I am new to this board and I wish that I did not have to be here, but I am glad that I found somewhere to vent my feelings.<P>I am a 26 year old newlywed (married Feb. 12) who discovered 3 months ago that my husband had an affair with a woman that he met online 9 months before we got married. I also found out that she has had his child who will be 1 years old 1 month before our anniversary date. <P>I discovered his affair totally accidently while logging onto an email account. Apparently he had logged on using my laptop and didn't bother to erase his password, which led me directly into his account. There I discovered a message that she had written to him in July explaining that he needed to contact her in regards to "their son". When I confronted him, he initially denied everything, but after reading the email he admitted the affair. He told me that he didn't feel like he could talk to me and that she provided a "listening ear". He said that it was a purely platonic relationship and one weekend when she came to visit, one thing led to another. <P>He said that he would contact her and arrange paternity testing and find out if the child was really his. Well, 3 months later and no test and no additional information from him, I had enough. I got her phone number from a voicemail that she left him and I called her.<P>She confirmed my worst fears, not only did they sleep together, they had a relationship where he told her that he had broken off our engagement and he was totally committed to her now. He sent flowers, cards, and emails telling her how much he loved her and how he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. She says that he mysteriously dumped her on her birthday with no explaination as to why. She said that she called him in October and told him that she was pregnant. (He still denies that he ever knew she was pregnant before we got married).<P>When I confronted him, he admitted to lying (reluctantly) and he now claims that he loves only me and that this affair has been the biggest mistake of his life. I also found out that he missed the first court date (teleconference) and now has to appear in court out-of-state (which I cannot attend because of work) to establish paternity.<P>This has been the most difficult thing that I have had to deal with in my life. I still love him and I want to work on our marriage but I am at a loss. I have given him so many opportunities to tell me the truth and he doesn't until I force it out of him. I am not ready to become a mother, especially not to a child that isn't mine. I am torn and I don't know what to do.<P>I am sorry that this post is so long, but I figured that this group may have some answers. Thanks.

living,<P>I'm sorry that you're here because it means that you've been betrayed. Still, I'll welcome you to our group and I hope that in the days and weeks to come you will find much comfort and support here, just as I have over the past few months. I'm sorry for your pain and the hurt you must feel. It's a terrible thing to be betrayed by someone we love and trust. I think it is very important that your husband know for sure if this child is truely his. The only way to absolutely do that is to take the paternity test. It is unfortunate that you cannot go with him. This could certainly show this other woman that you and your husband are still a "team" and that you're supporting him (even if you're angry and hurt on the inside, understandably). I understand how work can prevent your attending. The bills still have to be paid. Anyway, I really believe that you must make your H understand that if the two of you have any chance, he cannot lie to you anymore about this situation...not ever. Total honesty is essential if you are to ever begin healing. The healing process is a long and frustrating one, trust me. But to begin, your H must realize what he's done and do everything in his power to make ammends. Your right to be a mother when and if you choose is certainly YOUR right. I can understand completely your not wanting to be a mother now, especially to a child that was born to your H (if it's his) and this other woman. I am a mother of two and I chose to be that. I did not ask to be a mother to my H oc from an adulterous relationship and I won't be. I do not feel guilty about my decision at all and my H doesn't have any contact with this child. He never wanted contact so there was never a conflict with that. You and your H must talk openly and honestly and often. Don't beat yourself up for feeling angry and bitter for the betrayal that you've experienced. Even if the affair took place nine months prior to your marriage, I'm willing to bet that you two were already "married" emotionally (or at least you were) before you made it official. It is still wrong and your feelings of betrayal and hurt are just as valid as if you two had been married at the time. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I've been there. I'm healing...slowly. One day at a time literally. I hope you'll continue to come here often and read as many of the other postings as possible. There are lots of very supportive women and men on this board and I know they'll be offering good advise and support. I hope I've helped in some way. God Bless you and know that we're here for you.<P>Comfort<P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

