Well, th OW is gone and my H is afraid he will never see the OC. He wants to get custody of the OC, but is afraid the OW will hide or run away. H says she will do anything she can to keep he and I in turmoil. I'm not sure how I feel about helping him raise another womans child. It's a hard choice for me because I know she is not a good person or mother because she left her first child in another state with the father because she was "emotionally unstable". Yet, I'm not sure how I would feel having to devote my time and energy to the OC. I know I have to find the answers that I'm looking for within myself, but maybe having you all give me your perspectives will shine a light on something I may or may not have realized. Somedays I think that this is all too much for me to deal with. I understand how my H feels about wanting to be a part of his child's life(I have a child from a previous relationship). He has helped me raise my daughter, not financially but physically . She calls him Dad. My daughter has never had contact with her biological father(his choice). So I know that having been in a situation where a man pays no interest in his child regardless of his feelings for the woman, that I would have no respect for my H if he didn't want to be a part of the OC's life. I'm very confused and torn about all of this and would really appreciate any input you have.

Coffeewife: <P>Please read my response to Eraser as I believe much of it applies to you. Your husband, in my opinion, is keeping you and your marriage in turmoil by being involved in the OW-OC drama.<P>If he is concerned about the welfare of the OC, then a lengthy court process will determine who the fit parent would be. Unless the OW is a child molester or a crack addict, she will retain custody of the child.<P>If you have it in your heart to take on the repsonsibilities, not to mention your own emotions, feelings, possible resentments, of the OC, then it is your husband's responsibility to make sure this is something you can and desire to do. This is where the Policy of Joint Agreement is paramount. He cannot arbitrarily make these decisions without considering your feelings and desires without damaging the foundation of your marriage.<P>In my opinion, your husband should contact the courts, hire a mediator, have the mediator and the courts make a determination of joint custody and a third party enforce it and act as a 'go-between' for pick up and drop off, for medical and other issues and keep the OW out of your lives to maintain some semblance of order in your family and especially, your marriage. To minimize the drama and the manipulations of a crazy OW, there are things your husband can do to protect you (Rule of Protection) and the OC from the unpleasant fallout from a manipulating, trouble making OW.<P>You sound as though you are probably able to include the OC into your life because you stated you could have no respect for your husband if he didn't want to be part of the OC's life. This is great because it sounds as though your husband is adamant to have a relationship with this child.<P>I, too, know first hand what it is like to see the effects from the child never knowing his or her parent. <BR>In my case, my son benefited from not having a relationship and not knowing his bio-dad. In my stepchildren's case, they also were fortunate not to have their bio-mother in their life. As a result, all three of our children had a stable, loving home without drama and turmoil. <BR>Unforunately, my father was in my life and made it hell on earth whenever he blew into town to torment me ever couple of weeks. When I was eight, he moved to England for two years and I remember them as the most wonderful, warm, loving and stable years of my childhood. I bonded with my stepdad and found out he wasn't the monster my dad said he was. It is not always good for a child to know their other parent.<BR> <BR>While my son, stepson and stepdaughter were saddened by the seeming rejection of their absent parent, we made up for it with lots of love and stability and now that they are adults, they have seen their absent parents and have no interest. They also now realize that they were better off not having them in their lives and that they were not rejected because of anything that they did, but because there was something sorely lacking in the absent parent; maturity, unselfishness, consideration, etc.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>