First timer, so excuse any weirdness.

My husband and i have been together for over 12 years, back in October i discovered he was having an A. this A was confirmed by a fluke of modern technology, and when i say fluke, I mean he was seriously out of luck the way i found out.(Of course I had my suspisions because of his actions)
Anyways we somehow made it thru the purchase of a new house, the holidays etc.

I confronted him and he of course denied, but has since then conceided to it having been an EA.The EA has ended, i am pretty sure.

We are now separated in an effort for him "to get his head on straight". He states the ussual I am not sure i want to be married. He goes between blaming me because of the way i treated him and then being apologetic because i don't deserve this treatment from him.

The problem now lies in that there seems to be no end to this "temporary separation". (2months)And its not really a true separation. He comes over saturday night and when we wake up on sundays "we play house", meaning we run the usual routine of family activities but at the end of the day, when the kids are tucked in he goes to the apartment. He has shown up at my doorstep at midnight, 4AM, comes over during the week. We (he sends them as well)comunicate everyday via text messaging or phone. (Goodmornings, waz ups? etc.) sometimes when I'm feeling especially down "i" send him some really pathetic sounding messages, usually w/o responses.

However i have noticed he tends to show up after i've had an expecially bad bout with the texts, does this mean he feels guilty or am i getting thru?

I don't know what to do? He gives me no updates on how he's feeling and the last time i asked (1 month ago)he stated that i was badgering him.
My life is in a major state of limbo, i feel I can't even decorate because if we do split up I can't afford the house.

My children are watching and waiting as well and I worry about what kind of example this sets for them.

Should I continue to wait, give him his time or "call it". I can't help thinking that with a little more time he'll snap out of it, but that doesn't seem to happen and I don't know how much longer I can keep this limbo up.

crunchie,

Go over to the Infidelity boards and read, read, read. Post this question there where others who are in similiar situations can help. Get Surviving an Affair and read that. I also recommend After the Affair. There is TONS of useful info on the Infidelity boards that will make you feel less "weird".

My goodness Crunchie....This sounds like me, perform a search under "zachsmom" and General Questions II and see some of the similarities. we are now on 7 months separated because he needed to figure some things out. We are just now starting to speak of reconiciling (today), as is life is pretty much a mess and he is acknowledging some of the reasons. We have had the constant communication but NOT the visiting etc...He still has a key to the house so our son has a choice of where he wants to go on Dad's night (I usually go to the gym and he leaves when i get home), but he has had a lot given to him. I will give this advice and take it from someone who has incredible frustration and when is this going to end, when he wasn't back home afer a coup[le of months- he was never coming home..It wasn't until a month ago that i found some peace with ME, and backed off that things started to come around...We are getting together tonight and i am excited...Hang in there, as hard as it is--be patient--but also remember you in this whole thing and don't allow yourself to be his "friend" only when he needs it.....start taking care of you... I;ll keep checking in...

Thank-you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We marked 10 weeks yesterday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I don't know if its better or worse. We spoke about the whole thing yesterday, or rather texted each other (it seems sometimes we communicate better that way).

He tells me its not about him and me, its about him having to grow up. He feels he has to be off by himself for a while, a trip he calls it. Doing things for himself. He feels he's not ready to come home and he says he understands if I need to move on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ah........he makes it seem so simple, from the begining of this whole episode I've said I'm not the one that going to make the final move. He's unhappy he should do it, i shouldn't have to make the decision to break up my family. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'll change my mind, and maybe I'm the fool but thats how I feel right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You say 7 months huh, I'm going on 3 and i'm going crazy. I think the hardest part is not knowing the future. Whats worse is not being able to plan the future.

We do the visitation thing together, its more like he's visiting his family, not just his kids. Weird huh! His sister calls it "Playing House". I don't know if he does it because he feels sorry for me, or feels its better for the kids, or if its really what he wants. I guess thats a good topic for our next text session. when we first started talking about separation, he spoke of him taking the kids to his apartment etc. But after only one day of visitation that hasn't ever come up again.????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I try not to harp on the separation when we are together, but sometimes its hard not knowing where we are going!!!!Or where he's coming from!(I truly believe even he doesn't know). I think we need to concentrate on just enjoying the moment, maybe if i keep telling myself that i'll start to believe it.

Well for now I've got to hang it there and be patient! But my fear is that in finding himself, WE will have lost US! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He is teaching me to live w/o him, soon I won't wannna put up with his crap. Its like that Cristina Aguilera song "thank you for making me stronger".

Crunchie, are you out there, I just found this post and was wondering...

I'm still here although not as active as I once was!!

Honestly i found that MB had helped me for a while but it wasn't letting me move on if you get my meaning!

I wish i had good news about my marriage, I don't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Not that he's done anything other than be confused and will continue that way if i let him. I was the one that got tired of waiting for him to come out of his stupor. So I contacted the realtor and have asked him to make an appt with the mediator to begin divorce proceedings.

He hurt me so deeply I know now I couldn't possibly take him back. And its not the poissible infidelity, its the leaving. The leaving our relationship, our friendship, our oneness, the family WE created together. That stopped being important to him and even if he ever decided to come back(I really don't think he would)I can't forgive him for that. I can't ever forget he turned his back on US. Marc Anthony has a song that goes something like..."I can't believe your leaving me in the middle of what used to be our thing"....very appropriate.

I'm in a better place than I was a few months ago, it still hurts but the good moments are coming out on top once again. I miss my husband of 12 years but its almost like he doesn't exist anymore and I'm mourning him and the marriage that I lost.

I'm going out now and planning my life without him and everyday gets easier. My children make my life whole and I know I will someday find the companionship that I am lacking now, untill then I will get stronger on my own!

I'm not too familiar with your history I hope it ends better than mine.

Keep in touch!

Well, well, well..nice to hear from you again...My life has changed too...Read my recent thread(Gen. Q' II/when is enough, enough??) and his thread (Just found out/can't get peace of mind/zachsdad), and you will see where we are at..I am at Plan B (more of No contact-since there is no OW), but I couldn't continue to be his best friend and give him parts of me when he needed it. he was getting the emotional me, the friend me, the taker-care-ofer (is that a word), but still stuck in his guilt and shame with no hope for recovery...I am 24 hrs into NC, and I too have learned that I am a strong person..I love him dearly and want him home, but I need to learn to take care of me and not us...

Keep in touch..this board can be really helpful, I seem to be spending more time on these days..keeps me away from calling him...

D