Dear living,<BR>I logged on tonight to see anything new....<P>Your story made me want to reach out and tell you I understand everything you are feeling.<P>It's new to me also. I have been married for 26+ yrs. and recently found out my H. had an "affair" with a friend of ours and it resulted in pregnancy. She's due in May. We have 1 son . He's 21. She's married w/3/kids.<BR>It's a total mess.<P><BR>I do suggest going to see someone at your church, just to talk. It can be a great help. I didn't want to but did 4 days after he told me.<P>I truly don't know how I found this site...but I can tell you that you will find the most compassionate caring people in the world here.<P>I understand how you feel about not wanting to become a mom. I would not and will not ever consider becoming a mom to a child that came through this betrayal. It would ALWAYS remind me of the A.<P>Come back here as often as you want...<P>We'll listen and try to help.<BR> Debi<BR>

livighislie, welcome so sorry you had to find us. Your name you picked sure does fit what were all going threw. Comfort says things so well. I think the hardest part I had in what Ive been going thru was the lies it has took me a long time to believe again .If your H is willing and does all he can to prove himself you will get there. Dont worry about long post thats what we are here for. This place has been my lifeline before I found it I didnt even want to live. I hope these wonderful people help you as much as coming here has me. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>Carol Ann

Livinghislie:<P>Livinghislie has to be the most poignant moniker I have heard in a long time, and like Flowerseed said, your name describes what all of us here are essentially doing-living his lie.<P>I am stunned by the parade of immature, irresponsible and selfish people in today's society and it never ceases to amaze me how nearly every day a new person becomes a member of our sad little group. <P>I hate to say 'welcome', livinghislie, because this is the last place any of us would want to be. But, under the circumstances, thank God it exists. None of us could get through this without this site and I wonder how people got through this before we had this technology to bring us together in this common bond. It must have been a very, very lonely place to battle this unusual and humiliating circumstance alone.<P>You've come to the right place, livinghislie, and many of us have been here for a while and can help you through some of the trauma and shock you are experiencing. This site is based on Dr. Harley's principles and he provides a 'blueprint' for recovery in his Rules of Honesty and Protection and the Policy of Joint Agreement. <P>You will come to understand what you must do to recover and you will find the Betrayed Spouses here eager to help you get through this through their stories and common experiences. I encourage you to read and reread the many threads posted here to familarize yourself with the others and their stories and what we are all doing to get through the pain and confusion.<P>You say you don't know how you got here...you got here the same way the rest of us did; by Divine Intervention.<P>I read your post and I am saddened that this happened in the beginning of your marriage. I am so sorry, lhl.<P>Take the time to read and understand the harley principles, rules and policies as they will give you an excellent plan and foundation on which to make decisions and determine what went wrong and what you can do make changes.<P>Maybe you can tell us more about your situation. I am curious to know how long you and your husband knew each other before you were married and why he felt he couldn't 'talk' to you while you were courting. Did you ever notice anything about your husband that sent up any red flags about his character or was there some kind of crisis that acted as a catalyst for his behavior? Is he a selfish person or self absorbed or weak? Sometimes if we think back we can ferret out an event that may have occurred that was instrumental in starting the insanity.<P>You have many tough decisions to make. It's wise to put them on hold until you get through the some of the shock of this 'news'. It's important to get some help for the two of you as a couple through counseling and for your husband to read the Harley principles, rules and policies if he wants to save the marriage.<P>The part I hate the most, aside from the fact my husband was capable of such betrayal and that what he did to me and to our marriage was the worst possible thing a man can do to his wife, is the way our friends and family-those who know of this-see my husband now. For two decades everyone loved and respected my husband. Now I see it in their eyes-their disappointment in him and lack of respect. I used to be so proud of him and now I am so disappointed, humiliated and embarrassed that this happened to us. I battle these feelings of shame everyday, even though the sin isn't mine.<P>We went to Retrouvaille two months after discovery. Retrouvaille is a program sponsored by the Catholic Church (anyone of any faith is welcome) for troubled marriages. The officiating priest made it clear to us that the only responsibility we had to the OC was financial. As a result, there is absolutely no contact with the OW and OC. Checks are sent and that is it. Personally, I know I could not continue my marriage at this time if there was contact.<P>We all have different ways of dealing with this, lhl. Some can handle contact, others cannot. <P>Let us know how we can help and know we are here for you.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

