I find myself at my wits end with a 10 year marriage in which we have only had sex approximately 5 times! I feel like I am the only one in this situation in the whole world. Although I know it's not normal I wonder who else out there has or is going through a sad situation such as mine. It really has nothing to do with love - we love eachother very much! My husband just has never been interested in sex. I just can't conceive going through another possible 30/40 years of marriage like this. Anyone out there experiencing this? Are there solutions???

Clearly this is unacceptable to and it should be.
This is just a thought for consideration. I would guess that it is possible that while growing up your husband experienced something negative about sex and his ability to enjoy it. I would strongly suggest that you seek out competent sex therapists. They deal with these problems all of the time. You are not alone. The fact that you love each other is a big plus. The sex therapists have numerous ideas and practices that are non threatening and lead to positive reinforcement.
I hope you give this serious consideration. I wish you luck.

<small>[ March 19, 2003, 06:58 PM: Message edited by: Danny115 ]</small>

A marriage without sex cannot survive UNLESS BOTH people want it that way. I can tell you the most awfull sex is "duty" sex, the kind where the wife lays down and says" have at it, make it quick". I'd rather pass. I see only two answers to this problem, your wife gets help for her "issues" about sex, OR, you find it elsewhere and HOPE she dont find out. Is it possibe you were TOO OPEN to her with asking about outside sex partners?? I've heard of some situations where WOMEN KNEW the man had a side extra for sex, and were perfectly willing to "look away" as long as it was discrete.

In response to both the above statements....I have a hard time thinking about being with anyone else and from a Christian standpoint it's not an option for me. Although I can completely relate the the feeling of just wanting to be with someone, (why did you marry knowing you weren't sexually attracted? That's hard for me to understand) but If it were that easy, I would have long ago. The issue is not the sexual act for me - that can be with anyone! It's sex with my husband the one I love. It hurts when I think how we have never really been intimate in that way. I was a virgin when we married and he respected that, but now I'm thinking boy the whole reason he respected it was because he was not interested at all anyway. I agree that counseling needs to be sought, but in this case I can't even lead the horse to water! It's a pride issue and "there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just tired" I cry myself to sleep so many nights because I just long to be with him and feel love, passion, intimacy etc... I know counseling, therapy is needed and I need to make my husband see the severity and the effect that this is having and could have in the future. We have a son who is 2 (one of the 5 times we had sex) and now want more children, but I am so angry about all this that now I don't even want to because I feel we would only be having sex to reproduce! Well the saga continues and I just need to figure out what to do next.

<small>[ March 19, 2003, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: Danny115 ]</small>

JBird, I too am married to a man of almost 12 yrs who claims he doesn't like sex. We've had sex more than 5 times tho, he will give in and it feels a lot like "mercy sex". He even told me he is not sexualliy attracte to me or anyone, but he used to have a porn problem (huh?). It's hard not having that passion and he shy's from sex so much that in the last few years he has refrained from giving me affection also, fears it will lead to intimacy.

Well...I don't like living as roomates, and I used to fight so hard for our marriage, and think if only I were better or we'd get help it would change. Like your h talking to someone bout sex, would be worse then getting ran over by a truck in his mind. So we've had no help there, although he will not be a h to me in most ways he still protects his ego.

Well here I am 12 yrs into this and I'm weak and feeling hopeless. I agree if the other spouse is able then they "need" to have an intimate connection in thier marriages. My h even told me he can live forever without it and I believe him.

When you don't have intimacy...there is some love loss. There is a fundamental part of your marriage missing. I know I have been so lonely in the last 9 yrs and it's incredibly painful.

I'm sure there is some part of the marriage you don't particularly like right? Well if you knew it would make your h happy if you did it anyway, wouldn't you do it? That is what love is about, and he is not trying to meet you in the middle like my h he is trying to mold you to his ways, and it's so unfair to you.

He won't get help (sounds familiar), he don't like sex (sounds familiar), and your lonely. You know this will not change and in 10 yrs you also know that he is unwilling to work on it because it's you that has the problem right? Well my h went as far as to call me a nymphomaniac and it was very unappreciated.

