H left 5 months ago. We have remained in contact. Just found out that the OW is 4 months pregnant and supposedly my H is the father. He wants to do the responsible thing as far as the child is concerned, but no longer has a relationship w/ the OW. He has apologized to me, says he loves me and wishes we could work things out. He is sorry for all the mistakes he has made in the last 5 months, but doesn't know how to make things better. I feel torn!! On one hand I am ANGRY and I feel betrayed and humiliated and I'm not sure if I have the strength to deal w/ the OW for the rest of my life. But on the other hand, I love my husband, I want to forgive him and I want to save my marriage. I am very confused and not sure which way to turn. If anyone has been through something similar or has any advice I would REALLY appreciate it!

I am so sorry that you have to be here. Yes, there are a lot of us here in this little group. We are all in similar circumstances.<P>What were you doing to repair your marriage prior to getting this news? Are you reading any material? Were you in counseling? I guess I am presuming you knew about OW prior to now. Was she why your H left & are they living together? So much of what I would tell you is dependant upon the circumstances you are in.<P>My H had affair & now has a 3 mth old daughter. We have two sons, 6 & 7. It is all a mess, but you can live through it. The OC makes it just so much more difficult. I think you can deal with it if your H breaks contact from OW. A lot of it depends upon him & how he handles this. It definately makes it easier (in my opinion). <P>Please post & let us know what is going on. I think you will gain some good insight here. I know I have. <P>Take care...

Thank you for replying, I need all the help I can get! Yes I did know about the OW prior to finding out about the pregnancy. My H & I have started talking about our feelings and thoughts and the reasons for our seperation. We are finally having some meaningful conversations and realizing why we had a breakdown in the first place. I don't believe the OW is the reason he left, but I believe she had an influence in his final decision before moving out. No, my H and the OW are not living togther, but they do keep in touch due to doctor visits and circumstances regarding the pregnancy. I am very worried about the "games" the OW will try and play when the OC finally arrives. I believe she will try and use the OC as a pawn in order to be able to have my H in her life . I have so many questions and confused thoughts. I am so glad that I found a place where there are others actually going through or have gone through my situation.

Dear coffeewife,<P>So sorry that you are in this situation...<P>Like Taking Care said, you can live through it and with it. But right now you have many decisions to make -- some of them very painful ones. The pain is very raw now but that lessens with time also. It helps tremendously that your H seems to be very supportive and is talking to you. That is a very good sign that he truly wants to make the marriage work.<P>I have found in my own situation that the OW tries to push you out of the situation and continue to deal with your H. Make it clear that you and your H are now a team and all decisions and visits will be joint ones. Once the OW sees a united front -- you and your H standing together -- that will eliminate a lot of the "games" she was looking to play.<P>You said your H is going with her to doctor visits. I believe this is a big NO-NO. Even though your H fathered the child, it is mostly the OW's decision to have the baby and raise this baby. That does not mean that she should be encouraged or supported in any way. Helping the OW through her pregnancy, being there for the birth -- these are support mechanisms for her NOT for the child. <P>Your H's responsibility, if he wants to accept that, begins after the child is born. There is no need for your H and the OW to "bond" during the pregnancy and birth.<P>How much involvement you and your H have in the OC's life after she or he is born is something that you should decide together and you should both feel comfortable about.<P>Right now, you are the wife and the marriage is the most important part of this situation. <P>Post here often, especially when the situation gets your really down and you need people who understand to help you get through.<P>Do you and your H have children together? <P>I will pray for you that God gives you strength to make the right decisions and get through this situation.<P>- Heavenly

coffeewife,<P>welcome to this forum. sorry you have to be here, but you are in wonderful company. i don't post much, but the people who do are terrific. you will be in good hands. their advice will always be from the heart and with sincere intent. this place is great. <P>everyone so far has given good advice. it is something you must search your heart for an answer to. it is a difficult decision. i wish you luck in making the one that is what you feel in your heart best to do.<P>happy_girl

