After 10 months of trying to deal with the Infidelity, pregnancy, restraining order, her visiting our church, counseling for me, medication for me and all the lies, it is now time for me to let go. I seem to be at the end of my rope here and finally went out and rented an apartment. My only feelings are of guilt, that when I do leave he will not be able to pay for the house we purchased one day before she had his OC. I don't truly understand my feelings of guilt, but they are there. When I initially posted to this site, I failed to mention the whole story, not just the infidelity but the chat rooms that he constantly stays in. No time for me but always time for adult chats, if you get my drift. Now that we are down to the wire with me moving, he wants to try over, and I have been the only one trying for 10 months to get over the A and the OC and all the lies. I will come home from work and he hurrys and closes chat pages, he has recieved pictures and even sent pictures of himself. All very disturbing to me and I am tired, tired, tired. Please respond, pray and hope that I can do this on my own. They have not established support for the OC yet because he is fighting for 50/50 custody and it is still in court. I know that it would pain me deeply to have to visit with the child since for so long I have wanted a child and have only been successful in having 3 miscarraiges and been told numerous times that I can not have children. Please pray for me. Love you all. Chealsea

chelsea- i am so sorry you have had to make this decision. it is so unfair that it seems like so many times it is the faithful spouse that tries so hard to save the marriage. i don't know how some of them do it, if my H didn't put in his part i would go crazy.<P>you will be in my prayers. that you can do this by yourself and i pray you find someone who will love you like you deserve to be loved. <P>oh, and DON'T feel guilty about the house. focus on YOU and your sanity and happiness.<P>love, happy_girl

Dear Chelsea:<P>This decision you are making has been well thought out (?)<P>Sometimes it takes a crisis to shakes things up and make the WS see what he or she is loosing. <P>You reach the end of your rope, you make a decision to move on, the WS realizes this and panics. The WS suddenly wants to start over and make amends and work on the marriage that he or she has been neglecting since D Day.<P>Familiar story. It happened to me after nearly six months of working on the marriage alone, dealing with my own trauma and trying to heal myself. When I just couldn't stand one more minute, my husband KNEW I had every intention of moving on. That's when he 'got religion'.<P>In spite of his problems, he has, for the most part, been working on repairing and restoring the marriage since May 1999, only faltering when the pressure of the fallout from the OW/OC threw him into a tailspin of remorse and shame. <P>It isn't easy, Chelsea, and it takes a long time to recover. Years. <P>Like you, I cannot have my own husband's child and must live with the excruciating knowledge that there is some strange woman out there that was able to conceive and give birth to a child that should have been mine...that I was the only one entitled to have my husband's child, yet a stranger was able to accomplish what I could not.<P>I had twenty years history with my husband and until this all happened two and a half years ago, I loved my marriage, my life and my husband, and we were happy. That's one of the reasons I stayed. I really wanted it to work. You have to really want your husband, really want it to work. There has to be something there for you to hang onto; hope, faith, compassion or knowing your husband truly, deeply in his heart wants to reconcile with you and make you his one and only priority, putting aside everyone else, esecially the OW and OC, if this is what you want and need.<P>Some people are able to welcome the OC into their lives. There may even come a time where I may be able to, though I highly doubt it. It would be too painful and too threatening. Everyone must examine their own limitations and it is up to the WS to honor and respect that. After all, they put us into this position and I believe they should acquiesce to the BS's wishes. The marriage comes first-always.<P>I understand your heartache, your despair and your desire to get out of the pain. I just hope you know in your heart what is right for you. To thine own heart be true.<P>God bless<P>Catnip =^^=

Chelsea,I wish you well.... How did you try for 10 months? <BR>As far as oc....I was only able to have my 21 yr old son.I too, had problems,and back then there were none of the things today they have to help.He would sometimes say how he'd wish we had more.<BR>Now he gets his wish...if it's his..... <P>I wish I could fast forward my life....I need so much to feel like smiling again.<P>I hope you get what you deserve from life. You sound like a wonderful person.<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

chelsea, I wish you the best dont feel guilty about the house its only a object you are what matters. Alot of people dont see what they have until they dont have it anymore. I wish you the best and hope you find the peace you deserve. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>Carol Ann