Now I have lost my wanting for sex, and in that I have conformed to his ways and lost a bit of myself. I don't see us any other way in the future and that leaves me with a lot of decisions to make, and you have to make the same hard decisions yourself.

Angel

Wow, I really can't believe there are other men out there like my husband! I just assumed all men loved sex and I was the odd ball! I try to talk to my husband so much about it, but he just laughs it off and blames it on being too busy, too tired, no birth control etc... He'll make any excuse. He doesn't understand the severity of it. Like the fact that everynight I dream of other men, old boyfriends from my past, current men I know. All these dreams are sexual! So what does that tell you? He laughs that off as well and says basically the same thing "oh you just think about it too much. You watch too many soap operas, too much Oprah, Dr. Phil etc... Meanwhile I don't watch any of those programs!! I wake up from these dreams that are so good, and get so mad that it's not real and then realize my current situation! I am just plain lonely for physical contact and have to resort to dreaming about it. Nevermind the love that has been just been lost because of no physical contact. Now for me it's just anger and I don't even want to hug or kiss him! I agree eventually the lack of leads to a decrease in love. Angel do you have any children? It makes my decision even harder having a child. Do we just accept and live this kind of life? I don't know the answer!

JBird, I do have children in fact I have 3 of them. People are so rude to assume we are hot and heavy in the sack because we have 3 children (yes rude people have made those type of comments).

Do you accept it...well only you know your whole situation and only you know what's in your heart. I'm so relieved that you posted that you dream of other men like that because I do too and I thought I was a freak, but it is because we don't have what we need. No, these 2 men are not the only ones like this either I have a friend that is talking to me now about her h not ever wanting sex unless he thinks that someone else might actually be interested in his wife. It's sad and I wish I could figure it out, and it's difficult being around other females complaining of thier h's bothering them for sex blah blah blah because I just want to stand up and scream SHUT UP be happy that he wants you.

I've been experiencing this problem for 9 yrs, it's been extremely difficult, the things I've learned are: You can't change him he must validate you feelings and care enough to want to change himself, It's not about you, this is "his" problem and unfortunately it's affecting your marriage.

I'm so sad when I read posts like this, I'm so sad that I am not able to be the wife with the "headache" that would be great just once not to be begging him and being turned down for sex. I think I just want so much for him to validate to me that I am actually a woman, after while you kind of lose those feelings then it's confusing that other men look at you and show you in so many ways that you are still beautiful. It is flattering in one sense then it's hurtful in another because all I think of is "why doesn't my h see me?".

I've also learned that this isn't about the sexual act as much as I thought it was. It is so much more, it's about respect, intimacy, affection, and love. If he would just be affectionate toward me more I'd feel a whole lot better. If he'd see that this hurts and would want to change this for me I'd feel like he actually loved me.

Like I said though, he has to want to change this for you. My thoughts are so messed up on this topic because I've been living it for so long. I wish I could open up a book, or someone tell me what I needed to hear. The problem is, is that nobody has the answers, and nobody can tell me what I should do.

It is nice to know that your situation is not unique, because it's not. I used to feel like the only woman who had this problem and when I started going to friends they would look at me like I was a freak, and they didn't understand. Believe me that made me feel isolated with these problems and believe me when you may say your self esteem is affected, you don't feel like a woman anymore, you feel like life is passing you by, and if your like me you may ask yourself what am I missing now, what will I look back on when I'm older. All of those run through my head daily, and it's not healthy. Should I leave? I don't know, as you said we have a family and I am trying so hard not to allow myself to be selfish for my kids, but there is a time when you need to weigh the pro's and the con's and ask yourself is this healty how is is this really affecting my life. If the answer is that you are not the mom you can be or the person you should be because you are weighted down with these issues, then that is something to look deeper into.

I hope things get better, I really do....Don't lose hope, but at the same time don't lose yourself in all this eihter.