coffeewife,<P>You stated "I want to forgive him and I want to save my marriage." This CAN be done!! Using the marriagebuilders principles, other (affair recovery)books (my favorite is "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring), counseling, and the support I found here, we did it!! You can do it!! If your H's remorse and willingness to work on your marriage is true, then the odds of it working are totally in your favor! I am happy to share what's worked for me, as are others.<P>Ditto what heavenly says re: the OW's pregnancy. If your H intends to work on your marriage, he should NOT be having contact w/OW, irregardless of the pregnancy. Any energy he puts into the OW is being subtracted from your marriage! It is up to you-and-he to decide to what extent, if any, you want the O-child in your life as a couple/family, only AFTER the birth, after DNA and child support have been established. The XOW, depending on her lack of maturity, will probably use the pregnancy and child to play games as she experiences her own anger, grief, whatever; but by LAW, your H will have the responsibility for child-support and the RIGHT to have visitation in his home, with you, IF he (and you) want it. You and your H MUST present a stable, united front with clear boundaries in dealing with OW--no triangles, no he-said-she-said! I think most good counselors would say you will have to be the point of contact w/XOW re:OC issues. To show his commitment to your, your H should agree to no contact w/XOW; she cannot call the shots. If XOW cannot handle that, you may resort to a lawyer or counselor.<P>My story, briefly, is my H had an affair with a mutual "friend" and only confessed when she was 8mo pregnant, at which point the affair ended. Committed to recovery, we moved far away without ever seeing the child. We send the child gifts, but ALL contact is long distance, kept brief, and done by us TOGETHER. If the child wants to visit when she's older, fine, but the mother will never be any part of our lives again.<P>Best wishes to you,<BR>Jenny, 2+years into recovery--woohoo!

Dear coffeewife, Welcome so sorry you have to be dealing with this kind of pain. You will find some wonderful people here that will help you get through your ups and downs. It takes a long time to work through all the emotions that come along but you can do it. In time you will find that youre much stronger than you ever dreamed you could be.If only these guys could figure out that what they want they already have, without causes all this pain it would be nice. From what I have seen it just dont work that way. Hang in there you and your husband can do this and your relationship will be much better. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>Carol Ann

Coffeewife,<P>So sorry you are here with us because we all know what kind of pain and betrayal makes us seek out this forum. However, I welcome you just the same. There really isn't much I can add to what's already been said. You've already received such good advise. You CAN survive this WITH your husband and marriage. It will take time and lots of it...but you can do it IF it's what you BOTH want. Come here often and read lots of the posts from others and the responses. Many times questions or feelings that we have or don't even know we have are addressed by someone else. They can really help you. I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I know exactly how you feel. I'll include you in my prayers. Hang in there. There IS light at the end of the tunnel.<P>Comfort<P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

Thank you everyone for all of your great advice. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. I have never known such pain before! It seems like my life is just stuck right here in this moment and all I want is to be able to move on from this. I also belive that my H should not be participating in the pregnancy and this is something we are discussing. H wants to take care of baby, not OW, so I let him know that he shouldn't make himself available for her,because its like you said, she wants to use this as a way to keep H in "her" life as well. I don't know what will happen, but I do know that God never gives us more than we can handle, and that everything happens for a reason. So, maybe with a little patience and a WHOLE lot of prayer, I can come out of this a wiser and better woman!!

