Okay, we're doing great! But my H told me today that there's a chance he'll be sent to a military school for 6 weeks next year about 5 hours from the XOW/OC. He hasn't been anywhere near there in over 2 years, and I like it that way!! Now, I know lots of people deal with the XOP being in the same town and such on a daily basis, but this is really hard for me. I don't think my H has any emotional ties to the XOW, though he does for Ochild; I don't think he'd feel it worth being around XOW to see OC nor risk our marriage sneaking around about it... but since this all happened, I feel like I can never REALLY trust him again, you know? There'd be nothing from stopping him from trying to see them if he goes there, no one "checking up on him". Since he's put so much of himself into our marriage in the meanwhile, I hate to tell him about my fears. The school is a great opportunity for him, so I'd hate for him to turn it down because of HER... or me.<P>Thanks for the vent,<P>Jenny (2+ years in recovery--woohoo! )

Hey Jenny,<BR>I would share my fears. I understand your being scared honey.Maybe his words will reassure you.<BR> I know how you feel and I too would be scared. But if your H is like mine his words can help you overcome your fears.If you stayed and he stayed he MUST love what he has w/you.Believe that.<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Jenny you need to take this opportunity to talk with him. These are YOUR fears. That does not mean you don't trust him or the relationship isn't good. It is just a natural fear. Tell him you know he would not ever do anything without communicating with you & you understand his connection with this child. Better to do it in a loving way that to sit & let it eat at you. You know where that leads to! Before long you are suspect of every little thing and ready to LB at any given moment! <P>Keep breathing. Trust & relax. Congratulations on 2 years! Keep going!<P>Carolyn

Jenny:<P>Five hours away is five hours away. It's a haul and I can't imagine he's going to have a lot of time to even plan a visit. Besides, you and your husband are more than two years into a real recovery...not a tentative recovery like mine, but true recovery, recommitment and a building of trust. <P>I know blind faith and complete trust are gone forever, there will always be the nagging doubt, but in the big scheme of things, I am sure it is minimal and will lessen even more with time.<P>Your husband has consistently displayed his good faith and intentions, remorse and desire to restore the marriage, from what I gather from your posts. Because of his willingness to comply with the POJA and Rules of Protection and Honesty, I would be hard-pressed to think he would violate the trust you have already gained or take a chance in destroying all you have successfully built over the past two years out of curiosity or misguided feelings of obligation.<P>Because of the progress the two of you have made, I would think it would be quite easy for you to approach him about your obvious discomfort and fears about his being in such close proximity to the XOW and OC. Could you possibly suggest that the two of you plan a visit together when you both are stateside? Could you ask him if he has felt any pull to see the OC since he knows he will be in the vicinity and if so, what he thinks about it and what he has tentatively planned to do about it, if anything?<P>He may surprise you and tell you the thought hasn't crossed his mind and it is better to let sleeping dogs lie. However, I am like you. I would want to be there, and if I couldn't would worry and wonder and suspect my husband would sneak around to see OC or worse yet, OW, even though there has been absolutely no contact or interest in two years.<P>I think a lot of this is just us dealing with fallout from the events of two years ago, no matter how successful the recovery has been. It is such a tough thing to get back that part of you, the confidence, the peacefulness that comes with a marriage of fidelity.<P>I know you probably think you'll jinx your progress by bringing this up, but it is a new situation you haven't had to address before until now. And you need the peace and reasurrance from your husband, his promise that there will be no contact whatsoever, and phone calls from him every night during the week and morning, noon and night on the weekends. <P>He will have to do this because he must know the XOW is evil, deceitful and revengeful because she has been rejected by him. Nothing would give her more pleasure than to provide you with new information that your husband spent some time with her and the OC. <BR>The price he will pay for this is simply not worth it. I don't think he will do something so stupid just to see the OC out of curiosity, to betray your trust, hamper your progress or open the door to the XOW's satisfaction at the opportunity to destroy what you two have gained.<P>It's time for a sit down, Jenny. As unpleasant as it is to show your vulnerability to your husband and express your fears and concerns, this is something that absolutely must be discussed in detail and the particulars of the consequences, the capabilities and the possibility of the XOW contacting you the moment he leaves her house, crowing to you that he was there...it just ain't worth it, Jenny, it just ain't worth it. <BR>I can't believe he would put himself in that position and jeopardize what he has with you under any circumstance. You need him to make a commitment to you that this would never happen, that he holds true to the POJA and Rules...he needs to know how frightened you are and the consequences, not as a threat, but as a warning of the destruction should he do something so profoundly thoughtless and in complete opposition to what the two of you have built.<P>Stay strong, Jenny, but open up. I'm storming the heavens for you.<P>Love,<P>Catnip =^^= <p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited December 02, 2000).]

