My W sent a note via her grandmother today while I was dropping off the kids. She wanted to know what we could tell our seven year old daughter if she asks why Mommy and Daddy aren't talking? I really hadn't thought of that, but with all my D is having to go through, I would like some suggestions on how to make my Plan B stay "no contact" between my W and I, but not have her think we hate each other. My D seems to be very attentive to how I react to things and I hope that I am just worrying too much. She only sees W about 1-2 days a week, but talks to her everyday. I'm glad she has her little 4 yr. old brother to play with, but it breaks my heart when they role play and I overhear her talking about her little brother having to live with Mommy and she is staying with Daddy. Kids seem to pick up on a whole lot more than we give them credit for.<BR>Floored

floored, Maybe you could say something like mommy and daddy love you and brother very much and that will never change and that mommy and daddy are not talking right now because you dont want to say things to hurt each others feelings. You are a wonderful man there are too many people in this world that never think about the childs feelings.I would think there has to be some books on this. I think this has to be the toughtest thing to deal with as to what it does to the children. It may be that W is starting to think a little bit about what she has done. My heart goes out to you floored hope you have a Happy new year with love flowerseed

Floored,<P>I agree wholeheartedly with flowerseed. Make sure that you emphasize to the children that while there are some grown-up things that you and your W need to work out, it does not change one bit the love that you have for them.<P>As painful as this is, it can also be a good example to the children of how adults handle problems. You could tell the children that while mommy and daddy are trying to work out some painful adult issues, you have decided that it is best that each has some time to think about how to make the relationship better. Because, when you are together, you are arguing and you don't want to hurt each other or make each other sad.<P>You would be surprised how children can absorb these things. And, once you give them the reassurance that it is not something they have done that brought about the problem, they can adjust pretty well.<P>But keep letting them know that it has absolutely nothing to do with them and neither you nor their mother loves them any less.<P>I also hope that things improve for you in 2001. From your posts, it is obvious that you are a real treasure and we are all praying that your W will recognize and cherish you one day very soon.<P>God bless you.<BR>- Heavenly

Floored:<P>When I was five years old, the worst thing about my parents seperation and divorce is that no one told me anything. They discounted me completely thinking I couldn't handle or understand anything. I remember wondering why they refused to let me in on what was going on because I knew at five that I could understand much, much more than I was given credit for. In fact, had they been more open, I would have had far less anxiety. The silence and strange undercurrents made me sick to my stomach and made it difficult for me to concentrate in school, made me feel completely insecure and alone and the pitying looks from the nuns at school made me think something far worse was happening. I was sure someone was dying and I was terrified.<P>Having been there, I vote for showing your child the respect of semi-full disclosure. Your child will surprise you with her wee wisdom and you will free her from the anxiety of not knowing. You will be restoring her 'childhood' because she will have the security of knowing it is not her, that this is a grown up thing, and that she was trusted enough to be told the truth. This will give her great esteem and she will be able to seperate what is happening between you and your wife and still be able to concentrate in school, play carefree and know she doesn't have to choose between the two of you. Her imagination won't be working overtime thinking something far worse and ominous is looming on the horizon.<P>Wow. You're a good, no, GREAT dad. To care so much for your child, respecting her feelings and honoring her with the truth (she does know and understand much more than you know) will validate her and set the foundation in her life for compassion, maturity and problem solving.<P>Catnip =^^=

Thanks Flower, Heavenly and Catnip, I appreciate your input. I am trying to be very open with my D and ask her frequently if she has any questions. She occasionally asks if I love Mommy,if Mommy and I are going to get back together, or when Mommy will come home. I answer each question truthfully and always make sure she understands that Mommy and Daddy love her and her brother very much. Even though my W has her head up her butt, she also assures my D when questions arise. I will continue to deal truthfully with my D and comfort her whenever she needs it. What she doesn't understand, or maybe she does, is that I get as much from the hugs as she does!! My little boy really makes my day when he says "Daddy, I wuv you " just out of the blue and then gives me a hug and kiss. God knows how to uplift my spirits when I need it most. Catnip, what is Retrouvaille? I read it from another post and I don't remember ever seeing it before. <BR>Floored

hey floored, don't mean to jump in on your question but i looked up the retrouvaille for you. the address is <A HREF="http://www.retrouvaille.org" TARGET=_blank>www.retrouvaille.org</A> <P>click on weekends to see if there is one coming to your city soon.<P>good luck. and i agree with what everyone has said. my dad always told us everything and i was never nervous or worried about anything. i knew exactly what was going on in our family and it made me feel safer.<P>you are a great dad. keep up the good work. hope your wife sees this before it is too late.<P>happy_girl

Thanks, Happy Girl,<P>I encourage everyone here to look up the Retrouvaille website and familarize yourself with this amazing option.<P>David and I went through it early in discovery while he was in full blown withdrawal. It wasn't an ideal time for us to do this, but it was still excellent and I got some much from it. It was certainly a beginning for us to rediscover each other.<P>Now would be a good time for us to do this again while we are in definite recovery just to reestablish our connection. I highly recommend it to any of you who desire to save your marriage. It will give you the starting point to move forward and during the weekend you will learn much about your marriage, yourself and your spouse and gain new insight and understanding and feel the magic that so many feel. Their success rate is 93%. Pretty good odds.<P>Catnip =^^=