This is my first time to the message board. I have read many of the messages that have been posted regarding similar situations. However, I am still deeply saddened and nothing seems to help me. Here is my story...<P>My husband and I have been married for 9 years. Our 10th anniversary will be in February. I began dating my husband when I was 17 and he was 23. In fact, my husband was my one and only significant relationship. Soon after beginning dating, I realized that my husband had a drinking problem. My father was a recovering alcoholic and so I really wanted my husband to stop drinking because I did not want to go through what my mom had gone through. So, I encouraged my husband to stop drinking and after many nights spent crying while my husband was out drinking, my husband finally quit drinking.<P>In the meantime, I began college and decided to pursue my lifelong dream of becoming an attorney. My husband was very supportive of me while I was in school. After graduating from college, my husband and I moved across the country for me to go to law school. Again, my husband was very supportive of me during this time.<P>However, sometime during these 7 years, I began to verbally abuse my husband. I am not sure why I did this and I am extremely sorry for what I've done. Sometimes, I think that the pain that I experienced while he was drinking made me resent him. I just don't know and I refuse to make any excuses for my behavior.<P>Anyway, in April, my husband told me that he had been talking to another woman. I was very upset by this news, especially when he told me that the reason he was attracted to her was because she said nice things to him and I said mean things to him. Anyway, he promised that he would stop talking to the OW and I decided to go to therapy for the verbal abuse. Interestingly, after my husband told me about the OW, I simply stopped being verbally abusive. However, I continued to go to therapy to ensure that I wouldn't have any relapses.<P>From May until July, I stayed with my parents most nights, while my husband was supposed to be staying at our home. In July, my husband told me that he had gotten an apartment so that I could stay at our home. However, he would not tell me where the apartment was. I didn't press the issue because I knew that he was hurt from the verbal abuse. During all this time, my husband and I saw each other about everyday for an hour or so.<P>In late July, I discovered that my husband was still seeing the OW. I confronted him and he admitted that he had slept with her one time in June. I was devastated. However, when he promised to stop seeing the OW, I agreed to stay and try to work on our marriage. However, my husband continued to live in the apartment and I continued to live in our home. My husband still would not tell me the address of his apartment.<P>In August, my husband told me that he wanted me to move into the apartment as soon as he had it ready for us. He told me that he had been storing some of the OW's kids things and he didn't want me to see those things because I would be upset. He told me that he would have everything out on a particular day and I could come over. The day before, he had told me the address. So, when I had not heard from my husband by the time he said he would call, I went to the apartment. It was then that I found out that the OW had been living in the apartment with my husband. He insists to this day, that she only lived there because she had no where else to go. He also insists that she slept on the sofa.<P>Anyway, after the OW moved out, I agreed to try to make our marriage work. Then, in November, I found out that my husband was still seeing the OW. He told me that she was pregnant and that it could be his baby. Because she did not have a job and no food, he was just getting her groceries just in case the baby was his.<P>Anyway, he lied and told me that the baby wasn't his because he was so sure that it wasn't. In the meantime, he had a paternity test which revealed that the baby is his. He says he doesn't have any feelings for her and that he just wants to get custody of the baby because she is an awful mom.<P>He told me that her other kids (she had 4 others to 3 different guys) had lice and that he took the one little girl to the doctor's because she had worms. Neither of us had ever heard of a child having worms! Anyway, her kids were taken away from her in the past because of neglect. Now, my husband thinks that all along she only wanted to get pregnant because she knew that he has a good job and she would get alot of child support.<P>My husband told her that he is going to try to get custody of the baby. She told him that she will kill the baby before she lets my husband and I raise the baby.<P>Anyway, I would like any advice that anyone who has gone through a similar situation can provide. I am still very hurt by the affair. I was hoping that the OW would soon be out of our lives so we could work on Dr. Harley's principles. Now, it seems like she won't ever be out of my life if I stay with my husband. After all he has done, I still love him. I just don't know what to do. Also, I am afraid that everytime I look at the baby, I will be reminded of the affair. I was supposed to be having my husband's baby, not another woman!! Please help.

