would put with it for a moment -- I think he would leave in a hurry if he thought that he was sharing me with another man.<P>Thank you especially for reminding me of the possibility of getting pregnant by an OM. That must be a truly traumatic experience for you and your H. I get to run from the A and OC problem occasionally but you have to live with it every moment.<P>Enough said, you have convinced me that an A is not the answer. And, I pray that things will work out for you and your H and child. You are a very lucky woman to have a spouse who is so much in love with you and is willing to raise the baby as his own.<P>God bless.<BR>- Heavenly

tigger4jdt-<P>Thank you also for sharing your story it made me stop and think. This may sound awful, but, I wish my new baby wasn't my H. I gave him 4 beautiful children, and he gave me what? This? My H has had many affairs, many... I always had this one small thing, I was the one that had his children, now ow/h took that away. I hate that. I just want my dignitiy back!!!!! Know what I mean. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but something has got to give. I guess it will be me.. Thank you for sharing your story again, it really does shed a new light on things. <P>Heavenly-<BR>This sadness or should I say trigger, was brought on by me going into our local cafe, and listening to a group of women, basically, making fun of me, where I could hear it. I am the dumb one..I am the stupid one, oh they would never let this happen to them. I said that so many times before I had a H who I knew cheated. I hate the fact that everyone in this small town I live in knows..and feels sorry for me, oh that poor girl ..what next. I don't want people thinking I am dumb, or blind. I think if I was to have an A, that would be why, not for sex but to regain my pride, so they couldn't say "I can not believe she lets him do that".. I don't actually think I ever could, but d!#$ it sometimes I feel like I should. My H would go nuts, he's so possesive it's crazy. We don't even go out because he get so jealous, always has, what's up with that? He has the A, and I am the one who has to account for my every move. This is insainity. Does anyone ever just give up? Say enoughs, enough? I love my H, but I am not sure my H and this man who lives with me are the same man!<P>Noodles

noodles, I did give up twice. I got pregnate when I was 14 years old got married to a cheater and wife beater 2 kids later divorced. 2nd marriage 12 years again to a cheater and wife beater. 1 child this time I can at least say this one dosnt beat me, It is alot easier to walk away then it is to stay he has changed 75% I think! It is very hard on kids when there parents divorce it really screws them up so I will stick this one out as long as I keep seeing possitive changes. If he chooses to hurt me again I will be gone, but one of the 1st things I would do is get some type of counsiling for my child the last thing I want to do is mess up another kid. It is real easy for people that have not been hurt to say how can you put up with it. Hopefully they never have to. I used to have to tell myself alot, (you get what you put up with) I dont put up with no more. It took me 38 years to figure that out. I guess what Iam trying to say is youre not putting up with it your dealing with it to save your family. If we dont get to the bottom of why these things happen they will just keep happening does that make any sense. Hang in there with love flowerseed

flowerseed-<BR>I guess what I am looking for is exactly when do we say enough is enough, when should we draw the line? Sometimes, I feel as though, I get so lost in the effort to save my marriage, I forget about me, and end up lossing me, and then other times I think, just one more time. To stay togeather, would be the best for all involved (with the exception of OW) me, the 4 kids, and him. I hope my questions are paving the road to my recovery. Thanks for the insight.<P>Noodles