I read a ton of your early day posts. I cannot believe you went to see OW!<P>Did you ask her all the things all of us wonder?<P>Did she lie?<P>Oh boy in my dreams I'd love to know lots of things......<P>My book "after the affair" isn't here yet.<P>I can't wait.<P>Still not sure though,on what to do.<P>My mom invited me to las vegas for a week or two.<P>Is that a love buster? I don't know if I'd be much company.....<P>Let me know, ok?<BR> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Gem:<P>Flying out to NY was something I had to do. It was a spontaneous decision and only the strong or insane should attempt this. I qualify for both. I do not recommend it for anyone who cannot stand hearing painful things or seeing another woman huge and pregnant with your own husband's child. The pain was indescribable.<P>I knew I had to meet this woman and see what I was up against. I couldn't bear the thought of staying with a man who might secretly desire or pine away for another woman.<P>At the risk of sounding shallow and vapid, I was thrilled beyond reason when I saw her face to face. She was nothing like I imagined and certainly not competition. I was ecstatic after I had spoken with her for an hour and realized she had absolutely nothing to offer; no interests, no humor, nothing of substance. Her little itty-bitty world consisted of family and neighborhood gossip. Her intellect was akin to some of the people Jay Leno interviews and questions about common knowledge. I was floored that she was demanding, whining and a complainer.<P>I approached her with caution and was extremely disarming. I caught her off guard and surprised her, and her curiosity got the better of her. She just had to talk to me. And talk to me she did. She never shut up and kept me there six and a half hours. I didn't leave until 1:30 in the morning.<P>I checked out what she told me to my husband over the phone the next day and he admitted most of what she told me was true. She lied a couple times to hurt me. And she was successful, but in the big scheme of things, I had been so damaged already a few more slices didn't make that much difference.<P>I knew I could go home and begin restoring my marriage. I knew she was a non-issue and we could move forward and get through the mess.<P>When my husband and I had to fly out there in February 2000 for a court hearing, she was there and he was floored. He didn't remember her very well and she wasn't anything like he remembered. He was drinking very heavily when he was seeing her and was pretty horrified he had sunk so low. He said it was a little like last call at a bar when the ugly woman across the room looks pretty good after a quart of whiskey. I had mixed emotions when I heard him say that because while I was delighted she was nothing to him, I was horrified all this was for nothing; all this terrible, terrible pain and she wasn't even worth it. <P>I am so glad I flew out there and met her. As a result I am not insecure about her wondering if she was some funny, intelligent and beautiful woman who I could never compete with. It was something I had to do.<P>As for you going to Las Vegas, why would that be a love buster? I was just there and it was fascinating...and I was there alone for a trade show. If you feel you're in a place to leave so soon after discovery, then go and have fun. Personally, I don't like to go anywhere for over a week because I don't like to stay away too long and I miss my husband.<P>Gem, talking to the OW can be a double edged sword. While you may get the information you are looking for, it may be stuff that could haunt you and make it tougher to heal. For me it was a cathartic experience and just the ticket for me.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip,<P>I accessed his business phone for the first time last night.<P>Between the work calls were "songs" played in full.<P>Diana Ross "stop in th name of love"<P>Jackson 5 "stop the love you save may be your own"<P>He gave me access # so I could listen anytime to see if she is calling.<P>I never used it as I felt he wouldn't give it to me if there was something to hide.<P>I called his aunt,he was there to watch football game,and told her to not let him know it was me.<P>I told her what I heard. She said he told her about the calls ,and called her brother and his wife to tell them to have her stop. He said he loves me and tell her to get it through her head.<P>He doesn't tell me bcuz I've been through enough and is trying to protect me from her.<P>What should I do? I'm so tired and weary,Catnip.<P>I feel numb.<P>Can't change #. Had it since 1984.<BR>It's on all the paid advertising we do. It's in 3 sections of yellow pages. She can't ruin the business cuz of this.<P>He doesn't know I know.<P> Debi<P>I never will talk to her. she's psycho!! and preg.<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

gem, Isnt this harrasment geez it seems a person could get some kinda restraining order . I feel so bad for you. I think you have a tougher situation then most of us. I know if I didnt have any small children and my h was hem hawing about the oc I would find it really hard if not impossible to stay. I think it would be ok for you to go on that trip, maybe you could suggest to h that it will give him a little time to figure out what he wants to do have you or could be oc in his life. Gem I wish I had a magic wand. with love flowerseed

I know Flowerseed,but he truly says he doesn't know how he will react if it's his.<P>I know he's telling the truth on that.<P>I half think he thinks she's lying and it could be her H.<P>He truly doesn't want to hurt me by telling me about songs. His aunt said he "skips" any music messages. OW hasn't SAID anything,just starts playing song.<P>Vegas may be nice,I'm not ready to go. Plus my mom never got along with H. I feel she'll say too many negative things right now. <P>I'll keep vacation on hold.<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

gem, Maybe you and H can go somewhere soon when hopefully this whole mess will be over and be celebranting. Thats good that he has his doubts about the oc I do to. She really sounds like a desperate thing. I think most of them are.Where did you find the book you are talking about?I need to get some better reading the ones I have are to old. with love flowerseed