Angel

Jbird and Toni, I to am experiencing a similar situation with my husband. We have been married almost 6 years and maybe have sex twice a year! My h said that it was because he feels that sex is dirty because you are using parts of your body that excrete fluids. Obviously that was a huge self esteem booster for me! He says that he likes sex with me but has to get past the issue of it being dirty. He is not a manly man. He like fashion and home decorating and he is obsessively clean. In high school he was accused of being gay because of his style and tastes. I recently found some gay porn in his dresser and when I confronted him about it, he said that he is not gay but likes it for the reading material. I did not read it so I do not know what articles are in the magazines. He said that all of the men he knows do not have the same interests and that he identifies with gay men. How am I suppose to take that? As far as sex, I have no idea how to make our sex life more active for me and less dirty for him. I suggested counseling but he does not see that there is really a problem. Another issue is that we are both Christians and I am the only one that sees a huge problem with gay porn and a sexless marriage.

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Billie, wow he finds sex dirty from excretions but will view gay porn. That contradicts itself doesn't it?

My h used to look at playboy for the good articles, I have never found a gay mag for the same reason and if I did I'd definately be more than concerned.

Do you have children? Have you ever wondered about his sexuality before?

Lets say for your h's sake, that he's not gay, and that he has the traits of a gay man but his christianity and other morals keep him on the straight and narrow. Lets say that even if he does have those tendencies that he'd never act on them because lets face it, wouldn't that be "dirty" also or even more so?

What are you going to do for your emotional health? In my opinion there is something very wrong with not wanting to have sex because of the cleanliness of it all. What about you? He can talk about himself and his reasons until the cows come home, but what about yourself and feelings?

The two of you need counseling, would he agree to something like that? He sounds very set in his ways and in those ways he is being selfish, and not thinking about you. You cannot or should not continue this pattern unless you are willing to give up everything about who you are and live a lie. If he will not get counseling to better this situation and your religious beliefs keep you here please go get some for yourself, you sound like you have been in a very emotionally abusive state for a long time and it's time to be strong again.

TakeCare...Angel

JBIRD, you are living MY life (except i've been married 12.5 years instead)! i cannot believe what i was reading sounded just like i wrote it. i JUST joined this site so that i could send you this reply, but i would like to discuss more privately and don't know how to go about it. could you reply and let me know how and perhaps we can chat that way? i really, truly need support from someone who feels my pain and from the sounds of it, we are in the very same boat.

thanks so much ~

p.s. 1) we are christians; 2) there are and never have been any "magazines" here in my home.

I can see this thread was started almost a month ago....but in case you check back sometime....there are so many possibilities to why he isn't interested in sex. Maybe he should have his testosterone levels checked, maybe he had erectile dysfunction (men tend to not be in the mood if they know it doesn't work worth beans!)

I have been married 18 yrs and have only had a sexless marriage for the past 2 yrs. My husband is taking antidepressants which have killed his libido and he WILL not go off them.

That is how I wound up checking out marriagebuilders....out of the desperation of how to rebuild something.....sex was a huge component to our love.

He isn't meeting my sexual needs or even much caring I have them!!!!

I have been married for 16 years.The first five years was fantastic as far as our love life now.I am a woman and my husband never wants to make love.I always have to almost pry him into the bedroom.We do have our fights and we do have a lot of stress but I can't go on 30/40 years more without it ethier.

I have been married 16 years. For this 16 years my husband has pretty much slept on the couch. Recently, I have decided to pursue my own mental health and have done much reading as well as phone counseling w/MB. I am convinced that a man/woman not having an intimate relationship with their spouse is about control --- not sex.

The most insightful book I read was The Passive Aggressive Male from Bedroom to Boardroom. This book made me feel like I was sane.

I then read The Dance of Anger (I needed to get a grip on my anger as a result of my perceived husband's indifference to me). It is a wonderful book and allowed me to understand I can control no one. I must control myself.

For the first time in years I am beginning to feel normal regardless of my husband.

One more lonely wife, signing in. Hello ladies (& guy.)

For me it got too painful to sleep in the same bed with my H and have him act like I was some kind of toad if I touched him. Into the mix was his EA with a Best Friend, another woman.

