I have recently finshed the book His Needs/Her Needs, which is how I was led to this site. I have been reading a number of the other topics in this form. Up to now I had been feeling like I was the only one in the place I am in, but I am seeing otherwise.<P>After reading Dr. H's book, in addition to a book titled Torn Asunder, I understand much better how things have happened as they did.<P>In January 1996 my wife was diagnosed with stage 4b endometrial cancer, had a complete historectomy (sp?), tubes and ovaries, and endured 6 months of chemo and radiation. Up until that time we had intended on having children, but only being married one year had not attempted it yet. The doctors told us that her chances of recovery were slim. Emotionally I started distancing myself from my wife as I didn't know how long we would have together. Since that time we had not been able to be intimate physically because of her surgery and the effects of the radiation.<P>Over a year ago (March 1999), I began working with a young attractive woman. We talked a lot at work and started having lunches together. Eventually we made the mistake of sharing our feelings and the affair started in May of this year. I left my wife at the end of June only to return at the end of July. I left her again at the end of August. Two weeks later OW conceived my child. At the end of October, torn between what to do (repair the marriage with my wife, or divorce and marry the mother of my child), I have separated from both.<P>I want so much to do the right thing. I cannot seem to separate from the OW. Now that she is pregnant, my desire is to help raise the child that my wife and I cannot have on our own. My wife is willing to work it out not matter what. The thought of divorcing her after all that we have been though is almost unbearable.<P>I just do not know what to do. If this goes on for much longer, I worry about the impact to all involved, especially my wife.<BR>

Hi Guys! I know it's been a long time!<P>Hi Prime!<BR>Although I/we can suggest a lot of things, the final decision is yours. I can relate with your wife because I was sort of in her shoes although my medical problems were not as severe. At a time when my H should have been closer to me, he chose the easy route distancing himself which led to an affair and oh yes --the baby.<BR>I believe any reputable counselor will tell you that you are obligated to your wife. It was your wife that you promised to love until death.... I believe you have the power to save your marriage, but it won't be easy. Our OC is now going on four, and still all of the kinks haven't been worked out. Thankfully, most of it has. H has partial custody so OC is with us every other weekend. Your W may or may not be comfortable with that. That's an issue that will difinitely have to be worked out between the two of you. <BR>But yes, if you are committed to the marriage keeping your W first - that means before the OC - it can work. I guess the question is - Can you do that?<BR>I pray you will do the right thing.

PrimeTarget:<P>It seems a little late to worry about the impact of what all this is going to have on your wife. The damage is already done. I can only imagine how difficult your wife's illness must have been for both of you, espcially for your wife. I'm sure she was going through a lot physically and emotionally. I'm only sorry that instead of distancing yourself from your wife when she really needed you, you chose to get involved with OW AND make a baby. A child that you wanted with your wife. What happened to the "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" part of your wedding vows? Sex is a very important component of a marriage..no question. But marriage SHOULD be about more than having our physical needs met, especially when our spouses are sick and going through treatments that zaps all their energy. I know if it were me,the last thing I'd want to concern myself with is worrying about your sexual needs. Instead I'd be trying my best to get better. Then you left your wife, came back a month later and then left again. What's that about? It seems to me that you're on the fence about where you want to be. That's very unfair to your wife. I'm not concerned about the OW because she made her choice to sleep with a married man. My sympathies don't run deep at all for women who do that AND have the stupidity to get pregnant on top of it. You state that your wife is willing to work it out no matter what. Your wife must still love you very much. You should count your blessings. However, you say that the thought of divorcing her after all you've been through is unbearable. You never say if you LOVE YOUR WIFE. Are you with her because of a sense of obligation or do you still love her? If I were your wife, I wouldn't want you with me out of sympathy that's for sure. Make up your mind. Either you want to be with your wife and recommit to your marriage or you don't. You if get the feeling that I'm not very sympathetic to your feelings in this situation, you're right. It sounds like you've put your wife through more than enough, like she didn't already have enough to deal with as far as her health. If she's willing to have the OC involved in your lives, then you're pretty lucky, if that's what you want. I never could accept my H OC and I'm fortunate enough that H is not interested either. You owe your wife your love and recommittment. Anything less is unacceptable and very selfish. Get off the fence.<P>Good luck.<P>Comfort<BR>