What a mess! It seems like every time I think I have heard the worst story yet, another one tops them all. What a pig of an OW you have on your hands. <P>First, welcome. I am so sorry to have to welcome you, but glad you found this place. Very few other places are around to support men and women going through our special kind of hell.<P>Next, don't worry about OW and if she will be in or out of your life. Concentrate on you and your H and your marriage. That is first. If the two of you want to work things out, it can be done... regardless of what OW is doing. You and your H must get honesty as a policy and then Policy of Joint Agreement comes next. Without that, this mess will tear you apart. Get into counseling asap. There are lots of things going on that you know need work. You must have been angry to be so verbally abusive. I know I was angry at my H for years and with held warmth and affection from him. I was polite, but that was about it. Guess what? That is what he used to justify affair. Didn't matter about why I was so distant. Anyway, you need to get to the bottom of that for YOUR sake. If not, it will surface again in this relationship or the next one.<P>Your H seems to want to be needed. That is a big thing with spouses who go into emotional affair. They like being needed and the attention. Taking care of OW and all those children must have been an ego boost in some strange way. <P>Anyway, you and H will eventually need to make a JOINT decision on this child (if it is his). Make sure you get DNA testing. Then if it is his, plan to do whatever you are going to do TOGETHER. If you go for custody (and that sounds do-able) then you must be ready to raise this child. If you cannot stand to be near child, then be prepared for him having a need to "rescue" the child. And poor child... with all those siblings. That will be an emotional tangle for years. <P>And yes... these females (hate to even use the term women) will target whoever has money potential. And if that is the objective, she will most likely play dirty. But don't fret over that until you make decisions on you and your H. <P>You have my deepest sympathy. I would be so tempted to run and not look back. But when you love someone it just isn't that easy is it?<P>Please keep posting. Take care of yourself. try to keep healthy and happy.<P>Carolyn

Ditto takingcare. Welcome to the board and I'm sorry you have to be here. You're in a painful situation, and I do remember the total devastation of the early days/months!! Re: OW, I think it appropriate that she be on public assistance if she's not already and that your H NOT have contact, NOT give $, until birth and DNA are established. She sounds like a lose cannon!<P>With her poor parenting history, if you BOTH, as a couple and family, want to seek custody, you probably have a good chance of getting at least partial if not primary custody. You may be able to get a psychological eval of each parent for court's consideration; they usually weigh heavily in favor of the parent who is most willing to allow child a relationship with BOTH bioparents. I hope you can have couple's counseling to help repair your relationship and, if you want custody, to establish your stability as a couple.<P>Think carefully before you decide, by JOINT AGREEMENT, whether to have OC and XOW in your lives for the next 18 years. The betrayed husbands on the board who are raising the OC as their own are testimony to the fact some of us can love the OC as our own, but I think it is MUCH harder when you must share custody with the OPerson. <P>BTW, it is not unusual for lice or pinworms to be passed around among children in a daycare or school. But the fact she's had so many kids by so many fathers and lost custody of children in the past tells me your H was on a "rescue mission", that it made him feel good to help such a screwed up person. But if your marriage is to work, the Charity Work must end! <P>I gotta run. Keep posting and we'll keep trying to help Again, so sorry for your pain.<P>Jenny, 2+ years into recovery-woohoo!

<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited December 30, 2000).]

Dolphin:<P>You may find the answers you are looking for here on this site, along with the Harley books explaining his principles (including the Policy of Joint Agreement) and rules (of Honesty and Protection) and a lot of prayer.<P>A good counselor can help you through so much in these early stages to help you make the important life decisions you face. You have a lot to deal with but most importantly, your marriage needs to be restored. A good way to begin the process is to have your husband actively invovled in studying the Harley material with you.<P>There are such wonderful people on this site who are going through or have experienced similar situations and can guide you and comfort you through this nightmare. It's like twenty four hours a day, seven days a week of online therapy and comraderie.<P>I hate to say welcome, so I will just tell you that you've come to the right place, through Divine Intervention, and we are here for you. We have felt what you are feeling and have some ideas how to get through some of this pain you are going through. It truly is the worst possible thing that can happen between a husband and wife, but there is hope. There are survivors, there are solutions.<P>God bless<P>Catnip =^^=

Dolphin,<BR>I'm too new to give the great advice you just read. I found out 6 wks ago about ow/c that is coming.<BR>I will pray for you and follow your posts. I will offer my help when I can.<BR> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dolphin,<P>Like the others have said, we are here for you. Since we are all in similar situations, you can be free here to express yourself and know that you will find plenty of men and women who understand what you are going through.<P>You said that your H wants to get custody because of the OW's questionable child-rearing skills. She sounds like a disaster looking for a new location, so I can understand concern for the child. But how do you feel about that? <P>Many of us cannot handle occasional contact with the OCs in our lives because of the painful memories that they bring with them. Others have been magnanimous enough to focus on the child as being an innocent in this ugly situation.<P>Are you ready to take on the responsibility of parenting the OW's child?<P>God bless you and welcome.<P>- Heavenly