Well, I have been having a hard time dealing with some issues, and I just wanted to post and see if anyone had any advise, or comments that may help us. My H was gone all this past week, and when he got home, I was very happy to have him back. We went Christmas shopping on Fri night, and had a lot of fun together. The kids had spent the night at a friends house, so we went out for breakfast in the morning. Well, when we got home, we were sitting on the patio, talking, and he gets very serious. He then tells me that he is having a hard time dealing with things. At this point, my heart falls to my feet! For those of you who don't remember, I am the one pregnant w/OM child, but he had also given me a D-day shortly after, but not with his OW expecting. Now, I know to expect the roller coaster feelings, and that they will never completely go away. I also should say that he still loves me, and tells me so. One of the things that is making him have a harder time is again my fault. With each of my pregnancies, I loose my sex drive. And now, it is increased by my guilt of what I've done. Don't get me wrong, I love my H with all my heart, and do find him very attractive. I just find the act of making love distasteful to me at this time. I have tried to "make" myself want to make love to my H, but for some reason, just can't do it. My fear is that this will eventually push him away. We had gone to counseling a few years ago about this, and it obviously didn't work. That counselor told me to "just do it" and eventually I will want to make love more often. Well, I guess that didn't work, since all those feelings are back. Some of it is also because of what he had done as well, since I thought this woman was my first friend I made when the kids and I got out here last year. Who knew that it was "planned" that she and I would be friends, so they could at least see eachother? He knows how I feel. A lot of crying, but no yelling. A lot of my bitterness is that I feel as if I am being punished more so because of the open, visual reminder of what I have done. And he only has his conscience. I told him that I would understand if he didn't want to be in the delivery room when the baby is born. But, on the other hand, I don't want to go through that alone. I also told him that I couldn't give this child away, that it was MY baby and I just couldn't do that again. It was too painful the last time(maybe that is why I got so emotional, it was our d's 13 b-day, the one we gave up for adoption). <P>He had gotten up at 5 yesterday morning, to check all the email accounts, cause he wanted to be sure that I wasn't sending or recieving mail from the A@#H*(). If I die, never hearing from the sperm donor again, I will die very happy!! What can I do about my situation? I love my husband with all my heart, yet, as I get bigger and the baby is getting closer to being due, it just reminds him more and more of what I did. He even said there were times that he has thought that maybe he should just leave. Yes, I would deserve that, because of what I have done, but I don't want to loose him. We don't have a whole lot of money to go to a private counselor, and we are a little leary of using what the military has to offer. I don't know what else to do right now to "bandage"(for lack of a better word) the wounds that I have caused. I know that I can never "fix" it, but I want to get to the point where we can not be walking on egg shells any more, or at least not all the time. I don't know if that will ever happen. I know that recovery will be a lifetime commitment, but I want to know if there is anything I can do right now to help it along a little. I think that for me it will help when the OW leaves this coming Aug. At least, she hasn't tried to continue any contact. I just don't know what to do. My emotions are all crazy anyway, and sometimes I just can't think straight. We both agree that counseling is important, but how do we go about it, and knowing that it is the right thing, since we would only be able to use what the military can provide? If anyone has any advise, please help!<P>Tigger

Tigger,<P>You are in such a tough situation, my heart goes out to you. I am not in your situation but I believe there are basic similarities in all of our stories.<P>In my case, my H is the one that has the OW and OC. But, just as I can be on a roller-coaster of emotions depending on which day or month it is, I imagine the same is true for him. He sounds like he is making an effort to communicate with you. Even though it may not have been what you want to hear, you must give him praise for speaking honestly to you. <P>His OW really complicates things considerably. Of course he must think from time to time that maybe he can run to her. But he is WITH YOU -- that means an awful lot. <P>When I am feeling like your H, I like to be re-assured by my H that we are working towards the goal of creating a better relationship and saving our marriage. I like to have him recognize that what he did has torn our lives apart but that he is truly sorry. <P>As you said, you have visible proof of your infidelity that is always in his face -- unlike his. So, even though two wrongs never make right, humble yourself a little for the sake of your marriage and keep re-assuring him that you are sorry, that the OM is history and that he is the only one you want.<P>As far as the sex, when I was pregnant I felt sexier than ever, but every woman is different. Although sex is not everything, it certainly does put H and W on very intimate terms that allows them to bond together. Even if you truly cannot make yourself feel anything, think of your H. Think of the pleasure that he will derive from your intimacy and how deserving he is to know that you are opening up your heart, soul and body to him. I believe he needs that right now in order to be sure that the OM is exorcised from your thoughts.<P>I can tell you that when I look into my H's eyes while we make love and he tells me that he loves me and no one else -- that is when I truly believe him with all my heart. Maybe he is looking for the same.<P>Try to do something relaxing like take a scented bubble bath and read a romance novel before you climb into bed. Maybe that will help you set the stage. Jasmine always works for me!<P>Sorry I could not be more help, but I just wanted you to know that you have support for what you're going through.<P>Good luck. <BR>- Heavenly

tigger,<BR>I can't address all your hopes and fears here, but the counseling part caught my ear. We are military overseas and have used military-sponsored counselors quite a bit, having no civilian option here. In fact, we've seen 3 counselors and 2 chaplains. So long as no one is being physically abused or breaking any major laws, you should have confidentiality with military counselors and military chaplains, the same as any civilian counselor. It really sounds like counseling could help you and I hope you don't let the military aspect stop you. In fact, one counselor was very helpful in that he has had 30 years' experience with other military members, some who committed adultery.<P>HOpe that helps. Best wishes!<BR>J

Jenny,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jenny:<BR> So long as no one is being physically abused or breaking any major laws, you should have confidentiality with military counselors and military chaplains, the same as any civilian counselor. <BR>J[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I do not have any issue with military counselor's as it relates to confidentiality, however i am not sure how qualified they are to help. I have never gotten a "warm fuzzy" from anyone I have talked to that has been to one. I guess the only way to find out is to go and talk to one!! <P>Jeff<BR><P>------------------<BR>For God so loved the world that he gave...