Everyone was so wonderful during my crisis, I thought you'd want an update. Daughter and I have been talking - a lot more to do, though. She'll be ok. You'll understand soon. H showed up very early Sat. am. She was still in bed, I hadn't gone to bed. Walked right in the back door, like he lived here, sat down almost on top of me and we starting talking. Not about us, about her, my dad, thousands of things. There wasn't a single moment he wasn't touching me, holding my hand, my leg. At one point I got misty, he pulled me close, put his arms around me, my legs over his and just comforted me until he and I both fell asleep - he hadn't been to bed all night either. For the first time in weeks, I had a big part of my husband back. I saw more of the old H Sat that I had seen in a long time. <P>Once we talked w/ her and got some details, things began to look a little clearer. Now J is her "boyfriend", but she's not yet allowed to date, so they haven't had any time alone to develope a sexual relationship yet. I realize that she's gonna feel these feelings now , but there's not been much opportunity. Made sure of that. She says she has no intention of having sex, likes the respect she gets from being a "good girl" , but she felt the need to just do something OUTRAGEOUS!! Huh? The first question she asked me when we started talking Friday was "Are you gonna tell him?" Yes. "OK, Good" I had thought she'd ask me not to. Three times during the evening, she came downstairs and asked "Is he coming?" After my panic, shock and wine started subsiding, I started thinking ('Bout time, huh?). <P>Friday afternoon, I had called and told her I was leaving work. Neighbors told me that J had just arrived before I got home. She KNOWS it's a 15-20 minute ride home. She said "I knew you would be upset w/ me" She KNEW I'd be there, she KNEW I'd catch them. KNEW I'd call H. Now, until Friday, this child was the best, most level-headed child I've ever known (even w/out the parental prejudice). I can't even remember the last time she broke a rule or had to be punished. Why would she put herself in a compromising position just at the time I would be coming in the door? She's not stupid. Also, J's cousin was there in another room and was waiting for me in the foyer when I arrived. Look out, maybe? Neighbors also verified (they're retired and nosy and know EVERYTHING) that not once during the entire summer has daughter let ANYONE in the house while I was at work. <P>H brought it to my attention that, knowing her, maybe consciously or unconsciously, she set herself up to be caught to get him to COME HOME. And she knew it would take something big. Started to make sense to me, considering a lot of the details we were finding out. I said, "Oh, bless her heart." He said "Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing, Lori." I just looked at him. "I mean, maybe the best thing for me to do for everybody would be to get my a** home where I should be and learn to deal with my problems and my life." I just told him that anytime he wanted to come back, this was his home and we loved him. It was his decision. I really do believe that, at that point, I could have pushed the guilt factor and he would've moved back in. Some may not agree w/ me, but I couldn't do that. I felt, for me, him and especially daughter, he has to WANT to be here. He has to make this decision himself and be sure it's the best and right thing to do. Then we'll all have a chance. If he's living here, but visiting Sweetie each night, we'll be right back where we were a month ago and we'll all be torn apart. If HE decided it's best, if HE decides to give up this other life and work on us, we WILL make it. Manipulating on my part will just muddy the waters. Now, however, I do feel he's ready for some gentle nudging from me and from his family.<P>He stayed all day. Cancelled work sat afternoon. Took us to lunch, shopping. Fixed the front door, bathroom door (only took about a half hour). Talked and laughed. Daughter was wonderful to him and he to her and to me. Only a couple of tense moments. More and more pieces of the old H came out. Then, late afternoon, all of a sudden it was like he was starting to feel too comfortable and he got jumpy. Have to go now. BUT....before he went, he told us both to sit and he stood in front of us and gave us this speech.<P>"I want you to listen to me and hear what I'm saying. I know both of you and I want you to understand that this situation we're in is NOT YOUR FAULT. Do you understand me? This is me. This is my fault. I'm an A**. I'm a Pig. I am the cause of all this. You are wonderful people and the most wonderful family anybody in the world could ever want and you are not to blame for any of this. I know you two. You take the blame for everything. This is not you, but me and my screwed up head. Don't ever think anything else. And I'm sorry. I haven't been around or checking on you like I should, but that's gonna change. I'll be calling every day or so and stopping by a lot more often. I'm gonna clear my weekends to get some things done around here. I'm so sorry I've not been better to you."<P>Then he hugged her goodbye, said "You'll always be my sweetheart". Hugged me forever. Told us to call him anytime - whenever we needed him for anything - even just to talk. Lori, you have a couple of numbers to reach me at (one is Sweeties, one his and one his mom's) don't hesitate to call any of them if either of you need me. Three weeks ago, it was "Don't try to contact me." And out the door he went. I looked to watch him leave and he sat in the car in the driveway for almost 20 minutes. I just let him sit and think. I'll just keep plan A-ing and let him make his decisions. I think it's better that way. Hey, who knows? Maybe my drunken love bustin' Friday night on the phone gave him a little more to think about. Sure gave ME a headache. At least he didn't hold it against me.<P>My upset, confused daughter has been happy as a lark since he left. Laughing, joking, helping around the house. I haven't seen her like this in weeks either. Children!! Maybe she's smarter than I am, just didn't know the risk she was taking. Oh, my stars, what a ride this is......<P>Anyway, guys, I was at rock bottom Friday night and so many friends stepped in for me. I want you all to know how very much you mean to me. I wouldn't have made it. I was at the end of my rope with no strength left to hold on. You guys tied the knots that kept me from falling. I don't think you can possibly realize what you accomplished with your words in just one evening. I can never repay you for that. <P>Thank you so much.<P>Lori<P>

