I am completely depressed today. I call my partner on his cell phone and it went into voicemail.<BR>I heard the voicemail I left earlier when I got into work and heard four saved messages from voicemail and it sounds like the same person. Female call one Nov 4th stating "Hi baby, i am sorry about yesterday, it so frustrating in this situation, i know you are taking care of busy over there but i hope to see you monday, love you" second call 11/13 same voice saying "call me back" then third call 11/19 saying " to call her at a different number" and the fourth call 11/27 saying to "call her". <P>I was upset, called him at work about this, he denied the calls. I told him that I know it was his voicemail. He said I don't know what you are talking about, but I haven't talked to that person since last month when we broke off. I told you she had left that message. Please don't go backwards, to push me away. He said he loved me and would I want to marry him this weekend and would make me feel secure. I said I wanted a nice wedding and yes I do want to start planning it now. we hung up.<P>He call me back to see how I was doing and to tell me he is through with that and he has not spoke with her. I kept quite. hung up.<P>He called again, to see how I was doing. At this point I told him to be completely honest and tell me the truth, he said the same thing.<P>I then called him back to tell him to be as honest with me as when he told me about the A. He said nothing is going on. I asked is there another person he said no. He said i don't know who voicemail you got into. I left it alone and did some general conversation.<P>What do you all think? He call me about three times in a row to see if I was ok and could get beyond this, because it was not his voicemail. I wonder if he did saved them did not contact her, but made the mistake of saving these message and is feeling guilty, can't admit it. Do you think? or he just blew it save the messages and got caught. He keeps saying there are not in his voicemail, he doesn't know what I am talking about. I even asked is there another OW. He said no, he is with me, I have been calling you more to make you feel more better, I haven't gone out, I been coming straight home every day, please don't push me away. He seems to be worried about my feelings, because like I said he call several times today. Or is he checking to see if I will end/walk out?<P>Help me I am hurting, but I can't go home to show my pain. He doesn't want to deal with it anymore. He feels it been discuss and that's it before it drives him away. He is in love with me and wants to be with me and marry me. <P>I am confused. How do you all see this? Help me, hurting bad. <P>[This message has been edited by vazquezek (edited November 30, 2000).]<P>

Geeze Vaz,<BR>I don't think I could trust him if you heard what you heard. Could he be a "cake eater"?<P>I don't know... I would give it a little while to give him the benefit of the doubt.<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Vaz, are you two in counciling? I can't recall if you have mentioned it, or reading the book "Surviving An Affair". Are you working through steps in SAA? Policy of Joint Areement & understanding each others needs? <P>I am scared that this issue of trust is going to keep eroding until it seriously impacts your relationship. Beleive me, it has mine. You need to have the "relationship rules" clearly laid out. It sounds like he is trying and wants to be with you. All you can do is state what you need and ask him to follow the rules to give you what you need. The same thing goes for you. He needs to be able to tell you what he needs and then you provide it.<P>A relationship built on checking voice mail and trying to read each others minds will not survive. <P>Take care... Carolyn

Vazquezek,<P>Taking care is absolutely right - a relationship built on checking voicemail will NOT survive -- so don't do it!<P>My H sounds a lot like yours. He feels that he has repented for what he did, he has told me time and again he is sorry and he says that when I keep going through the whole story over and over again it makes him feel like a criminal who can never be pardoned even after serving his time.<P>I know exactly how you feel. It is so hard to trust again after going through what we have all gone through. I have been in counselling and it did help a lot. The bottom line is -- what do you accomplish by checking voicemail and hurting yourself over and over?<P>Your H (and as far as I am concerned the marriage license doesn't make it marriage -- the relationship does) seems like he is making an honest effort to make you understand that he is trying to be honest.<P>If he wanted to leave, since you are not legally married, he would be in an easier position than a H. But, he is there with you and he is trying to support your needs.<P>No one can say but you if you can really put this thing behind you. You alone know your deepest feelings and whether his A has damaged your relationship beyond repair. But, let me tell you that it will get better. Your feelings will not always be so raw. And, it is possible to rebuild a level of trust -- maybe not the blind trust that you have in the beginning -- but a different type of understanding of each other.<P>If you feel there is something left to salvage then re-commit yourself today to that man. There was a really beautiful saying posted on this board some time ago. These are not the exact words but it was something like this:<P>Forgiveness is letting go of my right to hurt you because you hurt me.<P>Stop hurting him -- not because he deserves it -- but because in the process you will stop hurting yourself and YOU deserve not to be hurt anymore.<P>I hope this helps. We are all behind you, praying for you and giving you the support you need to make it through day by day -- you will get there.<P>So, start planning that wedding! That is a wonderful sign of commitment. Congratulations!<P>- Heavenly<P>