Hello all. I've been "lurking" on this site for a long time, reading everyone's good advice without the emotional involvement of actual participation, but I now need the more "personalized" advice. My H had an affair with a co-worker which supposedly ended 10/99, with a "one night" relapse (when she said it was SAFE)in 2/00 which has resulted in a child. She was/is married, currently separated, & of course says the child is my H's. I have a 17yr old son from a 1st marriage & a 3yr old son from this one. My H has 3 other children from 2 previous marriages. I have told him that if he can choose to have a relationship with this child or our marriage, but not both. I feel very strongly about this, and also that my sons not be exposed the OW & OC. I'm not sure of all my reasons for feeling this way, but I think it basically goes back to trust and, most importantly, honesty. I guess what I'm asking, so you all feel that I am wrong in making these demands. I do want to add that there has been no dna testing, so we only have her word that it's his, and that I've watched him ignore his other children over the years, supposedly because it was so painful and I made things "difficult" for him (I guess that was my refusal to be a built in child care provider). Thanks for letting me unload, these are not things you discuss with just anyone, and only one of my friends knows & she's in poor health, so I hate to burden her with worry about me & my kids.

Welcome, even though you have been "lurking". You don't go into too much detail on when & how you discovered this, or how your H is about this. Does he act like he really cares about this child? Or do you think it might just be an "act"? I say that because my H started out saying he was only going to pay support if it was his. Then he starting talking about wanting to be in the childs life after he found out is was his. Now he is back to "I really don't want to be involved". My H has also been a non-attentive parent to our two boys and also to his 20 year old D by first marriage (which I raised with him from time she was 9). He has basically left children up to me, so I was STUNNED when he pretended he was going to be involved in this OC life. I say pretended, since I know better, but he may have in all honesty benn talking about doing this out of some perverse sense of "doing the right thing". The right thing would have been for this OW to give the child up for adoption (it is her only child) and let two parents raise it. But she is too selfish and thinks my H will be there to help her raise child.<P>Anyway, you have every right to not want this child in your life. But at some point, your son will end up finding out about this child (if it is your H's). It may be dozens of years from now, but it could happen. I am concerned about what to tell my two boys (6 & 7). At this point they know nothing. <P>I have decided I could allow this OC in my life, but only if she visits with US in our family home. At this point OW has balked at that and wants my H to only come to her house. I am like you at this point. He is going to have to decide to stand by me in this decision, or leave marriage. <P>Anyway, between now and when this child is born (which should be soon right?) you may have all sorts of mood swings. Try not to focus too much on the things that are too far out in the future. Is your H planning to be at the birth of OC? That was a BIG issue with me, since he didn't even know at this time if it was his. I was LIVID when he went against my will. If she is married, what does her H say? Do they have other children? That could impact things. If they are married many states will put him on birth cert. and he will be declared the father just because of marriage. <P>Please try to just take care of yourself and your sons. Take all of this slowly. Come on back & post. It helps.<P>Take care... Carolyn

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for, fuming. It sounds like you have set your boundaries and awaiting the fallout. I would also be concerned about the legalities in your situation--the DNA and child-support. I'm sorry you're part of the "club", but the board can be great support.<P>Best wishes,<BR>J

Takingcare & Jenny, thanks for replying. I've lived with all this info in my head for so long that it's easy to leave out the details. I found out about the pregnancy in late August & I think my H only found out in July. I pretty much froze up inside, & withdrew from him. As I think I said, the affair supposedly ended in 10/99, when I found out about it. I've been trying to figure out how she kept him from knowing she was pregnant since they were co-workers until late June. The child arrived one week ago, and he was there for the birth, which infuriated meous, since as I said, we only have her word that it's his. Her husband said that he's pretty sure it's not his, but that if they could get back together, he would raise it as his own. They do have one other son. <P>I believe that my H feels sorry for OW, even though she took it upon herself to make the decision to have the child, with no input from my H. Her resources are now limited since she made her H move out. Again, I say that's her choice & not my problem. I agree that adoption would be best, & to be honest, I know someone so eager to adopt, that I could have it arranged tomorrow. <P>She gave the child "our" last name but didn't name my H as father on birth certificate. I believe it is legal in any state to do this. Our name is not usual, & if she stays here, OC & my son will be the only children in school system with that last name, so yes, in about 5 years he'll know. We live in a smaller, rural area in the south. Have been meaning to call the hospital to find out. As far as child support goes, he's supporting 3 children that don't live with us, which takes over 1/2 of his income now, she won't get much unless he just starts handing it over, which could happen if he continues to see her. Poor, poor thing, don't know how she'll make it. He's got a good relationship w/ our 3 yr old, distant with my son, & his others.<P>What I'm asking is if I'm being unreasonable. Also, how do you make something like this public? My family lives all around us, as do friends, co-workers, etc. This isn't like you go to even the next town to see C, she probably lives less than a mile from us. If he starts spending time there, people will notice. This is another part that confuses me. Why isn't he embarassed that he's been/will be publicly outted as a WS? Does he think this won't affect others opinions of him? Does he not realize the pressure I'll be under, most of it to dump him? This is the 2nd affair I've lived through & I won't do it again.<P>I guess my gut feelings tell me that she's done all this deliberately because she's in "love" and needed that tie to my H, & will be oh so accomadating yet needy when he's around. And I can not live with any more lies.<BR>