Lori<BR>This is wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing it.<BR>You did a great job!!!!<BR>Patience is the key. You got together as a family and discussed the problem. Your H was honest. Such wonderful steps.<BR>Keep it up! Don't forget the good things and don't let the bad ones destroy them!!!

Thanks for reading this ws. And for the words of encouragement. I get so tired sometimes that I miss the good stuff and the bad stuff just seems to keep wearing me down. She's gonna pay the price for this breech of trust, but I really do think he's hit on something when he said she somehow planned it. And I'm very proud of him, too. For coming through. Of course he should - but his brain's been inhabited by aliens and sometimes they don't let him do what he knows he should (and, I think, WANTS to do.) This was just a thankyou anyway. Everyone made such a difference on Friday. I hope I'm not reading too much in his actions Saturday. I don't control my thoughts, imagination or emotions too well these days.<P>Thanks again.<P>Lori

Your daughter is doing classic scapegoating behavior. And it worked!!! It brought the family together again! If things deteriorate, guess how far she'll have to go next time to get her Daddy running home? This is very dangerous. Please talk to your counselor about how NOT to let your daughter put herself in the middle. <P>For example, if she does something like this again, DON'T call him. Deal with it yourself. I know he should be there and it pisses you off, but it is really not healthy for your daughter to have such control over the situation. <P>And a warning -- my H goes through stages where he is around more, helps out around the house, etc. etc. But its like he does just enough to keep the guilt in check -- it doesn't really change anything. I'm not saying you shouldn't let him. The more he's with you, the more he will feel like part of the family.

Thanks for the advice Animac. I recognize the behavior, too - eventually, after I got over the shock (Psych major). And I am watching for all signs. As a general rule, even during our marriage, since I was her natural parent (and the tough one - she's always had him wrapped!) I have always dealt w/ her behavior. I'm the one who mets our punishment - though, thank heavens it's not often necessary - and enforces it. But H and I made most all parental decisions together and we worked together for her well-being. I called him so that he could reassure her of his love; her nightmares over the last month told a great deal about her doubt about that. And she desperately needed that reassurance. <P>It's scary how little things can get your hopes up. Not so much that everything's gonna be ok, but gives a little extra strength to get through the awful times. You guys are great. I really do appreciate all the good advice. Thanks.<P>Lori