Hello everyone,<BR>I posted here a few weeks ago and reading everyone's replies has really helped. I am so confused with my own thoughts. Summary of story--H and I just found out about 9 year old child that is supposedly my H's from a one night stand. In-laws knew all these years what OW was claiming but never bothered to mention it to us. Well it's been over a year since I found out and I just can't get it out of my head. We were served papers about 7 months ago (my 11 year old answered the door-Great!) H requested paternity tests and we haven't heard anything since. Well I called OW and she says she doesn't want anything from us anymore! Who the hell does she think she is? She drops this bomb on me, practically destroys me, then she just changed her mind. I thought that this is what I wanted to happen, but now the guilt about the OC is killing me. My H wants nothing to do with OW or OC. I also thought that was what I wanted to hear, but then I wonder how he could do that. I was reading on another forum at <A HREF="http://www.affairs-help.com" TARGET=_blank>www.affairs-help.com</A> where there is this huge debate going on about this situation. And the thing of it is I agree with both sides. I could never accept the OC into my family but then I know this is just a innocent child that needs to know her father. <BR>I am not intimidated by this OW at all, so that's not the reason I wouldn't want to be part of the childs life. It's just that I don't know if I could handle my H being a father to another womans child. I know my H loves me and my children sooo much. This is tearing him apart. He is very remorseful and totally embarrassed by the whole situation. I don't want to leave him but I wonder if I will ever get over this. I'm really not handling this well. I cry all day until the kids come home from school and then I turn into this zombie that pretends life is wonderful. We went to counseling and at the last session the counselor told me she thinks about me all the time and wonders what she would do in my situation. Well I told her that's why I was going to her. Obviously, I lost confidence in her and didn't go back. Maybe I didn't get it a chance. H is trying everything in his power to help us heal and I want so badly to forgive him but how long does the pain stay there. They say time heals but I'm hurting just as much today as the day he told me. Not to mention this happened almost 10 years ago. I guess its not the fling that bothers me so much as does the OC and all the betrayal from my IL's. I know I'm rambling but the thoughts in my head are so confusing, I can't even think straight. <BR>I am so sorry that others are going through this, but thank you all for being here.<P>Eraser

Eraser,<BR>I'm sorry you're having a hard time. In all honesty I kind of envy your situation, that you had 9 years of peace and no child support to fork out; forgive me as I'm sure your world was blown to bits by this just as it was for us who find out early. None of us can ever be the same. <P>If it is any help to you, I think you're perfectly justified in letting the XOW/OC GO (as in let go, let God, wash your hands, etc.) and concentrating on your marriage and children (what a shock to the 11yo!). Hopefully that is the last you'll ever hear of the mother. <P>Perhaps the OC will contact you herself in her teens or adulthood, and now you have an opportunity to decide how you as a couple and family want to handle that possibility. My uncle fathered a girl outside his marriage 30+ years ago and paid child support without visitation though she lived in the next town. As a teen this OC contacted my cousins at their high school, to learn more about her "dad". This was quite a shock to my 4 counsins, who had NO IDEA she existed!!<P>This Ochild is living the life her mother CHOSE for her. Since your H, the unwitting sperm donor, has no interest in pursuing a relationship, I don't think you, who have done no wrong, should feel any obligation or guilt. I hope you find peace.<P>Best wishes!

Jenny, <BR>Thank you so much for helping me put things into perspective. I guess I should be thankful that she didn't tell me before. I probably would have left my H at that time and not had two more beautiful babies. Things were very rocky for us in the beginning. It's weird, just when things started getting really good with us, we get hit with this. I know you're right about having to let go. It's just that I feel so out of control. Believe it or not, when I called OW, I was very calm and just asked if we could get together and discuss the best way to handle the situation. She then said she didn't want anything from us anymore. So now all we can do is wait and see what she's going to do next. <BR>In your uncles case, did his children resent him for never telling them about OC? Did OC continue a relationship with his family? If the child does come to us in later years, we would still request a paternity test. From there, if he is her father, we would just have to explain to her. How do you explain that??? Oh I don't know!!<BR>I'm fairly new to this forum and I'm not familiar with your story. Does H know for sure it's his child? Does he have contact?<BR>I did read that it's been 2 years. I'm happy to hear that you've so far been able to work things out and stay in your marriage. Do you think we will ever get that trust back?<BR>Thanks again!!!<P>Eraser