So sorry about your circumstances. It is very painful to discover such deceit from a spouse, but especially when relationship is so new.<P>All I can advise that hasn't already been said is that your H must commit to 100% complete honesty about what is going on with this OW and OC from here forward. If there is a court date, he needs to tell you. Every thing that is decided must be a JOINT decision. If not, you will end up feeling very resentful and the marriage will not work. <P>I am still hurt by the fact a total stranger (to me at least) made decisions that will impact my life forever. She decided to add half-siblings into my childrens lives. Now she gets a sizable amount of cash each month. You can only deal with that stuff if you feel your H is devoted to you and building your marriage. It is do-able. But only with trust and joint decision making.<P>It is my opinion that these OW should go on with their lives and raise these children (if they decide to keep them) by themselves or find another partner. But the bio-parent cannot be a "father". It is impossible. It is too damaging to the child and to your marriage. <P>His honesty level with you at time of discovery and in episodes you mention since then does not sound good. He has some issues with truth and perhaps even self esteem (lots of these WS has the self esteem thing). But that is his problem. All you need to do is decide if you can live with it if he decides not to change. Be grateful you have no children to worry about. If I was without children, I would have been gone 11 months ago. It is just all so much more difficult when you are trying to provide what they need. <P>Please let us all know how you are doing and more on what actions you have taken to take care of you. <P>Take care... Carolyn

Livinghislie,<P>Welcome to our hopeful group. Although we all came here with our share of emotional baggage and sadness over our spouses' lack of good judgment, the support and caring that has been shown by members of this group has been unparalleled in my life.<P>We are all strangers to each other, but we are sharing a hurt that is so deep and has overshadowed every aspect of our lives. The amount of comfort that I have found from the comments of others in a similar situation has simply been amazing.<P>I identify very closely with what "takingcare" said. The hardest part for me is dealing with the fact that a complete stranger has so much influence over my life and my children's lives. She got to decide what she wanted to do and my H and I never got a vote. <P>But, we went to counselling in the beginning and we have opened up a new level of communication that has been working. There were trust issues for a long time which we solved by my H making a special effort to call me when we are apart and to re-assure me constantly that he is back on track.<P>The important thing to remember is you should work as a team. You should make joint decisions about the OC and show the OW that you are standing united in love. Some OW can't take that pressure and eventually they go their own way. But, at least, you have the satisfaction of showing the OW that her actions have not destroyed the love that you and your H share.<P>Good luck in the months ahead. You will experience a whole range of emotions from anger and despair to acceptance and understanding only to have the anger revisit when you thought you had worked it all out. We are here for you. We all understand what you are going through. When you need us just shout and you will get all the support that you need.<P>God bless you. Try to have a Merry Christmas.<P>= Heavenly

Hello everyone,<BR>Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am so glad to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. A little more background information about this situation.<P>Most of the relationship with my husband both now and while we were dating has been long distance. We dated for 5 years before we got married. We went to different colleges and now I travel very frequenty due to work. (This will change soon, I'm changing jobs) The affair accured while we were apart and I did not recognize any signs of our relationship being in danger. He hid the other woman very well. During the time that I was in college I went through a period of "self-discovery" where I needed to work through some issues and I ask that we see other people. He agreed reluctantly but said ok. During the time that we weren't together he told me how he was seeing all these women and how he was enjoying his "freedom" but I later found out that he didn't want to see other people and that he was miserable during the entire time. I learned of this a year later. After my self-discovery, we got back together and he said that he had resolved the feelings that he had about that. He claims the reason that he sought out the other woman was because he couldn't deal with what I had done and the fact that I could be with someone else. He was looking for the "perfect woman" and he thought that she was it. Well of course he later realized that she wasn't and he told me that he never loved her and that he broke it off with her to get married to me. <P>We have always had a very open and honest relationship and I feel hurt most that before we got married, I told him of all of the things that happened during that time and why they happened but he couldn't come clean to me about his affair with the other woman.<P>The relationship with the OW has been over between them for over a year and after talking to her and to him I do not feel like she wants to be with him or him with her. That doesn't mean that I trust them together or ever will. He wants to be a part of the OC life and says that he couldn't imagine not being there for him. My opinion of this changes from day to day. Some days I feel like I can live with that because I don't feel a threat from the OW and other days I can't imagine dealing with the OW and the OC.<P>During Christmas, they (OW and OC) were in town to visit family (they live out of town) and he was supposed to meet the OC but he decided that he wanted to wait until he was sure that the OC was his (paternity test). He was also going to tell his parents about the OC. So far, he has decided not to and I am so glad because I really wanted Christmas to be a somewhat happy event.<P>My biggest question is: For those of you who have managed to get passed this, how do you begin the healing process. When we try and talk about this unless it is about a fact or a particular event (for example: are you going to meet him or when is the court date) it turns into a frustrating dead silence. He feels like it happened and that he can't do anything to change that and there is no point of going back over the details. He also told me that he feels like I will never forgive him for this. Right now I am not even at the point where I can consider forgiveness because I'm still not sure that I know the entire truth. He thinks that I was looking for the "perfect husband and now that he's make a mistake that I don't want to be with him anymore". That is so frustrating to me because I am trying so hard to deal with all of this and he feels like he made one mistake and I cannot forgive, like he forgot to bring home the milk or something.<P>I am at my wits end with this. I am tired of holding everything inside pretending like nothing is wrong. I want to begin the healing process but I don't know how.......<P>livinghislie<BR>

