Every thing is shattered.My H had lunch w our son and Michael told him how he felt if H has any plans of being involved in babys life.<P>H told him he now cannot turn his back on baby. If it's his blood in baby it's also same blood as in our son.Hopes for a girl! so Michael will still b his only son.<P>I didn't know. I think he let me absorb this whole thing, was feeling assured of my wanting marriage to go on then BANG! this news.<P>Our son told him he will cut him from his life if he chooses baby over how we feel. It would be a hardship we didn't ask for. He told my son he'll get over it once he gives baby a chance.<BR>Michael told him about 2 girls in highschool who got preg. and gave up baby for adoption. It would be better for baby not to get involved in our lives.<P>Needless to say I told Priest and HE said as a man he understood H feelings! <BR>I'm a mess on tranxene,afraid to leave house cuz I might see her! 1/2 mile away from me.<P>OMG!!!!!! I hate this,Catnip.<P>God does give us too much to bear. My heart aches.<BR>Priest also said on other hand she is having baby w/hopes of being w/H. Priest said that is out of question as he revealed remorse and a "sensuous"love for me.Told him he never loved HER,and hates what she is doing!<BR>Wants very much to grow old with his only love.Praying I will come around to see it his way.<BR>I don't even get it. No help needed. Thanks for your ear er... uh.... eyes.<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

[QUOTE]Originally posted by gemini1:<P><BR>"H told him he now cannot turn his back on baby. If it's his blood in baby it's also same blood as in our son.Hopes for a girl!" <P>What an ego. He is putting his own feelings and needs above those of yours and your sons. His first and only responsibility is to you and your marriage and your family. Ask him to come here and read some of the posts so he can gain a better understanding of the devastation and pain you and your son are going through.<P>"Our son told him he will cut him from his life if he chooses baby over how we feel. It would be a hardship we didn't ask for. He told my son he'll get over it once he gives baby a chance."<P>If your son told him how he feels and your husband's response was "you'll get over it", it is testimony that your husband is selfishly unaware of the impact his actions have had on your lives. Have your husband come here and read the posts so he understands the depth of your and your son's feelings about this.<P>Gemini, your husband is misguided. He needs to understand the seriousness of what has happened and how this is effecting you. Your priest is a good place to start. Tell your priest to look into Retrouvaille (a Catholic program for troubled marriages) where he will come to understand that the policy there is for the spouse to devote themselves to the other and to the marriage without any obligation to the OC except for financial. <P>Stay strong.<P>Catnip =^^=<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited December 05, 2000).]

Oh! I never heard of Retrouvaille. I will ask as I go again tomorrow to see Priest. I feel a little hope......<P>Something else,how the heck do you quote just a sentence of a thread you want to use? <BR>I try but whole message comes up. heh...heh...lol Thanks Catnip.You gave me a glisten of hope. Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

gemini1, I want to first appologize for jumping in here, but had to add to what Catnip said.<P>These men who decide "they should be in OC life" are selfish, self-centered, jerks! Perhaps it has been pounded into everyones heads over the past few years that all these men who fail to pay child support are jerks, so our H's are under some perverse reaction to "not be a jerk" and be in the OC life. Does that make sense? I know I am rambleing, but it seems that maybe in a goofy way to try and make up for what jerks they have already been, they see being in the OC life as finally doing a "good" thing. Well, in my opinion that is flat out harmful to the child. What the CHILD needs is in no way being considered. The child does not need a sperm donor who then shows up every once in awhile to play dad. The child needs a 24 hr a day, 7 day a week dad. So unless your H is going to leave you & go be that person, he cannot be a "real dad".<P>The right thing for this child is for the OW to find a 24 hour a day dad for this child. And that person should not be your H. Your H needs to pull out and allow this woman & her child to pursue a complete life. <P>I have watched my brother go through this with an OC. He stayed in the OC life. This boy is now 11 years old and is MESSED UP. He has resented why his "dad" didn't live with him. He resented all the things that my brother and SIL were able to provide for their child. The boy feels like an outsider. He is in big trouble at school and has been caught trying to set the couch on fire at home. This may not be what happens to every OC, but in this situation if the OW had simply went on with her life and left my brother out of things, that poor boy might have been a lot better off. <P>I hope you can discuss this with your H in a non-LB manner. Perhaps if he could see that child needs more than he can give he will set HIS needs aside and be a real man about this. <P>Take care... Carolyn