Eraser:<P>People on this site probably think I am cold or hard hearted because I have maintained from the beginning that OC guilt is misguided guilt and belongs to the OW for having sex with a man she knew was married, had plenty of opportunity to do the right thing and back off, but did not...and did not 'care' who got hurt.<BR> <BR>I found out about OW almost immediately and pleaded with her not to see my husband. She went ahead and not only continued to see him but intentionally got herself pregnant. What's worse, she kept the child subjecting it to a life without a father, without a stable two-parent household, without the advantages of an intact family and destroyed me and everything I cherish, changed my life forever in one fell swoop, never giving me a second thought or what it would do to my family or my life.<P>Because the OW's called all the shots and made all the 'choices' impacting everyone involved and because all the decisions were made without our input, the OC's fate lies with the OW, relieving you and me of any guilt, whatsoever.<P>I am so sorry that you are going through so much turmoil and angst from this horrible revelation, Eraser. I understand your devastation. But, as Jenny reiterated, this did not come to light for nine years, relieving you of the first decade of crushing financial problems, court appearances, needless agony of waiting for it to be born and the sadness of getting through that. <BR>Believe me, I am not minimizing your pain for a moment. This revelation is a horror beyong what others not living this pain can comprehend. <BR>To have your son answer the door, to have this nuclear bomb dropped on you when things were going so well for you and your husband and having to go through the agony of knowing your in-laws knew about this, is extremely confusing and painful. It is a unique situation.<P>The fact your husband wants nothing to do with OW and OC is normal. My husband says it isn't 'real' to him because he never saw OW pregnant, he has never seen OC, they live 1800 miles away and there is no communication. We try to live our lives as we did before and on most days, we are somewhat successful. <P>I think men are able to put unpleasant things behind them easier than women can and stay in the present and rarely look back. At least this is the case with my husband. He cannot bear his remorse and guilt and has problems when he is forced to face the things he did to destroy our marriage.<P>I don't mean to generalize men and catagorize their mindset, but, it is easier for them to compartmentalize, IMO. I find I am the one who obsesses and becomes depressed over the destruction of what once was.<P>We are two years into tentative recovery and I am currently in the midst of the two year anniversaries of all the discoveries and I am not handling it all particularly well. I find I am weepy and angry and having a hell of a time getting through these past few weeks. I was doing better last year at this time, so go figure. <BR>I know this is cyclical and this will pass; it is something I have to work through. I know I will get better and probably very soon because intellectually I know this is just symtomatic of the anniversary dates and a lot of memories are surfacing and I am forced to re-examine them in order to move forward.<P>Eraser, you will get better, then you'll experience a 'hiccup' in your recovery and have a tough time, then re-emerge feeling much better than you thought you would, and then at certain times, experience a set back only to rebound again later. <BR>As time goes on this process lessens and you will recover and so will your marriage.<P>The OC is not your sin, not your responsibility and certainly not your guilt. Frankly I am delighted your husband's focus is you (where it should be) and feels his obligation is to you and to your marriage and family, as it should be. A priest at Retrouvaille told me that my husband's and my only responsiblity to the OC was financial because our marriage and family must come first and foremost under any circumstance...that the OW made a choice that did not include the best interest of anyone but herself and therefore absolved us of any emotional responsibility.<P>Some people here are more evolved and able to acknowledge and even include the OC into their lives. The men here who are married to women who have given birth to an OC have welcomed these children into their lives with love. <BR>I believe it is far easier for a man to do this than it is for a woman because in most cases the OM disappears and the family is left in peace and intact and able to move ahead without the threat of the OP. Just my opinion. <BR>I think if the OW died, I might possibly be able to include the OC into our lives. It is the presence of the OW that keeps us from including the OC because the OW is a very ever-present, in your face reminder and threat. Constant contact with her would keep the wounds raw and the pain alive. When the OM disappears never to be heard from again, a healing takes place, a family is restored, acceptance and forgiveness replaces the pain and uncertainty.<P>Let go of the guilt, Eraser. It is not your guilt. Focus on YOUR family. Focus on getting through this shock and on rebuilding.<P>Catnip =^^=<BR>

