Well, alot has happened. OW is in different state now. Just found out that H has not told her about us reconciling for fear of her retribution. I am FURIOUS!! He now wants to go to the state she's in and have her sign some sort of paper stating that she will not withhold the OC from him.(Will this hold up in court if it comes down to it?) Then let her know about us. I am feeling confused. I want this to work, but I feel like I'M living a lie and I don't think it should be like that. My H does not understand how I feel and the only reasoning he can give me for this, is that this situation is only going to get uglier and more complicated and he ws afraid if he told her before she left, she wouldn't have went through with moving. Now, in hindsight he feels he should have told her when she was here. I want to get on with our life, I'm tired of waiting. I feel like I'm letting the OW put my life on hold. I need prayers, guidance,and advice from anyone willing to give it.

I am so sorry that he hasn't made it clear to her he is with you and STAYING with you. My H is doing the exact same thing and has yet to tell OW that we are staying together. Uses the same reason, fears retaliation. I am afraid that his failure to tell OW will end up with us divorcing. <P>Anyway, his story about wanting her to sign papers is BS in my opinion. He will be allowed or not allowed what COURTS say. Period. She cannot withhold visitation. Nor will any piece of paper she signs be valid. She could state she signed it under duress and then it is all BS.<P>Why can he not call her and tell her this? This goes straight to Policy of Joint Agreement. Without both of you agreeing on this issue, it is harmful to your marriage. If he doesn't understand that, well he just isn't worried about your marriage.<P>Sorry if I am harsh. Perhaps it is because this rings so true with me. If my H would just tell this person that we are committed I think I could continue to go on this path. But with him still sitting on the fence, I just feel like he is committing a huge LB and it is definately draining my lovebank. <P>Take care... Carolyn

Coffeewife:<P>I am so sorry. I am sorry I have to say this but I don't believe your husband.<P>He doesn't need to chase down OW in another state to get her to sign papers that can only be handled through the courts.<P>By denying you to the OW for supposed 'fear of retaliation' doesn't ring true. How could OW 'retaliate'? She can't do anything without the courts permission. <P>Stay alert and see things the way they really are, Coffeewife, and don't let anyone lead you down the garden path.<P>Prayers...stay strong.<P>Catnip =^^=

coffiewife, Iam so sorry you have every right to be furious. Iam furious for you I cannot understand what on earth this man can be thinking. It sounds like a huge line of bull****. What could she possibly do to him if he told her that he is working things out with you. I just dont understand. I bet he is good at making a doller out of 15 cents. Iam sorry but it sounds like a con. We are all here for you and in our prayers with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>Carol Ann

coffeewife,<P>In a nutshell, your H is wrong. No, the paper wouldn't hold up in court. Is the OC born yet? We were told by a lawyer that NOTHING signed before birth will hold up in court later, that everything can be rehashed even if it went through court. Is your H paying state-recommended level of child support? If your H wants to mandate a certain visitation agreement (IF you agree!), he should go through the courts, not play mind games with the XOW. They will back him up without having to have personal contact. Best to keep everything very business-like and NO solo contact between former affairees!!<P>Your H sounds like a major conflict avoider. So was my H (he still is one, but he knows it and tries to do better). You can read about them and adultery at affairs-help.com.<P>You have every right to be mad. It's not your job to contort your life around his awful mistake. Excuse me, but he needs to get his boundaries up and his priorities straight!!

I think it is BS also. When OW found out my and my H were not splitting up she freaked and called my house, told me it was all my fault, that if I were out of the picture he would see his OC and at all cost she was going to make sure OC knows my H as its father. I politely went to cout and got a restraining order (indefinite) Judge told her she needed counseling! and to stay away from me, not call come near, or anything. How's that for a small victory!