First timer, so excuse any weirdness.

My husband and i have been together for over 12 years, back in October i discovered he was having an A. this A was confirmed by a fluke of modern technology, and when i say fluke, I mean he was seriously out of luck the way i found out.(Of course I had my suspisions because of his actions)
Anyways we somehow made it thru the purchase of a new house, the holidays etc.

I confronted him and he of course denied, but has since then conceided to it having been an EA.The EA has ended, i am pretty sure.

We are now separated in an effort for him "to get his head on straight". He states the ussual I am not sure i want to be married. He goes between blaming me because of the way i treated him and then being apologetic because i don't deserve this treatment from him.

The problem now lies in that there seems to be no end to this "temporary separation". (2months)And its not really a true separation. He comes over saturday night and when we wake up on sundays "we play house", meaning we run the usual routine of family activities but at the end of the day, when the kids are tucked in he goes to the apartment. He has shown up at my doorstep at midnight, 4AM, comes over during the week. We (he sends them as well)comunicate everyday via text messaging or phone. (Goodmornings, waz ups? etc.) sometimes when I'm feeling especially down "i" send him some really pathetic sounding messages, usually w/o responses.

However i have noticed he tends to show up after i've had an expecially bad bout with the texts, does this mean he feels guilty or am i getting thru?

I don't know what to do? He gives me no updates on how he's feeling and the last time i asked (1 month ago)he stated that i was badgering him.
My life is in a major state of limbo, i feel I can't even decorate because if we do split up I can't afford the house.

My children are watching and waiting as well and I worry about what kind of example this sets for them.

Should I continue to wait, give him his time or "call it". I can't help thinking that with a little more time he'll snap out of it, but that doesn't seem to happen and I don't know how much longer I can keep this limbo up.

Its almost like he's living single tuesday thru friday and then becomes married saturday night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Should i wait untill he gets it out of his system? What?????????????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I'm feeling very alone and taken for granted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I know exactly how you feel. Althought I ended this charade last weekend and I am trying really hard to do Plan B. He is finalizing his complete move out but unfortunately, everytime I have difficulty with the children I call him and give him the sob story and feel sorry for me tone of voice.

I had a session with my counselor on Saturday because I am just thouroughly washed out from this situation of him being single throughout the week and become married by wanting to visit with the children on weekends.

What I can share with you, is that you have to take a stance. Let it settle in for a while. The analogy my counselor uses is that you have to think of yourself as a jello. Pick a stance and let it set for a while and see if it sticks.

What I am trying now with my soon to be ex-husband is give him the chance to completely separate from the family so that he can form his own opinion whether or not he truly like being separated from the family.

One difficult thing that I am having to deal with is that, he clearly states that he loves the children but that he is not sure about me because of how angry I can get and how I seem to have a solution to everything but he can't come up with one. He also feels that if it does not go my way, then no way. He could be right. I feel that my anger and resentment is because of the affair. But what I don't know is, if he realizes that the way I act is reflected of the way he treats me. I have often mention that if he could just learn to talk to me like he talks to the other woman and not be afraid of what the reaction may be. People change and I truly buy into that.

He is a good man. He makes a good living. He supports the family well. He does not abuse me. If nothing else, maybe I abused him mentally all this years.

I am willing to change and accept what people and counselors point out to me as my shortcoming. The difficult part that I am going throught righ now is following through with the suggestions (i.e. angry is ugly, etc)

About Me

Married 16 years
Multiple affairs. Seems to happen whenever he feels feels hopeless with our communicationa and marital situation.

