I learned from my husband last weekend that he had an affair a year and a half ago. He also told me that he has a six month old daughter from the affair. He says he had to tell me because he couldn't live with the guilt any longer and didn't want to start our 2001 in lies. He also wants to be involved in his daughter's life. The woman he had an affair with was a worker at our daughter's day care. Incedentally she has three other children by two other men. He claims the relationship was purely sexual. He admits and agrees he needs counseling for learning to deal with issues of marriage and job stress.<P>We have been married for 4 years and have two children. I have decided to stay with him and give our marriage a chance for recovery. I truely think I can deal with his infidelity. My biggest problem is knowing that this other woman will be in our lives forever. And the thoughts of how I will accept another child of his by someone else into our lives tortures me. I am troubled at what to tell my family and when I should tell my children.<P>He has agreed to whatever terms of reconciliation I set. Of course I have stipulated: counseling for him, me and us. no contact with the other woman unless we are both involved. i decide when our kids will find out. complete disclosure in email, phone calls, whereabouts, etc.<P>He is very remorseful and full of shame and my worries of another infidelity pale in comparison to those of the "new" people that will be in our lives.<P>Any advice on my situation would be appreciated.<P>ZebraBaby

zebrababy,Welcome to our sad group. So sorry to hear your pain. Has the OC and your H had DNA test yet? My H told OW when she was preg that if she choose to keep baby she would have to find someone else to be father. There are some other ladies with your same problem Iam sure they will be along soon to help you out. I just couldnt even consider telling our child of this uglyness. Iam so sorry you have to be dealing with this. It has to make things much worse. Come and see us as often as you feel the need we are all here for you. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>Carol Ann

Zebrababy:<P>You're in good company. Your story is similar to ours and we are all facing the fallout from the actions of our spouse and the life long responsibilities we must endure if we want to stay in our marraiges.<P>You will find that many here have found renewed commitment in their marriages along with the challenges.<P>You are not alone and we will all be here to help you through the next few months. <P>You've come to the right place. This is where you come to learn the Harley principles and the policy of Joint Agreement and the Rules of Honesty and Protection and the many other tools we use to repair and resotre our marriages. Take time to read all the posts, go back through the archives and familarize yourself with the stories and the advice we have given each other. You will find a lot of support, advice, genuine care and concern.<P>Most importantly, study the Harley principles and rules and get to know the tools available to you so you can begin healing, figure out what needs to be done and to determine what you can deal with.<P>Post often. <P>Catnip =^^=

I am so very sorry for the position you are in right now. Never in a million years does anyone "expect" to be in this situation. My H was with a daycare worker too at our daughter's daycare - what is the deal with that(?) I understand EXACTLY where you're coming from. I don't mean to be a pessimist, however, in the alterantive your H does seem a lot more remorseful and cooperative than my H ever has and the child just turned 2 years old. Nonetheless, this "intrusion" into our lives (for me) only gets more compliated and painful as time goes on. My H - when I freak out because he sees OW and OC without my knowledge or consent, etc. he talks about how this child is "his responsibility" and he is "innocent", yada yada yada. He fails to remember his "responsibilities" to me and our D. I have slowly evolved into a bitter woman, who I believe (although terrifying to me, that my H betrayed me) I could have healed from that - now I truly believe I will never heal from it because of the added bonus of a child. I pray every day that I will have the strength to break free from this shell of a life. Please, if your H is remorseful and willing to work "with you" instead of "against you". Give it 110%. Read everything you can get your hands on for encouragement by Harley and others. That and this Bulletin Board have been a great source of strenght for me. My in-laws are now very much involved with OC and in my opinion have no respect for me by "carrying on with OW and her family as if they are one big happy family." I've been so hurt, betrayed and humiliated by feeling as if I'm taking a "back seat" to this farce this OW gloats on and uses to push my H's buttons. Whether or not he is romantically involved with her or now - I will always wonder - never know - and actually it doesn't matter - his "responsibility" to this illegitimate child out of some warped sense of guilt - supercedes anything we could ever have together. I have tried to overcome it and tried to think positive. I have threatened, cried, and died a 1,000 deaths over this occurrence that has forever changed my life. I have definately become a stronger person - but there surely were more pleasant ways to learn those lessons. All I'm trying to say is - don't repeat my mistakes - if your H is not 110% of the attitude that your marriage is 1st and foremost - he will probably never feel that way and you will be like me 3 1/2 years down the road - wondering why you stayed. Please, understand that these OW can be very very manipulative and will use this child and that "guilt" to get to them and keep them vulnerable. It's a very dangerous combination of things for most men to contend with. I think it takes a very strong man to "stick to their guns". I obviously don't have one - and I deserve better. Make sure you do!<P>------------------<BR>

As the others have said, welcomme, but sorry for the reason you are here. My husband also has an OC that he/we have never seen. The child is 7 years old on Jan 3rd. He feels that contact with her is counterproductive. She is in another state and he does not believe that a "father" who visits her once every six months is not good. He also felt that the immpact on our children was not worth seeing this child.<BR> Sometimes I feel that we should get involved because I do not know what kind of life she is living. But, I am not ready to deal with the fallout. My children except the 24 year old do not know about their half sister. My youngest fear is how our 7 year old son reacts when he learns of her and figures out she was conceived while I was pregnant with him. <BR> Stand your ground. Lay down the rules and make him toe the line. If he can't do this than move on. Even after 8 years, I wonder not so much about her but if there might not be another. Yet he tells me he loves me every day and every night. And also he has told me numerous times that if he couldgo back and make different choices, he would. If he could undo his affair he would. So we are still together and I am stronger for it. I do know that I can move on and will move on if I ever learn he has cheated again. I will not go through that PAIN again. Good luck to you, and remember yourself in all this mess. You are a very important person and a special person. You deserve better, your children deserve better and if he refuses to do right by you all then he is not worthy of you. Good-bye for now, I am Texasgirl.

zebrababy, welcome, to our sad little club. not that we are all sad, just this terrible situation we find ourselves in.<P>i wish you strength if you can accept the OC. we have no contact. my H never wanted it and i know in my heart i couldn't have stayed. it is a tough decision that only you can make. glad you found this place. it is wonderful.<P>happy_girl

hello zebrababy, my name is senteousme, and I am going through the same thing that you are going through. My h/ and i were broke up for 1 year , when we got back together i got pregnant and he did not tell me that he had gotton someone ealse pregnant, the baby was 3 months old when i found out , and she was still pregnant when we got back together, and i cant except and will not except the baby, i cant except him sometimes, because of the way tht things went down,, i will tell you this, it is going to be a lot of days when you just think about the other baby and get mad... but you just keep your head up and God will help you throught it...<BR>thank you for helping me, i thought that i would never find someone that i could talk to about this, and i thought that i was the only one that was going through this... <BR>signed , senteous me....

please see new post dated 01/01/01 for my update!<P>zebrababy