My H seems tobe making a lot of progress with regards to my feelings,so I thought.He was actively avoiding ow call,refusinfg to speak to her ,days on end.Also he was only going to see the baby once in 3 weeks.She finally showed up at our place of business,becasue he had not called, and *****ed him out for not seeing the baby in so long.He sent her off within 5 minutes because I was about to return there.Anyway,he went to see the baby a few days later because of his guilt.THat was yesterday.Today the ow ,oc and her mother are going to their home country for a visit during the holidays.This morning I find out he met them at the airport to see them off.He won't see the baby for about 6 weeks,but do you think it was necessary for him to see them off?She supposedly has had a boyfriend for3 or 4 months(friends have seen them out together several times).Where was he?Am I over reacting?

Blue:<P>A lot of WS are Conflict Avoiders. Their spines turn to mush when chided or guilted by almost anyone. Especially in this situation.<P>While he probably doesn't want any contact with OW, her combative, threatening and offensive stance has made him cave to her demands. For some reason he feels he must give in to her or suffer the fallout. Whatever he thinks that might be.<P>I guess you have to discuss with him openly and honestly why he feels as though he must give in to her damands and find out what exactly it is he is afraid of. It's probably nebulous and does not carry any real overt threat, but something underlying he can't describe himself. <P>It's probably old fashioned (misplaced) guilt. Remind him you are behind him 100% and he need not feel that he has to cave to her demands every time she opens her yap. In fact, if he wants to spare himself from years of being held emotionally hostage, it would be wise for him to address this 'guilt' or whatever it is and get some professional help, some spiritual guidance, and cling to you as he promised during your wedding vows.<P>Just a suggestion, just my opinion.<P>Catnip =^^=

Any ideas will be appreciated,thanks.

Blue,<BR>as so often the case ( ), I ditto catnip: conflict avoider and all that. My H was willing to face this trait in himself, acknowledge it is a big part of the cause of his A, and willingly change his own behavior. I'm not saying it's easy, but when I see him make THAT effort, I know he is serious about saving our relationship, even when facing a conflict is uncomfortable for us. <P>Have you both agreed to boundaries re: the XOW? You said:"He sent her off within 5 minutes because I was about to return there." He should have sent her off ASAP whether you were going to be there or not!! Most couples agree to no solo contact between former affairees; that is healthiest for your marriage. You said: "he went to see the baby a few days later because of his guilt." Again, why the solo contact? Also, he is going to have to realize his relationship with the OC, if he wants to have one, should be consistant on his part irregardless of what the XOW does or does not do, for years to come. The relationship now is only in regards to OC, right? He is not suppose to be HER plaything! He is YOUR H. If you agree to his having visitation, he can get the courts to back up his visitation agreement, which should be the baby visiting your home or elsewhere, not at the OW's. You said: "do you think it was necessary for him to see them off?" ABSOLUTELY NOT! His behavior is wrong. It continues their relationship inappropriately, whether he means it to or not (which is your call). Is he doing these things against your wishes? Is it really "over"? I would wonder.<P>Sorry if it came out harshly, but you did ask for opinions.<BR>Good luck and keep posting!<BR>J

My H has always gone to see the baby by himself.The OW and I don't get along at all.He met her a year after we separated.They lived together for 8 months.After he told her he was thinking about moving home,she got pregnant.This from a woman who vowed never to get married or have children.She is a 31 year old professional student.As for taking her to court,he refuses.Even though she has refused to let him see the baby several times because she gets pissy.He has seen the baby on a very regular basis and he takes very good care of her finacially.Both my H and the ow are from the same country,Iam American,so their views on these issues are very differnt than mine.He thinks that she as the oc's mother has the right to say whether or not I see the baby,but lately he is changing his views on that.She even suggested that after the 1st we start taking the baby for weekend.The problem is we have 3 boys who know nothing of this situation.their ages are 8,10 and 1 year.So ,we have to figure out how of if to tell them.