Thank you Catnip!<BR>Well last night my H and I left kids with sitter and went out to talk. Just so happens we run into an old friend of mine that works at state child support office. The subject comes up and she tells me that if the OW does not pursue the matter, she will not be able to get medical card for OC. Needless to say, guilt set in AGAIN. Well so much for getting away for a while. She also said the OW has 3 years to do something, after that the case will be closed. OW is not actively pursuing matter, but she hasn't closed the case, either. I know she is on the medical card, so maybe that's why she's riding it out. No telling. H and I are not getting along at all, and I know that's mostly because of me. You're right when you say men are able to put things behind them easier and I, too,am the one depressed and obsessed. I want so badly to put some closure to this, but I'm so confused as to what exactly I want that closure to be. <P>Thank you Jenny and Catnip, I hope you can enjoy the holidays!!!!

Eraser:<P>Closure on something as life altering as this situation is pretty much a fantasy. It is something none of us will ever have. We may get close in time, but it is something we just have to accept if we want our marriages to survive. So, forget about closure and focus on restoration.<P>As far as the medical card stuff, why would this make you feel guilty? The fact the OW has to have medical assistance is because of what she did, what she caused, what she chose. Had she given OC up for adoption, the child would have a two parent household with all the advantages. Had she not gotten pregnant to begin with, she would be gainfully employed and not at the mercy of handouts from the state. Had she not been with a married man, you would not feel so crappy all the time, looking for closure that will elude you, desperately circling the wagons around your family, your nest, to protect it from the OW's fallout.<P>Place the blame where it belongs and stop feeling guilty about OC and medical assistance and other issues completely out of your control via decisions you were not privy to. Focus on your marriage, your husband, your family and Plan A the marriage back to health. Let your husband focus on you and the marriage and put the other stuff on the back burner until when and if you get anything from the courts. Don't waste your precious time and energy borrowing trouble before it appears. Love your husband. Take this time to make your marriage strong and begin your recovery.<P>I know you're angry. I am too. It's kind of my MO. But, after the holidays, my husband and I are going to get intensive couples counseling, for my benefit, to get through the residual anger I harbor and to take another step in the restoration process. The OC issues won't stop for 18 years, if then, nor will the sadness from the betrayal or my jealousy of the OW, but I can and must start somewhere...just don't wait two years like I have. It retarded my and our progress.<P>Good luck<P>Catnip =^^= <P>

Eraser12<P>I would be willing to bet any amount of money in the world that this is not your H's child and OW knows it.<P>Think about it. First she was probably pretty young when she became pregnant, and probably could have used child support, yet she didn't try and get it.<P>Second, after nine years she pops up and wants child support. She's on medicaid, so more than likely the state forced her to name a father. She figures your H has a lot to lose in this and that he would probably just roll over and play dead and start sending a check. Unfortunately for her, you want proof. Now you don't hear from her again.<P>To me that speaks volumes. Either the state would pay for testing up front, and then get it back from your H if he is in fact the father, or she'd have to pay for it and would get at least half back when he is proven the father. She's full of it.<P>Say you had a child at a young age, and perhaps didn't tell the father because the relationship was bad and you wanted nothing to do with him. Years later you decide you want child support, he wants a DNA test. If you knew for a fact he was the father, wouldn't you gladly submit to one?<P>She's looking for an easy check, and has come to the conclusion that she's going to have to look elsewhere.

Catnip, <BR>I am so glad that you have replied to my posts. You have really helped me put things into perspective. I bet you are a wonderful friend. I guess I've been this way all my life as far as always wanting the control and thinking I have to be the one to fix things. You're right though, I really do need to try to stop obsessing over what MIGHT happen in the future. I hope the best for you and your H and good luck these next couple of months.<P>PamO,<BR>I think you may be right!! But there's still always that question in the back of my mind. My H and I were not married when we had our first child because I wasn't sure I wanted to marry him and I know this sounds selfish but I remember at the time I wanted my child all to myself. So I guess the point I'm trying to make is if I raised a child for 9 years alone, I would NEVER EVER take a chance of having to share my child with another family I didn't even know. But I wouldn't have done lots of things these OW have done. So I guess that's why I can't understand it. Well thanks for your reply. I hope your right.<P><BR>

