It seems alot of H started this mess when there where money issues. New houses and such .In my case I had refinanced the house and borrowed $20,000 on top of what was owed so we could build a barn. I had to do this all in my name my credit is good H credit is no good.I worked very hard to fix after exe had wreacked it. At this time we were not married we had planned on getting married before our little girl turned 5. I had never really delt with the hurts from the last marriage and was really afraid. My ex was abuseive in all ways mental, verbal, pysical and also cheated. We had a lot of fights when we were building this barn it was for my H he was the one that wanted it. I would have rather had the space for flowers. I remember something he said just before he started this nightmare in one of our arugments something like he puts all this time and effort into this house and what does he have to show nothing. I could just boot him out and he has nothing. Iam wondering if this was quit hurtful to his self image being that everything was in my name because of his credit? I think it made him feel worthless.I was upset because it was all in my name and felt I was going to get stuck with even more bills if we didnt stay together.To look back things would have been alot easier if we could have really just talked instead of always trying to guess what the others intentions where. When we got married all this seemed to go away. There was something else going on that bugs me H mother has a cheating problem which when I first meant him he would make excuses for her. After our dauther was born his attitude changed and he didnt defend her anymore. The fall that this all started he went to his father and told him that his mother was seeing this other guy again. He had seen her car and the one she had been running with car at a bar. His father told her to move out he was threw and divorced her. What I am trying to understand is while he was so upset and agaist his mom he was doing the same thing it is confusing to me. The back and forth thing with his mom and dad and this other man has been going on from the day I meant him. Father let her move back again because boyfriend didnt want her there either. But he set her up in her own appartment next to his. She ended up this June shotting herself two times in the chest with a shotgun at the boyfriends house. She spent 2 weeks in intensive care she came out minius 1 breast. She now wants relationship with H dad he wants no part of it. My Husband is totally with his Dad he feels she did this to herself which I agree his father cant take nomore. I have a really hard time even being around my H Mom. It makes me feel bad to have these feelings. I also feel she dose not like me because up until I came ito her sons life he always sided with her. I in return have a hard time feeling anything but digust for her for feeling that she created this son that though it was o.k. to do what he has done. Neither of his parents know about what he has done his Dad would be sick his Mom would think nothing. Any thoughts in all of this would be helpful. with love flowerseed

Dear Flowerseed,<P>It is a complicated situation but I will try to offer my viewpoints.<P>When your H became a father to a daughter, I think he changed because then he became responsible for imparting a set of good values to another human being. That probably got him to evaluate his lifestyle and his mother's in relation to the future.<P>His mother being WS could be a reason that he finds nothing very wrong with being WS himself. Your feelings toward your MIL is understandable from the point that she did not set a good example for her son to follow but instead continues to live a very impulsive and destructive sort of lifestyle. You can feel sympathy for her that the choices she made have led to great tragedy for herself and her son. I would encourage that you pray that your descendants are in God's blessings and that any generational sins or curses be broken.<P>As for finances, I think you ought to get into counselling with either a trained marital pastor or therapist to work out a good solution to this. The fact that your H's credit is no good reflects on his inability to manage and he should not begrudge you for that. I would think his family background may not have prepared him in the best possible way for marital and other responsibilities. Can he be accountable to a godly man that he respects in relation to family and financing? Is there someone who can help him to become a better man for you and your daughter, particularly in the area of trust and communications and responsibilities?<P>I too was first married to an abused orphan who became abusive and WS. Everything that was wrong in his life became my fault as well. I kept taking the crap till my family and friends told me to leave for the sake of myself. I am glad that you left that abusive man as well. Interestingly, we found our ways to men who abused our trust again. Sometimes, the past hurts may have made us feel so worthless (sometimes unknowingly) that we feel that we do not deserve the best in life. I married what would be considered a great catch in terms of corporate successes and worldly views, but I made the choice to marry someone I know was not my equal because I thought my past marriage would be a hindrance. So, I guess I was right after all, he turned out WS. SO, we really need to HEAL and become WHOLE again.<P>Now that you are at this point in your life, I would suggest counselling for the both of you to address the issues of marital responsibilities, trust, children - includes upbringing, acceptable boundaries of behaviour, financial management, head of household, etc..<P>I will pop in again and listen to what you have to say further to this.<P>God bless you<BR>with love<BR>weep

Flowerseed,<BR>I have a similar story.....<P>My Mom was cheating on my Dad for a long time w/M man. I was about 14 yrs. old. We would get occasional calls to the house from the W.She would call my mom a homewrecker and whore. My mom would explain that she had a history of mental problems and called all of his client's homes and say that.(OM was our insurance agent when they would vist to get payments,remember all you oldies?)<P>He would mysteriously appear at picnics our family was on and my mom would say"look who's here,let's invite him to join us" and he would.My Dad never said a thing.<P>Long story short/My parents divorced when I was 17. She "dated"OM till he died in 1988. My Dad moved back in our house for a while till he got his own house.<P>OM 2 daughters disowned him. One visited a week b4 he died to see if he was leaving her anything. It was a horrible meeting.They did not attend funeral. I did and cried not cuz he was gone but for the resentful way I treated him. I didn't want him to be at my wedding ,my mom snuck him into church and I saw him in upstairs pew as I was leaving church. It made me sick.I was never really nice to him.<P>My mom has new "friend" now and I'm nice to him.All of them get along. My Dad does EVERYTHING for her! Fills her car w/gas. Pays bills...does her banking,shopping etc.<P>I have limited contact w/her.<BR>Especially now. She hated my H from day one.<P>Now on the $ issue....We are in the process of filing chapter 13. I won't be involved credit wise, but we upped the limit on my 2 credit cards to help us out for now.<P>I'm doing this bcuz he owes OW so much money...she will get 10 cents on the dollar if this goes through. We are racing the clock b4 SHE can do something to my H legally. She threatened lawyer if he didn't pay in full.<P>My hope here is it will piss her off so much she won't even let my H legally test baby for dna and claim it is her H, unless their dissoloution goes through. <P>Wishful thinking I'm sure..... <P>BTW My H parents will celebrate 50yrs in 2001!!! They haven't talked to him since this happened (now that we are in counseling they talk somewhat if he calls)His Brothers and Sisters also haven't talked to him...He's actually MAD at them for not "helping" him out.<P>Another strike against oc is NON of them consider oc a relative(that may change)<P>Oh! so long winded! gotta go...another counseling session...cu later Flowerseed.<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

weep, I think that someone to help him become a better man has been me. The money issues were before affair and before marriage. I dont believe living together was such a hot idea. We were living as married couple in one sence but not really in another does that make any sense.Things all seem to have changed once we got married which was after the affair.Which was also when he decided he needed to do some major changeing. His credit is messed up from co-signing for a brother who didnt pay on a loan. This bothers him quit a bit he wants to clear his credit as soon as he can. I have to say he has just a wonderful family. gemini, how did it make you feel about yourself when your mom did these things. Do you think it had an effect on how you felt about yourself.I came back I think I need to explain why I am asking you this. H grandpa died right after his mom got out of hospital . At the dinner following funeral all the family was there this was the 1st time I had even meant most of them. MY H acted like a total diffrent person all smart assy actually they were all like that. I hated it .Ive never been so uncomfortable as I was that day.This also is a messed up deal seems as grandpa lived with girlfriend for 20 years that had spit his grandpa and grandma up. I had never even meant H grandpa before he died.I have the grandma she is a dear sweet lady . Do ya think I can make this any more confusing?Thanks with love flowerseed<p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited December 21, 2000).]