..to what Still Trying suggested that I make my W choose between me and OM? He said that it was right for him and it sounds right to me too, because I too would feel debased and humiliated if I had to be the mediator between OC and OM, just as ST did. I am sure that it would be better to let my W make the choice herself but I just want advice on how this could benefit or backfire. Do you think that OM is saying he wants to be involved with OC just because he will get to see my W? If she chooses to take herself out of the equation, will that likely cause himself to bow out of OC's life? I don't want to put you and ST against each other and I know I have to make my own decision, but I just wanted to see how this played out in your situation and if it would have worked for your W.<BR>Floored

I'm not sure we're terribly at odds with advice here, so I'll try to help you.<P>First, you can't "make" your wife choose between you and the OM. You simply can't. If she's not ready to make the decision, it'll be nearly impossible for you to force her one way or the other and have it stick.<P>In my wife's affair, I discussed going to Plan B (a separation) with my wife. She panicked, and promised to end the affair, get individual counseling, and get marriage counseling. But she wasn't READY---I used the threat of a separation to force her hand. She ended the affair, but it restarted less than a month later. When I went to the separation for real---there was little discussion about backing out for concessions from her. I separated because I NEEDED TO. Not to force her hand.<P>And when she gave up the affair finally, it was because her life was spinning completely out of control, and it was time for her to crawl out of her hell. It had nothing to do with me forcing her, or even asking for it.<P>You, unfortunately, have very little control over your situation should you remained married. If you divorce right now, gain physical custody of your children---you'll have a known situation, but at the expense of your marriage. Because the OM knows about the pregnancy, he can be involved if he chooses to. This could be made easy by your wife putting his name on the birth certificate. You should respectfully ask her not to do so (in general, to place the OM's name as father on the birth certificate would be an exception to what is normally done for married mothers).<P>It's harder for the OM if your wife doesn't acknowledge paternity, but it can happen. If he sues for paternity, he will be granted a dna test, and if the test is positive, he will be awarded visitation rights (assuming he has no record that would contraindicate this). He'll also be "awarded" the right of paying child support.<P>You need to make a judgement call on this: do you think the OM would go to such extremes if your wife was back with you? He'll never get physical custody, and will he pay for the right to be a part-time dad?<P>My wife's OM threatened exactly this. Now that was good---he actually threatened to seek physical custody. Can you say "lovebuster"??? After all the **** he put my wife through in the month the affair was ending, there was NO WAY it would ever be rekindled again. Even better, although he threatened this he was full of hot air. We never heard from him, excepting one hang-up call when our son was about 3 months old (he's nearly 2 years now).<P>It's possible that the OM may want to be involved in the child's life. I can't make this call, and I don't have statistics to back up any generalities (I only know of a few instances, and in these it 1 (involved) vs 3 (not involved). What's more important is that no matter what you do, you won't be able to prevent it. You CAN modulate it however, if you and your wife agree to have you be the go-between between the child and the OM. I'm not sure why you'd feel debased and humiliated: you can actually deal from a position of moral strength here---you're doing the right thing for your marriage, the OM has lost his "love" (your wife) and now only gets to visit "his" son part time. You're the full time dad. And based on that, he'd need to be someone who really believes in responsible fatherhood to follow through on the financial and emotional obligations. Is he?<P>As Bystander pointed out on another thread, Plan A under these circumstances is in somewhat in conflict with your financial and custodial "safety". But if you want your marriage, you're going to have to put up with some risks and uncertainties---and I think these are really going to be there whether you divorce tomorrow or try to stick this through to the end. I strongly urge you to discuss some of the IMPORTANT issues with your wife in a non-lovebusting way. But in general, you don't gain anything by trying to force your wife do make choices or decisions. Let her know where you stand (rule of honesty), but do so in a loving manner (rule of protection).<P>I rambled too much here. I hope this helps.

Dear Floored,<P>Hi. I will jump in here too. K has very clear, excellent advice. Let me clarify what I was trying to say. I did not want to raise OM's child for OM. I was happy to be sole father for this beautiful boy, and I felt that I would have to accept OM being sole father, if that is what he and my wife chose. I did not want to have a situation in which I was living with my wife, but son was legally and openly regarded as child of OM.<P>That was my position. You might feel differently. My situation was also very different, since OM was terribly afraid of anyone finding out about the child, and had refused to divorce his wife and marry mine. In fact, he had insisted on me not being told about child, and had wanted me to raise him as my own out of ignorance.<P>Your case is very different. K is giving you great advice about your marriage. However, you must also consider your relationship to the child, and the child's longterm interests. In your situation, I would be afraid that my wife would irrevocably establish OM as father, so that he could never be made to disappear from our lives. My counsel to you was based on that fear.<P>If it concerns you, you might ask <P>(1) To be named as father on the birth certificate.<P>(2) To have no contact between OM and child for the first year. (Your child wouldn't remember him anyway, so the contact during that stage would be only for OM's benefit).<P>(3) To agree not to fight having OM named as father in a legal way if, after a year, your wife decides to divorce you and marry him. (The emotional pain of that loss could be terrible; I tried to think of my child's interests first, but found that no-one really could — we were all so closely involved).<P>Bystander would counsel against this course of action. You would be leaving yourself open to be the child's father for life, even if your wife leaves eventually for OM. I took that risk, and would have raised our child even after a divorce. That isn't so hard, since I love him very much. But it is also an awesome responsibility, and cannot be undertaken lightly.<P>What if your wife won't agree? I really don't know. I never dealt with that situation. K did go through a "Plan B" I think that is what you would be considering. Discuss it with him.<P>I am sorry for you pain. I can only imagine how hard this is for you now.<P>May God bring you peace and healing,<P>StillTrying.<BR>

K,<BR>Again, thanks. I'm sorry, but I don't think I ever knew your whole story, so I don't know how long your W took to see the light. Were ya'll separated at the time of the baby's birth? I feel like I'm running out of time and energy to continue like this. Maybe I'm just having a bad day, but how do you keep your spirits up continually when you are the only one, right now, that wants your marriage to work? I don't think that I will give her an ultimatum and you made an excellent point about being the full time dad and not to feel humiliated for having to give up a little time to OM. My kids are thinking of names for the baby and they naturally all end in our last name. I hope my W doesn't confuse their little minds with another last name.<BR>Floored

Floored:<P>I've been here for such a "long time" that only the old-timers know my story. A synopsis was posted <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000143.html" TARGET=_blank> here</A> last year. This should give you a feel for my timeline.<P>I've got some work to do, but I'll head back to try to answer some of your questions.