Chelsea,<P>I know your heart is aching, especially considering the time of year, but please know that one day all of this will be ony a distant memory. Catnip and I have similar stories...marriages of 20+ years when we learned the dream-shattering news.<P>H and I are still together after 2+ years working on rebuilding. Each day is still a tough challenge for me, especially since we have regular, weekly visitation which means contact with OW. The reality that OW will be in our lives forever because of contact w/OC has been the hardest part. As I said to H the other night, we can't put the A "in the past" because in many ways it is part of our present and future since we have OC in our lives. I have grown to love OC (2 years old) and enjoy her most of the time, but she is still living proof of my H's betrayal of me, our family, and our marriage. THAT is the tough part about having her in our lives.<BR>Our recovery is still "a work in progress" and, as Catnip said, will continue for many years. <P>Having said all this, I want to add that I am NOT suggesting that this be your decision too. Each of us must look at our particular situation and decide what we can and cannot live with, and proceed accordingly. I love my H with all my heart, but sometimes wonder if I have made the right choice. I'm sure you are wondering that about your decision too.<BR>But you must go with what you feel is right for YOU. <P>As for your guilt, forget it, and don't let him make you feel guilty either. You are dealing with enough at this point, and if he can't pay for the house, he can sell it. I'm sure your name is on the mortgage, etc., but you can sign off when the time comes. Right now, you need to put everything else aside and concentrate on healing, because you will reach a point that you cannot function at all if you don't. Been there, done that. In fact, I still have horrible days when I must take life not one day at a time, but one hour at a time. <P>As for his apparent change of heart and desire to work on rebuilding: that's all fine and dandy, but YOUR primary focus must be on YOU right now. You will need a great deal of physical and emotional strength to deal with many realities of this situation. The legal stuff you will have to go through involving custody, visitation, child support, etc. is horrendous, especially if you are dealing with an OW like the one in our life. Also, it seems to me that the fact that you have had such difficulty trying to have a child can only add more pain for you. So you need to be kind to yourself.<P>I think your H has many issues he must deal with personally before he can ever hope to be a good H or a good father. Here we have a man who has betrayed his wife, been involved in an A resulting in a child, not worked to help his wife in rebuilding the marriage, and still spends in adult chat rooms. And YOU feel guilty?!? <P>Chelsea, my dear, take care of yourself right now. Moving into your own apartment does not mean things will never work out. But you alone cannot make them work out. I believe you are doing the right thing for you. If your H really wants you and your marriage, HE must do some work in that direction. In the meantime, go on with your life, concentrate on your own needs, and move forward without him. If he wants your marriage to succeed, he'll catch up with you. If he doesn't, you have lost nothing.<P>Love, anniem<P>My heart aches for you, dear Chelsea, <p>[This message has been edited by anniem (edited December 19, 2000).]

Dear chelsea, <P><BR> "If you love him, let him go. If <BR>he doesn't return, he was never yours <BR>to begin with."<P> God bless you,<BR> <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