living,<BR>I think it is too difficult to heal when you can't discuss what happened. The book "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring does a GREAT job of explaining each spouse's feelings respectfully yet realistically without attacking the wayward spouse. If you can get your H to look at it, he might understand why you cannot move forward without more action re: the affair, rebuilding trust, honesty, etc. It really helped my H and I.<P>Gotta run.<BR>Bless you this Christmas<BR>

It's sad when people get caught up in the new age lingo of feeling that they have to abandon their spouse/fiancee's to 'find themselves'. When people make declarations like this, I believe this simply means they are not ready for marriage. It's good that you recognized this and waited to marry if you were not ready to commit. But with that comes a price and a risk. The risk of the other party moving on and the price is what you are paying now.<P>While this is a betrayal because you were lied to and deceived all these months about the OW and the OC situation, under the circumstances, he really didn't need to lie to you at all. These were your rules and your call. What he did was stupid and reckless and careless, but he was free to do whatever he wanted because you wanted 'self-discovery' and for you both to date others.<P>It doesn't sound like any of this would have happened if you wouldn't have been compelled to seek your own self discovery. I am probably wrong because I don't know any more than what you have offered but I do know that this does not sound like a deliberate act of rejection or betrayal. He would have preferred you, is that what I am reading here?<P>While this is a terrible, terrible thing to have to endure with long reaching consequences, he didn't reject you for someone else for a time; he lied to you to keep you because he loved you and wanted you.<P>When I took my husband's face in my hands and looked him in the eyes and sincerely told him I forgave him, he breathed a sigh of relief and opened up and we started talking about the depth of our feelings and began making considerable progress. <P>When your husband feels secure he isn't going to loose you, he may start talking to you about that elephant in your livingroom that you are both so successful at ignoring. You two have a real opportunity to grow together. A good place to start is to get the book Jenny suggested, get counseling to open the door and for both of you to follow Harley's principles and rules.<P>Be his best friend. Acknowledge your part in this and forgive him. He just might reach out to you...perhaps he is desperate to connect. When he does, you won't have to worry about OW or anyone else. You'll be able to determine together the best route to take with regards to the OC if it is his.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

I think I need to clear something up. My self-discovery period took place 1 year before we were engaged, and we talked about what happened during that time period. His affair was 2 years after that while we were engaged. We were in a committed relationship during that time period. If he were seeing someone during the time that I was, I would have no problem with this, I would simply accept the fact that he chose to be with someone else as I had. This relationship came well after that time period and came as a total shock to me.<P>I bought the book today. I gave a copy to my H and asked him to read it. Hopefully he will. I am only home for the next week and we are barely talking now so I hope he decides to read the book during this week so something positive will be resolved during this time.<P>Thanks again for all of the support that everyone has shown.

