Hello everyone,<BR>I can't even tell you how glad I am that I found this forum. It helps to know that I'm not the only one in the world going through this, even though I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Well here's my story. I've been happily married for 9 years. We lived together for 2 years and had a son before we were married, we now have 2 other children ages 6 and a newborn. Well, last year about this time (two weeks before I found out I was pregnant) my husband told me that he had a one night stand with one of his sisters friends shortly before we were married. Well this woman sent a letter to his sister and said that he was the father of her 8 year old daughter and she was suing him for child support. He swears he never knew about this child. I knew this woman and she knew we were getting married and she knew we had a child together. Well here's where it gets crazy. My sister-in-law said this woman told her that the baby was my husbands. They stayed friends for years and my sister-in-law even gave her a baby shower. And all of this went on without anyone ever telling us anything. My in-laws claim, they did not believe her because she was not going to persue the matter. Well now after 9 years, she's decided to persue it. After speaking to other people that knew this woman (I've been investigating), I found out that she's been telling people for years that the child was my husbands, I guess trying to get the info back to us. But it never did, we live in a different city. I am just so devastated. I never ever would have thought that my H would have cheated on me. He was the one that wanted so badly to get married. But I can handle that, because it was before we were married, it was 9 years ago and things 9 years ago were not hunky dory if you know what I mean. My husband is a wonderful father (sometimes I think my kids like him more than me-just kidding). But he says he wouldn't want to have anything to do with this child if it is his (he requested DNA testing). On one hand I think that would be the best for all the children and on the other I feel so guilty about this child. I just think there should be some kind of statue of limitations to determine paternity. If she wanted a father for her child, she should have done this from the beginning. Now she has come into our life and is demanding $$. Well, my husband has a good job but we have made obligations not knowing about this child and if we are forced to pay child support, my children would have to suffer. And they are innocent in this situation, also. I think I'm rambling now, but any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.<P>P.S. I've talked to this woman and her mother and father. They all 3 told me that this was none of my business - that it was between her and my husband. She wants nothing to do with me or my children, she only wants her child to have a relationship with my husband. (The nerve of these people)<BR>Also, What do you think of my sister-in-law. I thought we were pretty close. UGH!

Eraser12,<BR> <BR> I have been knocked around a bit in my life, abusive father, divorce, subsequent bankruptcy, losing my two oldest kids in divorce, rehab, jail time,*********But if I rolled all these experiences together, it would be a walk in the park compared to knowing that my wife is pregnant by another man.<P> I sincerely wish you didn't have to feel what you are feeling right now. I am not in a very good place to be giving advice right now, but I do have some idea how much you hurt. You are in my prayers.<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

First and foremost,<BR>This is without a doubt YOUR BUSINESS!!! The nerve of this woman and her parents telling you it is not, it damn well is. Nothing and I mean nothing gets decided or goes on without your input and your feelings being considered. <BR>You and your husband did the right thing by requesting DNA testing. This woman does not want her child to have a relationship with his/her dad. Goodness the child is 8 years old or so. She is not thinking about what is best for her child, her child has been raised all his/her life without his/her dad and you are going to change all that by introducing him/her to a stranger...give me a break. All I can say is take it one day at a time. Wait for the DNA test results to come in and move on from there...Together. Let this woman see you two as a united front. Decisions are made jointly period. The sooner she knows this the better. I am still stuck on this is none of your business...jeez. God bless you and you have definitely come to the right place.

Leelee,<P><BR> You go girl!!!!!<BR> <BR> Eraser, start reading, hon, look for NSRs' "notable threads" and all the Harleys' material. Educate yourself, start working on yourself, take care of yourself. God will not give you what you can't handle!! You are in my prayers.<P> God bless you,<BR> <BR> <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Can you believe the mentality of these people? I told my H that if he was gonna cheat on me, he could of at least picked someone with half a brain. I spoke to her mother when I was 6 months pregnant and she actually had the nerve to tell me that I really didn't need all this stress in my condition so I should just let my husband go talk to her daughter and figure out what to do. My husband is going nowhere near that woman without me. He has had no contact with them. They have only spoken with me. After she wrote the letter to my sister-in-law, she called a few days later to see what my husband was going to do and when my s-i-l told her that he had to tell me, this woman actually had the nerve to ask WHY did he have to tell me! Well I called her and I bet she liked to s**t in her pants. But she did confirm everything my husband had told me about it just being a one night stand and he never knew about the child. Well as you can tell, she has been very difficult throughout this whole situation. She actually treats me like I'm the one who did something to her. <BR>Oh goodness, someone please wake me up from this nightmare!!<P>Thanks again for your replies

Dear Eraser,<P> OW has no class, but YOU DO. Your husband will see this bit*h for what she is. If this really was a one night stand, you are better off than you think as far as saving your marriage, and having an even stronger marriage than you can imagine!!<BR> Don't let this pondscum get to you, let her keep talking! Everyone will see her for what she is!! There is a reason your husband married you, and there is a reason this ( well, you know!) was a ONE NIGHT STAND!<P> God bless you, <BR> <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Gregg,<BR>Thank you so much for your replies. It's good to get a man's perspective of this situation. I'm still new to this forum, what is "notable threads"? Thank you so much for your support and prayers.