This is the end and I just wanted you all to know that I have tried. Thank you all for the advice. I gave this to him today and recieved no response from him whatsoever. <BR>I just wanted to write you this letter to let you know how I am feeling and all the feelings that I have had since I found out on "D-Day". That is the day that changed the course of our lives forever. When we met and started dating, we both believed that we had a mutual respect for and liked each other well enough. After considering our options, we both came to a point in our lives and felt that marriage would be the sensible thing for both of us. Neither of us wanted anymore children, just a home for his son (by a previous marriage) to come to. Taking into consideration that since Monica could not bare children, they decided not to talk of it. On October 18, 1997 at 12:00pm, Husband took wife to be his lawful wedded wife, and they promised to LOVE, HONOR AND CHERISH for the rest of their lives. After leaving the place of marriage they went home and began what they thought would be a lifetime of happiness despite the ups and downs. The first year of marriage was a little rough although most of the rough spots seemed to be in ironing out the differences in the "living together all the time stage" and the "who is really going to be the boss role". Monica at that point subtly changed her ways as far as the friends that she associated with because Dee did not want her around anyone who had the audacity to cheat on his/her spouse. So Monica let those friends go, as Dee had stated firmly in his conversations to her, she was his wife now and that meant putting away the things she did before she got married. So life went on. Monica ached for a child and at one point thought she might be pregnant. She proceded in taking a pregnancy test (secretly) as Dee was adamant he wanted no more. Pregnancy test negative! She was relieved and saddened, relieved because of his wishes and she had already had (3) miscarriages and saddened because she thought maybe this time it was really going to happen. Well life went on and they sometimes argued over the ex-friend/lover/whatever? With Dee refusing to admit that he had ever had a relationship with this person, that they had only been friends and that they had never had a physical relationship and telling Monica that she should stop being paranoid and don't listen to what everyone says. Still in the back of her mind she wonders. <BR>Year (2) the relationship is moving on and they are planning to purchase a home and take the "Honeymoon" they had always wanted. They had purchased (2) nice vehicles and they were about to take a real vacation, her first time meeting his family and then purchase a home. How much more happier could they get? They go to South Padre Island on October 18, 1999 and have a wonderful time. They spend time with his family and his son and Monica's heart is smitten over his son, they bond and become a family. Monica, Dee and Jeremy. Over the course of the next few month's Jeremy comes to visit, then is planning on coming again for the summer. Everything is going so well. They even during the first year of their marriage joined the church together. Well plans went along smoothly until about a week before vacation when the wife's sister call's to let her know of a surprise she will get upon returning from vacation and her fairy tale life! Monica tells Dee of this conversation with her sister, who by the way does not really care for her and he tell's her not to listen to her she is just jealous and wants to cause discord in the marriage. Monica believe's her husband and goes against her sister for him because she wants to prove sister wrong and stand by her husband. Meanwhile, Monica's Mother is worried about the rumor of a child on the way by another woman, which she then in turn questions Dee about and he states" Mom" I would never do anything to hurt your daughter" when all the while he knows that the Other Woman is carrying his child. (A Daughter). February 28, 2000 the papers for the purchase of their house is signed and they are excited. On February 29, 2000, the Other Woman calls Monica at her home at 7:00a.m. just as Monica is preparing for work to tell her that she in fact had a daughter this morning and that Monica's husband Dee is the father. (Knife Wound #1) Monica at that point is shocked and hurt but tries to remain calm as this Other Woman is talking to her and reassuring the Other Woman that she is not worried, to go ahead and take a Paternity test and if it is in fact her husbands child he will pay support. They hang up and she calls her husband at work to let him know of the telephone call from the other woman and he tell's her at this point that there is no reason to worry, because the child could not possibly be his since he has never even been with this woman, she is crazy and do not believe a thing that she says. Monica then starts to worry that maybe she is losing her mind because the woman has told her of the dates and the times she has been with her husband and that Dee knew of the pregnancy since October of 1999. She called him at work and he went over to her house that same day at lunch and told her to get rid of it. Monica then keeps asking her husband (who could not possibly do such a thing) if it could be his and he is adamant in his answers of NO! NO! NO! How could it be his if he has never slept with her, even to the point of getting mad at Monica. So they go on and the Other Woman puts a Birth Announcement in the Newspaper and names Dee as the Father. Monica asks Dee how he feels about this and he still insists that she is crazy and is just trying to cause trouble and that she could put anyones name in the Paper. <BR>Monica goes on and tries to deal with the lies and tries to move on, all the while her heart is aching as if someone is trying to rip it out of her chest. Approximately 2-3 weeks later Dee admits that he slept with the Other Woman one time and that it could be his, althought the dates she told him are wrong. Monica tries to deal with this information and her heart is so heavy with pain she does not know what to do. Monica and Dee receive the greatest gift of all that June in having Jeremy (his son) come to be with them in their new home in Alaska for the whole summer. Life just maybe getting better. Monica begins taking on reality that this may in fact be Dee's Child and starts counseling with Dee who does not need it and does not want it because he is aware that he cheated and just wants to move on. Monica starts anti-depressants and her emotions start going up and down and she is not coping very well with all of this because if it is his child then (WHAT/WHERE/ WHAT DIDN'T) she do right in the marriage for him to go somewhere else for affection. Dee tells her that it had nothing to do with her and that she should stop thinking about it so much because he isn't and that they should just move on, all the while Monica is hurting so badly she would just as soon end her life than know the results of the paternity test.