LHL:<P>Thanks so much for the clarification. I hate it when I shove my entire foot down my throat. Aaaccck. I am sorry.<P>LHL, what is holding the two of you back from an all out confrontation of the issues? Are you both too afraid of what might be said or is it too threatening to say, "Look, we have some monumental issues that need to be discussed. Just know how deeply I love you and how much I want this to work and I will do whatever I can to meet you half way." How about, "Husband, let's read this book together. It's so important to our future. We have to establish some guidelines here."<P>At least if you 'mix it up' a little, the air might get cleared and some real dialogue can happen. You can't go on living together in silence. It must be deafening.<P>Catnip =^^=

I am posting to let everyone know how much I appreciated all of the support and advise that has been given here. I know it has been a long time since I last posted but I have been lurking and reading about everyone and their situations. I am a pretty private person so it was difficult for me to post messages on a public forum. But things have gotten back to normal on the board as well as with my life. My H and I are doing really well. We went through several rough months but it will be a year in August and we are still together and stronger than ever.<P>The OW in our life has proven herself to be a crazy unstable person. I originally thought that we could work through this situation as adults but it looks as though she can't handle the fact that my H wants to be a part of the OC's life without her. In fact because of her actions, my H has decided that he wants no part of OC or OW. Yipeee!! I was willing to accept OC but if he doesn't want it, I'm surely not going to push the issue. <P>I do have one question for those of you who are paying child support. The judge ordered my H to pay her regular child support, 1/2 daycare expenses, 1/2 non-insurance covered medical. He also has to pay back child support from the time that the OC was born. My question is: Did any of you have to pay back daycare and medical expenses? The OW has filed a failure to pay support because she sent us a $3000 bill for back daycare and medical expenses and she expects us to just write her a check. This case is being handled in New York. Anyone with any experience in New York child support, your help would be truly appreciated. Thanks