Dear PrimeTarget,<P>I have also been in your wife's shoes and I want to let you know that there is no suffering in the world like that of having another woman conceive your H's child when you are unable to do so.<P>The OW in my life became pregnant when my H and I were going through years of treatment for infertility and I was in therapy to deal with the prospect of never having children. To this day, the pain of learning that the OW was pregnant is as sharp as the day I heard it.<P>I know how easy it is to be pulled into depression because of illness -- I have also suffered an illness that I was not sure I would survive and I also pulled away instead of with my H. That was also a huge mistake.<P>I know that our marriage vows are sacred and they are truly put the test at a time like the one you are experiencing. You have created a child and you have legal responsibilities to deal with but you made a sacred moral commitment with your wife the day you married her. <P>As the others have said, you will have to make the ultimate decision. Your wife will be in for constant suffering trying to deal with the OC -- the child she cannot give you. But, if she loves you enough to get past that pain and you love her enough to work on the marriage -- then you can do it.<P>As far as intimacy, there are many ways to have sexual intimacy other than intercourse that would be extremely fulfilling for both of you and would draw you closer together. You may wish to seek some counselling on this matter and to open your mind to options.<P>For my H and I, the biggest help was to actually talk to each other -- to bare our minds and souls to each other and to deal with all of the complicated feelings we were feeling. I hope that you can have an open and honest conversation with your W about where you can go at this point.<P>Best of luck -- I will be praying for you.<BR>- Heavenly

Thank you for your candid response Comfort. Unfortunately a complete picture of a relationship cannot be laid out in this type of forum.<P>When my wife was receiving treatment and the affair I was involved in were in very separate points in time. I gave my wife as much love and attention when she was going through chemo/radiation as any one could. I was there for her and she knew she could count on me. We spent a lot of time in prayer, shed a lot of tears, but we always looked forward because we trusted that she would be healed.<P>We were told that my wife would be lucky if she survived a few years. It has been almost 5 now. As each year passed I became more and more concerned as to how long her health would continue. I understand that marriage is not about sex. I believe God created this union to allow a married couple to share something so intimate that no one else should share because of what it does to a relationship 'the two shall become one'.<P>I did not go looking for an affair. There was a void in my life, the OW filled it. I understand that now. In fact, it was more the OW that pressed for the relationship to move on to a physical level. Obviously, I always had a way out; leave, say no. After 4 years without physical intimacy, when the relationship moved to that level I did not stop it. I made a choice, and it was wrong.<P>I still love my wife very much. I am filled with grief and sorrow for what I have done to her. She is a very special woman. God has filled her with grace and forgiveness like I have never seen in a person. She has a strength within her that I have always seen I wish I had myself. Can that strength put up with a child that is the product of an adulterous affair? Can it deal with having the OW involved for the rest of our life? Can I deal wtih having the OW involved with the rest of our life? Can I deal with not being involved with a child that I have borne into this world? I don't know.<P>That is the decision I am trying to make.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by PrimeTarget (edited November 26, 2000).]

PT,<BR>It must be very difficult to not be able to make love with your wife, and probably contributes to her ability to understand how, after years without intercourse and coping with her major illness, you were vulnerable to an affair. <P>I'm thinking you could use the perspective of another man who has been in your shoes, but this board doesn't hear it very much. In my memory, we have heard from hurt wives and hurt husbands, from adulterous pregnant wives and even from a few Other Women, but I can't recall another MM trying to make his choice. If you can stand to do any more reading, I recommend "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring, which was critically helpful to both my H and I. "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman is also about affairs. Counseling might help you. Maybe one of our H's will chime in soon...<P>I must agree that your fence-sitting needs to end. Your indecision would be killing me if I were involved. I can barely stand to even read of it. And the pain of your wife in experiencing the pregnancy of another in the face of her own infertility... God help us.<P>It has been discussed on this board before that infertility contributes to the conditions that help foster affairs. My H's affair started after our second of 4 pregnancy losses. I don't know exactly how my H decided to stay with his wife, but possibly he took into consideration what kind of woman the OW was, to willingly engage in an affair with a married man despite her supposed friendship to me the wife, and some behaviors that proved her to be an odd, immature person.<P>Your wife sounds like a winner, but I don't really know her. Is it true? And can you really say that of the OW? I have many other thoughts for you, and coping with the OC, but I'll let it go for now.<P>Jenny, 2+ years in recovery--woohoo!

