Well ladies and gentlemen. I have to say I've come a long way from the day since I first posted on this BB. I know it's only been two weeks but it seems like years. With the love and guidance of my "play" sister, I have gained peace of mind. She has been my rock and helped me delve deep into my thoughts, fears, and heart.<P>After long heartfelt talks with my husband where I asked every question imaginable about her and her baby, about his feelings, their relationship, our relationship then and now... I feel like my husband and I are now on the same page. Mind you, for the first time in our entire relationship. I have finally accepted the fact that an affair is the result of two people who no longer communicate their needs and desires to one another. I am by no means accepting the blame for his infidelity. He alone made the decision for that. But I do accept the fact that I (as well as he) neglected our marriage and the only way we will avoid ever falling into that trap again is hard work and the memories of this "rock bottom" we've hit to keep us strong.<BR>My husband is a good man and does love me. He will seek counseling to explore why he ultimately made his fatal choice. We will seek couseling as a couple to explore other ways to keep our lines of communication open and deal with issues as they arise.<BR>As for his daughter. I have accepted her and the life long commitment my husband will have to her. My husband is a most wonderful father to our two children and I know he would never forgive me if I asked him to deny his flesh and blood. So after much soul searching and his commitment to me and our family to never let the OW interfere with our lives, and to let the arrangements regarding the OW & OC be on my terms (whatever I want), I have accepted the fact that I have a stepdaughter.<P>!!! And what did I do for Christmans???? I emailed the OW and arraged for my husband to spend two hours with his daughter on Christmas day!!!! He had never held her up until this day (she is six months). On Xmas eve I gave him a box with a beautiful xmas baby dress and an invitation to see her the next day. I wish everyone reading this could have seen the surprise and love in his eyes. In fact after the visit the next day, he commented that at that moment he fell in love with me all over again!<P>The OW has contacted us once since D-day. The OC had a high fever and she needed a ride to the ER. Husband called me at work and asked what he should do! I said... go get her and the OW and drop them off at the ER unless you are going to pay the $50 for a cab. Well while in bed later that night at 11:30 pm she calls the house to say that she needs a ride home from the ER. My husband says.... "My wife and I will be there in a few minutes." This was my first time seeing the OW and the OC and I was floored. But it inspired the whole Xmas present. And now I'm glad I did it. <P>One added bonus is my husband (in order to make me feel more comfortable about the OW) has chosen to let me be the go between for the OW and him. If she needs anything or has to tell him anything she is to contact me and not him. I will arrange visitation. I was so pleased that he wanted it this way. I think it will be a clear message to her regarding my position in his life. This will in turn give me peace of mind.<P>Well, all I can say is so far so good. Don't get me wrong there are moments when I have flash backs of them having sex, etc. But he can tell right away and immediately jumps on soothing and reassuring me, without me even asking. I love him for that.<P>I told my mom yesterday.... that is a whole other story that didn't go so well. Perhaps I will share later. But for now, I'm going upstairs to watch a movie with my husband and kiss my beautiful babies.<P>Until next time,<BR>ZebraBaby!

Zebrababy,<P>Congratulations on your progress! Your H is one lucky guy but I think he already knows that.<P>Good luck to you. I hope that everything continues to work out just the way you want. But, from the sound of the determination in your post, I am sure that it will.<P>When you get those blues (as you will from time to time), you always have an ear ready to listen right here.<P>God bless you and your family and your new step-daughter.<P>- Heavenly

<BR> Wow! Zebrababy, you are awesome. I am inspired by your compassion and good nature. I hope that all turns out well for you and yours.<BR> Best Wishes and Good Luck (you deserve it!)<BR>Mynabird<P>P.S. I have a feeling that your husband knows what a lucky man he is to have you in his life!

zebrababy,<P>i am glad that you and your husband have come to a mutual decision on this. that is a positive sign!!! i admire your willingness to accept the OC. good luck and happy new year.<P>happy_girl

Hey zebrababy, I am so happy for you , that you were able to except the baby, I commend you a whole lot and just maybe one day I will beable to be just like you..., I am so happy that you husband is happy too, Now you two can start a whole new life with your new family, and on Thanksgiving, invite the ow and just make things wonderful,... <BR> Signed, <BR> One day I will be like you.........

