I cheated on my husband and confessed. We want to try to get through it but he keeps backsliding. He will take me out to a nice lunch or dinner and immediataly after we are done eating and in the car he brings it up again. It is like going up in a hot air balloon and seeing the scenery and somebody fires a shot at your balloon. I just get to thinking that we are on the right path and BAM somebody covers the path with rubble. I understand that it is going to take some time for him but is it healthy for him to keep asking almost perverted questions? I would love NOTHING more than to just forget this ever happened, and I know he would like that too, but everytime I turn around it kicks me in my [censored] all over again.Can ANYONE PLEASE HELP!!! :

Luv --

Welcome to MB. I see you're pretty much a newcomer and I'm sorry that no one has responded to your post. This Forum (Other Topics) doesn't get much action and I'd like to see others get involved in this. Would you consider moving this over to a more-active Forum? Try General Questions II (the most active) or Emotional Needs.

"I would love NOTHING more than to just forget this ever happened" -- Sorry, it just ain't gonna work that way! Your H's life and security and indeed his very relationship with you has been rocked, earthquaked, undermined; recovery and his healing will take a long time and much patience on both your parts.

Your A has shattered his trust in you and in your marriage in the most violent way possible. It's an open wound, raw and hurting, and as with any wound, proper care with solid medication and bandaging is the only method by which rehabilitation and restoration will be possible. Even then, it's a tough road with lots of ups and downs.

Sure, it's uncomfortable for you to see his continued pain and feel his mood swings, but that's all part of the process. He's got to work through this on his own timetable. You can help immensely by providing whatever information and details he needs. Your confession to him was a great starting point, believe it or not.

Indeed, you ARE on the right path but don't expect this to work itself out in the near future. The "rubble" you're encountering is also a part of the process, even a necessary part, so expect more of it. This is fixable but it must take its time and run its course.

Please post again and let us know how you're doing. I'll check back here and on those other Forums to see how things are going for you. We're here for you, luv...

Ammon

Dear Luv,
YOu may wish to ask your husband what you could do to help him heal. Even though you apologized, it may not be enough. Only he knows what kind of actions on your part will help the healing process. Try to get it out of him. He may feel you haven't suffered enough for the pain that he feels. What would it take for him to forgive you?
All the best,
Mengott

He will never be able to forget this happened. Many things are triggers that remind him. He has to go through this painful process of adjusting his understanding and feelings about so many things.It would cause him further distress to have his questions unanswered.

You're not supposed to have private things between you and someone else. That's a large part of the sense of betrayal. You two are supposed to be the ones who know things others do not. You need to tell him everything he wants to know to reestablish this. There needs to be a window into the affair for him to look through and a door on the marriage others cannot enter. (I read this concept somewhere, here? Sorry I can't note where properly.)

If he is still suffering as a consequence of your actions, why should you escape the fallout?

That's just simple fairness. People are SUPPOSED to feel bad when they do wrong and hurt people. Its a large part of what discourages repeating the same mistakes and offences. To learn from mistakes, one must not forget them or their results.

Everyone has heard the expression about past mistakes, "And (s)he never let me forget it."
While it is cruel and unforgiving to use any excuse to "throw it in their face" sometimes people need reminding. If you refuse to take your past into consideration, and respond to your spouse's more frequent questions regarding your whereabouts and such, with an inapropriate indignant air of offence; you will need to be reminded!

But if you do not attempt to forget and escape such consequences, and instead treat your spouse with patience, tenderness and understanding; there will be a lot less need to point out your past errors.