Eraser,<P>I, too, am probably considered "cold hearted" like Catnip described herself (although I don't think we are). I have no guilt about the OC. I am so thankful that my H doesn't want anything to do with OC at all. I couldn't agree with Catnip more when she says that men have an easier time putting things behind them and moving on. My H is totally focused and dedicated to me and our marriage and repairing what he so selfishly damned near destroyed. He is very remorseful and sincere in all of his attempts to "make things right" and try to earn my trust again. It's not easy!! But he never ever had any doubt that this OC was not going to be a part of our lives. I know I certainly knew that. I agree when catnip says that you should not have misplaced guilt when it comes to OC. This is not your sin. You had no part in this. As I told my H many many times. I don't care what was going on between him and I, I stuck it out without looking for sex with another man...he didn't. He was weak, stupid and selfish and he hurt me beyond words. I refuse to feel guilty for something he did. I'm having a hard enough time just trying to keep our marriage together. Trying to battle the rollercoaster of emotions that I experience day to day (sometimes hour to hour). I don't have room in my heart or mind for guilt about this OC. I wish this OC well but it's not my problem. Yep, to some, I probably sound very cold. But that's o.k. I can live with that. I've prayed to God to give me strength to stay with my H because I still love him very much and I want to trust him again. I love my children...I love my family being a family. I know that it's been through God's grace that He's sustained me throughout all this. I have never felt that God was disappointed in me for not opening my heart to this OC. I never felt that God expected me to. I'm at peace with the choices I've made. Really, it was never a choice for me because it was never an option. I'm just grateful that it was never a conflict with my H over this. I'm luckier than many in that respect. I wish you peace. I hope you can let go of this misplaced guilt and move on with your life. Focus on what's important to you...your children, your H and your marriage. Keep those thing strong and bond together- and keep God first in all things...you can't go wrong with that.<P>God Bless you!<P>Comfort<P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

Dear Eraser 12,<P> Your responsibility and commitment is to your marriage, period. You owe nothing to OW or her child. If your husbands' comitment would have been as strong, you wouldn't be in this mess! <BR> Catnip is right, only I don't think she is cold or hard-hearted. She is planted firmly in reality.<BR> Stop beating yourself up over your husbands' mistake.<P> <BR> God bless you, <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Thank you all so much. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't find this forum. I don't know why I feel so guilty about OC. OW obviously had no concern for my children. I know that I did nothing wrong but I guess the guilt comes in because I wonder sometimes if my H wants no contact with OC because of me. At this point, I've decided to just live day to day and pray that I can find peace with our decision. I think I'm finally being able to do this, thanks to you all!!!!

Eraser12,<P>Reading your posts took me back to the very beginning of this mess for me. Learning about the OW and OC in my life was pretty much like being hit by a train that I never saw coming and being left broken and battered trying to put the pieces of me back together.<P>But, I believe that I have put back most of the pieces. And like the others have said, there are still days when you cry for the marriage that you have lost, but over time you do learn to handle your emotions. And, most important, you can have a good marriage again!<P>I have been in your shoes struggling with thoughts of whether or not to try to accept the OC. Comfort said that she never felt God was dissappointed in her for not accepting the OC. This is exactly what I worried about and debated. I felt that as a Christian I could never be forgiven for my sins and faults without forgiving others.<P>I had just about made the decision to try to bring the OC into our lives and was planning to try it during this Holiday season. Surprisingly my H stopped me. He told me that he did not think I could do it -- that it would be like repeatedly stabbing myself in the heart to be around that little girl.<P>Most women give too much of themselves and are willing to suffer any kind of pain and indignity to "make things right". I believe my H appreciates what I was trying to do, but after careful reflection I believe he is right. <P>The pain of seeing the child -- a child with my H's features or habits -- mixed with another woman's features and habits would be too much for me to bear. It would conjure up images of my H and the OW together that are best laid to rest.<P>We have taken care of our wayward spouses but now we need to take care of ourselves. They had their chance to "do the right thing" and they selfishly chose a path that would hurt and destroy us. And now we need to protect ourselves and our hearts.<P>There will be light at the end of the tunnel so just hang in there. Today at church, the priest talked about the many endings and beginnings that we experience throughout our lives. Changing schools, moving to different homes, losing parents and other loved ones, even for some of us losing children. We grieve, we regret, but then from somewhere deep inside of us comes the strength to close that chapter, turn that page, and begin again -- not exactly the same but different and equally wonderful.<P>You will find that strength. You are in my prayers.<BR>- Heavenly<P>

