I thought my W was doing good, but when I asked her if she had talked to OM, she said that she did last night. I thought I was over the feelings I felt at that moment, but obviously the gut wrenching pain returned with a vengence. I asked her why she did it and she said "because I wanted to." After a few LB's she told me that she just didn't think that things were going to work out with us. She said that she couldn't see anything but her causing me more pain in the future. I know that I drug the conversation on way too long, but I was trying to see if she really wanted to try and make our marriage work...but I never saw any desire. I guess I just need some words of encouragement right now. Does this contact mean we start all over, even though she says she is not in love with OM? She says that she can't fathom that I would want to raise someone elses baby. She said that she couldn't ever do that. I am leaving for 2 weeks..starting tomorrow, so maybe this will give her some time to think. Especially since she will be in our house with our two kids for the first time since the end of August. Any suggestions as to what I should do would be appreciated. She doesn't even have the desire to want to work on our marriage. I'm so frustrated!!

Dear Floored,<P>I am very sorry to hear about this but I think your wife is overcome with guilt and need to be reassured that you really want and love her despite the wrong she had done you.<P>I think you can write her a letter for her to ponder over when you are away those two weeks. You can tell her your true feelings as well as the fact that her continued presence and involvement as a mother to both your two children would be a wonderful and much needed aspect in yours and the children's lives, etc..<P>This is not new because some women cannot accept that the men would love them as much when they have gone astray, mainly because of societal and gender norms. <P>I hope you are better today. <P>God bless and help you<BR>weep

Floored:<P>A suggestion: Keep up with the Plan A approach. Don't expect any miraculous results, especially with continued contact. You're missing a major point in this right now: there IS NO WAY THAT YOU'LL SEE YOUR WIFE WANTING TO MAKE THE MARRIAGE WORK right now. It's too early.<P>If she says that there's no way that she can see the two of you working out, then ask her "why?" (just like a four-year-old). If she comes up with legitimate issues (lovebusters, needs you're not meeting), then take note and do something concrete to address them. If she gives the more typical answer of her not loving you, and that she'll never be able to---just let her know that you love her and are willing to do what you can to help her fall back in love. And then drop it.<P>The contact will be a set-back. But it's likely that you're wife is going to have to hit bottom before she realizes that this contact is bad for her. You're just along for the ride---try to keep your emotions as level as possible.<P>Why are you leaving for two weeks? Job-related? Don't be pulling a temporary separation at this point---it's probably not in the best interest of your marriage.

Weep and K,<BR>Thanks for the suggestions. K, I am leaving for a job related reason. Do you think that is not a good idea? I may be able to cut it a few days short. When W and I talked last night, I told her that I appreciated her honesty and did let her know that I loved her. What will make her hit rock bottom? If I were in her shoes, I feel like I would have already been on the floor and possibly under the foundation! I will leave her a short letter confirming my feelings. I appreciate the insight you all have with what I can expect from my W, it helps so much with my attitude. God bless you.<BR>Floored

K,<BR>Regarding the temporary separation, I don't know if you remember, but my W and I are separated right now. She says that it would be easy for her to come back, but that she knew she would be right back in the same situation..unhappy..in about 6 mos. How can you convince someone that they can't figure out the right thing to do without professional help. She thinks that if she takes time to think about our situation, that somehow,"magically", the answer will come. I get so frustrated when she talks like that. It makes me want to LB right up side her head!! Not literally!<BR>Floored

This may be a really dumb idea in the light of the seriousness of your situation and the sound advice you have already received, however, speaking from experience, I can tell you a couple things that will make impact.<P>While you are out of town, have flowers delivered along with a card saying something like this:<P>"I have spent a great deal of time lately reminiscing about our years together. Looking back, I remember the special times we've shared; I remember seeing your soul in your eyes the day we were married, and the wonders of our child being born and the closeness we felt when _______. As long as I live you will be my heart, you'll always be a part of me. I loved you then, I love you now and I will love you always."<P>Fill in the blanks, elaborate.<P>When my husband was on the fence as to whether or not he would continue with OW or come home to me, I wrote him a letter and left it in his truck (power of the printed word) before he left for his final weekend with her. <P>While he was gone, he read the letter. I received a phone call from him while he was in Texas with OW, all choked up and telling me "we have to talk" and "I want to fix this". <P>My letter catalogued all the wonderful things about us and our marraige and our years together. The impact was remarkable. I reminded him of and thanked him for the anniversary when he made reservations at a wonderful restaurant and had a huge bouquet of flowers with a small vervet box with ruby earrings waiting for me. I reminisced how I was so in love with him that I couldn't wait for him to get home from work, so I jumped in the old Chrysler and waited for him at the top of the hill between our house and where he was working. I'll never forget the look on his face when he saw me waiting for him...or the feelings that evokes even now for both of us.<P>Bringing back these special times and special feelings can reawaken these deep, deep feelings. <BR>My husband was so caught up in his illness that I somehow was lost to him. I know that if I never would have reached out to him and reminded him of 'us', today he would be living in NY with the OW and missing me the rest of his life. He thinks he would have come out of the fog and been so horrified that he threw mw away for nothing he would have done something desperate.<P>Pour your heart out, Floored. Tell her how you feel...you have nothing to loose.<P>Catnip =^^=

floored,<P><BR> I don't know who K is, but he should be a licensed psycotherapist!<BR>Your wife is the last place to look for comfort right now. That's why this place exists! <BR> Your wife is unable to THINK right now, most of her conversation will consist of an outpouring of feelings, possibly long repressed feelings, and the convoluted logic?! of a person in great emotional turmoil. Listen to what she feels, and not what she says.<BR> This process is measured in months, possibly years( or as long as your love for her endures.) <BR> One thing I have learned in my ordeal ( I know, it is an ordeal!!), is PATIENCE! It will not change overnight. It will wax and wane, ebb and flow.<BR> Give yourself a window of time, six, eight months, whatever, and in that time frame, do the best plan A you can. Don't be swayed or influenced by what she says, or what might happen. At the end of your time frame, THEN look with an objective eye under the light of reality to determine if you've made progress, and then decide if you <BR>wish to go further. You can't make long term decisions based on short term results!!<P> Good luck, my friend, God bless you, <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Dear floored,<P><BR> My ADD is showing. Cat made an excellent point, keep you and your plan A on her mind, frequent contact, short duration while you're away!<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg