I have been a mess since d-day. Some good days alot of bad ones. <P>Once again this weekend, I was unsure of partner contact with OW. I questioned him and he go angry and defensive. He said he just wants to move on. When am I going to let it go and move on. I believe he hates to rehash the OW and A, I guess he feels like his is alway on trial. He can't stand to see the pain on my face. He says he can tell, he hates to see me this way. He is afraid of what he could have lost with me and he says he can't take seeing me in pain and that's why he get defensive or angry when I bring it back up, he wants me to stop the pain and move on. He feels like we will be stuck in this rut forever and feels like we will never move on and that's what he wants me to try. He is concern this will end our relationship if we do not move on. He knows about the trust issues and knows it will be awhile before that is back in me, buthe understands. He is concern with my emotional being, he afraid of my health.<P>Well I kept cool for the weekend and he brought up the subject of OW's because I asked about his cell phone. He showed me his cell phone and his phone book to show me he has nothing to hide and that's why his had been bringing in his phone to the house ( he alway kept it in his car). He said he is in control of contact and there has been no contact. He change his cell phone number and said they do not even call at work. I again asked for re-confirmation and he calmly said no, there has been no contact. He said everything at home is better we have communication and meeting each of our needs. He feels good about us and feels our relationship will be more than it ever been. <P>I told him my concern of contact because it starts as innocently flirting, then ask you to come over then that's it, A. He agreed, but he said the A was happen because the emotional needs were not being met. And as most men that means sex. He felt having sex with me was a chore. I agreed, because my needs for attention and importance in his life was not being met for me. So we both neglected each other.<P>We both agreed on this. We both are communicating much better, playing and joking, coming out of our shells with each other. I think we are letting go of all our walls and really opening up. <P>I know I need to stop asking questions about the OW's and A to move on and repair our relationship. He promises there is no chance of an A if we keep communicating as we do.Working together. Confiding in each other. Talking to each other and making each other of our feelings good or bad. Being best friends. I told him we should be both of our bestfriends. If anything is bothering him in our relationship he should come to me and talk and no one else. He said your right and that was probably my fault of the A by not coming to you and talking. This made me feel good. He took ownership of the A.<P>I will have to bite my lip and back off with the questioning. Do you think I am in right direction? We are in the third month of recovery. One of his A was two years ago when we broke up for a couple of weeks that ended with possibly with an OC ( which he feels no connection and no desire to have a connection). The other A with OW's were speratic and just for self satisfaction. Nothing on regular basis just when he needed attention. No one special OW, easier to manage, I suppose. These are the ones I question alot. He says they do not call him at work and he has control. There is not contact, they ment nothing to him when he was with him and now they are gone, no contact. <P>He tells me he change his cell phone number to make me feel more secure and changed his business card and they only have the work numbers.<P>Am I at a point of letting it go as far as questioning about the A's and OW's? He know I still have trust issues and he still calls me to let me know where he is. It's almost like I am afraid to let go, to take a chance. I guess I am going to have to let go and just work on the now and present. Make my relationship better and better, like it is going. <P>What are you thoughts? Can anyone please guide me, like I said this is the third month since d-day.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by vazquezek (edited December 12, 2000).]

Vazquezek, Has he told you in no uncertain terms that A could never happen again with any woman? Has he reassured you of that?<P>My H told me that and the look of hurt in his eyes and sound of his words in telling me reassure me. I know it will never happen again. I do trust him. My big thing is the baby, not A.<BR> Every time you bring her up I feel she has power. My H let me write down all my q's and we answered them in front of our priest. It took enormous pressure from my mind.It was my imagination that drove me crazy. <P>I was able to ask when. How frequently. Where? Every thing I was wondering. Even if he told her "I love you". He answered all without fear. Have you done this? It will rest your mind honey, after all, he's with YOU!<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Yes I have all my questions that were on my chest answered.<P>He did tell me that as long as we are meeting each other needs and communicating there will not be any reason for an A. That there is no reason for him to go to another woman.<P>We even made a pact that if either one of use get any wayward thoughts or not happy with anything to do with the relationship, our own being or with each other, we will communicate it with each other first and only. He realizes that going to others for comfort or answers was wrong. Obviously he let the OW fog his thinking that they were the answer to evidentually pull him completely away from me. <P>He said he would never leave me for OW. He will not ever do it again. He would not cause the pain or put our relationship in jeopardy. He says he Loves Me only. He has too much time with me, he loves my kids as if they were his own and his family adores me. He is not going to lose all of this out of selfishness or BS.<P>I now can only give it to God, and he will protect me. I can only do and be a good person as I always was. Recognize his needs and make my needs known to him and make our relationship the best it will ever be.<P>Trust will take time. Why is this a big hump to go over? When we forgive shouldn't we trust fully?

You said "when we forgive shouldn't we trust fully". In my opinion, NO! This person has proven that he can be untrustworthy, so I think the trust must be Earned back. My H has been very understanding of that. I think the straying person should be, should know that lying to their beloved forces us to need new and special guidelines as proof that we really want to recover with us and us alone. My H and I used the guidelines in "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring. This book is sympathetic to both partners' points of view. Of course the straying person would like to "just forget it" and your questions should be limited, but it is critical to get enough information to get comfortable with him again.<P>I'm in a rush. Hope some of that made sense!<BR>Good luck!<BR>J

V:<P>I agree with Jenny. Trust must be earned. <P>The first few months after discovery are so difficult because our confidence has been destroyed, our sense of self has been diminshed and our trust has been violated in such a way that the damage done to us by our WS have long reaching, permanant fallout, especially in our case where OC's are a result of the betrayal.<P>I once heard that trust and forgiveness can only come when the Betrayed Spouse feels JUSTLY COMPENSATED. When your husband has demonstrated enough remorse to satisfy you, answered all your questions HONESTLY and reassured you, has shown you for many months that he is committed to you and to your marriage, and when you feel as though you have been JUSTLY COMPENSATED, you will no longer be in constant need of reassurance or keep mulling over and over the same questions. <P>It is up to your husband to answer any question you ask, reassure you and help you heal. He did the damage, now he must assist you in the healing process.<P>All WS are defensive, angry and annoyed that we don't just move forward in the beginning. They don't realize the depth of our pain and the difficulty we have in regaining all that has been stolen form us. We often behave in an unflattering needy way for a while until we stabilize and get our bearings. We have suffered trauma unlike anything we will ever have to go through. On top of this horror, we are also doubly betrayed when we receive the news the our spouse has done the worst possible thing that a man can do to his wife; impregnated someone else while married to us.<P>So, while I agree it isn't good to harp and carry on about what has happened and that it is important to come here to vent and rage instead of lashing out at these fragile WS's, the true burden of the recovery lies with the WS. They do owe us something remarkable after what they have put us through, after changing our lives forever.<P>If they are truly remorseful and sincere, it is our obligation to graciously accept their apologies, forgive them, refrain from 'beating them up' verbally with their wrongdoings, and move forward best we can.<P>Counseling is a good launching pad to facilitate a speedier recovery. If your spouse is willing to go through the discomfort of having to face the demons with counseling in an effort to restore the marriage and demonstrate his desire to help you heal, it will be painful and uncomfortable for him, and for you, but putting it all out on the table and dealing with it all at once is like ripping a bandage off the wound quickly. It may sting for a moment, but the healing beings immediately.<P>Catnip =^^=