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I can relate with a lot of the topics there, but how do I get over the fact that he lied during the ow whole pregnancy, told her personal things about me, especially the fact that I could not concieve, he already has a child from previous marriage who I have come to love, but I don't know if I can accept this ow child, especially since we had to get restraining order so she would not call the houw, and I go through really bad mood swings, she told me that the reason he cheated was I was lacking, he does not have a reason, I just don't know how to deal with all this, the child is almost a year now and the ow started coming to our church with the child who looks just like him.
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Welcome chelsea. I haven't seen any prior posts from you. Sorry you have to join us, but welcome.<P>I know about the raising a child of H from previous marriage. Did that. Now I am raising our two boys. Now he has a 4 month old. There is a lot of pain. But the absolute GALL of coming to your CHURCH! I have heard a lot of really crappy stuff on this board, but that one is a new low.<P>Tell us somemore about where you are at with your H. Are you in counseling? Is he sorry about this? The only way to "get over" all this is to develop a honest & open relationship with your H. But this means he has to be honest, open, and protective of you. Are you reading "Surviving an Affair" or any other material? I didn't think there was any hope at all until I read that. I know I had pulled away from my H, due to attitudes he had, etc. He then used that to defend himself as to why he had an affair. Was he right... NO. But I wasn't either. There is a lot of shared blame. The healing starts when you are both willing to accept your part of this and change what was happening BEFORE the affair.<P>Now as the injured person in all this, I know it is so hard to start talking about yourslef and how you need to change, heal, etc. The problem is with the WS. But the only real path to peace is from inside yourself. <P>Please give us some more insight into what is happening with you.<P>Take care... Carolyn
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chelsea,<BR>ditto what taking care said! I'm also sorry you're in this boat, but welcome to the board. It doesn't sound like you and your H have done any work on your relationship, understanding the affair, etc. and I think that is critical, as is having minimal or NO contact with XOW, esp. by your H!! She's got gall! I really recommend reading affair recovery books and counseling too if you can get it. Keep posting...<P>Best wishes,<BR>Jenny, 2+ years in recovery-woohoo!<BR>
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OP
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I have read a couple of books myself and tried to share with him but his attitude is more of it was just a bad mistake, let's not mention it and it will not be true. As far as counceling, he says why should he tell someone all his business, when he already knows what he did, and no one can tell him why he did it. it is something that he and I just need to work out. She was someone that he was having a sexual relationship with off and on when I met him. He had known her for approximately 4 years. When I confronted him after we started dating, because she kept calling his house, he denied having any relationship with her at that time also and sttuck to the story of them just being friends. When she finally came up pregnant after we had been married two years, he denied that he had anything to do with that also. My sister told me, because she told my sister they had never stopped seeing each other. I just dont know who to believe. Although she knew all of my whereabouts, he denied it and said she was messing with my head???
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Chelsea,<P>Even though you believe the child looks like your H, unless there has been a paternity test I would not be so ready to accept everything this woman says as gospel. <P>It seems like your H was having a hard time weaning himself off of a woman that he was obviously pretty serious about if they dated for four years. But, he did make a choice and he chose you -- don't under-estimate that!<P>Let me tell you, these OW will say just about anything sometimes to cause you pain, or to cause problems in your marriage. I doubt very much that you were lacking in anything. It sounds like your H may be suffering from a bit of immaturity (a very popular disease among grown men) and he may also be manipulated by the "comfortableness" of his long-standing relationship with this OW.<P>He definitely sounds like an "avoider" - one who does not want to face problems but would prefer to hide from them. My H also has that problem. But, I have kept working on him and trying to make him understand that I was going over the affair to help myself understand what happened and to figure out how we could improve our relationship -- not to place blame on him over and over.<P>It took a while because he kept saying that he felt like a criminal who kept getting accused of the same crime. And, he would not open up to me at first. But, when I learned the techniques to talk to him without anger and accusations, he began to understand that I was approaching the situation in order to make it better.<P>That relaxed him a lot and he started to open up to me quite a bit. I am happy to say that we are now communicating better than ever.<P>Bringing the child to your church sounds like it could be designed to drive a wedge between you and your H. So, unless you are already sure the child is his, I would approach with caution.<P>As far as your H telling the OW personal things about you -- I have found that some people are just like that. They blabber everything without even thinking about how you would feel if you heard it. Some people do not have the same regard for privacy of information as others. Telling the OW about your inability to conceive was truly a low blow and one that she could use to hurt you.<P>Don't let her get to you! Your H knew her when he married you so you must have had something special that he found desirable -- that he fell in love with. Believe me she knows that she was the one who was dumped for you. She's trying to make you do the dirty work and cause problems in your own relationship so that she can reap the benefits.<P>Stay strong, stay committed and keep chipping at your H to help you get through this ordeal. Talk to us whenever you feel like it - you will get lots of support and some very good advice from the men and women on this board.<P>- Heavenly
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OP
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Thank you to all of you who responded to my e-mail. I have really found everything that you all said helpful and true. I felt at first as if I were out there alone and it could only happen to me. We are sure because the paternity said so.