Coffeewife,<P> Glad to meet you, sorry to meet you here. You already have the best advice from the folks who have been there. As far as OW using OC as leverage for manipulation; in my experience you can count on it. That is why your husband needs to sever ties completely and permantly with OW. You deserve this much, at the very least.<P> Post here often, you are among friends. Read as much as you can, see a doctor if you feel yourself slipping into the black hole. It does get better with time( I know, it's so cliche, but true!)<BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Coffeewife:<P>The stories of the others here on this site are very compelling. <BR>Take time to go back through the earlier posts and read what we all have written concerning our collective dilemmas and you will find situations you can apply to your own life, inspiration, guidance, advice and a kind of 'road map' to get you through the months ahead. <P>Coming here and posting often, whether it be questions, updates on your situation, venting your rage and disappointment, will help you tremendously. It will begin the healing process. You have to have somewhere to go to discuss the events unfolding in your life that have changed your life as you know it, forever. A place to come where everyone understands how you feel and what you are going through and will accpet your anger and negative feelings as well as your hopes and victories.<P>What you are going through and what you will go through is the most devastating and profoundly painful thing that can happen in a marriage. Your husband should come here to lurk to familarize himself with the Harley Rules and Principles in order to repair and restore your marriage.<P>Both of you should read everything on these sites in the MB Forum and use the tools provided to understand and proactively work together to recovery from this horrible life altering occurance.<P>The Harley Principles include the Policy of Joint Agreement, which both of you should study until you understand and agree to incorporate this into your marriage. This will take away any question as to how to deal with the OW and the OC issues you are facing. You will be able to determine together how the future will play out and strengthen your marriage in the process.<P>The Rules are equally important because by following these rules together, you will enhance your marriage and the repair process will be faster. <BR>The Rule of Honesty and Protection are my two personal favorites that provide a solid foundation to begin the rebuilding process.<P>Finally, two years ago in March, just two months after my husband came home, we attended Retrouvaille. I was so distraught, jealous, angry (sometimes I still am) that I approached the priest who officated and asked him what my husband's and our responsibility was to the OC. The priest told me that my husband has absolutely NO RESPONSIBILITY to the OC except for financial. He said my husband's FIRST and FOREMOST responsibility was to me and to our marriage because without this basic foundation, nothing else mattered. He explained that the OW had the power to keep or give up the OC without any 'vote' or input from anyone else, had the power to alter our lives forever with her 'choices' and we had nothing to say about it, therefore, it was basically 'her' problem to figure out how to raise the child and my husband's responsibility is to provide financial assitance, nothing more, unless he and I chose to do more-TOGETHER. Some Betrayed Wives here are evolved enough and magnaimous enough to be able to accept or at the very least occasionally include the OC into their lives, but this is a personal decision to be made when the reparation process has made significant progress and the wife is secure enough in the marriage to be able to do this. Personally, this is not something I can do and probably will never be able to do...but that's OK. We all have our levels of tolerance which should be respected and complied with by the Wayward Husband. This is one area where I believe the Betrayed Spouse has or should have the power to make the decision of whether there will be contact or not.<P>However, there are men here on this forum who are raising the OC as their own.<BR>Somewhere they have reached inside themselves and have generously welcomed the OC into their hearts and into their lives. I believe it is easier for a man to do this because it is the woman who has the child and more times than not the OM wants little or nothing to do with the OC leaving the door wide open for the husband of the Wayward Wife to raise the OC. The Betrayed Spouse-Husband has the luxury of making the decisions for his family without having their lives comlicated with the OM making demands and insisting on preferential treatment or using the OC to make trouble or intrude into their lives. <BR>The Betrayed Husband and Wayward Wife can close that chapter in their lives and begin the repair of their family and marriage and love this innocent child as if it were theirs together. <BR>This is not possible with the reverse situations as the OW's often use the OC to manipulate and control and play games and call all the shots. That is why it is so important your husband have absolutely NOTHING to do with the OW. He must not have any contact with her whatsoever, nor should he bond with her in any way during the pregnancy or be there at the birth.<P>Heavenly stressed the reason for no contact was so your husband and the OW would not bond during the prenancy and Jenny emphasized any time that he spends with OW diminishes or subtracts time from you and the marriage, which is the most important thing in the world to protect at all costs.<P>You and your husband have a lot of work to do to begin the reparation process. I suggest you start with the Harley Principles and Rules...read everything and incorporate them into your lives; then, go back through this site and read all the stories and posting to familarize yourself with everyone and see how they have dealt with certain situations as this may help you get through this very tough time.<P>Glad you found us, Coffeewife...however, I am so sorry you need to be here. We're here for you.<P>Catnip =^^= <p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited November 19, 2000).]

Hello, Welcome. but sorry it has to be in this forum.<P>I agree with heavenlybody26.<P>I beleive first of all he should sever all ties during pregnacy. It was the OW choice, so she should get support from another source.<P>Once the baby is here, I would do a paternity test to be sure it is your H child. OW is making trouble by having a baby from a married man, he may not be the only one she slept with, be careful by just taking her word.<P>Once the paternity test is done and confirmed your H is the father, then go to court. Settle child support issues. Then if your H wants to be part of the OC life. Then also make this legal. There are ways to do this where he can have visitation with having to see the OW at all. Set up for a mediator, a pickup and drop off place which either of them are there at the same time. No contact. This can be done, I had to do this for awhile with an abusive ex-spouse.<P>Good luck to you, and I will pray for you. Not sure what religious background you have, but prayer by myself and prayer together with my partner helps up be much more together. Makes are souls together and we have much openess and honesty. We are becoming true soulmates.

Thank you all for your WONDERFUL advice and all of your prayers!! I am so glad that I found this site. I am trying to deal with alot of MY feelings right now, in order to be completely honest with my H about what I'm willing to do and what I'm not. I really love my H and want my marriage to work, but I'm afraid once we "officially" get back together, I will feel differently. There is going to be a long road to haul and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough emotionally to handle it. The thing I want most in my life right now is peace and quiet. My life has not been calm in so long. I'm so confused about all the different ways that I'm feeling that it leaves me frustrated and exhausted. I never thought that my life would turn out like this, and I want to make something positive out of it. I'm just not sure, right now, if the positive thing to do, is to leave or to stay??? I know noone can answer that question for me, but I sure would like some advice on how to reach a decision so that I can have closure, either way!!

Boy, do I wish I had that same answer. I have worked so hard at staying together. But for the last 1-2 months I am wondering if that will be the right thing to do. The OC is now almost 4 mths old and I thought by now I would have the answer in my mind about this. I try so hard to make all my decisions based on "what is best for my children". But I wonder if my H being so involved in OC life will be good for them. At times I think the least harmful path is to just split up. It is a daily change of heart. But I know I will get there and so will you. There is no rush to "get the right answer". There may never be a right answer, just the one you can live with. <P>Take care...<P>Carolyn