zebra,<BR>I am happy that things are going so well for you and your family.<P>senteous,<BR>the sarcastic comment you appear to have just posted is really, really INAPPROPRIATE. <P>"and on Thanksgiving, invite the ow and just make things wonderful,..."<P>Who are you kidding?! That you would be so callous to any of us who have already been through so much pain really hurts. Please don't. Having visitation with the OC is not for every family in this situation, but you don't have to bash them for chosing it. It sounds like zebra and her hubby are healing and have good boundaries (z is the point of contact for XOW--highly recommended).<P>Didn't your mother ever say: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all...?? <BR>

Thank you board for your support and well wishes! I too am pleased so far. And I am well aware that I will have bad moments and days. In fact I had one today. The OW called hubby's cell phone to wish him a Happy New Year. He promptly informed her if she had anything important to call about she should call the house directly. I was pissed with her for a hot second. But I realize that we must both be cordial until we get the paternity test and finalize support arrangements legally. Until then, we are both handling her with kid gloves. Hubby was understanding about my feelings regarding her phone call.<P>Jenny, thank you for catching the sarcasim and commenting about it. I caught it too. I hope the writer understands exactly what you said: accepting the OC is not for everyone, as circumstances and personalities vary tremendously. (also note Senteousme: Accept is spelled with an "A" not an "E") I choose my family (which includes my husband) over being angry and alone. Perhaps her spouse hasn't been as compassionate and understanding as mine and she's venting that frustration here. I don't hold that against her, and she will someday understand the cruelness in her words. Jenny again, thank you for your support and defense.<P>I plan to keep ya'll updated on the trials and tribulations of being a member of our sad sad club. And know that I don't post many replies as my online time is limited, I try to read them all.<P>Thank you again,<BR>ZebraBaby!

hey guys. don't mean to add my 2 cents, but i never thought for once the comments were sarcastic. call me naive, but i truly thought she was serious. i always tend to see the good and not the bad first, so maybe i missed it. i hope she was not being sarcastic, because we don't need that here, but if she wasn't, hope she clarifies herself.<P>happy_girl

Zebrababy,<P>Don't take the comment to heart. I think that senteousme may have been a bit overwhelmed and skeptical by the way your post seemed to say "all my problems are over now".<P>While we are all very happy that things are going well for you, those of us who have lived with this situation for a while know that the ability to deal with the situation comes in waves. Sometimes you feel very idealistic and happy like everything can be just the way it was. Then other times, some small thing may push you into anger or depression.<P>But, I thought that you had already recognized that there might not be all sunny days ahead. I pray that you keep your resolve to work through this situation. Your H sounds very understanding and supportive so that is half the battle won.<P>But, there may still be some rough spots ahead. If that happens, we are here for support and we all understand. Meanwhile, enjoy your happiness and exploring your new level of understanding with your H!<P>- Heavenly

I missed the sarcasm as well, Happygirl, but as someone who is often misunderstood, I assumed she just wasn't able to express or be more clear. <P>Zebra:<P>I am always humbled by someone who is evolved enough to accept the OC into their lives. I know it seems to be easier for the men to do this for some reason, which confounds me, because I have always heard that it is the men who are more likely to end their marriages due to infidelity. Sometimes I think it's because in most cases OM drops out of sight forever leaving the future wide open for possiblities for marriage and family restoration. OW's are more likely to be in the mix forever-constant contact, constant reminders, constant inference. <P>Congratulations for the ability to get past all that and open your heart. You seem to have a pretty good handle on how to play this out and make this work for everyone; I'm impressed and wish you well. <P>If the OP's just faded into oblivion, relationships with the OC's would probably be possible in most cases.<P>I've been up all night and haven't slept so I apologize for babbling and not making any sense.<P>Does anyone know what 'senteousme' means? I asked her but have not gotten a response. Her bio says she is a school teacher.<P>Catnip =^^=<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited January 04, 2001).]

Isn't it interesting how Senteousme has not clarified her comments. I wonder why?<P>If you're out there. Let us know what you meant....<P>ZebraBaby

Dear Zebra, <P> How did you come up with your user name?<P><BR> God bless you, <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Gregg,<P>I am lucky enough to have the best of both worlds. My mother is polish and my father is black. When I was very young the terminology for a biracial child was a zebra baby. I collect zebras now. My house is full of them. I have everything from keychains and stuffed animals to candles and magazine racks. You name it, I have it. My son even has zebra boxer shorts and my daughter has zebra pajamas. My entire family buys them for me whenever they see them in the stores. By the way... my husband playfully hates them!<P>Thanks for asking,<BR>ZebraBaby!