<BR>Dee does not want to discuss anything regarding the Affair nor does he want Monica to bring it up anymore, after all how can they go forward if she keeps talking about it? Monica tries to be strong with the support of her friends and her mom who all the while continue to treat Dee as if he has not done anything wrong (after the initial shock) and they move on. Monica figures that if they can make it through this maybe they will a stronger unit (Husband/Wife) and they he will love her more than ever because she stuck by him through thick and thin. Monica goes to chuch and the Other Woman shows up at chuch with the child and continues to show up with the child every Sunday, who begins to look more and more like the husband as time goes on. (Paternity test) not in yet! This realization cuts her heart to the core, leaving nothing but a hole. <P>Paternity Test results are in and Dee is the Father, he does not tell Monica this though, he hides the results and she finds them about a week later while cleaning the house. Although she has asked him over and over when they will be in, as a matter of fact she asked (3) days after they were in only to be told he did not know? Meanwhile, the relationship between Monica and Dee does not get better, in fact it seems to get worse because Monica stumbles upon some files on the computor one day and they contain pictures of her husband that were sent by him to woman (Knife Wound # 2) to the gut, belonging to an adult chat site and some pitures were sent to him by them. She confronts Dee with this and he get's upset with her telling her that it is just the internet and he does not know these women so what is the big deal? Monica tries to digest this information, but can not seem to handle anymore. Monica then gets more depressed and turns to God for comfort not knowing what else to do about her marriage?? She then lets Dee know that this is hurting her more than he will ever know and killing her self esteem and that she can't take anymore. He tell's her once again that it is just chatting and that he does not know these women. She is try to get through to him that after the affair she needs to feel wanted and loved by him in order to gain her trust back and he continues to tell her it was nothing the same thing he told her when he confessed the affair. Monica continues to hurt, but vows to keep the hurt hidden and keep trying because maybe one day he will come around and really begin to love her. Although he continually tells her that he cannot show her the affection that her best friends husband shows her because he is not the same person, she accepts this. Dee also lets Monica know that he will not say "I Love You" to her over and over, she should just know. Monica at times will drink and then let the alcohol move in and depress her even further and then wants to talk about the Affair and know all the answers. Dee still refuses to give her any, because as he told her before, it was not an affair it was a mistake. On occasion he has even told her that the baby, the affair none of it was her business and that he did not ask Monica for anything and she should just let him work it out. (Knife Wound) from Dee to Monica in the Gut!<P>Well it has been (8) month's since the affair was revealed and Monica has decided to stick by him and fight for custody even though this is taken a far worse toll on her that she will admit. They hire an attorney and begin the battle. Monica has such a huge fear of the outcome because she knows that once the legal proceedings are over and the daughter is given permission to visit with her Father (Dee) that this will complete the process of her heart being torn out. Although she continues to go on the relationship has not gotten any better, Dee still has not paid any attention to her or helped her heal from the affair or the reality of another child and another child support payment, they just go on. Month (10) and the time draws near for visitation as the legal proceedings are almost at and end. Dee goes to see the lawyer and does not tell Monica that the lawyer request Christmas visitation. This also hurts. The lovemaking hurts because she does not know what he is thinking. Monica is having trouble on her job also, because she is still thinking about it, constantly. She is worn out now. She comes home again to find he is still chating on the chat lines, not talking with her at all. Giving her no attention whatsoever, just going on about his business because he is happy! Nothing is wrong with the marriage. It is me who has the problem not him as he says over and over again. The pain is too much for her to bear anymore and so she must stop and find herself again. This is all too much for her. She can not fight alone anymore to save a marriage that according to him does not have any problems. Now she must move on and let him have his freedom. She can not love anymore because she does not know how. She can not feel anymore. Because for so long all Monica has done is existed. <BR>The attorney has called her today to say that Dee needs to get in contact with the Child Custody Invesitgater and make arrangements to go through parenting classes for his new daughter. It should have been me is all I can say anymore. I wish it had been me. Not going to parenting class, just being the Mother of my husbands daughter. <P><p>[This message has been edited by chelsea (edited December 19, 2000).]