PrimeTarget,<P>Those are some very difficult questions that you must answer. You and your wife together. You sound sincere when you say you're filled with grief for putting your wife through this. What are you doing to make it right? We're all human and we make mistakes. Some mistakes are worse than others. Some mistakes only hurt ourselves. Some hurt the ones we love the most. Some mistakes can be "fixed" and others we just have to live with the consequences. Sounds like you have more questions than answers. What does your wife say about all this? You said she's willing to go along with whatever you decide. Even she's decided. Now it's your turn. When is this OC due? Is your wife willing to be involved with OC if you are? Are you sure it's your child? Are you still seperated from your wife? If you want to work on your marriage then you belong at home with her. You can't make it work if you're living apart. Working on it means being there day in and day out - dealing with the good days and the bad days that I'm sure your wife will have. Showing your wife that you love her and want to make things right again. Decide what you want. It's not fair to keep your wife in limbo while you decide. You caused this mess, not her. I hope you're at least talking with her and I hope you're using this time to really do some thinking and deciding. My H cheated on me and now has a four year old OC out there. I'm doing better daily, but I still have my major setbacks. With God's grace I get through one day at a time. Your wife does sound like a winner. Do you really want to risk losing her? Your vows were made to her. You say you still love her. I hope she knows that. Good luck with whatever you decide.<P>peace to you<P>Comfort <P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

Jenny, yes I very much hope to get the perspective of another man who's been in my shoes. That is why I chose to post a topic in this forum.<P>I have spoken to many friends and found that some been in similar situations (divorce, illegitimate children, abortions). Being able to talk about what has happened has help me a lot too.<P>I have plenty of time to read, in fact that is mostly what I have been doing for the last few weeks. I just picked up a book by Kay Arthur yesterday, I think it was called A Marriage without Regrets. Thanks for the suggestions.<P>Yes, my wife is truly a winner. She has proven to be what Christ calls us to be; full of grace, forgiving all transgressions.<P>The choice seems obvious, simple, but each time I make one, I get pulled in the other direction. I know what it means to be tossed back and forth by the wind.<BR>

Comfort, she is due around June 3rd. My wife is willing to try to deal with the child if I choose to be involved. I will not force my decision on her though. If she is not comfortable, I would be willing to give complete custody to the mother. We are currently separated, and I am not with the OW. Yes, we are 100% sure it is my child.<P>What am I doing to make it right? There are only 2 things I can do. Seek forgiveness from my Lord, and seek forgiveness from my wife.<BR>

Prime Target:<P>"Why" are you and your wife separated?<P>More later.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip, After my wife found out about the affair I moved into a spare bedroom at my sisters house. This was before the OW got pregnant. Our intention at that time was to get divorced and to get married to the OW. Since that time the OW has conceived.<P>We agreed that it was probably a good thing for me to not be with the OW or my wife. My wife's counselor and our church pastors also agree, because my wife is so willing to take me back.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by PrimeTarget (edited November 27, 2000).]