Sometimes I would wake up after having a dream where we were kissing each other, or having sex, and tell him. He would say "I'm sorry." Made me feel pathetic.

It's been years. We have a son who starts HS in the fall and we can't send him to a public school or even an ordinary private school. So splitting up the household is a big problem.

It's the loneliness, the feeling unattractive, feeling like nothing but an obligation to him, that is so hurtful.

We also were in MC. The Sex topic was verbotten. My H was adamant that he would not talk about it. (Nor would he discuss "affection" and here was his response: "I said I won't talk about sex!"

I have lost all desire for him. He is never affectionate. All his emotional energy went for years into an EA with someone else.

He wouldn't care if I had an affair. But I won't, because it would just be plain wrong. And there's the fact that I get involved emotionally when I am sexual. Our lives are messy enough now without THAT.

Any of you wanna commiserate, my email is BellevueBelle@aol.com.

I have been married almost 5 years. And almost 4 years it has been continuosly fighting. I argue because he doesn't help me around the house, and he used to argue because I never wanted sex. I told him the reason I don't is because he never helps me. And that's just a tidbit of all that's gone on. Well, now he doesn't even initiate sex anymore. We're lucky if we have it once a month. And if I or him initiate it, it isn't good. Most of the time he says he's too tired or had to much to drink. We work opposite shifts. He is a restaurant manager and works night. After work, he'll drink a few drinks and then come home drink. I tell him he drinks too much, however, he doesn't agree. I have began to give up. I don't know what to do. It's like we both ignore the issue. The one day he has off, we do go somewhere and usually have a nice time, but that's it. It's more or less like we're roommates. And he already said he doesn't want to go to counseling, doesn't believe in it. And he still does not help with the housework, etc. His idea of help is taking the trash out and washing the dishes every now and then. I don't know what to do. I'm quite fed up. Any suggestions? I also ask myself, if he doesn't want sex from me, then where is he getting it. Because he's made the statement, he's a man and has needs. I don't think he's cheating, but then the wife is always the last to know.

I do not intend this in a mean way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but, I must say that it warms my heart to see women in this situation. (kindred spirits of the opposite sex) If this was being posted by men about there wives I guarantee a woman would be blaming it on the man and their inability to meet some emotional need.
The problems may just be biological and i do think that maybe they just have low testosterone levels. I personally have a high sex drive and my wife does not. So from a man... Sex for me is very physical and not emotional, i have seriously come to believe that it is very biological for most men. I can give details but i will not. do not want to get to graphic. But if your husband is not masterbating a lot or seeing other women then his drive is just not there. For either biological or serious mental reasons.
Not many solutions to this. sex therapy or testosterone shots, for him. masterbation for you. unless you entertain extra-marital... which we will not even discuss...lol

I've said this on other threads, but I'll say it again here, too...

Please, ladies, if your man's sex drive is nil, do whatever it takes to get him to the docotor's office. Men, do *yourself* a favor and go. Get those testosterone levels checked.

My husband's libido went from 60 to 0 soon after he turned 40. Nothing was done about this for three years.

(There are other reasons to get it checked, too. Other medical conditions, such as tumors, can lead to the same lack of sex drive.)

Meanwhile, I would try to initiate only to be rebuffed almost every time. And no matter what he said (it's not your fault, I'm still attracted to you, etc.) -- no matter what, each time I was turned down, I felt less desirable, less loved and less worthy.

A year or so ago, my husband was tested with testosterone level of 150, while average ranges from 400 to 1000. He was given three options to take care of it, but he refused to do that for a year.

It helped contribute to my affair. When a man came along who found me irresistable, it was pretty hard for *me* to resist, too. I'm not saying that what happened was justified, but my husband's refusal to deal with his medical problem left me pretty vulnerable.

Thank God, he's now on treatment and he and I are working hard at our marriage. He now has the same sex drive he had when we met.

But I still get angry and frustrated when I think that a few shots a year ago may have made the affair, depression, anguish and separation less likely.