eraser,<P>you have come to the right place. i am always glad when someone finds their way here, though sad that there are so many out their in this sad situation. but here you will find sunshine somedays, and thunderstorms others. but always people who will give you advice from the heart. <P>i don't think i could stay friends with my SIL if she had done to me what she did to you. i was mad at my husband's brother and cousin who knew their little affair had occured, that they didn't tell me, or tell him to grow up. but she kept it from you for years. i just don't know what i would do.<P>as for my advice, i think you are lucky your husband loves you and sees this witch for what she really is. <P>ditto on what everyone said about this totally being your business. he is YOUR husband and the father of YOUR children. it is obvious they are all blood related, same idiotic ideas... you have every right to be involved in whatever decisions are made, make yourself known. <P>i read your post on my thread and i will be answering everyones post, you probably already found some good advice on guilt. i am definitely not the one to ask about that. i am so confused about that all right now...<P>anyway, take care and as always everyone here, including you now, are in my thoughts and prayers...<P>happy_girl

Dear Eraser,<P>As stated before, you are definately in the right place. My situation is different from yours, but I have been here for a few months, and through reading about other peoples situations, I know that you definately need to wait till that DNA test is back before you and your H agree to anything!!!! To me it seems a little strange that she decided to wait 8 years before saying anything to your H about the child. I'm in the same boat as the others with your SIL not saying anything to you guys and everything that she has done for the OW as well. That would be a hard thing for me to deal with, having a family member keep something like that from me or my H for that long!! We will keep you in our prayers, and stay strong, and know that if you just need to vent or cry, you can do it here, and know that most of us have been there in some way or another.<P>Tigger<BR>

Eraser12, have you recieved any papers yet? It sounds like another misable fruitloop. My husband had a similar case OC 4 years later this thing even went as far as to name a little girl my husband name first middle and last. She thought he would just agree to pay her over $100.00 week in child support you wonder if OW have any brains. DNA was done no chance that he was the father.It could be that your sister inlaw knows that she was with other guys and dosent think it is your husbands just a guess. As far as being none of your business. I dont know how you didnt none of your business these people right in the mouth.I think maybe her parents should make it some of there business to teach there dauther some morals. Hang in there lets pray that this isnt his. It looks like that is the case 8 yrs thats along time. Good luck, with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>Carol Ann

Oh my Eraser, this is what I fear to happen to me someday down the road.<P>My H confessed to a one night stand in July that occurred in May. The OW claimed she was pregnant back in July. After a couple of communications between H and her and then me she seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. We are advised to just leave her be at this time but it is driving me wild. We are trying to heal and get over the EMA, my husband is very remorseful and is changing for the better in so many ways. He believes the way hia mind was working at the time is what drove him to this horrible act. Most of the time I feel we are doing so great and are "better than ever" but the haunting visions from what occurred and what could occur in the future is holding me back. I don't want to feel in a year or so that everything is great and our life will proceed as is and then have a bomb drop sometime in the future from the OW.<P>You sound very strong. Everyone here is wonderful and very helpful and encouraging. I don't post a whole lot because I just don't have much to report lately because the OW in my life seems to be a ghost for the time being. But I do check in everyday just about and find it very helpful. I feel like I have a little family here.<P>My thoughts are with you.<BR>

I am so sorry for all this pain. Sounds like you have had to deal with all this & go through a pregnancy. That must have been tough. But it also sounds like you & your H are not divided over this. Please don't let all those other folks who supposedly knew all this get between you.<P>The SIL is not very moral person. And as for the OW and her parents...! They are dead wrong. This is between your H and you. If the two of you decide that she is to deal with you, then she deals with you. Don't even bother getting mad at them. They are not worth the time & energy. You have to focus on your children & what is right for them. It is your decision on how & when to introduce this to them (if DNA test show OC is your H's child). They are all full of cr-p if they think you should get out of this & just allow your H to go start some relationship with OC. The reality is he is married & has family. Taking him into that childs life means taking all of you as a package.<P>I know the finances are a big concern. No one budgets to send hundreds of dollars out the door each month. Each state varies as to how they calculate CS. In some states they make an allowance for children in marriage. Not many do that though. The OW in our situation actually told my H that she didn't want me to divorce him, since then she would get less money (since her $$ would be calculated after my CS money was taken out of his check). It is beyond real that these sluts who target men for $$ and have one night stands can waltz in and claim dollars as if they were married for dozens of years. Really is criminal. I think if they could be sued for "intent to harm a family" then some of them might back off. But it will be a cold day before we see that kind of law in-acted. <P>Take care... Carolyn <P>