Three children, 15, 11, 8

I love him, He is not sure if he loves me

Have made myself beautiful, that I am fully happy with myself....still working on some things, but not major things

Continue to see counselor for self improvement

Same exact thing happening on my end too. My H and I are seperated. The OW lives an hour away. During the weeknights and on "his" weekends with our son he plays family at our house and on weekend nights and "my" weekends with the son, H disappears. He has been saying that if I could just "pull him in" like OW does and fill his needs (affection & admiration) like she does that everything would work itself out. Yes, "admiration" has been pretty tough to bestow on a man who is cheating on you but I have tried to find some honest ways to do it i.e. "you're so good with the baby". Well I tried doing what he said he needed and he continues to communicate with OW. I'm getting the same thing (i.e. him telling me that everything has to be on my terms). I end up feeling so used. I am tired of beating myself up and trying harder when as the book says - marital reconcillation is not going to happen without him ending the A and a period of withdrawl.

This weekend I started Plan B. It's going to be really tough because I enjoy the time he spends with us and I have a newborn and a toddler (so he is helpful when he is around). Also he picks our son up for school every day so I will see him and it won't be a true Plan B. But I'm going to try my hardest not to let him suck me in like he has been able to do the other times I have decided to end contact with him.

I don't know where you all are in the process, but this is really a last ditch effort on my part. It feels wrong (Plan B, not letting him hang out and be a family with me and , in effect, pushing him towards the OW) but I've been telling myself that living like we've be doing isn't working and that I must go this route as a last attempt to save this marriage. The limbo really is killing me. I have resorted to making a check mark on the calander every day that I maintain distance from him (so far, two marks) and I keep repeating the mantra to myself, "I do not wish to have any type of relationship with you other than as co-parents as long as the OW plays any role in your life." I did not send a Plan B letter as is suggested in SAA but I think my feelings are clear enough to him.

I, too, accept responsibilty for some of the things that made him vulnerable for an A. But the A started in August. I had his baby in January. The OW is hanging on tightly dispite several attempts by him to "break it off." I think I've really gotten fed up with this foolishness. It's such a shame.

Well guys, I don't know what to say. I guess its readiness and I'm not ready for plan B. I broke down again on saturday, he swears he still loves me and all that jazz but isn't ready to come back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

I guess looking back our separation started long before he left the house. At first I thought it was in my head (the EA must have been just starting), then he would look at me with hatred in his eyes (I was the jailer keeping him from the OW), later he told me he didn't want to be with men anymore (I didn't know what hit me)then there was just coldness.

But after he's left I've become his text buddy instead of her. (He broke it off, although she continues to make contact)More importantly I think he's starting to see "ME" again, not the "Jailer--creator of all his problems".

So in a strange way things are better, weird huh?

I just hope God grants me patience to see things thru.PATIENCE!PATIENCE!PATIENCE!PATIENCE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Crunchie,

Boy do I completely understand the "jailer" concept. My H's first return home was during Christmas. I used the same metaphor, it was if I were the jailer keeping him from his true love. This made for a very unhappy Christmas. The 2nd time he came home was immediately after the baby was born. Both times I asked him to leave after I had discovered that he was contacting the OW. The first time I "forced" his move back home (by threatening divorce). The second time he moved back due to the baby but made it clear he wasn't there as my husband but as my helper. If I had any piece of advice it would be to not try and force anything because it might backfire like mine did.

If you're not ready for Plan B, then by all means, do Plan A to the hilt. I had to go to Plan B because I was becoming soooo resentful of being used despite the pleasure I take in spending time with him. Also I truly believe that there had become little motivation on his part to change the current situation. He truly is having his cake and eating it too. The most difficult part is knowing that at least in the short term this is going to drive him into the arms of the OW. But I keep telling myself that unless there is a genuine and strong committment on his part to break from her, that it was going to happen in the future anyway. Only do Plan B when you are ready. I've made several failed attempts at this and I think it has ruined my credibility - my H knows I'll cave. So this time, I can't.

Also, one other thing that I learned...for some reason I expected my H to respect my Plan B wishes (i.e. he would not contact me other than to talk about the children and would not come to the house to hang out) but I'm finding out that I have to enforce this as well. He calls me and I have to be the one to either not take the call or cut him off if he starts to chat with me. It all feels so wrong. But as Dr. Phil says "He's doing it BECAUSE HE CAN." The time is right for me now.