Eraser,<BR>I'm sorry I didn't get back sooner with answers to your questions.<P>Re: my uncle's child, my uncle died when the OC was around 10(?) years old. I was 6, so my memory there is fuzzy. My aunt did not discuss it with her 4 kids until after the OC approached my counsins. The OC also contacted MY father (her bio-uncle) when she turned 18. She was invited to our house to see pictures of her bio-dad, and my family saw her maybe 3-4 times over the next 3-4 years, but that was years ago. She lost touch and was never part of OUR family! My aunt never had contact with OC and OC was not close to my cousins (one cousin refuses to believe it's true); no one really held it against the OC, personally... just a sad situation. My aunt, cousins, etc. still speak very fondly of my uncle to this day. He was, as they say, 'a good man', generous family man, little league coach, etc.. <P>This is basically the attitude I have carried into the situation with my H's OC. We do send the OC gifts together and we will accept her visiting us if she wants to when she can do so without her mother, but we are very long distance. Our counselor recommended waiting as long as possible to tell our young children (until visitation or teen years, whichever comes first) for a variety of reasons. I do not consider OC a part of my family, (though I would if we could raise her without her mother). We had DNA done, so OC really is H's. I'd be happy to share more if it helps you.<P>Best wishes,<BR>J<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited December 03, 2000).]

Heavenlybody,<BR>Your words are really comforting. I, too, felt that maybe I was ready to accept the OC and told my H. He said he didn't think that I would be able to handle that and I know that he was right.<P>Jenny, <BR>Thanks for your answers! Not only do I worry about the OC, but I also wonder how my children will accept our decision if ever they find out. My H is really a wonderful father. <P><BR>Well guess what happened yesterday!!!<BR>Getting the Christmas lights out of the attic, my H pulled down a box that had wedding cards in it from people who sent gifts. One flew out and WHAT A COINCIDENCE, it was from HER and her mother. SHE SENT ME A WEDDING PRESENT!!! She would have been about 5 months pregnant when we got married. Remember this was 9 years ago so I didn't remember if I had invited her or not. I didn't know her well, but she was a friend of my SIL's so I guess that's why I sent her an invitation. Well, after she told us last year about the OC, I had a conversation with her mother who claimed they had no idea that we were getting married. That was so nice of them to send me a wedding gift if they didn't even know I was getting married. HA!HA! So what do you all think about this? I'm sure her mother was the one that sent the gift and just signed from the two of them. But she said she knew all along that this was my H's child. Well, would you send a gift to a man who knocked up your daughter after a one night stand. I don't think so. MORE LIES!!!<P>THIS IS CRAZY!!!!! Hope everyones having a good day. <P>Eraser

Wow, Eraser, that's incredible!!! You never know what to believe about some people. I've never been like that, so I simply can't understand it, but I have certainly been burnt by it. I'm glad I don't have to live the life of lies they do.

Eraser,<BR>I am very sorry for your pain..but I too, agree with catnip..and pretty much everyone here...I am no expert...I am 6 months into discovery and am very bitter towards the OW and OC..I do not have my husband..my husband took the "easy way out" and moved in with OW and OC so that he wouldnt have to deal with the questions from our two..He leaves the dirty work up to me...So, forgive me in advance if I sound heartless..You should feel no guilt about this OC...You had no way of knowing..It was not yours, nor your H responsibilty to find out what was going on with OW and her life..H made a mistake, accepted it and moved on..I cannot tell you how to feel, you obviously have a generous heart, but you dont have to accept this child..The OW made the choice to keep this from your H for 9 years, she was heartless enough to sleep with him knowing he had a family of his own, waiting for him...She was desperate and alone and couldnt find a man of her own..now I believe she has a hidden agenda..I dont begin to understand what goes on in the derranged minds of all of the desperate OW out there who give no forethought to the consequenses of their actions and all of the people whose lives are turned upside down due to their selfishness and insecurity!!! I believe in my heart of hearts that she is in need of financial support and your H seemed like the perfect "meal ticket", afterall,he's already supporting a family..so why cant he support her [censored] child concieved in deceit and selfishness...you owe her and this child NOTHING..and please try not to feel bad about it..Unlike me, you still have your H, so count your blessings! Good Luck, you are in my prayers!<P>Aloneandsad