This is a revelation we actually spoke about calmly.<P>When d-day happen which is just this Oct he told me of one of the OW, then end of Nov I found a couple of more people he dealt with a hairum. He was thinking if he had abc he would not give anyone quality time so no attachements. No real dating, just give a call I am coming thru, have sex, wipe off and leave until the next time. They all knew of me and one of them had a OC, she won't test so we are in doubt it's his, but one of the other ones did leave a message of loving him.<P>When we talked about the first revelation in October (ow and OC) he told me how good they communicated. When the revelation of the other ones in November he was like they would jump at being in my shoes.<P>The subject of the "FOG" came in place. I told him don't you realize when thing are starting new, in the flirting stages its fun and exciting, just like when we first met. Then when they start enjoying your company too much and you realize they are getting more serious the wanting to be just a sex toy you tell them about me. Now it a whole new ballgame with them, they are now in strategic mode. They have to be at there absolute best, creative, fun and exciting because now they have to get you away from me. He realized this and we talk about it for quite awhile. I believe he knows now that all this fun and exciting time was just a fa'sod (sorry for spelling) on their part to capture his attention,to get him away from me, when he was just getting an ego boost and not even considering a real relationship. I told him if he would spend time with them it would equal out like any relationship he had before me and even ours. Its all exciting and new in the beginning, but after spending quality time it start to level out and it more of a quality relationship. not just a sex game.<P>Well of course I have been in recovery for a couple of months, I believe his has cut it off, will there be set backs? He has changed his cell phone number (which they had), he changed his business cards. however cannot change work number.<P>I believe he understands the "FOG" they get into as far as fun,sex and exciting. I worry because he had at least 3 options of OW can he slow down can he be satisfied by one. He said he only went to them when he was feeling neglected in the bedroom, he felt like it was a chore for me. So he went to the exciting sluts. <P>I knew I did some shutting off because of hurt from other relationship and my first marriage. But now I let my walls down and sometimes when I get aggressive he can't proform. Does this happen to men? He say maybe he bit more than he could chew. He says he has to get use to me being the aggressor in the bedroom. Is this true?<P>Well we have been together 9 years and even yesterday when he suspected I was having a bad day, he said I have to much time and love for you to mess it up behind some BS. All that BS is over.This made me feel secure and happy.<P>Do we sound, even though in a short time, going in the right direction?<P>

I am still concerned about the lack of joint counseling and/or valid effort to determine the root cause to why all this happened in the first place. If you don't get that information out, then you are doomed to repeat history.<P>Reading "His Needs, Her Needs" is helpful. Also, my counselor had me read "Light His Fire" by Ellen Kreidman. He had my H read "Light Her Fire". That may help the two of you understand what your real needs are, so you won't be guessing (and possibly messing up). Your partner "guessed" that you did not need attention in bedroom, so he went elsewhere (or at least that is what you are saying he has said). You cannot be presuming what he needs and wants. And if he wants this relationship he must understand that he cannot just go out and satisfy his urges. That activity is just not ok. <P>He is very ignorant about how women function if he really beleives that all these women are out there just wanting sex. Men may be able to just have sex and walk out, but women usually do not function that way. They want something more (in most cases). <P>Recovery takes LOT'S of time. It may go on for years. And if you think about it, any good relationship is always growing. After all, who wants to be in a relationship that is exactly the same for years & years? Isn't that what causes most of these relationship problems? My H didn't want to work on making our life different. He was actually very content with the patterns we had grown into. Finally I gave up and fell into those patterns also. That was when he started affair. He wanted a growing relationship, but only actually wanted ME to be the one growing while he stayed the same. Don't fall into that trap. You BOTH must be willing to invest in this relationship. Investment means counseling, reading, talking, etc.<P>Take care... Carolyn

Yeah, he knows about how far women get into a relationship when think it is just sex.<P>One of his OW got pregnant and one was leaving messages say "love you". I informed him I don't think well of women who engage in sex with a man who is taken in the first place. But also it not fair for the man to take advantage of a woman for her weakness to satisfy his own needs. He did it to those women. <P>Like I said we do talk about our needs directly, but now we are talking about the whole picture. He knows now that he does not want to jeopardize all the time we have been togther and his family is to protective of me he doesn't want to lose this over BS (OW).<P>I pray he is on the right track. I am going for a STD test on Monday. Hope I am in the clear, because I told him if not, he hasn't seen an agry woman yet. How do I handle this one if test are positive? This also shows you want a woman will do to a married man to get him and relationship into trouble.

vazquezek, Iam so glad you are going for test from what am reading maybe you should see if when you go for test you can get some information on all the sexualy transmitted deasease out there and give them to your husband he needs to know what he is exposing you to. I would be thinking of making him use a condom if you think there is any possibility that he is still having sex with swaprats. The thing my husband was with has herpes and this is how dum this one is. When getting pregnate didnt work she tried telling him that I must have been messing around on him and have it and dont know it and gave it to her. Ugh still makes me soooo mad. Take care with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>Carol Ann