Jenny,<P>See, that's the bad thing about now coming online everyday....you've already received such good advise! I don't want to be repetitive so I'll just say that I agree with the others when they say that you should let your husband know how you feel. You'll feel better and he'll have an opportunity to hopefully lay your fears to rest. You are stronger than you think and you'll get through this. I know and understand your fears of insecurity so well! I have them myself. I continually pray about it and continue to remind myself how very special I am and how damn lucky my H is that I'm still with him! Seriously, though, talk to your h and let him know how you feel. You'll be in my prayers<P>Comfort<P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

Hi, Jenny,<P> Is there any way you could go with him? Don't think of it as "checking upon him", think of it as taking care of your marriage.<P> God bless you, <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Jenny,<P>I agree and support everything that has been said - talk to your H.<P>If there is no way that you can go with him for the full time, would it be possible for you to either go there on weekends or have him come home on weekends?<P>Like Catnip said, he will be busy all week and I doubt that he will be making a 5-hour drive after school is over at 4 or 5 p.m.<P>But, I travel a lot and I know the worst time is the weekends when you don't have anything to concentrate on. That is when you really miss you family. So, even if it is costly, perhaps you could at least meet on weekends (maybe long weekends taking off one Friday or Monday).<P>Good luck with your open conversation with your H - I am praying for strength for you.<P>- Heavenly

Thank you all for your advice! H is at a tough 3 week school near our home which will determine whether he goes to the 6-week school, so I haven't brought it up yet. I agree, I need to discuss it if he gets sent to the 6-week school. <P>Lyton and Heavenly, it is really not practical to see each other during that 6 weeks. We live overseas and plane fare alone would cost probably $900 apiece, plus somewhere to stay, and we have 2 young kids I'm not willing to leave behind (that's maybe a $5,000 trip!). I am willing to drag us all there if he is intent on seeing the OC, but I'm sure he won't want us all to go. He was going to be sent to her state once last year and he was able to get himself cut from the trip rather than worry me. <P>Catnip, I don't think the XOW would tell me, which just adds to the fears. They successfully kept the A a secret for over a year despite the fact she saw me almost daily. She was perfectly happy keeping secrets from me and taking what little she could get from him (pathetic). If my H wanted to be dishonest and see the kid on the sly, say, weekends, I can't think of anything that would trip him up, except that the XOW would take pictures that might (or might not) eventually surface, and the OC would have met him and might mention that someday... all years from now. I don't like to play the fool, esp. not twice.<P>Sigh.<BR>Jenny, 2+ years and the relationship is great... <BR>

Jenny,<P>I agree with the others..talk with your H..keep the lines of communication open..Share your thoughts, fears and concerns with him..He has been committed to rebuilding your marriage this long..i dont think he would risk it...Just let him know exactly how you feel..When you start hiding things and not communicating, thats when problems start to pop up..Im no expert..but that is the way I see it..Just keep up the good work, trust him to do the right thing (as much trust as you can muster), believe in God, yourself, your H and your marriage...good luck!!! I will keep you in my prayers!!!<BR>aloneandsad

Jenny:<P>It is hard to imagine that your husband would risk everything after all you have been through to see the OC on the sly. But, I know if my husband goes to NY, I'm going with him, because if he went alone, I would worry. What is to prevent him from seeing the OC or the OW for that matter. Ego is a funny thing.<P>While I never worried about my husband before all this happened, sending him off alone to that fateful party in Dallas after a fight, I sealed my fate and he changed our lives forever. Who would have thought he would do something so life altering...for ego.<P>I understand where your 'fear base' is coming from because I now have this uncomfortable nagging doubt I never had before, a suspicion I never ever had before, and while I do not believe that either your or my husband could or would ever do anything like this again, neither of us thought they were capable in the first place.<BR> <BR>I don't think either one would jeopardize what has been rebuilt, go through all that pain, to be forgiven just to betray the marriage again out of curiosity, a sense of obligation or ego. We didn't think it was possible the first time; now we are on 'alert', we're on patrol.<P>The fact the XOW can keep secrets and wouldn't tell you if your husband saw OC is scary. I guess I was depending on her vindictiveness and stupidity.<P>What does your husband say about OC? Does he seem real interested in a relationship? Does he seem curious about OC? It would be good to know where his mindset is. Perhaps you're like me and try not to discuss it much and to focus on the marriage and on your family instead.<P>Let us know how the discussion went with your husband and how you relayed your fears and what his response was. I am real curious about his reaction to what you have to say. I am guessing that he will be surprised yet understanding and will reassure you and probably tell you it hadn't crossed his mind. I am hoping he will tell you he has no intention of stealing away to see OC without you being present and there is no way he would violate your trust after all you've both been through. I am hoping he will tell you how grateful he is that you stayed in the marriage and forgave him.<P>You're in my prayers.<P>Catnip =^^=

<BR>Catnip writes:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>While I never worried about my husband before all this happened, sending him off alone to that fateful party in Dallas after a fight, I sealed my fate and he changed our lives forever.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No way. You are not now, nor will you ever be, morally responsible for your H's decision to betray you. Sure, if you could rewind the clock you'd do things differently, but so what? Everyone would run their lives differently if we had the chance to do things over (e.g., I considered purchasing 1,000 shares of Microsoft in 1988. Boy do I wish I had THAT one back - ha!). The point is, YOU didn't decide to betray, so don't blame yourself!<P>Bystander

Bystander:<P>Intellectually I know this. It does not stop me, however, from bitterly regretting that I did not get on that plane.<P>Don't be a stranger.<P>Catnip =^^=