My heart is so heavy today. This morning I tried talking to my husband and guess what he went to sleep on me trying to express how hurt and angry I still am. Why and how long will these feelings be here. I have prayed and asked God to please remove them. They won't go away. I love him but sometimes I think, is it worth it. I look at him sometimes and my stomach turns in knots. I know that this is the season to be thankful after all it's Christ birthday,for that I am grateful. My only comfort is God saying "All things work together for the good for them that loves the Lord and are call according to His purpose" I am just waiting on that day. I have lost everything that's dear to me, my peace and my joy. I feel like I lost the one thing that was mine alone, my husband, my job, and control over my emotions. I pick the name Bless like Job because, in the bible Job lost everything and God restore it to him double. I am waiting on God to renew my strength and through this broad I have found answers,understanding, and comfort and knowing that I am not alone and there is hope for me and my marriage. How do you began the healing & the forgiveness. You think you have started to forgive and something else happen something he says or her calling. We have restraining orders on each other but she gets her friends to call on his cell phone if I answer they will say wrong number, he will not talk to her just hangs up the phone. When will the good days/ bad days stop. Do you ever get to the point where it just doesn't bother you any more, the thoughts, he images, the lack of self-esteem does it ever goes away. Please give me advice on how to start healing. What did you do to start healing I know what Dr. Harley say but some ways that worked for you<P>Always <P>Lean not to your own understanding in all thy ways acknowledge God and he will direct thy path....<P>[This message has been edited by Bless likeJob (edited December 25, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Bless likeJob (edited December 25, 2000).]

Dear Bless,<P><BR> I'm happy to meet you, sorry to meet you here. <P> I don't think any healing can begin until your husband ends it with the OW. No contact, period. I am still waiting for this day, myself. It's been 15 months, still waiting.<BR> With a betrayal of this magnitude, Your husband must show his commitment by ending all contact with OW. Your recovery will begin when your H decides to put his emotions second to your marriage.<BR> K is the guru here, maybe he will share some wisdom.<P> God bless you, <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Merry Christmas dear Job,<BR>I like the name you picked.I love what God did for Job and I pray for all of us here to find what was lost to all of us.<P>I too have more difficult HOURS in a day than easy ones.<P>I too pray and still cry.I try to cry alone and to appear loving to my H.<P>Christmas Eve we had a family dinner with his mom and dad and a bunch of aunts, uncles and cousins. I was fine then something triggered me,I guess knowing THEY all know,and my mood became quiet.His family has alienated him through all of this.<P>They were all so nice to me in a pity-type way.It made me feel worse.<P>I read time and time again on this site how it does get better,Job.Your H must help you too.Counseling HELPS. Just for you at first if you can go.<P>Maybe get your phone number unlisted. No more calls that way.<P>I'm sure you'll get better responses from people who have been here longer.<P>Bless you Job.<BR> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Bless,<BR>I think the "answer" lies in two places: one, your husband will have to take this recovery seriously, and two, it's only been 2 months!! And months until the baby's born, DNA, etc. I don't have time for more now, but I want you know it can be better, with time, but lots of time. It's been said that it takes about 2 years for resolution of an affair (a new "normal" life)--it starts out a nightmare and if you're lucky slowly gets better... same kind of timeline and stages of grief as the death of a close person.<P>I'm sorry your H fell asleep... that sounds cold-hearted but it is the kind of thing my H might do, too, due to his personality (can't listen for too long at a time) and sheer exhaustion--not personal! Do you have some guidelines for recovery: book(s) or a counselor??? We wouldn't have made it without them!<P>later and best wishes,<BR>J