I usually stay out of these discussions, because I don't have first-hand experience with them. But a couple of things you say just jumped right out at me, and I wanted to point them out.<P>1) <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We were told that my wife would be lucky if she survived a few years. It has been almost 5 now. As each year passed I became more and more concerned as to how long her health would continue. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>PT, none of us knows how long we'll have our spouses. Anything can happen, at any time. It is tragic and unfair that your wife was stricken with this illness so early in your marriage. <P>When I first married my H, I knew his mother had died of cancer at a young age (42). I also knew that he smoked and didn't take care of himself. I used to bargain with God: "Just give me 10 years with him and I won't ask for anything else." It is 14 years later and he is still alive and well. He's still smoking, and I can't get him to a urologist for checkups. Anything could happen. But I wouldn't trade this time with him for anything in the world.<P>I suspect that you are also probably quite young, and dealing with a serious illness requires a great deal of commitment and maturity. I have a 73-year-old mother dealing with the terminal cancer of her husband of 24 years, and she can't deal with it either. I sympathize with your conflict, but I don't have to tell you that you didn't handle it in the right way. <P>2) <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I did not go looking for an affair. There was a void in my life, the OW filled it. I understand that now. In fact, it was more the OW that pressed for the relationship to move on to a physical level. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Most people don't go looking for an affair. But I wonder: Why do you think the OW pressed for the relationship to move to a physical level? Do you think it's possible that, knowing of not only your wife's infertility, but also her condition, she WANTED to become pregnant as a way of "trapping" you, figuring that wifey would be dead soon and she could have you to herself?<P>I'm not trying to be cruel, but there seems to be an awful lot pointing to this pregnancy as a deliberate act. And if that's the case, it ought to make you think about the kind of woman your OW is (devious) vs. the kind of woman your wife is. <P>Please try not to think of marriage as an actuarial table.<P>

Dear Prime Target,<P>Since you have recognised that your wife is the winner, is the lack of physical intimacy more than the OC that is keeping you on the fence? I do not know the state of your wife's condition but please think through what you can both do together as a couple in relation to intimacy and sex as there are various aspects to the expressions. Visiting a sex therapist may help give you more ideas as would reading a book dealing with such issues.<P>Ten years ago, my good friend was given 5 years to live because she had terminal illness but today she is married with godchildren. She tries to look her best, dresses very feminine, work at a job, lead the youth at church, and has the most loving H. She still continues to have new illnesses but has never been healed at healing seminars. Today, she believes that God has a special plan for her and is living life to the fullest and putting God at the center of her life and marriage.<P>I hope you read Genesis and the story of Hagar, Abraham and Sarah. May you seek God's will in your life and marriage and may God give you the strength, courage and miracles for you to have a fulfilling, complete and wonderful marriage with your wife. May God heal your wife, make her whole and may you each be to each other what God intended.<P>God help you<BR>weep

Dazed, You have hit your head right on the nail. That seems to be the big question, did the OW get pregnant on purpose. The OW parents seem to think so, as does my wife. Only the OW knows for sure and isn't saying. Obviously we were not using any kind of protection (withdrawl method). When it happened she asked me now to withdrawal. The next day I started doing the math and asked the OW when her last cycle started. It was exactly 14 days prior.<P>I went to Boarders and read through a couple of the books that Jenny recommended. The book 'After the affair' got me thinking about a lot of things, like wake up and look at what you are doing. Is OW what you want, what is she like, can you trust her, will she be faithful?<P>History on OW - Previously married. H was abusive to her; sexually, mentally. She had an affair and sought divorce. Had affair with me. In between our on/off relationship, started another inappropriate relationship with another married man at work. Nothing had happened at the time I intervened, but she was crossing some lines. When she told him that nothing was going to happen, he cried and said that he was thinking of leaving his wife.<P>I am trying not to be as a sheep led to the slaughter. I have begun asking OW some very hard questions, mainly relating to her integrity and relationships with other men.

Weep, thank you, and I would like to thank you all for your prayers and insight.<P>Let me clarify, my wife had cancer 5 years ago. Although the docs considered her prospect of recovery dim, a miracle has happened inside of her and the cancer is in remission. Cancer is never cured, and we now that. It could come back next year or in 10 years. Only the Lord knows.<P>Honestly, (and I know that some may want to crucify me for this) it is the physical intimacy with the OW that is so overwhelming to me. That coupled with the lack of physical intimacy with my wife keeps me going back and forth. The addition of OC has thrown things totally out of balance for me. I have wanted children for years, and to not see the OC take it's first breath, first word, first step seems too much to bear.<P>I was reading 'His needs, Her needs', this his how he deals with H when reconciling the marriage. Treat the H like he is an alcoholic, and the OW is the alcohol. He must never see her, talk to her, or be alone wtih her. After being through what I have been through I can see the wisdom of this method. Any interaction with OW is too intoxicating, the temptation too great.<P>I have broked each of their hearts so many times. I wish the Lord could take me away so I wouldn't have to see any more pain that I have inflicted. I know that the pain has only started. No matter how hard it is I need to choose one way or the other and not look back.