Hi guys(gals),<P> I feel I'm a typical man,(superficial, preoccupied with sex, etc.) so I will ask this on behalf of all the men on this board; Is a good provider enough?<BR> I worked my a** off to give my wife things she never had; a nice, new house, new car, unlimited shopping sprees, pretty much anything we could afford, she could have. This was my way of showing her I loved her.<BR> I encouraged her to pursue a career, If she wanted, ( I wanted her to be able to take care of herself if anything happened to me). <BR> I tried to give her everything she never had, and one of her complaints about our relationship is that I worked too much. <BR> Set me straight, ladies, what is most important??<BR>I realise that I neglected my wife, but I really thought that being a good provider was an expression of love. <P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Ladies,<BR> <BR> I just wanted to say that I grew up in a house full of women, and I love and respect them. I just don't always understand them! <P> <BR> God bles you, <BR> <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Gregg:<P>If your wife ever filled out an Emotional Needs questionaire, it could be a real eye opener for you...and perhaps for her, too. Sometimes we don't know what we really want or need until we are forced to take the time to examine it via some tragedy.<P>In my not so humble opinion, I think sometimes we can do too much for someone, especially our spouse. I know in my own personal situation, I did far too much for my husband. This caused him to take me for granted, expect too much from me and ultimately loose respect for me on some level because I was so available and accomodating. I thought it was my "job" to be a complete and total helpmate, be completely devoted and acquiesce to nearly all his needs and desires. I loved doing for him...it gave me great pleasure, but I didn't know when to quit. <P>What happened, I think, was that my admiration of him and my support became 'common place' and he needed outside validation from someone else. My admiration no longer had any impact on him. I also believe he mistakenly took my kindness for a weakness. <P>It's like children. If you do too much for them, they become demanding and bratty and you do them no favors because no one else can stand to be around them. Then the parents look like fools, manipulated and jumping through hoops, turning their little darlings into obnoxious spawns of Satan, because the kids no longer respect the marshmallow parent. I think it can be this way with our spouses, too.<P>I have revamped my persona in the marriage and the tables have turned where I am now enjoying my husband focusing on me. There is finally a balance here.<P>While I still enjoy doing for him and fussing over him, I make sure it is a 'treat' rather than an expectation of his. I am amazed at the difference in our marriage. And I love being pampering, being the recipient of his attnetions. He seems to appreciate and respect me. <P>My most important emotional need is companionship, sex and closeness. Then I need him to provide financial security, but not at the expense of our interactions. Close behind that is respect, admiration and then family and recreational.<P>If you neglected your wife by working too much, perhaps this was a way for you to maintain a sort of distance without feeling guilty about it. You must have thought "things" could compensate her instead of giving of yourself. A lot of people do this. They get caught up in media advertising thinking "things" will make them happy and somewhere along the line loose each other.<P>I love nice things, Gregg, don't get me wrong. I get a momentary charge out of being able to spend a nickel and not worry about it. But it was just that-momentary. It didn't 'fulfill' me. <P>Now I don't have anything like I did, but I have my marriage and I have a husband who knows what is important in life for the first time in two decades.<P>My guess is your wife got lost somewhere along the way too, and lost sight of what is important. The pretty new 'things' won't dry your tears, keep you feeling loved or comforted and the new car and goodies are poor substitutes for spiritual closeness you can grow old with.<P>There is a new movement towards simplifying one's life. Some people are going from two or three cars down to one, downsizing their homes and not spending, Moms are quitting their jobs to stay home with their kids and best of all, husbands are cutting work hours to spend time with their spouses and children...having dinner together and reconnecting. <BR>I'm glad the tide is starting to turn. Maybe in ten years these message boards here on this forum won't be so crowded with tragic stories.<P>You are in my prayers, Sir.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=

Geeze Catnip I was the same kind of wife for the very same reasons.<BR> I worshiped the ground he walked on.<BR> I don't regret it though.I would do it again because he is a good man,I would not do it as much because like you said it was taken for granted I'd always be there.<P> I like your new found mutual respect. It's what I need to do. Boy is changing hard!<P>Lynton,like catnip said, money isn't everything. It helps to know that. Sure we women love gifts and new things. We need to know by your words and actions that we are truly the love of your life. That's more important than all the "extras".<P>I am learning to put God first in my life.<BR>If we both do that I think He will show us both the right way to be from now on.<P>Don't feel bad about not understanding women,we don't always understand you either!lol......<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Lyton,<P>Catnip pretty much said it all. I highly recommend the Emotional Needs Questionaire!! It taught me a lot about my H! At the time of my H's affair, he was doing all he could to meet MY needs and he couldn't understand why HE wasn't happy! (I thought we were doing great!) Duh--he had needs too!! I really didn't know what they were, and he didn't think he should ask, or know how. Now we know better, with 16 more years of child support to fork out--what a bitter, ugly lesson.<P>Back to your question, I'd ask your wife what HER most important needs are. I hear "The Five Languages of Love" are good to read about this too. "Men are From Mars..." stuff is pretty good, and all the Harley stuff. Women often like help parenting, conversation, romance and such. (OH P.S. I gotta tell you! I tell my husband all the time that housechores are foreplay and then treat him accordingly! )<P>Personally, "things" make life easier up to a point (I especially value being home with our kids), but you can't cuddle up to things, they won't celebrate your successes nor sympathize with your setback, nor smile at your kid's homerun with you like only family could. I learned a great saying when my firstborn was little: "People before things." When faced with a choice, pick people and you probably won't regret it. <P>Best wishes to you Lynton and your marriage! (Your intentions were good; you just didn't know better, and neither did I...)<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited December 09, 2000).]

Lynton, I to had a problem with my H working all the time. I felt like his work was more important than his family. I didnt realize at the time the way our needs differ. I have learned a lot in all of this. I too was that doormat that did to much. I now stay home with my family .There is a lot less money but we are making it. I guess one of the most important things I have learned is to learn how to take instead of always giving.Taking the time to talk and listen is what is important to me. All the money in the world cant buy time. I made a little sign probley 15 years ago It says Happiness is not having what one wants, but wanting what one has. bye for now now with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>Carol Ann