Flowerseed I got "after the affair" by UMMM Janis Abrahm Spring. I ordered it off barnesandnoble.com .<P>I got it yesterday morning and so far it has laid a lot of my fears to rest.<P>My H knew about preg. a long time b4 he told me. There was no "fog" as he resents her for trying to trap him when he was trying to end it. He had grown tired of the effort he had put into the affair and was backing off.<P>She threatened to tell me. He felt to shut her up for a while he'd have another encounter..... well it worked in her favor and she conceived.<P>This is becoming like "FATAL ATTRACTION"<P>He tells me he doesn't understand why I stay.<BR>He thanks God I did.<BR>He says I am his greatest gift and lover.<P>Ya know it wasn't bad our sex life....I think it was midlife crisis... and flattery...and opportunity...that lead to this.<P>A dip in our sex life took place from around May till end of summer. It picked up and dropped back off. I never thought it was me.<P>Now I know it was :may,he was trying to break it off<P>Sept:he found out about preg and felt guilty.<P><BR>So Get the book....it's great.<BR> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

gem,<BR>I loved that book! I give it and counseling the first credits for saving the marriage, (although maybe I should give them to H and I! ) MarriageBuilder stuff is right up there, too!!! <P>Hip hip hooray <BR>Jenny

Gemini,<P>Again, I feel that our OM/W are cut from the same cloth. I very strongly feel that our OM was trying to get me pregnant, by faking a blackmailer "from his past" that "knew" what was going on and threatened to tell my H and his W unless he got me pregnant!!! But, this OM is so stupid, he didn't change the way he wrote certain words and phrases. When I actually caught him(I was taking care of his dog during the day, and when I went over, I decided to lightly mark his computer paper. Imagine when the next "letter" was found, it had the 3 inch pencil mark right there!!) and confronted him about it, he tried to say that it was me doing the letters. Any way, in these letters, he threatened his own life, my life, my H and kids lives, and his W and kid's lives. Yes, Fatal Attraction fits these two creeps to a tee. I can only pray that a miracle has happened, and this child is A+!!! That is proof enough whose child it is. Can't make an A+ baby with O+ and O-. I would just love to rub that in OM's face, that I would always tell him that I didn't want to get pregnant, and as soon as my H got back from deployment, my H got me pregnant. I know, evil, but I don't feel he has gotten what he deserves in all this, unless his wife has left him, and taken their child with her, but that's an even longer story, and I don't need to open that can of worms again. <P>I am glad that the book is helping you out, and laying a lot of your fears to rest. I know that it hurts when your H tells you that he doesn't know how he will react if the C is his. Just know that that is completely normal, for a man to want to be involved in a child's life which is his child. I think it's the testosterone. Take it from someone who has had a child and given it up for adoption, the need to "know" this child can and will fade, although not completely. Our first D is now 13, and the last time we saw her was when she was 3 days old, in the hospital. We have had no contact with her or her parents. We do hope that she will try to find us after she turns 18, but we will not try to find her. We don't want to interfere with her life if she is perfectly happy the way it is. It would kind of be the same thing, emotionally, for your H, should he choose not to have anything to do with this child, if it is his. Don't "push" him for a decision right now. For us, it was easy, my H was still in high school, and I was working for barely over minimum wage, which wouldn't support 2 people, let alone, adding a baby to that. There was just no way to keep the baby at that point. In your situation, he will be more torn, wanting to "be there" for the child. It takes a VERY strong person to be able to accept an OC. Don't feel like a "bad" person since you don't know if you can handle it, or don't even want to. You have every right to feel that way. In our situation, it was both hard and easy to decide to keep this child. The easy part was that our other 2 children already know about their sister, and why we didn't keep here, and would question why we couldn't keep this one. Of course, the hard part is that it isn't their blood sister. Just a half sister. It is also in the family already, where as yours isn't, eventhough you don't have a day in which it isn't in your lives in some way, shape, or form. It is just a hard decision to make, and hopefully, like we are hoping for us, this child won't be your H's but OW's H's. Hey, if it can happen to us, it can happen for you. We will pray that it is the case for both of us.<P>I rambled again, oops.<P>Tigger<p>[This message has been edited by tigger4jdt (edited January 04, 2001).]

Jenny You recommended it and I just ordered it! Lifesaver to have things explained.<P>Tigger you're right! I can't imagine the horror you must have felt! Trying to protect everyone involved!<P>You're right too about men and kids.<BR>She's so psycho I know I wouldn't want to deal with her or oc forever. I hope she drives him crazy with these "messages". Or maybe she'll just give up.(fat chance).<P>From the day I found out, during his month away, and now she's chasing him. I prefer to let her dig a whole so deep she can't get out.<P>I will not act needy....I will continue to act as if she doesn't bother me.(she's killing me).<P>Things have calmed down here considerably since I forcefully control the urge to scream sometimes. It's no good to my son either. New Years Eve. was enough. Geeze,he was with ME and I still went goofy!!!!!<P>My H's attitude has also changed. He's more open since I promised not to yell about anything he wants to share.<P>Still hasn't told me of "songs". It's ok. <P>Hey I know 2 girls who gave up babies in H.S.<P>The one girl was able to leave a letter to her D explaining why in the files.<P>She and her now H have a boy and girl now.<P>I lost touch with the other girl. She married someone else.<P>Tigger,I was happy to read your story. I will any time. You helped out a lot. Thanks.<BR> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

gem, thanks I ordered today. I went to the library and found a book called Women Who Love Too Much. Iam only on page 16 and it is fitting me to a tee its almost scary. I need to have your attitude and quit acting needy. Iam going to get back to reading this book is amazing. with love flowerseed

Good Job Flowerseed. See ya in a while when you're done reading!<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....