Heavenly, I read your reply to ktgirl. I want more than anything to feel the way you do. How do you get to where youre at. I look at my Grandson and see OC. I see a pregnate women and see OW. I see teenagers on tv saying how they dont want to get a sexauly transmitted deaese or get someone pregnate and think why could my husband not have though of that. What do you do when these awful thoughts just wont go away. I want me back, I think Iam getting there and bam Iam gone again. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>Carol Ann

flowerseed,<P>You asked such a simple but deep question that I had to give it a great deal of thought. How? How did I get to where I am.<P>First of all, I have been struggling with this issue for a very long time. My H's OC is the oldest in the bunch at 10 years. But just like you, after you had repaired your marriage after finding out about the A and the possibility of the child being your H's; my H and I suffered a setback last year that put me emotionally right back where I was when the OC was born.<P>I know how you feel when you say you go to work and just your body is there. At work I was disoriented and would disappear in the ladies room to cry. I could not concentrate on anything except the OW, the OC, and the hurt and betrayal. I was a victim deserving of any Harlequin romance novel and I continually asked my H why did you do this to me after all I have done for you?<P>My H was just like yours, he was willing to do anything to prove that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We knew that we were not going anywhere on our own so we went to see a counselor.<P>Our counselor turned out to be a rip-off artist but he did, at least, give us some great basics to start building on. We had never fully cleared the air about the A. The counselor made us understand that it was essential to lay all those issues to rest before trying to build our relationship. As hard as it was, he told my H that he should answer all of my questions without anger - even the difficult ones.<P>And for me, he told me that there would never, ever be an excuse that made what happened right so I should stop looking for a reason. That was so hard for me because I kept asking, why, why, why?<P>My H and I talked about the actual A, but more than that, we talked about what was happening between us at the time that made him reach out to someone else. We talked about how to improve our own communication and how to rebuild trust.<P>In my case, my H was telling me that he was working overtime when in reality he was sneaking over to OW's to see the OC. After I found out, when he really did have to work overtime on his job, he asked me to come with him or he would call me every hour or so to reassure me that he was at work.<P>For my part, I started reading everything I could find on relationships and adultery. There are many wonderful books available at the library that offer an uplifting view of techniques for saving and improving relationships. These books also point out how different types of personalities view adultery.<P>Those books helped me to think about myself -- how much I was willing to accept, what type of relationship I wanted to have. Once I started surrounding myself with positive things, I felt a new desire to work towards restoring my marriage.<P>Marriagebuilders has been a tremendous help. If you have not done so, go back and read all of the principles that Dr. Harley has placed on this internet board. They are like a beacon lighting your way to healing and rebuilding.<P>I have always been a devout person, but I placed my trust completely in God and prayed for clarity of mind to help me sort out my situation and to find the ability to forgive. Every morning I would start my day by reading a passage from a daily devotional book and the corresponding passages from the Bible.<P>Truly forgiving took the longest time. I have only recently really forgiven my H -- accepted his human frailty, accepted that he made a mistake but deserves to be given another chance, and decided that we must live our life in love as though there has never been a tear. <P>And, at the end of the day, Carol Ann, is there any other way to live? We cannot change history. If we choose to stay with our wayward spouses then we are, by default, accepting the fact that the OW and the OC did happen. What do we get out of living every day crying about the past and worrying about the future? Absolutely nothing. That only means that the OW has succeeded in destroying our lives and I am not about to let that happen. <P>I look at my H now with a pure heart, free of anger. I have told him that I am trusting him again with my heart and he knows what the consequences will be if he fails our marriage again. <P>Of course, there are days when sad thoughts creep back in -- those days come and go and I guess that will always be the case. But now, they don't debilitate me and disrupt my entire life the way they used to. Now, they are in perspective -- they belong to the past, to a stupid mistake that we have tried so hard to overcome. <P>You have just had the DNA results a few months ago, so even though the OC is 4 years old, it is like the OW giving birth again. Give yourself time to readjust your feelings. Read as many positive books as you can. Read through Dr. Harley's principles. I believe that you are on the right track, just from the balanced way that you look at life and the advice that you offer to all of us.<P>Unfortunately, the feelings have to run their course but you can help them by balancing those negative feelings with positive ones from self-help books or the Bible.<P>I hope I have made some sense, my kids are in the background driving me crazy as I am writing this. And, I love that sound because it is real life, real love, real family -- the OW and the OC in your life will NEVER have what you have because your H wants YOU.<P>We are both truly blessed women. You will get there, Carol Ann, just give yourself a little more time.<P>All my best wishes and prayers,<BR>Heavenly

Heavenly, Thank you for your reply. I know all about kids in the back ground. Thats why my post are usually so short. I have confused you jumping from from one oc to another. The one you refer to as 4 is actually about 6 now she was 4 when the mother came after child support. This one was from cheating on his first wife. I just happened to be the one that had to deal with the women calling me up staying she had my husbands at this time we where living together dauther and wanted money. I knew about this child he always said it wasnt his she wouldnt get test done. This is the one that named little girl his first middle and last name. She expected him just to sign papers. He ordered test done and test proved that he was not the father. If that wasnt awfull enough about 1 year after this ordeal he started a affair with a girl that worked with him. I had feelings that something wasnt right. She would call and I trusted him so I would believe it was just to do with work. In the spring of 99 I told him I couldnt take anymore of the way we were and wanted to end relationship we had been together 5 years at this time. That was when he told me he had a one time fling with someone and there was no way possible that there could be anyone pregnate. I had myself conviniced that someone this upset over what he had done must really want things to be right. I actually even felt sorry for him. I married him in July we had a wonderful wedding. Things where going really good until one day in Nov the phone rang. It was this girl he had worked with. There would be no reason for her to be calling anymore he had quit that job and didnt work there anymore. She hung up on me when I told her he wasnt home. I called her back and asked if she was the one he had messed around with she admitted it and I asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted to know if he wanted to see his son 2 weeks old son my whole world fell apart. He had lied to me about everything he also knew about her being pregnate. The sense of betrayal is worse than anything I have ever delt with. I asked her what did she want money she said no. Well guess what Jan 2000 we were served with papers from the police. Test where done and it is his started paying support in may 2000.What a wonderful new year. I was doing fairly well until this fall now she going after our income tax. Plus she had been running around telling people that he dosent pay support which is bull they take it right out of his paycheck every week even if it leaves us with nothing. This child was born at the same time as my grandchild they are 2 weeks apart. I think my biggest problem at this time is the trust. All the lying he did really bugs me. This was a 6 month thing not the one time ordeal with a stranger that he had me believe it was. Oh what a mess, I feel much better already just getting that all out. I think I wrote a book. thanks again heavenly with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>Carol Ann