Well, the ow is moving out of state and my H is feeling "torn"?? He wants to be a part of the OC's life and is afraid she won't ever let him see the OC. She knows just what to say and do to keep my H & I in constant turmoil. He says he can't stop her from leaving and he's glad she'll be gone, but now he says that she'll use him for a paycheck and not let him see the OC. It will be difficult for my H to see the OC because of the cost of travel and time it would require off from work. I told him that if he wants to raise this child himself (H doesn't feel that she will be a good mother) then I will have to rethink this whole thing. Help I need advice??

hey coffeewife,<BR>The best thing is for her to leave.<BR>Does your h see oc? How can you take it?<BR>My h knows if he does anything other than pay for his sperm donation I will not stay!!!<P>Will not stay!I don't know your situation. I would travel with him if he ever sees oc! What a waste of money.These kids are gonna be messed up!<P>Sorry I'm too new at this it's what I feel though. Bless you Woman...<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

coffeewife,<P>Your H sounds like mine. My H wanted to stay involved with OC because he had a bad home life as a child and he felt that the OW would not raise the child to HIS standards. Well isn't that the sort of arrogance that caused this whole situation?<P>These guys lay down with women other than their wives (no moral dilemma there) and then when the OC arrives they suddenly find religion? I don't buy it one bit.<P>It all seems to be about control. I don't think I insisted enough in the beginning that the OC stay outside of our relationship and that allowed my H to have his cake and eat it too for a very long time. Now, my position is -- if you want to save our marriage then WE have to come first. The OW will have to cope with life on her own funded partially by our money.<P>Don't under-estimate the guilt trip that the OW is sending him on by using the "overwhelmed single mother" routine. She is a grown woman and she knows what raising a child entails. If she was old enough to seduce another woman's H than she is old enough to cope with motherhood.<P>The child's upbringing may not be up to your H's standards, but then is the situation of its birth up to his standards? Enough damage has been done all the way around and stolen moments with a child who does not live in your home will not be a major influence on that child's life in the long run.<P>Stand your ground and good luck.<BR>- Heavenly

Coffeewife, I know I am a bit more radical than most who post here, but I think it is GREAT she is moving. <P>Don't worry about what she does with the support money and how she raises this child. That is the delima your H put himself into when he slept with her. I am with Heavenly here on all this "morality after the fact". I would be happy if OW would just move and collect a check. Yes, she is using us for a paycheck. But I cannot do anything about that. I will NOT let her ruin my peace of mind by fighting over this child & day to day stuff. She DOES NOT get that from me. No way. <P>The best thing for the OC (if your H really cares about what is best for child) is for OW to find a husband & raise this child as his child. That way the child has two parents, not just a part-time dad who visits. Her moving might allow that to happen. Please, just send a check, pray for the child & let things go.<P>Take care... Carolyn

Hello,<P>I agree with basicaly everyone else. This OW lays down with a taken man and becomes pregnant, she has made her choice for life. I know she did ask your H to get pregnant, she selfishly made the decision herself. So the full responsibilily of the raising, well being is all on the OW. The only obligation your H has is a legal one of financial support.<P>It's GREAT she is moving away. I wish the OW and alleged OC in our situation ( because they will not become part of our life) would move away. <P>This may be a good thing, time will heal. Space will make it easier to forget. With time and OW moving away, your H should get over it. I like wise refuse to have anything to do with the OC or OW, besides if mandated by court a check in the mail.<P>Keep your head up. This maybe the best thing for your relationship. Moving away will help and remove any type of wanting of conncetion with this OC. Is the OC his for sure?<P>Keep you in my prayers. <BR>

Coffeewife,<BR> God, how I wish that taterhog would move away. Just feel relief that your OW is leaving. Out of sight, out of mind, hopefully. I know OW's are a horse of a different color though. The only set rules they seem to have are to make the MM and their wives as miserable as they possible can. Strength to you. Oh, and pray she never moves back.<P>