Dear Bless:<P>Your husband sounds as though he is in withdrawal.. not necessarily because he is having a tough time getting over the OW but because he is so mortified about what he has done. <P>The shame associated with the trauma of having these consequences happen to him, to you, to your family is so horrendous, it is almost too much for him to acknowledge. He knows he is responsible for it and he may be just too ashamed and too remorseful and doesn't know how to express this to you yet.<P>It took my husband at least six months past discovery to shake withdrawal. <BR>Right after discovery, we had the initial tears and all the drama associated with 'news' of this kind. He immediately fell into withdrawal and stayed there for nearly half a year. During that time, he was often cruel and indifferent towards me. Sometimes he would flat out reject me and send me into a profound depression making me wonder if it was worth it. I often considered leaving. <P>He behaved this way toward me because of the immense magnitude of his 'sins' and the horrible fallout from his actions. He felt too much damage had been done and that there was no hope in ever repairing this marriage or that I would ever forgive him.<P>When he realized I was still in love with him, forgave him and was willing to move forward, he bagan to change. I stuck by him through all the terrible events of the birth, DNA, court, support orders, his bipolar illness, his alcoholism and treatment and suicide tendencies. When he realized I wasn't going anywhere and that he could count on me, he was secure and could open up to me. This process has taken two years.<P>For the last year and a half, he has worked very hard at making this all up to me. Sometimes he falls back with mood swings but overall, we do move forward. <P>One of the most remarkable things that has happened is his incredible appreciation of me. He has such gratitude that we are together, that I stayed and that I still love him. He treats me with a loving kindness similar to what we had before this happened to us, only 'squared'. It's the same but so much more. And if I can get through the day without thinking about things, it is bliss.<P>I just survived the 'two year' mark-all the anniversaries that dog me: discovery 1 of the affair, discovery 2 of the pregnancy, the two or three attempts of reconcilation, the last time he spoke to OW. It happened two years ago between October 24 and January 17. I am almost there. It's been very hard on me as I relived it all, grieved again and now I am in the home stretch. In just three weeks the anniversaries will be over and I believe I will be on the other side of this horror. The rest of the year I seem to do much better; and I find there are days when I don't think of this stuff (OW/OC) at all. It does get better, the pain does subside and diminish and the bouts of sadness and depression are less and the bouts are fewer and farther between. Give yourself some time. <P>If you can hang in there and work with your husband and get through the next few months of uncertainty, you may emerge into something very special. You may find you are closer than you ever thought possible and you may find you have a devoted husband that would walk on ground glass for you.<P>The torment we go through is torture during these months, and we often see the gross unfairness of it all. After all, it wasn't our sin, we didn't do anything, we didn't cause the damage...why are we the ones to be doing all the work initially? It doesn't make sense. You'll have to battle the resentment you will feel and focus on the restoration of your marriage and the gifts you will eventually receive because of your perservence.<P>It's a gamble too, because there are no guarantees that it will end up the way you want it to, but if you follow the prinicples and pray like you are doing, God will hear your prayers and will bless you. Maybe not in your time frame or how you want to see things played out, but it things will change and your husband will get better when he knows you are there for him and you have truly forgiven him.<P>Try not to get too discouraged, Bless. You're still in the very early stages and have so many issues yet to face in this 'journey'. It's too soon to tell, too soon to make life decisions. What you are feeling is normal...and how your husband is behaving is normal, believe it or not. He'll begin to change when you do.<P>You sound like I did two years ago. I remember the unspeakable pain and shock, the knots in my stomach, the disappointment in my husband and the anger at having my wonderful life altered forever. I know how you feel, Bless. I relived it all just this year as part of the healing process.<P>Catnip =^^=

Bless,<P>Sorry you're here with us because it means that you've been betrayed by someone you love. But I welcome you just the same and hope that this board will be a source of comfort and support, as it is for me. First thing...have your husband change his cell phone number immediately. One of the best things that we did was to change our numbers...all of them (cell, beeper, home, etc). This was inconvenient because we'd had our numbers for a long time and had become so used to them. But I'd do it all again for the peace and quiet that it has given to me. If your H is truely committed to making ammends and saving your marriage, then all contact should be cut off from this OW, her friends, etc. I saw OW phone calls as another unwanted intrustion in my life. That's how I found out about my H affair...from a phone call from OW. She thought she could just keep calling my home afterwards like she had a right to do so. I couldn't change what had already happened. But I'll be damn if I'm having her call my home like she's a friend of mine. It does get better. In time. One day at a time. You both need to talk and share your feelings and talk some more. Don't stop talking. Your h hurt you terribly and betrayed your trust. That will not be easy to restore. He has a lot of work to do and if he's committed, he can do it. Allow yourself the time to "grieve" for what is lost. Trust. It's like a death when you are betrayed in such a painful and humiliating way. Only after you have allowed yourself the right to grieve can you then begin to heal. But it will be slow and you will have "setbacks"..it's normal. I'm sorry for your pain. God bless you and I hope you'll come here often and let us try to help you in any way we can.<P>Comfort<P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Comfort41:<BR><B>Bless,<P>Sorry you're here with us because it means that you've been betrayed by someone you love. But I welcome you just the same and hope that this board will be a source of comfort and support, as it is for me. First thing...have your husband change his cell phone number immediately. One of the best things that we did was to change our numbers...all of them (cell, beeper, home, etc). This was inconvenient because we'd had our numbers for a long time and had become so used to them. But I'd do it all again for the peace and quiet that it has given to me. If your H is truely committed to making ammends and saving your marriage, then all contact should be cut off from this OW, her friends, etc. I saw OW phone calls as another unwanted intrustion in my life. That's how I found out about my H affair...from a phone call from OW. She thought she could just keep calling my home afterwards like she had a right to do so. I couldn't change what had already happened. But I'll be damn if I'm having her call my home like she's a friend of mine. It does get better. In time. One day at a time. You both need to talk and share your feelings and talk some more. Don't stop talking. Your h hurt you terribly and betrayed your trust. That will not be easy to restore. He has a lot of work to do and if he's committed, he can do it. Allow yourself the time to "grieve" for what is lost. Trust. It's like a death when you are betrayed in such a painful and humiliating way. Only after you have allowed yourself the right to grieve can you then begin to heal. But it will be slow and you will have "setbacks"..it's normal. I'm sorry for your pain. God bless you and I hope you'll come here often and let us try to help you in any way we can.<P>Comfort<P></B>[/QUOTE<BR>Thanks<BR>