chelsea, I just read your letter. Someday you will find the one that is right for you. This is so wrong the way he has treated you . I would not have been able to deal with what this man has been doing to you . You will see once away from all this that you will see the sunshine again. I cant see how he can expect to raise a child with his attitude. I think one day you may look back and see this. I hope that you find your way. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>Carol Ann<p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited December 22, 2000).]

Dear Chelsea,<P>I just read your story and I had to take a break before writing this reply. You have been through so much unnecessary pain, it nearly broke my heart.<P>The OW put a birth announcement in the paper and named your H as the father!? That is, without a doubt, the most callous act that I have heard committed by an OW since I have been a member of this group. It seems that morality and compassion are all but forgotten in this world. I can only imagine how you felt when that happened.<P>For your marriage to work, your H must communicate with you. You cannot do all the work alone and you cannot continue to sink deeper and deeper into depression. As you said, it is already affecting your ability to work and function in life.<P>I know you love your H, but sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they can start the climb up. <P>At the time my H's OC was born, I was also infertile and had experienced several miscarriages. I had been trying desperately to have a child and then I was presented with the news that some other woman had given my H what I was unable to give.<P>The pain was unbearable and seeing the child -- seeing my H's features on another woman's child -- was almost too much to bear. We would not have lived through this pain if not for the fact that my H was truly sorry and he did everything in his power to show his love for me and his regret over the mistake that he made.<P>My story had a happy ending and through the wonders of modern medicine I was able to give birth to two beautiful children. Don't ever let a doctor tell you that there is no hope. Seek an opinion from fertility specialists - two or three if you have to. There is a wonderful support group called RESOLVE that has referrals for leading infertility doctors.<P>Once you move out, that may be the wake up call to your husband to either get motivated and start working on the marriage or he is losing you forever. I am usually the first to say try to save the marriage at all costs. But, having heard the hurt and humiliation that you have been experiencing all these months, taking a break may be the best thing for you. At least it will give you a chance to breathe and think.<P>What about the OW? Does your H still have contact with her? Does he have a friendly relationship with her? <P>You have been through so much during these months. And that internet usage worries me also. My H has also engaged in that kind of behaviour, but luckily he stopped when I confronted him and told him that even if it was the computer, it was still inappropriate.<P>Your H sounds very controlling and you may not be able to think clearly around him. At least a break will give you a chance to get in touch with YOU - what you need, what you can accept. <P>Don't worry about anyone else right now but yourself. Pamper yourself, read some self-help books on building self-esteem and understanding betrayers. You can find them in the library, you don't even have to buy them. But most of all understand that this is not your fault. Your H is the jack*** with the bad judgement. You did nothing but love, honour and trust the man you committed your life to. <P>Pull yourself together. Looking great and having a great attitude are the best revenge. I know it is hard - we have all been in your shoes -- but do your best.<P>Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to support and help you. I hope that you will find some joy in the Christmas holiday.<P>I will be praying for you. God bless you.<P>- Heavenly