Thankyou Carolyn.<BR>I guess these guys have their own opinion.<BR>I,however know my limitations.<BR>If I should "force" the issue I'm afraid in the future he will hold it against me.<P>Priest sees her destroying her 12 yr M and decision to keep baby is a way to "hold" on to a man who "used" her.<P>He used me too Carolyn.I still can't believe he was doing her during times all of us were together! What must her poor husband think?<BR>He offered to raise baby as his own and she threw him out.<BR>What about the resentment of her 12 yr old girl? and 8 yr old boy? and 6 yr old daughter?<BR>My H wants nothing to do with her and told her in Sept.he will never leave me. He didn't tell me until Nov13.<P>BUT she's continuing preg. unless amnio shows something wrong. Where's the logic in that?That's why my H feels she "trapped" him. Lying about pill.Then saying she couldn't live w/herself if she aborted,then saying she could if somethings "wrong".<P>I honestly don't get it Carolyn. I don't know why he would force this unbearable thing on me and expect me and our son to aquiesce.<P>Thanks for input. Do so any time,ok?<BR> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Gemini1<P>I also apologize in advance for butting into your thread addressed to Catnip.<P>I read "Taking Care's" point about these arrogant men trying to convince themselves that what they are doing is right for the child. What a lot of balderdash! I agree completely that all it does is mess with the child's head and keep the mother/OW longing for what might have been. That, in turn, keeps her playing games that interfere for the next 18 years with your marriage.<P>The OC in my life at 10 wants to know "what is wrong with her" that she never participates in our family events. She is envious of the closeness that we share as a family with our children and of the things that we are able to give our children.<P>I am not bitter towards the OC -- it breaks my heart to think that a child feels so out of place in this world. The best thing for that little girl would have been for her mother to move on, find a husband and give her child a father.<P>A sperm donor is not a father!!! I wish men would understand the difference between bringing a child into a loving home where he or she is wanted and waited for and an affair where there is only lust not love.<P>I believe you should, as Catnip said, let your H read some of the posts on this board and maybe it will wake him up from his euphoria. It is not about what is good for him -- it's about what is good for the child and what is good for your marriage!<P>Hubby has been selfish enough -- he has satisfied his animal instincts -- now he should really grow up and think about someone else's future instead of his. I went through this with my own H so I speak with some authority here.<P>I hope that he will come to his senses. Although recovery is still possible, it will be so much more difficult with this hanging over your head and your son's. I am praying that he sees the light.<P>Sorry to intrude ...<BR>- Heavenly

It's ok,Heavenly. It's not like I can tell everyone what the heck is up.<BR>I cannot accept or feel sorry for baby.<BR>I feel exactly as you said that Mom can dictate things in future. Especially now that he feels guilty and must step up to the plate, so to speak.<BR>I'm not in contact with him at this time and can't be civil enough to speak to him.<BR>He wouldn't care about these threads. I can hear him say,That's not what'll happen with me,Debi.<P>I was trying to think of what I will do to support myself. I quit being a hairdresser 10 yrs ago .My Endometriosis makes my life a wreck 2-3 days per mo. Wish I'd have menopause. I'd have to cancel a couple days work b/cuz of frightning pain each mo. Even though people said it was ok,it wasn't ok with me. Perhaps I might try hooker,oh wait,I must be terrible at that or why else would he give her the most intimate part of our lives?<P>Thanks for input Heavenly. How did you ever accept the baby? Leave me a lot of details on how everything went. The birth,the baby,the child,time spent w/you. Your kids feelings. ok I'll check back.Lord knows I'm so bored I could scream!<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....