zebrababy, thats cute hope things go well for you. must be senteoume or whatever sent herself elsewhere. with love flowerseed

Hi,this is my first post here. Iam in a similar situation as you. My H of 8yrs(together 18yrs.)had a brief PA with a much younger co-worker, who now has a 14month old with him. We have an 8yr old girl and a 5yr old boy who have not been told yet. The OW moved herself to our state, which allows my H to see his oc,which he does 2-3 times a week. My question to you is how old are your children, and how did you explain the OC to them? I would not be able to deal with OW face to face being she was once my friend and her other 2children(by 2 different fathers)use to play with our children. Iam willing to except OC as long as there is no social contact with OW. Right now he goes to visit OC in the home were OW is also present and he can not continue to hide this life from our children..I would like your or anyones help with this heartwrenching situation. Thank you<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by zebrababy:<BR><B>Well ladies and gentlemen. I have to say I've come a long way from the day since I first posted on this BB. I know it's only been two weeks but it seems like years. With the love and guidance of my "play" sister, I have gained peace of mind. She has been my rock and helped me delve deep into my thoughts, fears, and heart.<P>After long heartfelt talks with my husband where I asked every question imaginable about her and her baby, about his feelings, their relationship, our relationship then and now... I feel like my husband and I are now on the same page. Mind you, for the first time in our entire relationship. I have finally accepted the fact that an affair is the result of two people who no longer communicate their needs and desires to one another. I am by no means accepting the blame for his infidelity. He alone made the decision for that. But I do accept the fact that I (as well as he) neglected our marriage and the only way we will avoid ever falling into that trap again is hard work and the memories of this "rock bottom" we've hit to keep us strong.<BR>My husband is a good man and does love me. He will seek counseling to explore why he ultimately made his fatal choice. We will seek couseling as a couple to explore other ways to keep our lines of communication open and deal with issues as they arise.<BR>As for his daughter. I have accepted her and the life long commitment my husband will have to her. My husband is a most wonderful father to our two children and I know he would never forgive me if I asked him to deny his flesh and blood. So after much soul searching and his commitment to me and our family to never let the OW interfere with our lives, and to let the arrangements regarding the OW & OC be on my terms (whatever I want), I have accepted the fact that I have a stepdaughter.<P>!!! And what did I do for Christmans???? I emailed the OW and arraged for my husband to spend two hours with his daughter on Christmas day!!!! He had never held her up until this day (she is six months). On Xmas eve I gave him a box with a beautiful xmas baby dress and an invitation to see her the next day. I wish everyone reading this could have seen the surprise and love in his eyes. In fact after the visit the next day, he commented that at that moment he fell in love with me all over again!<P>The OW has contacted us once since D-day. The OC had a high fever and she needed a ride to the ER. Husband called me at work and asked what he should do! I said... go get her and the OW and drop them off at the ER unless you are going to pay the $50 for a cab. Well while in bed later that night at 11:30 pm she calls the house to say that she needs a ride home from the ER. My husband says.... "My wife and I will be there in a few minutes." This was my first time seeing the OW and the OC and I was floored. But it inspired the whole Xmas present. And now I'm glad I did it. <P>One added bonus is my husband (in order to make me feel more comfortable about the OW) has chosen to let me be the go between for the OW and him. If she needs anything or has to tell him anything she is to contact me and not him. I will arrange visitation. I was so pleased that he wanted it this way. I think it will be a clear message to her regarding my position in his life. This will in turn give me peace of mind.<P>Well, all I can say is so far so good. Don't get me wrong there are moments when I have flash backs of them having sex, etc. But he can tell right away and immediately jumps on soothing and reassuring me, without me even asking. I love him for that.<P>I told my mom yesterday.... that is a whole other story that didn't go so well. Perhaps I will share later. But for now, I'm going upstairs to watch a movie with my husband and kiss my beautiful babies.<P>Until next time,<BR>ZebraBaby!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

well, lemme tell you. on christmas day our four year old son asked my husband.... is that your baby. my husband replyed, yes, she needed a daddy and i told her mom that i would be her daddy too. i think it was a great answer for a four year old. in your case since your kids are old enough to know about where babies come from i'm sure the answer would have to be very different. i wish i had some advise. perhaps some of the senior members here on the bb can give you some advise.<P>best of luck.<P>how do you feel about him going to the ow's house so often? i'm not sure i could deal with that.<P>lemme know,<BR>zebrababy