Wow. Lot's to discuss here now that those facts are on the table. Your H sounds a lot like mine in many respects. The attending the birth thing is just beyond my understanding, in both my case and yours. That was 100% being supportive of OW. Period. There is no other explanation. You were justified in being furious. Mine did this while I was out of town with our boys visting his sick mother. Talk about stabbing you twice. Anyway, this does not show a lot of inclination on his part to be suportive of you. Sorry.<P>Your OW must be a bit nutty. Putting your H name on birth cert. is strange. In my state the father must give WRITTEN consent if he is not married to mother. YOu may want to try and find out law in your area on that. Web is good for research. Anyway, she is not thinking about her other child to do that. They should both be raised together. If her H is willing to take her back she should jump at it. But I know you have no control over that.<P>You don't have to make anything public, now or ever. If you do decide to make it public, make sure that you have DNA testing done on child first to determine if it is his. There have been women on this board who actually had negative tests come back. It happens.<P>How is their working relationship? Is his job threatened if this becomes public? My H uses that to justify why he deals with OW (to keep her appeased & keep his job safe). Of course he wasn't worried about job when he started sleeping with someone who worked for him. I drift again... sorry. Can he get another job or has she quit work? They cannot keep working together.<P>What I have come to terms with is that OC will end up being part of my sons lives at some time. They will have to be told some day. If we have visitation with OC (which I really don't think is good for OC) then we will have to be open about this with friends, neighbors, relatives, etc. When my H started thinking about all that he began to back off "being in the childs life". After all, in 10 years if he only visits this child at the OW house, don't you think the OC will start to resent the dad who only shows up on occasion & never goes to school functions & never takes vacations with them? My H knows that visitation would have to occur with me & our sons and that means telling everyone. At that point he started backing off wanting to visit child. This is just all BS about WS being a father to these children. They don't realize they are just being harmful. And once again, he has ignored the first children & now wants to be "super dad"? And how bad is that going to hurt those children? These men are idiots! Yes, the OW in my case also was "in love" and had found her soul mate. She did it deliberately, I am sure of it. What 32 year old woman is sleeping with a man & not using birth control unless she wants a child? Or either she is stupid as sin. Geez! And these guys beleive that crap. Wow. <P>You mention this is the second affair you have lived through. Are both with him? You are within your rights to expect your H do work with you on a joint agreement that you can both live with. If he wants to see this child & you can stand it, make sure it is with you, not with the OW. Of course, all this is IF the child is his. He needs to get that taken care of. Everything needs to be a joint agreement. My H continues to fail me in that respect and I am about at the point of taking actions. The deception is more than I can take also.<P>Take care... Carolyn <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by takingcare:<BR><B>Wow. Lot's to discuss here now that those facts are on the table. Your H sounds a lot like mine in many respects. The attending the birth thing is just beyond my understanding, in both my case and yours. That was 100% being supportive of OW. Period. There is no other explanation. You were justified in being furious. Mine did this while I was out of town with our boys visting his sick mother. Talk about stabbing you twice. Anyway, this does not show a lot of inclination on his part to be suportive of you. Sorry.<P>Your OW must be a bit nutty. Putting your H name on birth cert. is strange. In my state the father must give WRITTEN consent if he is not married to mother. YOu may want to try and find out law in your area on that. Web is good for research. Anyway, she is not thinking about her other child to do that. They should both be raised together. If her H is willing to take her back she should jump at it. But I know you have no control over that.<P>You don't have to make anything public, now or ever. If you do decide to make it public, make sure that you have DNA testing done on child first to determine if it is his. There have been women on this board who actually had negative tests come back. It happens.<P>How is their working relationship? Is his job threatened if this becomes public? My H uses that to justify why he deals with OW (to keep her appeased & keep his job safe). Of course he wasn't worried about job when he started sleeping with someone who worked for him. I drift again... sorry. Can he get another job or has she quit work? They cannot keep working together.<P>What I have come to terms with is that OC will end up being part of my sons lives at some time. They will have to be told some day. If we have visitation with OC (which I really don't think is good for OC) then we will have to be open about this with friends, neighbors, relatives, etc. When my H started thinking about all that he began to back off "being in the childs life". After all, in 10 years if he only visits this child at the OW house, don't you think the OC will start to resent the dad who only shows up on occasion & never goes to school functions & never takes vacations with them? My H knows that visitation would have to occur with me & our sons and that means telling everyone. At that point he started backing off wanting to visit child. This is just all BS about WS being a father to these children. They don't realize they are just being harmful. And once again, he has ignored the first children & now wants to be "super dad"? And how bad is that going to hurt those children? These men are idiots! Yes, the OW in my case also was "in love" and had found her soul mate. She did it deliberately, I am sure of it[quote] What 32 year old woman is sleeping with a man & not using birth control unless she wants a child?[B] Or either she is stupid as sin. Geez! And these guys beleive that crap. Wow. <P>You mention this is the second affair you have lived through. Are both with him? You are within your rights to expect your H do work with you on a joint agreement that you can both live with. If he wants to see this child & you can stand it, make sure it is with you, not with the OW. Of course, all this is IF the child is his. He needs to get that taken care of. Everything needs to be a joint agreement. My H continues to fail me in that respect and I am about at the point of taking actions. The deception is more than I can take also.<P>Take care... Carolyn </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't know if I quoted the line that hit home but I agree,she must have wanted to be preg.! ugh!!!!! Debi<P><P>------------------<BR>Imagine....