brought up 3 post which might help you

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by livinghislie:<BR><B>The judge ordered my H to pay her regular child support, 1/2 daycare expenses, 1/2 non-insurance covered medical. He also has to pay back child support from the time that the OC was born. My question is: Did any of you have to pay back daycare and medical expenses? The OW has filed a failure to pay support because she sent us a $3000 bill for back daycare and medical expenses and she expects us to just write her a check. This case is being handled in New York. Anyone with any experience in New York child support, your help would be truly appreciated. Thanks</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear lhl:<P>It sure is good to hear from you and that things are going exceptionally well for you and your husband. I hesitate, though, to respond to your thread and your question because my situation is probably the worst case scenario one can imagine. I don't want to frighten you but at the same time if you hear what has happened to us, maybe you can be somewhat prepared...just in case. Forewarned is forearmed.<P>Our OW is on LI and we have been dealing with the Nassau County Family Court since January 1999...eight months BEFORE OC was born. Luckily, we were not liable for any prenatal support and were able to wait until December of 1999 for the DNA results before we were obliged to pay. Then we were ordered to pay arrears since the OC's birth the previous August 1999.<P>The problem we had is that we once owned a small business and the OW convinced the courts that we had pots and pots of money and sued for $3000 a month support. It was originally ordered we pay her $3000 per month. We had to travel from the midwest where we live and appear before the Hearing Officer at Nassau County in February-March 2000. We were forced to hire an attorney which billed us for $10,000. The CS amount was reduced to $1500 per month, which was still more than we had coming in every month.<P>We presented the court with all our financial records but the OW had an excellent and aggressive attorney who convinced the HO we were "cooking the books", however, he reduced the amount to $1100...and it has been there ever since.<P>Now, this amount would be OK if we made $4000-5000 per month, but we do not. In fact, my husband has been very ill with his bipolar and alcoholism issues, suicidal and destroyed the business...long before he even met OW. The business was more or less dead nearly a year before he met her. The damage had already been done with the reckless behavior he exhibited during his return to active alcoholism.<P>The courts did not believe us, they do not believe us now, still to this day, even though we have presented them with blatant proof from the most reputable CPA in our city that we have nothing. The courts refuse to reduce the amount to something fair and reasonable and refuse to examine our income tax filings, convinced we are lying.<P>My husband has only been well enough to work since a year ago in June 2000...he was unemployed and in treatment centers, detoxes, psych wards from D-Day in January 1999 through June of 2000. He earned no income for a year and a half. I was supporting him. The arrears increased at a dramatic rate. The courts ordering him to pay significantly more than what our income was during those dark months. Nothing was taken into consideration, I was not taken into consideration.<P>The courts are autonomous in the sense that they answer to no one. Their decisions are arbitrary and can pull any figure they please out of the air and assign an order to make you pay whatever they deem 'reasonable' to them. They protect the OW's and side with them on every level. At least this is how it has been for us.<P>My husband has had his driver's license revoked, his voting privileges, his passport and has been garnished when he did work. For an example, he would net $500 and CS would take $350, leaving him $150 a week to live on. He could not make his truck payment, pay his insurance, help me with any bills. we were forced to get a divorce so he could file a Quit Claim deed and turn the property (house) over to me so I wouldn't loose everything. We filed bankruptcy and our business was dissolved. Now they are looking for him so they can throw him in jail. He has had to leave the area and find a life elsewhwere...he is basically on the lam, perhaps in Boston or Montana somewhere, last I heard.<P>He will never ever make enough money to pay the outrageous CS ordered arbitrarily by the court due to his instability...he is not the same man he was three and a half years ago and for the 17 years prior to that. He is completely broken and at his age, 52, he sees no real future for himself. If he were mentally stable, he would be able to begin again and make a new life for himself, get a decent job and make a fair living for himself. He is pretty Ok when he can afford his meds, but at $100 a week and no health insurance, he chooses to eat over meds. And then drinks to forget, I suppose. If he works, he no longer gets along with people and gets fired now...he was fired from a large company in March 2001 and has been unemployed ever since. <P>The ironic thing about this whole debacle is that when the court garnished his wages, he was sending the CS in direct proportion to his earnings. If he made $500, he calculated 17% of his gross (as per NY law) and we immediately fired off a check, along with a copy of his earnings statement, thinking this would keep them off our backs and give us a chance to resolve the unjust and unreasonable arrears issue...but, that wasn't 'good' enough for the courts. They wanted it all. I was stunned that they would garnish his wages when he was making payments. It certainly destroyed any incentive he had to "do the right thing". After all, we were being persecuted and punished to the max and no one would believe us, listen to us, treated him like a criminal and have been harassing him for over a year, insisting on these stupid telephone testimonies where they refuse to allow him to speak or make a statement.<P>They didn't care how sick he was and ignored the endless treatment and doctor's reports. They didn't care that he lost everything precious to him and he was suicidal. They just didn't care.<P>So, NY law is out of balance, lhl, so be cautious and bring every shred of your tax filings for the past three years to court with you along with your husband's expenses. I hope you are lucky enough to have just a run of the mill case where your husband is not in business for himself and is instantly suspect to having off shore accounts when he doesn't...I think the small business owners have a real tough time because the court thinks you are hiding assets...and they don't believe you if you say you are not. No offense to government workers, but they usually don't understand how expensive it is to be in business for oneself and how often it is that you have months where you are lucky to break even. <P>This is a pretty grim and extreme picture, but it is better to know that they have so much power and do not have to answer to anyone. The federal and state courts don't want to be bothered with family court and sluff it off to hearing officers who can tell your husband to come to court wearing a pink tutu and make it stick. I've never seen anything like it...unless we just happen to be residents of the twilight zone and just don't know it yet.<P>The "laws"...and I use that word loosely, are designed to protect the OW and OC at all cost, especially at your expense. They are perverse and completely unjust and totally arbitrary. The HO can force you to pay $1000 per month even if you only make $800...he can examine your records and say he doesn't believe them, simply because his underwear has been creeping up his [censored] and is making him cranky. Then, like us, you have to go into hiding and not see your family or friends much anymore because if they investigate, they will find you and put you in jail.<P>I used to be a hit at Girl Scout camp when we told ghost stories around the campfire, too. Sorry, lhl...but if you know how bad it can be, perhaps you will be prepared somewhat for the hearing. The trouble with NY is that it is so socialistic and liberal that they only look at it from the OW's (Opportunistic Whore's) point of view and address only her needs and that of the OC...holding you almost entirely responsible for the OC's well-being. They treat these OW's as if they are a wife of many years, someone who was married to the father, rather than just a slut looking for a meal ticket. They do not care that your husband had no decision privileges where OC was concerned. They do not care that this child should be put up for adoption so it can have a stable, loving two-parent home or that the OW should not be keeping the child...hell, she should never have had it...to go another step further, she should not have gotten pregnant...Hey! she should not have screwed a man she knew was married and deliberately allowed herself to get knocked up to begin with!<P>Now we are all stuck with OC's and obligations and no one asked us if it was OK with us for this OW to intrude herself into our lives and change it forever, be harrassed, hounded, garnished, threatened...the list goes on and on.<P>They are not penalized for their evil and deliberate behavior and hire aggressive attonrys to champion their cause. And the HO is always all too eager to comply and turn a blind eye to the truth and call you a liar.<P>Well, I have certainly worked myself up into a froth over this again...the injustice has me reeling. I'll pray for you and your husband on the 2nd and I expect you to report back here and let us know how it went....nothing would please me more than to see someone get some measure of justice in that bastion of socially idealistics nincompoops, mad with power. <P>Catnip >^..^< <P><p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited June 19, 2001).]