Hello everyone,<BR>Today is not a good day. The baby didn't sleep well, so then once I was awake I just layed there and let my thoughts torture me. We were served papers about 7 months ago and that's when we requested the DNA tests and we <BR>haven't heard anything since. I know what you mean, Carriemom, how just not knowing is driving you crazy. Our attorney has adviced us to have no contact with her but I did contact her. On the court papers she claimed that she had a year long relationship with my H. So I called her then and she made some **** -eyed story of how her attorney must have misunderstood what she was saying. I'm sure she was just embarrassed to tell him it was a one night stand. Well during that conversation is when I found out that my S-I-L knew about all this. My S-I-L was claiming to me that she had no idea about any of this. OW did have a boyfriend at the time. She claims they were broken up at the time she was with my H and there was no question of whose child it was. She did get back with her boyfriend and they stayed together for about 3 more years but he supposedly knew the whole time that it was not his child. There's just so many twists and turns in this story sometimes I get myself confused. There was so much betrayal and lies that I just don't know what to believe anymore. Well I couldn't stand the waiting, so I did call OW about a month ago and she told me she didn't want anything from us anymore, but her lawsuit is still pending, so I don't know what's going to happen. As far as my in-laws are concerned, I think I feel just as much betrayed by them as I do my H. They said they didn't feel it was their place to tell me. Well they didn't have to tell me, but they also didn't have to give this woman a baby shower and OMG I forgot the worst part - my in-laws sent gifts to the OC for her first few years signing the card "from Grandma and Grandpa". I just find this so unbelievable that this went on and we never knew anything. I also wonder sometimes if my H knew. But everyone swears they never told him. But then again everyone lied so much, so what am I to believe? I just wanted to cry all day, but the kids are home for the holidays so I'm TRYING to at least function.<BR>Well thanks for letting me vent. Your replies really are helping. <BR>Thanks for your prayers and you all are in mine too.<P>Eraser

Eraser,<P>I can not believe the involvement of your in laws in all of this. I just don't know how I would handle that.<P>To elaborate a little more on my situation : we are pretty sure that my H was manipulated,but he was stupid enough to let himself be manipulated. When I heard the story of this woman it was quite clear to me. She has a BF of 15+ years, they live together. They had had a few pregnancies when she was younger but aborted them. For the last few years they had been trying to get pregnant but had failed, fertility problems. Her BF has diabetes and evidently that causes some problems. So to me and others we have told it looks like she just set out to get herself pregnant by some stupid drunk guy. The one communication I had with her via e-mail she was really stupid and contradicted herself many times. I replied back and caught her on all of them. She also talked to my H that day and said she was worried about us etc,etc and tried to smooth things over. He then told her that if she pushed the issue and he was the Father he would go for joint custody. Now we haven't heard from her since then, since he somewhat threatened her with being involved and I called her on the contradictions in her story. I just can't figure out where her head is at. She seems to want to have this baby and have her BF be the Dad no matter what, yet she tried to get my H by telling him and seeing what he would do and after the one night stand she did want to continue seeing him. But my H said no way that it was mistake. This was before she knew about the pregnancy. Now we wonder if she even was really pregnant. Oh, I get so confused and riled when I think about it, I better quit.<P><BR>Best wishes to you Eraser and hope she is speaking the truth when she says she doesn't want anything from you. And I pray we both get some answers and finality to both of our situations.<P>Carrie

Carriemom,<BR> You sound like me. The situation is so beyond belief, it confuses the heck out of me. What are these OW really thinking? Well I guess they're not. They seem to be so smug that they can do whatever they want to do. They don't care about us or our children, so why do we feel so guilty about the OC? She dropped this bomb on us and then fell off the face of the earth leaving us in limbo wondering when she's gonna come back. And all we can do is wait. Well I know eventually, these OW will have to pay the consequences of their actions. I don't think anyone wins in these situations, we just learn to live with it - hopefully! But I'm sure we'll be the ones that end up on top!<P>Here's to us!! <P>Eraser<P>

Amen Eraser !!<P>I read your other post, I am so glad you feel better today. I am doing the same thing - up and down, up and down. Now diving into the holidays (I love all of the preparing) will help I hope. I am a little wary of how I will cope with all of my emotions during the upheaval of the holidays but I hope it will help. Having Thanksgiving at our house, eeek !<P>How old is your baby ? I have an eight year old and a 19 month old, both girls and my sweet angels. Everything is worth it when I look at them.<P>Carrie

Hi Carrie,<P>I think my kids are what's keeping me sane, well at least half sane. I have 3 children, 11, 6 and 7 months old. I found out I was pregnant for the baby 2 weeks after I found out about OW and OC. Talk about emotional roller coasting and post-partum was NOT FUN!<BR>My Dr. gave me anti-depressants right after the birth, but they made me so tired, I couldn't take them. But when I stopped, I crashed BIG TIME! Later my nurse tells me you have to ween yourself off of them. Well I'm trying not to have to get back on them. They kinda made me numb. But some days, like yesterday, I think I might have to. Well, let's keep busy and enjoy the holidays. And enjoy of beautiful babies!! <P>Eraser