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Guess what Chelsea? OW goes to my church too.I go very early Sun morn as I do not want to see her.<BR>I'll change churches as I'm afraid on Mothers day she'll parade her 3 and my H baby to mass.It's due may/1.<P>OH don't ever feel alone honey.We'll all help you.<BR> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....
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<BR>Taking the OC to the same church! This is one of those things that just shocks the conscience. Absolutely appalling behavior.<P>Bystander
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but Gemini are you still with the H? And does he got o church with you?
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Never underestimate the gall of OP!! <P>My H's XOW was a close "friend" of mine and it forever boggle my mind how she was able to LIVE with her conscious while pretending to be my friend, babysitting my preschooler, sending her preschoolers for sleepovers, housesitting, held my hand at my last ultrasound WHILE pregnant with my H's child... how she could keep her pregnancy a secret for 6 months, then let me think it was her soon-to-be-X's, discussed baby names with me and traded baby hand-me-downs, how she could name it after my mother in law (whom she's never even met) then contact MIL with pictures when H had not even told MIL, send my H a Christmas gift&card 4 months after the affair ended, just as if he were a single man, no mention of her former "friends" at all! ETC. ETC....<P>Chelsea, does your H see the OC or can you maintain a "no contact" situation? Perhaps you can, like Gemini, go to church at a different time? I think it's important to keep separate! I'm also concerned that if your H cannot address the circumstances surrounding the affair, he's in danger of them repeating. For instance, my H and I were able to identify his Conflict Avoidance problem, and how hugely it contributed to his affair, plus some communication problems and unmet needs. Without knowing these things, I don't know how we could really recover. I highly recommend the needs and love buster questionaires available at this site, if you can get your H to do them.<P>Thanks for the vent ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <BR>Jenny<P><p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited December 07, 2000).]
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Welcome Chesea,<P>I'm sorry you have to join us under these circumstances!!! I can feel your pain and I can relate...<P>What a hypocrite!!! She sleeps with your H (commits adultery and causes your H to commit adultery) has unprotected sex (before marriage-because of course, she cannot marry your H-because he is married to you!) then has a married man's baby! She has the right to religion and frankly, my dear, she sure needs it, but she doesnt need to flaunt the OC in front of you..Which tells me that she is not in search of God and what he has to offer her and her child (salvation, peace, eternal life) but what she can do to get under your skin, an it seems that she has done it..It is the devil at work, hun, so dont let him get you! As much as you want to poke her eyes out and pull out every strand of hair on her selfish head..Dont let her know she is upsetting you...You have found us now...Vent here! Take it out on us...We can take it and are more than happy to listen. Good Luck and I will keep you in my prayers! ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <P>aloneandsad (maybe I should add bitter and angry, too!!)
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Hi Chelsea,<BR>Not now .I had him "get out" day he told me.See my post on Niece/Her(ow) son. I go to all important things for my niece at church. I didn't go last night. Good thing. She was there w/all her kids! I feel robbed of not being there. My niece asked her Dad,"Where's Aunt Debi?" They told her I didn't feel good.<P>Right now I'm praying to find strength to move ahead without him. No room for "occasional" visits to oc (if it's his) in my marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....
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hey chelsea, I thought that I had a problem, but this is not a problem that can not be solved, this is what you do, dont leave your church, continue to gopray for her and the situation, but remember this everytime that you go to church, be extra pretty so that she can look at you and realize why your husband is still with you and not with her, and make your husband hold your hand in front of her, and the 2 of you go up for prayer together in front of the whole church, and if you and h keep on acting like that then eventually she will leave, because us women cant stand to be defeated... And please believe me when I say if you keep this up then she will be the one to leave the church....
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