LivingHisLie,<BR>Horray for you and your H! I'm happy for you.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Well, I have certainly worked myself up into a froth over this again...the injustice has me reeling. I'll pray for you and your husband on the 2nd and I expect you to report back here and let us know how it went....nothing would please me more than to see someone get some measure of justice in that bastion of socially idealistics nincompoops, mad with power. <P>Catnip <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh Catnip! Well said as usual. You were right on all counts! I can't understand why this unjust CS continues. It's absolutly outrageous!!!!<P>I pray for you all the time....mew mew.....<P>love<BR>Debi<BR><P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

<BR>lhl,<P>I traveled to Nassau County in March of 2000 to meet the illustrious Catnip in person. The point of me telling you this is that I want to corroborate Catnip's incredible story. I have personally seen documents supporting her H's illness, business documents that were misinterpreted by the court, and an final court order with an imputed income that bears no connection to reality. The irony here, unmentioned by Catnip, is that her husband's illness actually contributed to the court's impression that he was cooking the books. <P>Her husband has literally lost everything. By federal law, child support arrearages cannot be waived. Given the interest rate charged to arrearages, the net effect is that her husband will be in debt for the remainder of his life (you cannot discharge child support and/or its arrearages through bankruptcy). This is because the interest charges alone on the arrearages will begin to exceed his net income in time.<P>In some ways, he is a prototypical "deadbeat dad:" Many of these men are just plain broke. Its very difficult to see what society will gain by incarcerating Catnip's H.<P>Bystander

Dear Gem...I absolutely love you...thank you for your support. I know I sound crazy when I get on one of my tangents, but they just seem to take on a life of their own once I get rolling. Happy Birtday by the way.<P>Dear, dear Bystander...isn't this absolutely insane? Forced into hiding because we are continually harassed by the CS Nazis of Nassau County. The worse thing is knowing that we wil never be able to escape them or their ridiculous mandates. They have way too much power, like the IRS, and are not held accountable for their arbitrary orders. Somewhere on this planet, there has to be a grassroots organization working to right some of these evil and unjust 'laws'...for a woman to be able to call all the shots and sentence a man and his wife and family to a lifetime of servitude to her and her spawn is outrageous. If it were a fair and reasonable amount, no one would be forced to go to extreme measures to go underground in order to simply survive.<P>Bystander...thank you...<P>Catnip >^..^<

Dear catnip and bystander,<BR>Thank you so much for sharing your stories of the CS war that you are going through with the NY courts. I printed your response and gave it to my husband to read. His only response was "Wow, we really need to get a lawyer fast". I am so sorry that you are going through the struggles that you face. <P>Fortunately my H has a pretty straightforward case. They have just calculated 17% of his salary and since he just finished college, he doesn't have any assets. Everything is in my name. We are now in the process of dividing all of the joint accounts that we have together. The OW has said she is moving so we want to be prepared if she actually does move to another state. (Although she has been saying this for the past 6 months) H has decided against visitation for now. Yipee!! He wants to wait until the OC is old enough that he wants to meet H by himself without OW involved.<P>Thanks again for preparing me for the potential "war" that we may face.<P>lhl

lhl:<P>I was so relieved and delighted to read that your husband has no assets and is fresh out of school with nothing for the courts or the OW to extort from you two. This is excellent, excellent news and knowing that you will most definitely escape the insanity of family court under your special set of circumstances, makes me feel wonderful. Thanks for responding back with this information...I'll sleep good tonight.<P>Getting an attorney is a good idea, however, he/she probably won't be of much use except to act as a buffer and to take some of the wind out of the OW's sails. Sometimes, that alone is worth it.<P>Catnip >^..^<